Coop et al.

Coop et al.Coop et al.

Color: Red/Gray
Year Founded: 2002
2007 Regular Season Finish: 7-10 (12th place)
2007 Playoff Result: Lost to Denim Demons in first round
Key Additions: Janica “Tussin” Lee (Tuques), Joe Lops (Free Agent)
Key Losses: Peter Hanchak
Fan Base: King of Prussia, PA

Mark Anderson of the Bad Touch submitted the following as his team’s preview:


The Ultimate Warrior, after winning yet another belt from the 84 SummerSlam, mixed a cocktail of performance enhancing cocaine, heroin and steroids.  He looked as if he passed gently away in a hot tub at the Fantasia Suites in Atlantic City.  He had drawn a crude smiley face on his exploding chest muscles before slipping into a humid dream of death.   [Ed: The first SummerSlam was in 1988 in New York City]

Jane and the rest of the Bad Touch babes were moonlighting as housekeepers for several hotels in the area.  Jane was the first one on the scene.  It was the first room of her shift.  She didn’t notice the giant scary muscle man.  She simply cleaned around the champion.  Careful not to disturb the elbow tassels with her chipped nails.  He then awoke from his eternal sleep, grabbed a hold of Jane and speaking thru clenched teeth said, “call your bitches!” Jane, wearily, called to her bitches, she wasn’t sure why, and certainly wasn’t prepared for a moment like this.

The rest of the girls came running to her, showing up in unison.  A phantom wind blew the door behind them shut and the hot tub overflowed filling the room to its ceiling.  Soon, the girls were floating thru the room and swimming towards a top that seemed to never end.  They were entangled in the muck.  A voice inside them all said raise your hands.  [Ed: Kind of like Bon Jovi once did.] They did so, and were soon holding onto what felt like a horn, lifting them out of the cesspool.


The gerry’s were advancing over no mans land.  Our whole unit was out of ammunition.  We threw our good ideas into the battlefield and closed our eyes, thought fast and acted slowly.  As we heard the SS boots stomping closer and closer, something was vibrating underneath us, and inside of us.

A slimy green light lit our faces from underneath the earth.  A small hoof reached out of the illuminated dirt, beckoned us in its direction…. Sexily.  I turned to our commander,  General Devlin.  A short tempered artistic fellow who knew that whatever was between our fate with the Germans and the sultry goat hoof was on the ready with a decision.  He tossed his empty weapon first as if that would make it seem wise to throw our bodies in next.  Quickly, we followed.  Sergeant Tuckman, the  rear gunner looked at me, Lt. Anderson and mouthed the words; “don’t be a pussy”.  Or maybe it was “won’t eat a pastry”.  Whatever it was I didn’t wait to ask him why he didn’t just say it out loud.  We followed Devlin’s lead, tossed in our rifles then plugged our noses and jumped into the green. [Ed: War’s hell, son.]

Present day

Awakened, alive, and in this moment, we’re all holding long sticks high in the air on a grey, rainy day at Corlears Hook Park.  Chanting, “touch them bad”, banging their weapons together.  They never questioned why they were there, but were happy to be alive and angry as shit. [Ed: There’s really no need for the profanity.]  Our newly formed mixed gendered group took to the slick pavement.  Slipping and falling and bleeding onto the concrete to embrace another game and never to speak of this new dream of champions, all just accepting it.

* * * * * * * * *

Rapper They Closely Resemble: Black Eyed Peas.  It gets a little pointless to mock a group who looks like its just trying to go out and have a good time.  At this point, we know who they are and what they’re about.  But who knows?  There may still be a breakout star somewhere in this mix.
Fast Fact: Although Alex “Coop” Eben Meyer is the “Fastest Gunslinger in the West,” he does not believe in firearms. 

Mark Anderson
Danny Canarick 
Toby Carroll
Bethany Cocco   
Jane Cramer   
Eric Devlin (C)
Alex “Coop” Eben Meyer
Alex Gross
Jonathan Hanson
Ariel Imas
Greg Kellerman
Amy Krawczyk
Janica “Tussin” Lee
Kelly LeVasseur
Joe Lops
Bill MacGregor
Elizabeth Moy
Christopher Neal
Jennifer Nedbalsky
Martin Olson
David Ritter
Scott Rosenthal
Michael Tuckman (A,G)
Kristin Varner 

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2 Responses to Season Preview: The Bad Touch

  1. devlin13 says:

    black eyed peas??? oh damn, i think you just motivated the Touch in a way you didn’t want to…

  2. […] They Closely Resemble: Black Eyed Peas.  It worked last year, so why not now? Fast Fact: Martin Olson is secretly a member of the Hannah Montana Fan […]

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