by Cat

This week, Not Stars were outsourced to Jerome Hornswaggler. I prefer to throw shade sparingly, and with the World Cup over, Jerome has a lot more free time and no outlet for his emotions.

Third Star
Cheeky of the Butchers

This week Cheeky celebrated her retirement from being a professional sports person so I would be remiss in acknowledging the successes and exploits of a fellow non-hugger. Here’s a highlight reel of Cheeky’s best qualities:

STAMINA – The Butchers played Gut Rot on Sunday, and alongside Creamy, Cheeky played defense for the entire game. And on top of that, it was immediately after the World Cup, so I can only assume she was already drunk.

INTEGRITY – Eagle-eyed and fair, Cheeky is an exemplary referee. Doesn’t miss a thing with a beer in hand. Doesn’t call things in favor of the Rainbows too often so nobody is suspicious of bias.

NURTURING – Running into the corner, I fell ~~all by my damn self~~ into a pile of mud and she tenderly wiped my knee off with a nice smelling wet nap. Also, she loves dogs.

SEXINESS – A boy who couldn’t take a hint showed up uninvited to her own party, because she’s irresistible. Honorable Mention to Morgen, a True Friend and an Advocate for Stoned People at Parties, who told him to GTFO.

Enjoy all the golf outings and book clubs that retirement has to offer, Cheeky!

Second Star
Campbell of Cobra Kai

Last week, Campbell narrowly lost out on a Star with his stellar performance against the Poutine. I understand that my opinion matters quite a lot to people these days (especially Hogg), but Campbell clearly took this slight to heart, knuckling down against Ben “14 Goals” Probie and the Anklebiters. Fine! I get it! Two shutouts in two weeks! YOU’RE VERY GOOD AT GOALIE!

First Star
Hilary of Poutine

Going into Week 11 (12?), Fuzz was leading the league, with ten wins and just one loss. Reliably, Poutine was not impressed, and toppled the number one seed with a loss in overtime – Mike “Pags” snagged the game winning goal and Teddy impressed in the net after driving all the way in from CT.

Ultimately, the Star goes to Hilary – I heard from both sides that she was a standout on the court, playing hard and claiming a top shelf goal for herself. She only narrowly missed her shootout attempt, Coach tipped it with his shoulder.

Honorable Mentions

Speaking of retirement, Showtime made multiple court appearances on Sunday, including getting a shutout as goalie for LBS, and Ellery came to root for Gut Rot and retained his shirt the entire time.

Not Three Stars
by Hornswoggle

[Disclaimer: these were gathered from various league members; don’t shoot the messenger!]

Fam, there were some very eventful matches last Sunday, so give yourselves a round of applause for making the weekend entertaining as it was. However! Some of y’all didn’t get away with bad behavior, as some “tattle-tales” have decided to cite you with Rule 1 infractions. For more details, let’s take a look at the following:

LBS, Inc. for not thoroughly fulfilling your civic duty by cleaning up the entire court postgame! Yes, y’all possibly experienced the thrill of watching the Poutine-Fuzz shootout, but a dereliction of duty is, after all, a Rule 1 violation. If y’all don’t know how to clean up after a major sporting event, simply look to the Japanese for help.

There are certain veteran (5+ years’ experience) players, like Mega’s Larry, who still have the tendency to raise the stick above the waist. While we’re not sure of the exact instances of which they were called (as we’d have to track, hunt, and questionably kill the refs after asking), sticks deliberately raised above the waist are a no-no. When I was a ref, I’d certainly use discretion—by admonishing the player rather than stopping play—depending on the situation, but folks! One or two whistles should stop you from committing the same crime again and again. Take a look at this fine role model to know what not to do on the court or in real life!

This not-star is for the half-drunk to very drunk people: fam, we’re all responsible, gainfully-employed individuals (link works if you’re logged into LinkedIn already) who are changing the worlds we live in a little bit at a time. When we take other peoples’ things, even accidentally, we cause bits of inconveniences in their lives. If you have to, please double- or triple-check to make sure that you have your stuff; after all, if you can spare a couple of minutes to talk to Herr Majesty or Sir Hicks-a-lot, you can certainly take a couple of seconds to verify your belongings. This means sticks and equipment as well!

And finally, an egregious example of a Rule 1 violation is, perhaps, figuratively kicking the opposition when it’s already down. The mercy rule was enforced years ago when teams were diametrically opposed in talent. However, with the degree of competitiveness these days, taking losses by large margins can be serious and the teams getting beaten sometimes find it insulting when, in this week’s instance, goals are scored in the waning minutes. That said, Rehabs, two points is two points, and squeezing out a hurrah in a game that’s been long over isn’t a good look. Nonetheless, next week is a clean slate. Take this bullet point and move on.

Folks, every one of us should be eternally grateful to walk the paths of asphalt amongst the scattered bags, assorted cartons and cans of beer, smelly equipment, and splayed, exhausted players nearly every Sunday. It could have been worse; we could have been in Zog!!! Anyway, don’t take the experience of playing in this exclusive league for granted, even if the rules or its enforcers seem draconian on one hand or nonsensical on the other. I thought I’d take on this week’s edition of “not-stars” not to put targets on peoples’ backs, but as a way for all of us to incrementally learn the do’s and don’ts of SB’s creation, as I, too, am sometimes guilty of overstepping Rule 1 sometimes.

I sign off with this: “There are three ways to ultimate success: the first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind.” Mr. Rogers said that. Remember Rule 1, mothersuckers!!!