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The Indefatigable Rich Glanzer

An Unauthorized Biography

By “The Chairman” Ben Chadwick and Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta (with supplementary material by Dr. Byron Clavicle, DDS, LDS, NIMBY, and BTO)

The Early, Canine Years
Rich Glanzer was born on February 30, 1957 in Southampton, New York, the child of Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe.  Controversy came immediately when the nurse told him he was “such a cute baby,” and he disagreed.  Refusing even to cry, he announced a boycott of the hospital and crawled off into the woods.  There, he was raised by a pack of coyotes who taught him everything he knows about diplomacy, a skill he still uses today.

A Problematic Pup
At the age of seventeen, Rich was expelled by the coyotes for breaching the chain of command and angering the leader of the pack.  He strutted into Lynbrook with his only belonging, a chewed-up horse femur.  Luckily, he was adopted by a local family, the Glanzers, who circumcised him and discarded his coyote name, “Arf-Arf,” and re-christened him Rich.  In a few short weeks, they were able to teach him some rudimentary English, a skill he still uses today.  For months, the Glanzers were unable to tear Rich away from the horse femur, until one day, by chance, he broke free from his leash.  Rushing down the the Long Island Expressway at top speed on all four legs, he burst into Madison Square Garden in the middle of a Rangers game.  He charged onto the ice and leapt at the throat of left winger Glen Sather.  He was pulled away by Walt Tkaczuk and Bobby Rousseau, but not before inflicting permanent brain damage on Sather.  In the ensuing melee, Tkaczuk took away Rich’s horse femur, and Rich picked up a hockey stick that was lying on the ice.  His love for hockey was instant.  He raced around, found the puck, and took his first slapshot from the blue line.  The puck missed the goal by a record fifty-two feet, a skill he still uses today.

A Secret Life of Magical Adventure
Little is known of Rich’s twenties, thirties, and forties.  On his 28th birthday in Uniondale, he ate three entire pizzas, the cardboard boxes they came in, and the napkins, then threw up all over Trevor Linden.  In the early 1990s, Rich was the tuba player for a Seattle-based band called Nirvana, until frontman Kurt Cobain decided “Dixieland is dead” and declared that he’d take the sound in a new direction. In 2001, despite his ESL handicap, Rich was able to secure a job as a newspaper columnist for the New York Herald.  He wrote a record 317 articles in one month, but never saw any in print, since the Herald had been out of business since 1924.  It was at the Herald that Rich developed his talent for writing lots of things that nobody else reads, a skill he still uses today.

The BTSH Years (2008-2010)
On March 30, 2008, Rich approached Ben Chadwick, the administrative director of a new street hockey team consisting entirely of free agents, and demanded to be on the team.  The hatred was mutual and instantaneous, but Chadwick stuck to his only team policy: “The first free agents who get me my money will be on the roster.”  Chadwick would regret this policy.  Rich cut open a finger and scrawled his mark in blood on a check.  As soon as the check cleared, Rich was signed as the second Happy Little Elf.  BTSH has ostracized Chadwick and the rest of the Elves–even Ozmodiar–ever since.

According to our sources, some traces persist of Glanzer’s forest upbringing:

  • He enjoys peeing outdoors as opposed to in bathrooms, for some unknown reason.
  • When he eats chicken fingers, he uses his fists/paws instead of his fingers to get the meat into his mouth.

Glanzer’s career as a street hockey player and referee came to an abrupt end on August 8, 2010, when the entire league relocated to another part of New York City and didn’t tell him.

Post-BTSH (2010-?)
If you happen to come across Rich Glanzer, please contact the Suffolk County Zookeeper’s Office at (631) 555-HELP.  Do not make any sudden movements.  Don’t be a hero.  Rich Glanzer should be regarded as extremely dangerous.

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