by Arya Stark
Just when you thought you could get a break from nonstop notifications from the BTSH Facebook group, another season recap comes your way. Don’t worry – we’ll keep this one relatively short as the stars were already handed out at the end of season party, but for those of you who missed it because you either didn’t attend the end of season party (shame on you) or were having sex in the bathroom during the end of season party (good for you), here’s all you need to know.
ScottyK – Scotty was super pumped for this season and by the time early August had rolled around, he was tied for the league lead in goals having shattered his previous career high. Unfortunately he then proceeded to also shatter his ACL, tearing it into pieces the way I imagine he Hulk Hogans his Blink182 shirt after every game. Despite this horrible turn of events for everyone except Fuzz, he was still at the courts every Sunday cheering on his team (and the Rainbows because he’s actually quite romantic, don’t ask me how I know). He never let his injury get him down and instead redirected his efforts and energy towards helping the LBS however he could, from scouting reports on playoff opponents to keeping morale high on the bench during games. This weekend he was in attendance, crutches and all, as our beloved teammates Avery & Micayla tied the knot in a wedding for the ages. This guy exemplifies what this league is supposed to be all about (except, I’ve been told, for the being good at hockey part) but since I’m writing this star and not JW, I’m going to consider that a plus as well.
Ball Hogg – This guy is also pretty good at hockey, but that’s not why he got so many votes. Hoggystyle stepped up this year in taking the box scores from a list of stats that gets posted later in the week than people would like to a list of stats that gets posted later in the week than people would like, but is now way more entertaining, replete with nicknames, color commentary, fake Twitter profiles and some of the most obscure hockey references this side of DownGoesBrown. He also helped co-captain What The Puck this year and led them to a division crown. No word on how many teams are going to try to poach him this offseason, but it was definitely a year to remember for everyone’s favorite almost rookie of the year.
Shelly – Speaking of rookie of the year controversies, Shelly had the misfortune of coming into the league in a stacked year for female rookie contenders. Despite this she got several votes for both ROY and for stars of the year. Her teammates on Mega rave about her demeanor on and off the court and, in the words of captain Julie, “she was our light.” While she’s been a bit tied up as the new captain of the Riveters and presumably working on her subpar beerpong game, voters took notice of her impressive season.
Probie – Ben was selected for co-captaining the Biters to a tremendous season, adding elite talent while keeping the spirit of the organization intact. The guy lives and breathes BTSH and, while he had to miss the Quarterfinal against Cobra Kai (damn you Charlotte’s brother!), he said in front of a computer for over an hour that morning, presumably while wedding prep was going on all around him, and watched a shitty live feed of the game streamed from a camera set up in the corner of the West Court. More importantly, the guy was as always super involved and did more work than anyone on the social committee this year, myself included. The All-Star Game and Beer Olympics were two of the highlights of the season and he took the lead on running both. That being said, I don’t think most voters knew about that and they just voted for him for a variety of reasons including “great player who had a great season, a lot of fun to play with or against, and he scored about as much as the Rainbows did as a team.”
LJ – LJ was recognized by multiple voters for organizing the Hock-away beach tournament (along with Marcella and a dedicated crew), for captaining Cobra Kai to a first place regular season finish which saw them only lose in two shootouts (Will and Roberts, this is your cue) and for generally “being numero uno” (very descriptive Campbell). Oh, and she also burned down half the city of Philadelphia after the Eagles won the Super Bowl. Here’s her on the canopy of the Ritz Carlton. Impressive stuff. She also does Crossfit.
Sully – Helped lead Poutine to their best season in years, mixing great hockey with an unhealthy dose of alcoholism. As one voter put it, “Hilary’s boyfriend. Great hair. Subpar hands” I should mention that this vote came from Matt Russo who not only voted twice, but just last week was kicked out of Hilary’s boyfriend’s apartment for taking a bite out of a piece of fruit then throwing it back in the fridge like an animal. No word on if this vote still stands, but the HM certainly does.
Media Team – what can I say…some people like to suck up.
And now, the actual Three Stars of the Season:
3rd Star: Isaac
Yeah I know – he gets a star every year, he’s the head of the media so you think its fixed, he’s so sexy in that Thor-like way that you can’t focus on shit when he’s around. We’ve heard it all. But there’s a reason that actual awards voting in leagues like the NHL sees the same guys nominated for awards each year – because the same guys generally deserve it each year. And while we may not totally follow that precedent in BTSH because having Gabe win best defenseman every season wouldn’t be fun and he would probably force everyone to pay his bar tabs on top of it, this one feels right. Isaac does more behind the scenes than most people know, from running media to reffing, opening and closing, and generally doing the shit that no one else wants to do. He’s also the captain of a Karma team that just came off a highly successful season which saw them finish over .500 and come within a goaltending performance of the year by Dickie of pulling off an improbable first round upset. And instead of enjoying an offseason he probably needs more than anyone except maybe the #1 star(s) on this list, he’s spent the last week making sure I actually wrote this column despite my abject laziness. So props to him, and props to the voters who recognize his efforts in all facets of this league.
2nd Star: Tia, Cat & Greenwald of the Dark Rainbows
By now, everyone knows the story: the Rainbows had a winless 2017 but not only won a few games in 2018, but upset the Top Division Butchers in the play-in round and briefly threw a scare into the top seeded Cobra Kai in what would have probably been the biggest upset in league history. While they were not able to overcome the evil dojo, it was still a big rebound year for the ‘Bows, complete with champagne-soaked victories, free agent signings and even their own La La Land moment when Tia, Cat & Greenwald were voted Captain of the Year but somehow the winner was announced to be the Sky Fighters. Regardless of what was said or who was hammered at the awards show, they undoubtedly earned this star, headlined by Tia who made it her mission to bring the Rainbows back and succeeded in resounding fashion, first by promoting Cat and Greenwald to co-captains and then leading the team to a memorable season which featured a playoff victory, a Schlitz cup silver medal, a hot legs silver medal, and a host of other awards gracing the pink trophy case. It’s hard to imagine any team having as big a turnaround anytime soon, and despite what the Demons and hostage Ella may tell you, the Rainbows have the best current case for #leaguesweethearts and will look to carry that momentum into next season. Tia also unsuccessfully lobbied for Gritty to make an appearance at the BTSH Finals which, if successful, would have been one of the more incredible feats in recent history. Sadly, the Flyers declined her generous offer of $0 so the #1 star goes to…
1st Star: Commissioners Hicks & Herr
It’s been quite a season for Brian & Sarah. At first, they were just another BTSH Power Couple brought together by, as the pillow in her living room says, “a smile at the return of Rich Glanzer.” When the league needed candidates for commissioner they decided to run as a tandem and defeated the formidable CroTime ticket, echoing such epic political battles as Dewey v Truman and Bill Clinton v Sex Addiction. In their tenure they streamlined a lot of the behind the scenes bullshit that normally bogs everything down and generally drives the captains insane, kept the league organized and running smoothly, and most of all were generally easy to work with, with Hicks’ text and email response time proof that he is incredibly bored at work (Sarah works at Credit Suisse and generally has less time to dick around via email about ball hockey problems and gambling lines). Perhaps most impressively, they never let this thankless, soul-crushing position bring down their enthusiasm for the league and not only got through the year without killing each other, but are now engaged to be married. While Sarah may spend the offseason waxing poetic about how inefficient certain league processes are and Brian may spend it begging her for unlimited cake tastings (and being summarily shamed for it), and half the league still thinks he’s sleeping with Cheeky, the voters agreed that they did an awesome job commissioning this season by giving them a well deserved #1 star of the season in a blowout. Congrats to them on a remarkable year. I look forward to making a wildly inappropriate speech at your wedding.
Thanks to everyone who voted and everyone who contributed to the league this year. See ya in 2019.