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Season Preview: Mathematics

Bow Down To Lord Jeff

Lord Jeff

Color: Gray
Year Founded: 2006
2008 Regular Season Finish: 6-11 (13th place)
2008 Playoff Result: Lost to Filthy Gorgeous in first round
Division: Woodsworth
2009 Marketing Slogan: “Can’t Wait!”
Key Additions: Joe Boshko (Free Agent), Jim Nolan (Free Agent)
Key Losses: Sarah Coombs (Pregnancy), Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi (Graduate School)

With fan attendance at an all time low last season, the Mathematics front office spent several all-nighters this offseason concocting new and exciting ways to generate fan interest.  They have already scheduled several themed promotional days including Italian Heritage Day, Jeff Contray Appreciation Day, and 1980s Day.  In addition, a homecoming celebration is in the works for the weekend of June 28, when the Mathematics face off against the Happy Little Elves.  Floats, a bonfire, a parade, and fireworks are all expected.

In addition, the Mathematics have made several roster moves in hopes of energizing its depleted fan base.  With resentment for former co-captain Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi at an all-time high, management had no choice other than shipping him to its farm team in California.  Needless to say, Corinaldi was not amused with this demotion.  Sadly, the team’s other former co-captain and goalie Sarah Coombs will sit out for a majority of the season with a bun in the oven.  To replace her, the Mathematics signed local product Joe Boshko, who impressed management on a scouting trip to Roosevelt Island.  Captain Derek Tagliarino also claims to have “bought” star prospect Jim Nolan, who brings legions of followers from the New England area, and whose notorious shimmy drives the ladies wild.

Whether these moves can pull the Mathematics out of the red remains to be seen.

Food They Closely Resemble: Organic Produce.  Certainly, there isn’t a lot that’s actually bad here, and there are probably even a few benefits to having them around.   However, at a certain point, you have to believe the media has taken the hype a little too far, and nothing could possibly be as good as they’re making it seem…or can it?
Fast Fact: Adam Langer was raised by wild wolves until the age of eight.

ROSTER
Amy Anderla
Joe Boshko
“Lord” Jeffrey Contray
Kate Gillen
Jeff “The Hawk” Hawkins
Eli Kazin
Adam Langer
Andrew Lu
Laura MacNeil (C)
Jim Nolan
Sheena Otto
Georgina “Mulva” Paulin
Andrew Pratt
Bradley Schmidt
Mark “Sully” Sullivan
Derek Tagliarino (C)
Sarah “T-Bone” Torneten
Harmon Walsh

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