Our division preview series continues as we tell you everything you need to know about the $h0wT!m3 Division.

What’s New

• Quite possibly, the division name.  Rich already jettisoned Tim Brown’s honorific and replaced it with one for Julie Katz.  As of press time, the division still bears the $h0wT!m3 name, but it could soon be retired, much like its namesake has done multiple times already.  Rich could even bring back the Rubens Division.  Stay tuned for all of the drama!
• Instant Karma.  After suffering through a difficult inaugural season in the Glanzer Division, Karma should welcome a schedule that is a lot more forgiving.  Of course, three of their seven wins last season came against the Elves, so they’ll have to find other teams to beat up on this year.
• The Gremlins.  Oh hey guys, good to have you back!  After a one year sabbatical to the Greene Division, the Gremlins return to the division they called home from 2011-2014.  However, they were never able to win it during those four seasons, so maybe coming back isn’t all its cracked up to be.

Who’s Gone

• The Rehabs.  They won the division comfortably and then went on a nice run in the playoffs, advancing all the way to the championship game.  So all of the other teams in the division banded together and decided to not let them return.
• Poutine Machine.  They avoided relegation in 2014 by taking more points in a two-game series with the Gremlins in the season’s final two weeks (Walker remembers, and laments, this well).  They couldn’t avoid last place in the division in 2015, but they’ll get an early chance at redemption with an Opening Day game again the team that replaced them, the Gremlins.
• Jeff Laniado.  He finished fourth in the league with 18 goals last year, accounting for more than one-third of the Butchers scoring.  Alas, his contract was up, and the budget-conscious Butchers could not match Fuzz’s front-loaded offer sheet.
• Brian Hicks.  We’re stretching this one a little, since Hicks never actually played for the Gremlins in this division.  But he also signed an offer sheet from Fuzz that wasn’t matched, and with it go his 20 goals from last season, one-third of the team’s total.

Key Players

• Arnold Sanchez, Butchers.  Losing Jeff is a tough blow, but the Butchers always seem to land on their feet after personnel changes.  What they can’t lose is the grinding, gritty presence of players like Arnold that give them a chance to win no matter whom they are playing.
• Liam Martens, Cobra Kai.  He’s arguably the best pure scorer on Cobra Kai, a team that looks unbeatable on some Sundays, and totally lost on others.  The division is there for the taking this season, and a few extra goals from Liam could go a long way to securing it.

• Jamie Baduwantudawe, Gremlins.  Forty of the Gremlins sixty goals last year came from players other than Hicks, which softens the blow of his departure.  But the team’s success will likely still come down to Jamie, who has been known to steal games for them in the past.  Of course, other teams are fully aware of this and tend to borrow Jamie for their own exploits, so keeping him fresh and not over-exerting him will be critical.  Or he could just find other co-workers who are really good at hockey.
• Danielle Haselton, Instant Karma.  Being commissioner isn’t easy.  Did you see how much that job aged Adriano and jaded Timmy?  Now throw co-captaining duties with Chadwick into the mix.  When not dealing with angry captains, or game-day crises, or league administrative matters, she’ll have to reel in existential tangents and games of lime toss. That’s a pretty daunting task.
• Corey Winters, What The Puck.  The sage veteran of the squad, he’s probably the league’s closest equivalent to a player-coach.  His presence is not as consistent as it used to be, but when he’s around, his influence on What The Puck’s rather large roster is clearly noticeable.

Key Games

• Butchers at Fuzz (June 12): Can Rachel and company get revenge for losing their top scorer?  It’s fitting that this game was scheduled for Rivalry Week.  Perhaps she can borrow Joe P. from the Biters use the services of Tom from Gut Rot, like she her team did a few years ago to beat Rich’s Elves (We knew Rich allowed a really good player to play for the Butchers, we just forgot which one. –Emeritus).
• Gremlins at Instant Karma (June 12 – and also May 15): Walker was really excited about getting to play Karma twice this season.  One of these is on Rivalry Week, so hopefully these two teams can get a solid, spirited rivalry going.

• Instant Karma at Rehabs (April 24): One of the new teams in the division faces off against the team they replaced, the 2015 division champs.  It is also a rematch of a round of 16 playoff game from last year.
• Gremlins at Cobra Kai, Instant Karma at What The Puck (September 11): If the division has not been decided yet, these two games will have a lot riding on them.  And even if they have, playoff seeding will still likely be in play.

Predicted Finish

• Cobra Kai (11-5-2): We think Cobra Kai has the most raw talent in the division, and this the year that they finally maximize it.
• Instant Karma (9-8-1): This team is better than you think.  They got off to a solid start last season, including an upset of the Hookers, before hitting the wall.  Plus, they delivered the final blow to the Elves franchise.  The less rigorous schedule should be beneficial.
• Gremlins (8-8-2): They missed the division so much that they just had to get back here as quickly as they could. Even without Hicks, we don’t see them leaving it after just one season.
• Butchers (8-9-1): Rachel always finds ways to keep the Butchers competitive.  When Eric Ramirez went to Gut Rot, she replaced him with Tim Burke.  When Joey went to Math, she replaced him with Jeff.  So we’re sure Rachel has some new blood in place to take Jeff’s place.  They’ll be fine.
• What The Puck (7-10-1): Having a large roster is nice during the summer, when attendance lags in general.  But their divisional games are generally towards the beginning and end of the season, when a large roster might prevent players from getting into much of a rhythm.