#13 Rehabs at #4 Denim Demons
12:00 PM, Tompkins Square West

This is the week that the Rehabs go from trying to beat their inner Demons to beating the Denim Demons. And compared to shutting down, Rubens and Co., Meth addiction is going to seem like a cakewalk.

The Double Ds have been a force in the league this year, with a 1 and 1A punch of Kamen and Tinkelman  centering a high powered offense. But the real secret to the Demons success may be Aaron “Coach” Pagdon, their veteran netminder, who is notoriously stingy in the playoffs. With all the goalie retirements taking place this season, many have speculated that Coach may look to pack it in at the end of this year as well.

But will he? Longtime league insiders know that Aaron and Adam are two of the only remaining Demons players who took part in a notorious Satanic mass after the Johnson’s Olympics of 2009. A botched attempt to use Brent as a virgin sacrifice (yeah, right) led to the Demons being cursed to come near the championship but never win. The conditions of the curse also stated that any player who quit would be forced to travel the country in a ’82 Dodge minivan opening for Hootie and the Blowfish. Coach may be willing to tank a playoff game in order to avoid this horrendous fate.

Unfortunately for the Rehabs it won’t be this one. Expect Brian and his crew of basic cable channels to put up a good fight but ultimately falter. And expect Senna to be bombarded by offers from other teams about 13 seconds after the game finishes.

#9 Dark Rainbows at #8 Happy Little Elves
1:00 PM, Tompkins Square West

Remember how we said Lbs-Megatouch was a good game for color blind people to watch? Well this game should probably only be watched by colorblind people. Yes, they may have problems telling the jerseys apart. But there are other subtle visual cues they can use to follow the game (hint: rainbows have hair, Elves don’t). Everyone else should probably avoid viewing this game, especially if they’re prone to motion sickness.

For those strong enough to tolerate the gut wrenching mixture of neon pink and green on the court, an entertaining match can be expected. There’s no question the Elves are the more talented team. But Rainbows goalie Ariel Kipnis has been outstanding this year. And the Hippies tend to lose their “Peace and Love” attitude when it’s win or go home.

We won’t be surprised if we see an Abby-Adelle throwdown at center court this Sunday. But we will be surprised if the Elves exit early. They’ve got a date with destiny (aka Math) and every ref in the league will be printing out a rulebook before that one.

PS: Kudos to Rainbows management who took what looked like a shaky team at the start of the season and turned them in to a crew that could hold their own with any team in the league.

#10 Butchers at #7 Gouging Anklebiters
2:00 PM, Tompkins Square West

This will probably be the most high-spirited game of the day. Both teams have great players and more importantly both teams play the game for fun. We could write about how this game will prove if the 2013 Anklebiters are for real. We could write about how this may be Eric Ramirez’ s last game as Butcher (he’s moving to GutRot next season). We could write about whether Schuie will come out of retirement for the sole purpose of arguing with the refs but really there’s only one story here …

WHAT KIND OF A**HOLE VOTES AGAINST EXCEPTIONS FOR PLAYERS WHO DIDN’T PLAY FIVE GAMES BECAUSE THEY WERE PREGNANT?

For those of you who don’t know, Captains had to vote on player exceptions this week. And two idiots voted against exceptions for Amy Donohue and Jen Harlan. These jerks should be glad that the vote was anonymous. Otherwise, the ORG would be campaigning for these Rule #1 violators to be publicly shamed and showered with the cheapest, nastiest cans of malt liquor and energy drinks we could find.

Complete and utter jagoffs.

Of course, that’s just our opinion. We could be wrong.

#16 Gut Rot at #1 Fresh Kills
3:00 PM, Tompkins Square West

It’s Bad Bellies vs. Bad Smells in a game that’s rife with upset potential (of course, that all depends on who plays in goal for the GRs).

The Standoff Hall of Famers were out in force last week including veterans like Liza Watts and Matt Workman. And a full Gut Roster is a force to be reckoned with (it’s also technically four players over the limit but I’m sure Tommy solved that for the playoffs). It’s also something the Kills have never seen and that element of surprise may be enough to give them an early edge.

Of course, they may need to employ a few more tactics to defeat the Junkyard Jivers. Here are some suggestions:

1) Kills Captain Dave Sokol has cleverly arranged for the Steelers to have a bye this week. Counter by getting MLB to move the Pirates game to 3:00 pm. Barch will either pull a no show or be listening to baseball on headphones for your entire match.
2) Enroll all female members of your team in a crash course in Canadian French. Then have them repeatedly yell “Je suis Celine Dion!” throughout the game. Gabe and Alex neutralized.
3) Have Suz or anyone) run across the court in a hot dog costume. It worked for Fresh Kills in the past. Now it can work against them.

Employing these tactics should be enough for you to pull off the upset of the season and become the biggest Cinderella story sing the Elves won the BTSH championship back in the early ’70s.