Posts Tagged ‘hockey beach’

Hockey Beach 2017 Team Previews – Part 2

Friday, August 25th, 2017

BTSHers are making their way down to Ocean City in waves and this year there are a record 9 teams registered.  Let’s get to know those teams by diving into those Team Previews.  Here’s Part 2.  Enjoy!

Twin Dekes
by Justin M

After a long awaited foresight into David Lynch’s return to the main screen, Twin Dekes is on Season 3 – just like it’s counterpart of the TV Series. However, just like the Lynchian exploration, the majority consumers have become bored and tiresome of the gig. This falls perfectly in the spectrum in which Twin Dekes strives upon.  Don’t sleep on these damn fine hockey players – they like their damn fine coffee just how they like their dualing peni.

Cecial Harambe
by Richiepoothang

Cecil and Harambe died for our sins. So we play for them.

Except not many of us are actually playing for them… because much like our heroes, our enemies have smited us.  Hicks, Barch and Tom have all fallen to the stupid idiot kid who shot Harambe, and the evil dentist who had Cecil killed.  Our women are like Xena. Warrior Princesses who tried to get poached by JW. But Walker needs to learn about HLR. Hustle. Loyalty. Respect.

Cecil greets Harambe in Animal Heaven by trying to send him to Animal Hell.

You tried to poach them last year, you tried to poach them this year you’ll try to poach them next year. But like Queen Nabatz said, it didn’t work last year, it didn’t work this year and it will never work.

We may have suffered a lot of blows…but the one thing you will get from us is max effort on the courts…and the desire to kill Sam N in go-karts. Or anywhere else. We want him dead.

Against All Odds… we will bring home championship gold.

Lets go Mets, Lets go America, and LETS GO CECIL HARAMBE!!!

And when we win… we will all travel back to NY and PILE ON BARCH!!!

Hockey Balboa
by Dana

It’s a mix of people who have never played or are new to hockey (hi Naji and Lindsey!) and people who came out of the womb playing (MDF and Cherie). It’s a team of contrasts, some of us are really, really strong hockey players (Rachel) and some of us are really, really good at jokes (Art).  Some of us are preparing by making extensive packing lists (Scott is bringing a few “modest” shirts you guys, for when you just need to bring things down a notch…), some of us are drinking all the PBR in New York and then going to drink all the PBR in O.C. (Brady. He’s ready you guys. Mind and body, it’s all about mind and body).  We are all preparing for wardrobe malfunctions – Alex FD considers these part of his game – “it’s all about the intimidation factor, he says. You want your opponent saying, ‘wait, is that guy wearing a small dog’s chewed up tank top?’ Yes, yes, I am.”

Morning sunshine.

Jesus Penus

First there was Shawarma, then there was Kum, now…..there is Penus. No, this isn’t some weird porn that Rich Glanzer would watch…it’s our team.

Jesus Penus

Behold this crew of lime tossin’, ukulele playin’, go kart racin’, ice cream eatin’, kazoo blowin’, +/- countin’, Tito’s drinkin’ gals and guys.

Behold the penus. Rising…….umm, like a phoenix. And shooting………umm, fire, like a dragon.

Jesus Penus. Dear Father, Son, and the holy let’s play toast.

Sea Section
by Drew Peacock

Born from blood and scalpels, the Sea Sections arrive at Ocean City with only one thing on their minds: getting drunk on the beach.  Sure there’s hockey, Seacrets, and the water park, but to this crew of mostly Anklebiters with an accent of Gut Rot and a Rehabs goaltender, the mission is clear.

“I just wanna make sure I wake up still an anal virgin,” said captain Probie of the Anklebiters. “Or at least someone bought me a few drinks first.”

Proud owners of a collective six gold medals at the BTSH Olympics, this squad boasts some high profile professional drinkers who are glad to have a noon (latest slot) start time on their first game – courtesy of tournament organizer and team member Worky McParty.

“I plan to be face down in a pool of my own urine until 11:53,” said McParty. “Hey, decision is in your hands, what would you do?”

Still, the Sea Sections are ready for the sport courts and vow to demonstrate discipline in preparation for their tournament run.

“We may have a few crab bloodies before we play,” said Caroline of the Anklebiters.  “But we now have a strict no pre-game blow policy this year.”

Hockey Beach 2017 Team Previews – Part 1

Thursday, August 24th, 2017

BTSHers are making their way down to Ocean City in waves and this year there are a record 9 teams registered.  Let’s get to know those teams by diving into those Team Previews.  Here’s Part 1.  Enjoy!

by Greg I

Ocean City re-peat champs.

Two-time defending champions Shortis face many important questions going into the 2017 edition of Ocean City; how will team chemistry be affected by the myriad defections and additions that have taken place this off-season? Will the team’s conspicuous gluttony (Electric Prune donuts, Über Bagel, Crab Bag, Seacrets) and resultant complacency stand in the way of the elusive threepeat? Will Dan (Mr.Clutch) Hopper’s flight from LAX arrive in time for the all-important opening round clashes? Will Greg finally break down the icy reserve of the Serbian-born sweeties at the Dairy Queen, culminating in happy Slavic bliss and BTSH expanding to include a Belgrade-based franchise? Will Jeff continue to combine brilliant play with the win-at-all-costs attitude that resulted in a penalty after accidentally steamrolling a female opponent  at a crucial moment in last year’s (semi?) final game (A controversial call that Workey referred to as ‘the easiest I’ve had to make in all my years of reffing’)? Will Tim (the nicest man in BTSH) K stand on his head yet again? WHY IS ASSAWOMAN DRIVE CALLED ASSAWOMAN DRIVE? Can we get the confederate flag towels and (especially) board shorts banished from Sunsations, once and for all?
The answers to all these questions and more will be provided by Olivier Brassard at 4:10 am Sunday morning  in Room 307 of the Cayman Suites Hotel!

Basic Beaches
by Tia and Joe

The Basic Beaches
Coming for your iron throne
Going beyond the wall

A team has no name.

Well, actually, we do. We’re the Basic Beaches and we’re about to ruin your fu-night-king weekend. Thought you were that stacked team of BTSH-bro-superstars ready to descend upon the OC like a dragon on the army of the dead?  Well, get ready to call us your Khaleesi. Winter is coming to the beach and you’re about to have something in common with the unsullied.

Thin Mints
by Klion and Roberts

A short time ago in a dive bar close, close by…

Klion and Roberts Pounded a shot of “Jameson” and slightly winced before the Gut Rot hit. This particular batch tasted slightly better than the usual Fish [black] Market batch. What The Puck is going on? Everyone’s favorite Hooker – and Fish resident – confirmed this was a unique blend. Somewhere over the Rainbow two free agents chatted, finding their way next to some Gremlins and fellow bright-shirt enthusiasts. There’s only one place where this wild bunch makes sense: OCMD.

Beach, Beer, Hockey – the ultimate hat trick.

With the roster in place, the team leaned onto the Buccimane for its name and landed on Thin Mints. An intense training regime followed, with blackouts happening at the rate of playoff-mode Handsome Ellery, BTSH Emeritus and NYC Caps Fans HOFer. (SOUTHEAST CHAMPZ FOR LYFE!!!) The only thing stronger than the collective BAC of the Thin Mints is their bond. A bond strong enough to stand the ultimate test: the Girl Scout Code.

On my honor, I will try:

To serve God and my county
Ok, being honest: this is a far inferior No. 1 rule to don’t be a dick. Also don’t be a dick typically serves God and country. Great success! Next.

To help people at all times
I learned one thing early in Ocean City: people are always in need of help. My first night in Ocean City, I was a league rookie. I knew a handful of folks going in and got to know a lot more over the course of the weekend. At the tiki beach party kick off, I had no beer. Alok, what a guy, handed me a Miller High Life. I had to pay this forward.

The next night, league hero and the artist currently known as Sultan needed a pee buddy outside* of Wawa. I was up to the task. Two confident streams christened the shit out of that bush. Help comes in many forms and not all heroes wear capes.

*yes, Wawa is open 24 hours and yes, that means its bathrooms are too. To this day I have no explanation, or regrets, for this event.  FUZZ!

One of these guys is really happy, the other has crabs.

To live by the Girl Scout Law
Wait, what is the Girl Scout Law? I thought this was the Girl Scout Code? Part of the code is a law? This kind of bureaucratic crap is why Rick destroyed the Galatic Federation. Heck, just like the Blemflarck went to 0, these laws are getting discounted. We’re making our own badges! No really, there’s a robust list of more than 50 “honor” badges up for earning over the course of the weekend. Highlights include:

  • ‘The Bender’ – Being drunk for 72+ hours
  • ‘The Arya Stark’ – Saucing a pass at a teammate’s head while they’re open in the slot
  • ‘The Craig Lacomb Badge of Honor” – Nudity on the court

Secrets Rule – always one Moore round.

The key word in the entire piece of the Girl Scout Code is “try.” That will be the theme throughout the course of the weekend.

  • We will try to make our 10am game – Cro will play ‘Party Hard’ starting at 8am, I like our odds.
  • We will try to eat more crabs than Justin. | This will not be done. Period. The man is a tank.
  • We will try to make it out of Seacrets with our dignity. | Questionable to doubtful.
  • We will try to have a cleaner house than the Drunk Machine. | Close call here.
  • And above all, we will try to exceed last year’s record-setting post-Seacrets drunk bus USA chant. | We will succeed with flying colors!

God bless the Girl Scouts, God bless America. Good night and good luck.

Drunk Machine
by BSA

Drunk. Machine.

Hockey Beach Needs To Know What You’re Good At Besides Hockey

Wednesday, June 21st, 2017

by Ophelia Bauls

Postcard from last year.

First of all…

That friend with the awesome house in Montauk has a guestlist longer than your BTSH bar regrets, it’s not happening for you this August. Stop “waiting to see how your summer pans out” and sign up now by PayPaling $60 to You want to have a Crabmeat Bloody Mary and jump into the ocean between games. You just do.

Second of all, we need your skillz…

If you can help out with any of these things, please jump in. Your participation will help make Hockey Beach better than ever this year.

1. Make the pretty (designers)

We need some help designing the following things…
– Scoresheet
– Trucker hat (incorporating the existing HockeyBeach logo)
– New banner to hang at courts
– Schedule
– Marketing email

2. Get all the likes

Do you kill it on Instagram or the ‘book? Help us with Social Media for Hockey Beach. You can pick every goddamn filter and only post pictures in which you look beyond. Oh the power.

3. Squad goals

Get the word out and grab some free agents. More players = more teams = more funds = more swag and party perks. You don’t need to commit to a team right now if you don’t want. Just sign up as a free agent.

Ocean City re-peat champs.

Ocean City 2017

Tuesday, June 6th, 2017

Have you heard?  Registration is open for the greatest weekend of the summer!

Postcard from last year.

That’s right; HOCKEY BEACH at Ocean City, MD is back again this year.  It is the annual event where BTSHers take over the city with hockey, crabmeat, beveraging, bloody marys, beach and so much more.  So, grab your sunglasses and hockey stick and come make some super ridiculous memories! This will turn out to be your favorite weekend of the summer. Just ask around…

Seacrets, where all the best decisions are made.

OCEAN CITY, MD – AUGUST 26-27, 2017