Sven’s Expecting A Flood

Color: Brown
Year Founded: 2005
2008 Regular Season Finish: 7-7-3 (11th place)
2008 Playoff Result: Lost to Dark Rainbows in first round
Division: Schloeder
2009 Marketing Slogan: “How do you like deez nuts?”
Key Additions: Emily Allen, Ian Driscoll, Lauren Greene (All Free Agents)
Key Losses: Z.Y. Kesselman, Tommy Mayoros

Mighty Squirrels new Ass Captain Jesse Kalb submitted the following summary of his team’s prospects for the 2009 season:

The Mighty Squirrels’ 2009 season started off on an inauspicious note when, at the league captains’ meeting, Squirrel leader Rachel “A-Korn” Greene tried out her new dance move, the “Avenue A Face-Plant.” Aside from her pride, no serious injuries were sustained. Although he was not present for the mishap, new Squirrel Ass Captain Jesse Kalb was still held partially responsible since his main duty is babysitting Greene.

Despite this incident, there is reason for optimism at Squirrels HQ. Four straight years of cellar-dwelling and the resulting high draft picks temporarily paid dividends in 2008 for the nut hoarders, as they raced out to a 7-0-3 start before collapsing down the stretch. This year, some key free agent acquisitions are likely to improve team consistency and maintain momentum throughout the season. Locker room chemistry is likely to improve as well, as the Squirrels have swapped last year’s goalie, a Devils fan, for a more NYC-appropriate Rangers fan.

As excited as the Squirrels are about their new blood, they return a solid and veteran core.  Fan favorites Gary Kowalski and Marie Marberg have made the Squirrels one of the toughest teams to score on and will once again hold down the fort on defense. The much-hyped “Martha” scoring line of Arthur “Lil Weezy” Revechkis and Mike Mincelli, as well as the mercurial scorer and official team ingenue Nicole Lanctot, is back with high expectations. Team trainers believe Revechkis is due for a big year after his rigorous off-season conditioning program, called “40s, Blunts, and Hos.”  Finally, while last year’s rookie call-up Kirby Ruffner was brought in mainly to keep her fiancé in line, she has proven to be an energetic spark plug, both on the court and at the bar.

Tim “(S)crappy” Gray spent the winter in his garage, trying to fix the rejuvenation machine and rediscover his mid-1990s athleticism. Best of luck with that, Timmy.

Food They Closely Resemble: Trail Mix. There’s a good mix of serious and fun stuff in here, but in the end, it’s mostly just nuts.  This good-natured combination is a good accessory no matter where you are.
Fast Fact: Lauren Greene put herself through college by harvesting bees and selling their honey on the side of the Jericho Turnpike.

ROSTER
Emily Allen
Eric Breitman
Scott Brower
Jason “Cheek” Cheek
Eric Cole
Ian Driscoll
Ritch Duncan
Rob “Mungo” Gorden
Lauren Greene
Rachel “A-Korn” Greene (C)
Tim “(S)crappy” Gray
Jesse Kalb (A)
Gary Kowalski
Patrick Larsen
Nicole Lanctot
Marie Marberg
Amanda Melson
Mike Mincelli
Dave Paglia
Arthur “Lil Weezy” Revechkis
Kirby Ruffner
Andrea “Vegetable Lasagna” Schloeder
Mary Simmons
Miky Wolf
Derrick