by Rich

Another Ocean City weekend is in the books. Unfortunately, the usual drunken debauchery was hidden from me as those who stayed in the Cayman Suites seemed pretty tame. But that doesn’t mean there were heroes and villains.  And while I hate giving my competition exactly what she wants, Cat…I have beef with you. Today, I’m not just giving the stars to winners. Two of these stars are losers!

Third Star
Shortis and Drunk Machine for winning the Ocean City Regional Championship

Sorry fam, I tried but couldn’t dethrone the OC GOATS. The Shortis play hockey like it should be played. Short shifts, running hard, extremely clean. For those that say but OC is for fun, I agree. And so do the Shortis. They were all at Seacrets, many were at the beach and trust me, those assholes smile when they score…just like you do. Good job, again and again and again.

Drunk Machine finished what they started in 2017. For all that shit on the B division…let me tell you that’s BS. In all level of sports, from little league to pros, there are divisions based on hockey talent. The Drunk Machines put in a team that parties hard and plays harder. Or maybe it’s vice-versa, how the hell should I know? But I do know that they rolled through the division without their best looking player playing in the championship game. Pause.

Second Star
Jenn P. from Twin Dekes

Gabe got tired of scoring so he decided to go for another target. Jenn’s face. Gabe ripped a slap shot right into Jenn’s face. She immediately put her hand on her face, cursed at Gabe, cursed at the refs, said she knows where Carmen Sandiego is and then left the court. She did not miss a shift. Unfortunately, neither did Gabe. As he ripped another slap shot…into Jenn’s face. This time Jenn actually finished her shift. Gabe bought her several bottles of alcohol as an apology but had said this to say in French. La chienne a eu ce qu’elle méritait. J’aimerais seulement avoir un tour du chapeau Jenn.

First Star
Nick B.

Jenn’s reign as Toughest Dude in BTSH lasted less than 24 hours. Nick B. went to the hospital with kidney stones. He then for some reason wanted to sleep in my room and I had to suffer the repercussions of not being allowed to sleep because he was in too much pain. But sure as shit, 9 a.m. rolled along and despite being in so much pain, he played. He tried. That’s not why he got the star. He got the star because in the second game, with the score tied at 2, Nick with Kidney Stone and all, scored the game leading goal. But that’s not it. The guy high-fives, goes to the bathroom comes back and says, “It passed.” Hero. And hero to the Kidney Stone as well. He just wanted to be part of Nick’s goal.

Evil Probie ended up scoring the game-winning goal with 3 seconds left, but still, Nick gets the coveted first star of OC.

Honorable Mentions

Female ROY Race – Before OC, it seemed like the female ROY race was between Jess and Shelly, with Jess holding a sizable lead among pundits. But Jess decided to play prevent defense and run off to Italy. This may prove to be a terrible decision bc Shelly partied both Friday and Sat nights and helped the Shortis shock the world with an unexpected victory! But here comes Carlin! Carlin flashed her smile and hockey skills all weekend long and made this a three-women race.

Drunk Rainbows – At 4 a.m. early Sat morning, there were like 17 of us on the beach and at least half were Rainbows. Win a few games and all of a sudden these mild mannered good people are just as much assholes as the rest of us.

Worky/Fatou/$h0wT!m3 and the rest of the refs – Couldn’t do it without all of you. That’s not true at all. We could totally get new refs, a new clock timer and Probie can replace Worky. But still…you all deserve an HM!