By Stoop Dogg and Tuxedo Reptar
Stoop: Goooood evening, it’s your friendly neighborhood DJ Stoop Dogg of Luv comin’ at you live on 11.1 TSP. We have a special guest joining us tonight, party expert Tuxedo Reptar, here to discuss what many are calling the “Wedding of all the Centuries.” Yes, every century – past, present, and future.
Reptar: Hey Stoop Dogg, thanks so much for having me. I’ve been putting down the Reptar Bars in anticipation of this shindig so I can fit into the tux from my own wedding. But enough about me, tell me more about this Wedding of all Centuries.
Stoop: This is expected to be quite the, as the groom might say SWARAY. Reptar, what are some of the things you think we can expect?
Reptar: Well Stoop Dogg, my insider sources tell me that there will, in fact, be one bride and one groom. And the bride has decided to make a bold statement and go with an eggshell-colored dress instead of paper white. I’ve got goosebumps with anticipation. Stoop, do you know of any other inside scoops?
Stoop: Lots of things! Food, booze, and umm, and you know other wedding stuff…Reptar, I think we’ve gotten distracted – we should really discuss who is going to “win” this wedding.. I realize that “Old School” BTSH doesn’t believe in winning but let’s be real, they’re all full of it – winning is everything. Let’s take a look at the teams.
Reptar: Let’s do it. After all, Rule #1 in the New School BTSH rulebook…”Be a dick and win.”
Stoop: You know what they say about winning and dick size…
Reptar: I don’t, what do they say?
Stoop: Alright let’s focus – first up, Team Probert.
Team Probert vs. Wedding Season
Reptar: This is a tough one to start with. The Facebreaker might have missed half the season because of weddings, so I can only imagine the brain pretzel forming in his head for a BTSH Wedding. Does he show up to Tompkins in a suit?
Stoop: Can’t argue with that one – Poor Charlotte, first she has to miss games because of shoulder surgery, then she misses more games getting dragged to weddings of people she doesn’t even know, then she has to get past her boyfriend losing in a fight to some pavement and now, this location disaster!
Reptar: Expect the pavement to score 15 goals next season now that it’s been kissed by Probie.
Team Idiot Island vs. Survival
Stoop: It’s less of a question of will The Idiots win and more of who will survive. It’s really a competition within a competition. We have Sweet Baby James getting all the way to New Jersey only to realize he forgot his pants, Jake “Brauney Pappie Towies” Braun interrupting the first dance to make Hicks beer bong, and Tadpole, trying to ice the entire wedding but consistently icing himself instead.
Reptar: Stoop, SBJ would need to own pants for him to forget them…I heard Russo bought a couple of those leashes parents get for their rambunctious children, so stay tuned to see if Moron Mountain can be kept in check.
Team Freytlain vs. Fireball
Reptar: This is an easy one. Frey and Caitlin are going to bring their own bottles -plural – of Fireball and attempt to set a new world record for number of fireball shots in one evening. Many will enter, few will survive, and I’d have to say I don’t think these two will be winning at this wedding unless it’s a puke-a-thon.
Stoop: Over or under…9pm before Caitlin passes out? Actually, no – that’s just a give away – let’s not even bother with placing betting lines on this one.
Team Glnzr vs. The Police – THE GLNZR POLICE
Stoop: This will be quite a busy night for the dynamic duo that is the GLNZR POLICE…so many opportunities for GLNZR to get into trouble. Most important thing – KEEP HIM AWAY FROM THE MIC! Last thing we need is GLNZR pulling a Kanye during the reception to give a speech. Let’s not even talk about the dangers the first dance, mother-son/father-daughter dances present. Important question though, who is more badass, Gritty’s Guards or The GLNZR POLICE?
Reptar: Easy – GLNZR Police – two studs like Eli and Derek T, hands down. We all know there’s nobody more capable than these two. It’s up to this muscled duo to refuse his right to bare arms and if need be Sparkle Splash is ass away from the mic when he tries to talk Alexis Bliss. But, we all know within moments of the wedding ending, GLNZR is going to attempt to lose his sleeves, Hicks’ sleeves, and Sarah’s sleeves. NO SLEEVES!
Lions vs. Cowboys
Reptar: The D-troit Lions vs. America’s Team (lol). Lions vs. Cowboys. This Week 11 showdown is sure to be a good one, but I’m more excited for the pre-Sunday trash talking that’s sure to happen on the dance floor.
Stoop: That’s right, Reptar. We’ve got Popack, Lee, and Ramy representing The Boys, and Andy Mikolajanikowski and the groom-to-be Hicks rooting for the Kings of the Jungle. But can’t imagine Hicks will have too much time to participate in this scuffle.
Reptar: You’re probably right. Too many mozz sticks to wolf down in so little time. So in a real-life battle between one lion and three cowboys, who you got?
Stoop: This is a tough one – Cowboys are hot with their roping and riding, but lions are so fierce with their roars and they whip their hair better than Willow Smith. Of a competition of what is sexier, def going with the Cowboys – those accents…
Reptar: This wasn’t a who is sexier competition…Frey?!?! Is that you?
Becca vs. Shirts
Stoop: Is she morally opposed to shirts? Is she only opposed to shirts in cold and cloudy climates? Is it because she wants everybody to know she does CrossFit? Nobody knows, but we all know that Becca’s ability to lose her shirt is unparalleled…and now that I’m thinking about it – Tarzan, half shirts don’t count either!
Reptar: I respect it. If I paid that kind of insane money for Crossfit per month, I’d give out free tickets to the gun show too, but logistically speaking, it might be tough for her to take her shirt off if she’s wearing her goalie equipment..but this is a classy affair, not BTSH, keep your shirt on, Becca! But if shirts do start coming off, I’m doing the Truffle Shuffle.
Cherie vs. The Competition
Reptar: Hey Stoop, you know that really old movie Terminator?
Stoop: Is that the one with Will Smith and the talking robots?
Reptar: I think so. Well, you know when the Terminator sees his objective, and goes “Target acquired”? I think Cherie does the same thing—she scans the crowd, detects any possible competitive threats, and then wipes the floor with everyone in musical chairs, hockey, checkers, or whatever else is in front of her.
Stoop: Are you saying she’s a machine sent from the future with the goal of eviscerating any competition in whatever form it takes?
Reptar: That’s crazy talk. But yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying. Let’s move on before we get added to “The Terminate List”. I’ll ask Michelle and Sena about joining the Resistance later.
Scotty K vs. Jess D’s patience
Stoop: I feel like this will be like a Coachella performance for Sir Scotty – multiple costume changes, choreographed dances. Move over Yonce, there’s a new sheriff in town and his name is Skotty K.
Reptar: Jess can only eye roll so many times before they permanently become googly eyes.
Stoop: I heard that’s what happened to Gritty.
Sam N vs. The World
Reptar: So, who is Sam Norris?
Stoop: What?! Who is Sam Norris?! The Man, the Myth, the Legend, the guy who called a water break in the middle of a game to have a cigarette!? Mr. BTSH 5 years running, Sexiest Man of BTSH every year until he left us for Cleveland (his heart is still in NY, he just doesn’t know it yet). Nobody knows what to expect, but things I hope for are: the reunion of the OG Math Squad, an impromptu speech to top all others that Zach Norris will try to prevent, Sam in his tuxedo, a wardrobe change into his Dad’s leather pants for the after party, and… I can’t, I just can’t right now.
Reptart: Wow, that’s a lot of hype. But real talk, will he share his cigarettes?
Trembles vs The Party Gods
Stoop: If Cat and Liz Tremble know how to do one thing right, it’s attend a party. I’m not talking beginner bs of shouting “Everybody let’s do shots” I’m talking coercing the wait staff to ensure their drinks are permanently full. These two know how to get down and how to get everybody else lit – when there’s something strange in your neighborhood, call the Trembles, they’ll turn it into a party.
Reptar: “Who you gonna call? The! Trembles!” Doesn’t have the same ring, but not bad. I expect a lot out of the Tremble Sisters this weekend – maybe a keg stand or a massive wedding wide game of telephone, but if these two can’t get the grandparents turnt and bring the roof down, nobody can.
Brian vs. Sarah
Stoop: The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Commissionherr Sarah vs. The Meatbox
Reptar: Aren’t we supposed to be rooting for their unity? Their holy holy matri-moly? This feels wrong.
Stoop: It’s what the people want. A no holds barred, bride on groom battle of the ages.
IN THIS CORNER IN THE EGGSHELL DRESS…we have the one and only Captain Mathlete, Sarah Herr!!! Standing at a whopping 5’2” (with heels) – don’t let her size fool you, Hicks. Even the smallest can of whoop-ass packs a mighty punch.
AND IN THE OTHER CORNER WITH SOME PRE-WORKOUT REMNANTS ON HIS TUX….we have the best thing out of Michigan since Kid Rock (meh), Brian Hicks!!! Mr. Taco Bell in the flesh ready to reign Crunchwrap Supreme and show his bride-to-be what the bell is cooking.
An Unknown Voice: STOP THE FIGHT!
**Record scratch. A cloud of smoke appears. There’s a blinding light. Celine Dion begins to play. Christo the Hawk emerges**
Christo: Stop this right now. Have I taught you all nothing? When I wrote the Old School vs. New School article, I wanted to bring to light the BTSH foundations of friendship and community and fun. Not this. Whatever the hell it is.
Stoop: You’re absolutely right Christo, we’ve failed you.
Reptar: We bring dishonor upon your hawkiness. Let us all take a moment to reflect.
Sarah and Brian, we wish you nothing but lives together full of beers, hockey, and happiness!