by Jess and Hornswoggle

With the season just around the corner it’s time to start talking shit writing hard hitting journalism about all of the teams (ah what are we kidding, let’s shitpost all of them anyway amirite?).

Fuzz

Fuzz won the championship last year and suffice to say it was the best year of Glanzer’s life (he might say 2010 but it’s a toss-up really).  This is a team focused on strategy, quick shifts, cut-off sleeves and WINNING. They did not come here to make friends. Although some of them are really fun to chill with after the game. Basically, Fuzz is an evil disney villain: you like them, but you don’t want to see them win.

Why you should root for them: If you like boring storylines, predictability, and hate fun then you should absolutely root for Fuzz.

Why you should root against them: That’s easy. Those close to Amy from the Riots will take umbrage from the article recently written of her HOF induction. The writer: yes, a member of Fuzz. Don’t @ me, RG. And perhaps that’s the tip of the iceberg because, like the reason “why you should root for them”, you’ll be lulled to sleep for their watchability, or lack thereof. Honestly, the only person on this squad who can save them is Coach, whom we suspect has hung up his jersey after a decade-and-a-half of service. Goalies have unique personalities; if you take away Coach, the rest of the league will roll its eyes bored af about Fuzz’s gameplay.

LBS, Inc.

LBS has always been a consistent force to be reckoned with in the league and won a championship in the early 2000’s. While they can’t seem to snag sweet victory as of late, they’re always top contenders and go far in the playoffs.

Why you should root for them: They’re a fun team to watch, and can often keep calm and win in come-from-behind situations. This is due in part to their strong foundation of players, Zisser being a pretty good goalie and Frey’s love of board games allotting for him to be a master strategist.

Why you should root against them: Their cocky attitudes leave little to be desired and watching some lower level teams take them down a peg or two would be nice. Also, their sole frequenting of Doc Holidays is worse than Poutine’s penchant for The 13th Step.

Fresh Kills

The team that started the sleeveless jersey campaign, circa early Corlears era.

Why you should root for them: Ariel has silky-smooth mitts, Gabe is a less-selfish Martin C. (yes, the Sky Fighters’ Martin C.), and the reputable (or infamous, depending on your perspective) Barch Pile. Another cardinal reason is consistency: perhaps what Cobra Kai tried–but didn’t succeed–last season wasn’t compared to FK’s success the season before that one, though I’m sure the feeling was just as great. Despite FK’s rocky 2018 start, they bounced right back. If you’re into safe bets and you know the people involved, don’t turn away from FK.

Why you should root against them: Not for nothing, but perhaps FK aligns with the Steelers: championships early on, and one (maybe two) in the last decade. We’ll let Sultan RG confirm. The faster, younger lads are aligning with squads that best match personality traits and drinking abilities, as well as the common courtesies of paying bar bills. FK seems to be a team that is more about opening and closing shop in more recent seasons, and you may not see its members fraternize with players from other teams. Change my mind, fellas.

Rehabs

Aka Sir-Hicks-a-Lot’s third team to tour (roster) for all 20 teams in 30 seasons.

Why you should root for them: They’ve got a lot of amazing female players and it’s refreshing to see a team lean so heavily on female leadership on the courts.

Why you should root against them: This year may just be the one where we won’t witness an actual $#0\/\/t!m!ng. Hector’s sporadic appearances as a goalie or a field player last season mixed up opponents’ mindsets. The Habs and their roster do express sometimes their physicality, and you might be catching the skipper Bryan talking to refs about “injustices” that, at face value, may seem fairly innocuous.

Filthier

The only team to not send a captain to the captain’s meeting last week (“very on brand” said one Ankle Biter’s captain), Filthier is a rough and tough team with an air of ~mystery~. We can squelch the ~mystery~ if you guys want just, like, invite me over for a beer (I have brown hair and wear a neon pink jersey holla @ me).

Why you should root for them: During the season? They might be the most likable of all the squads in this division alone; they can balance grit and skill, and are likely purveyors of the league’s Rule Number One.

Why you should root against them: Generally, the league sees Soko Division teams as too elite to even consider them as “deserving” (subjective, and for lack of a better word). I’m willing to wager players from the remaining three divisions are privy on seeing a hard-working squad (e.g. CK, Poutine) grind its way through the season and the playoffs to achieve greatness. But why not Filthier? They won a ship within the last four seasons. Give some other team a turn.