13. Sky Fighters at 4. Filthier
by Sultan

Sky vs. Filthier is the best match up of the weekend. Lets go over the match-ups.

Men: If you were starting a team, Mike T. or James P. would be two of the first people anyone took (that cares about winning). While you would think Filthier has the upper edge after the two superstars, I’m not so sure. Sonny, Shaq, Jeff’s friend Mike are all solid but Olivier, Greg, Roman and that other dude are good too.

In the end, Mike T. is better than James offensively, and James is better defensively.

Edge: Slight edge Filthier.

Women: What is it Kate and Ann vs. Alexis and Caroline?

Edge: Slight edge Sky but not by much.

Goalies: Tim K. vs. the Ghost of James Stein? Who knows if Stein will show or not. But even if he does, Tim K., is the best goalie in the league so I’ll go with him. (Even though in retrospect Tia drafted him too early in the Annual JW Walker Draft.)

Edge: Sky Fighters.

Legends: Martin and Hopper vs. Denis and Suvin. Martin was the best player in BTSH history until Gabe came along. Meanwhile, Denis is the best power forward in BTSH history. Many say Suvin only achieved success because of Ann and James, so I’m going to have to go with the SF here.

Edge: Sky Fighters.

Style of play: If Suvin and Denis were still playing, I would give the edge to Filthier. I love how the winger without the ball cuts to the center. But their gone.

Meanwhile the Sky Fighters are pretty boring. Get the ball, dump it deep, eventually get it to Mike, quick shot on net. Boring but highly effective.

Edge: Filthier.

Prediction: Sky never scores more than 3 and less than 2. That won’t change. 2-1 Sky Fighters. Maybe 3-2. But 0% chance more than 5 goals is scored in this game.

11. Fuzz at 6. Gremlins
by Emeritus

In this corner: Fuzz (9-7-2, +3 goal differential), finished 11th in total points.

The road so far: Disappointing, considering they finished first overall in the 2016 regular season.  But after a five-game losing streak to close out the first half of the season, Fuzz rang up a 6-2-1 record in the second half, with the only two regulation losses coming to Fresh Kills (#1 seed) and the Rehabs (#2 seed).

The history books: In a word, thin. Fuzz’s inaugural season ended sooner than expected with a quarterfinal loss to the Sky Fighters.  And the Elves history doesn’t really factor in here, because the Elves and Fuzz are two completely different teams…except for that time Fuzz lost to Gut Rot on Elves Appreciation Day.

Injury report: Brian Hicks is out with a broken ank– By God! That’s Brian Hicks’ music! What is he doing here? He’s not supposed to be back until April!

One player to watch: Sig.  He gets lost in the shuffle sometimes because other Fuzz stars have bigger profiles, but he’s just as critical to their success and can play both offense or defense as needed.

Key Number: Fooooouuurrrrr! The number of games Fuzz won (against zero losses) when Richie was either suspended or at a poker tournament.  Hmmmm…

Dominant narrative: No team seeded 11 or lower has ever won the championship, but Fuzz has the offensive firepower to change that.  Jeff finished second in the league with 18 goals on the season, Gil can still light the lamp regularly, Hicks led the Gremlins in goals two years ago, and Ryann has a nose for the net.

The big question: Can Fuzz win despite missing some key personnel?  Miles and Paul are definitely out Sunday, and while Walsh is free of his Instant Karma commitments with their loss to the Demons last week, he might be out as well.

Bandwagon-ability: Plenty of room.  Right now the Fuzz bandwagon consists of us, Derek, Luisa, Gil’s son, Gil’s other son, Gil’s son’s dad, and BSA.  Get on board now before the train leaves the station.

One good reason not to root for them: #NotMySultan

In this corner (but hopefully not near a fence): Gremlins (12-4-2, +26 goal differential), finished 6th in total points.

The road so far: Bumpy early, with a couple of one goal losses to Filthier and Cobra Kai.  Smooth since, with a lot of wins, including a season sweep of the Corlears Hookers and a 3-2 win against Fuzz in Week 8.

The history books: They haven’t made a lot of noise in the playoffs, with their biggest, and possibly only, win (and a controversial one at that) coming against the Demons in 2015.  The Unicorns history doesn’t count here either (see Fuzz/Happy Little Elves).

Injury report: Marcella was injured earlier in the year but is fine now, and Luke has been injured for years.

One player to watch: Alex Rockoff. And this is high praise because the designation came from an unnamed Fuzz player.  He or she didn’t know Alex’s name, but described him fairly well (really good player, was on Thin Mints in Ocean City).

Key Number: 26. This is Jamie’s +/- rating (maybe off by a goal or two because of an empty net goal or a missed game). Surely that is better than Walker’s, and Jamie gets more playing time, too.

Dominant narrative: Very few people realize that the Gremlins were an offensive juggernaut this year, finishing with 62 goals on the year, which is three more than Fuzz scored.  Erich led the team with 15, Cody chipped in 12, and Marcella and Alex both finished with 8.  And they still play solid defense, too.

The big question: How do Ryan, Maire, and Rod define upstate New York?  Because Walker’s definition is wrong and we don’t want his teammates being misled.

Bandwagon-ability: Any team that Jamie has subbed for is already on board, so it’s pretty full, and might even be overloaded and taking on too much weight.

One good reason not to root for them: #MySultan

Prediction: We’re already on the Fuzz bandwagon.  5-3 in favor of Fuzz, you stupid idiot!

10. Butchers at 7. Poutine Machine
by Nancy Thompson 

Poutine is the higher seed, but make no mistake: The Butchers are the favorite in this game.

They won the 2nd division this year, and are moving up to the 1st division next year for what I believe is the first time in team history.

Keys to the Game for Poutine Machine:

• Start talking to Rachel about fantasy football when she has the puck. She’ll start blathering on and on about it, and the puck will be yours.
• Cover Pete…Dave…Jimmy…Arthur…Creamy…the list goes on…yeah, you have your work cut out for you.
• Find MDF’s glove. She’ll be so grateful to you that she’ll start shooting the puck into her own net.
• Break Burke’s goalie pad strap again. That really messed him up a few weeks back.
• Don’t leave Dana or Georgine open in front of the net. They’ll burn you.
• Hope that Arnold is off playing ultimate and cannot make the game.
• Unbreak Charlotte’s foot. You really need her for this game.
• Get Natalie back from California. You also need her for this game.

Keys to the game for the Butchers:

• Remind Jo Jo that she should be marathon training instead of playing hockey. She’ll immediately leave the game and Poutine will be shorthanded.
• Keep an eye on Jerome’s feet, he uses them to maneuver the puck much more than is necessary. (It isn’t soccer, Jerome.)
• Tell Mikey that he and Dave are racing again, as happened during the all-star game. Set the time for the same time as this game…….set the location as somewhere in Staten Island.
• Get Christina angry. This isn’t about the game, I just want to see if it’s possible.
• Don’t give Jon space to carry the puck up. First, learn who Jon is.
• (Insert something about Sullivan here.)

Prediction: In one of the tightest matchups of the day, the Butchers prevail, 4-3.

#9 What the Puck (10-7-1, 21 pts.; L/W/W/L/W) at #8 LBS, Inc. (10-5-0-2, 22 pts.; W/W/SO/W/W)
by Hornswoggle

Preamble

On Sunday night, the paltry but satisfactorily drunken audience will be viewing a match and hoping they’ll hit the local creamery for an orange vanilla cream swirl posthaste. Los blancos taking on Orange Crush in probably one of the most physical but fairest postseason showdowns (aside from Fizz’s clash and the Southeast Sultan Smush or whatever we call it now) will be an entertaining one except if you’re on either side.

The teams

In this corner: The “all about biznass” version of Isaac, d/b/a “Hoggystyle” (I prefer “Hoggswoggle”), the sweet Captain Em, and HRH Michaliga… and company.

The road so far: They haven’t done a bad job rebuilding. Since acquiring Noah and Ainslie, they’ve added depth and simultaneously reporting consistent attendance while giving division winners Poutine Machine a run for its money until the penultimate game of the season.

The history books: Despite the same branding, this squad no longer features legends like Corey “Chongo” and Romeo (who took his mates to the championship final in his retirement year), but brandishes youthful—as well as youthful-looking—personnel that can collaboratively shut down opposition. In the Tompkins era, Puck has won it all just once, so with a side seeded squarely in the middle of the sixteen, they could be the sleeper team that makes it far.

Injury report: Unknown at the moment. Given the physical game this oughta be, bumps and bruises are inevitable as only one side will thrive.

One player to watch: Besides Hoggystyle? I’ll go for Marisa. Taking after Walker with the helmet, I feel that anyone with a helmet playing defense shouldn’t be messed around with. (I ended the sentence with a preposition, John; sue me)

Key number: 0. Puck has 6 shutouts for the season. Although a different mentality pervades the postseason, that’s not to say a grudge match will involve a boatload of goals.

Dominate narrative: Puck is all about having an “in your face” gameplay akin to the gegenpresse. If possession is something you favor, anyone in orange will test you quickly and often. Relentlessness helped give opposition goose eggs for scorelines.

The big question: Is Scotty ready for a postseason with a different team?

Bandwagon ability: Hoggystyle’s slight attribution to Poutine’s Brian “Brian Sullivan Alert” Sullivan prior to the 1^st Annual Walkar Tournament had heads swiveling. Had he honored someone more notable… like Bob “Olmec” W. when naming his team, he would’ve had received gold stars, accolades, and brownie points to help boost his standing. Meanwhile, let’s give the benefit of the doubt to them because Susie and Claire are very nice and you’d definitely want to root for them (and their team, too)!

One good reason not to root for them: You’re probably jealous of their goaltending. Their biggest losses were against the Hookers and Rehabs, but when you have stacked sides like those two, can you really blame them for those losses? Six shutouts—that’s a lot.

***

In this corner: Polo shirts, pleated skirts, and a whole lotta moxy. Not to mention one dude who loves screaming ‘till his lungs burst just to push his team out his own half. Welcome the Sterling symbols.

The road so far: They’ve won the championship in 2015 (someone please verify?), much to the consternation of the famed Heckle Wall™ that has done such a great job in trolling anyone crossing its path. This year, being in the first division, Karsten’s kids went through a rough start without having a consistent goalie, but they smoothed things out as the season progressed, going 6-0-1 in their last seven.

The history books: I honestly don’t remember any other color LBS. (Inc.) players wore in the pre-Tompkins era. It’s been traditionally all-white, just as the Madridistas represented King Alfonso XIII of Spain in 1920 and it’s been that way ever since.

Injury report: There was quite a scare when, in the season’s homestretch, Scott K. (oops, I wrote his name down!) reserved himself from playing due to a lower body injury. That situation is, I assume, resolved and he can get into the postseason without any setbacks. Because what would be better than to be yelled at by your teammate than being yelled at by your teammate who’s actually on the court playing on a line with you?

One player to watch: The obvious choice for me would have been Luke, but given his inconsistent attendance this season, I’m going for Mr. Arya Stark himself. Definitely showing his mitts and tenacity in scrimmage as well as being a reliable two-way player, it would be difficult for Puck if they ignored him.

No, no. I take that back. Lizzie B. She’s the most attractive lady in the league. #swoon #notbiased

Key number: 3. The regulation losses this season involve the opposition netting at least three goals.

Dominate narrative: Last year, LBS. had the opportunity to do what no team has done in the Tompkins era, which was to win two championships consecutively. Much like the identity through the threads, the team’s mindset, too, doesn’t change. They’re ruthless and they’ll dog their opponent to get the W. At least that’s what comes to mind when Scott yells. Also, because their logo is synonymous with money, which is synonymous with business, we know the amount of scrupulousness that will transpire in order for them to maximally “profit” (win) by making a few (Puck) suffer in the process.

The big question: Will Klion show up to the game on time? Does Scott’s normal voice exceed 130 dB.

Bandwagon ability: This is hard to process; they’ve already won a championship and it’s understandable that they want to keep on winning. And every other team is pretty much on the outside looking in. This is why I say the Heckle Wall™ is a great democratic instrument on who deserves to get far. Like ‘em? No? Then boo them. Yes? Cheer for them. I hate to write it, but in order for anyone to jump on the LBS. Inc. wagon, either Arya will have to be super nice/less critical of other teams in his future write-ups and/or Scott will have to cheer on other teams the way he does with his own. At least he does it for Poutine… because he and Nic are two peas in a pod, for what it’s worth.

One good reason not to root for them: I’m speculating that if y’all have secret Instagram accounts and upload pics of your Audemars watches, private jets, or even a Ferrari F12tdf, I am not gonna root for you. #rkoi

Prediction: Sizzlers early playoff jitters give the Pucks a comfortable two goal lead, but in the second it is the Luke show as he pounds 4 past Scotty. LBS moves to the tune of 5-3.