Season Preview: Gouging Anklebiters

Why is Jeremy Giving Out Rusty Trombones?

Ankle

Color: Royal Blue
Year Founded: 2001
2007 Regular Season Finish: 5-12 (16th place)
2007 Playoff Result: Lost to Corlears Hookers in first round
Key Additions: None
Key Losses: None
Fan Base: Mr. and Mrs. DiPierri

 

Phil “Sandy” Donahue filed the following report for his team:

The Anklebiters enjoyed an offseaon of rest and relaxation, and now look to take BTSH by storm in 2008.  A cohesive unit, these Anklebiters are ready to go to battle with a virtually unchanged roster over the last four years.
 
“We’re ready to leave a fat Cleveland Steamer on the chest of every team in (BTSH),” said former captain-turned league exec, Jeremy “Schuie” Schumacher.  “Dirty Sanchez, Rusty Trombone, 2 Girls 1 Cup…you name it, we’ll put in on ya in ’08!”
 
The team has a strong backbone starting in net with “Quiet” Mike O’Connor who has dropped 20 lbs over the winter and was often seen hitting sides of beef at Tony’s meats in Red Hook.

On offense, Alt. Captain Shannon Voto anticipates a successful campaign and will gladly welcome back a pair of women who were wed last season, Amy Kovner and Naomi Gabay-Schwab.  Both brides missed a significant number of games, and Voto looks forward to their return: “Now that Amy and Naomi are done gold-digging, we can finally get back to some hockey.  I mean, seriously, what is this ‘I can’t play because I don’t want to walk down the aisle with bruises’ crap?  Pretty lame.”

Rounding out the squad is the prolific goal scorer, Eric DiPierri.  Known as much for his misbehavior as he is for his offense, DiPierri has racked up a notorious reputation with 512 penalty minutes and two DC hearings in four years of BTSH play.  Still, his jersey is among the most popular among youths ages 14-19.  “What can I say?” pondered DiPierri.  “I live with my heart on my sleeve…and also still with my parents…and the kids out there are feelin’ that.”

What will happen in 2008 for the Anklebiters?  Only time will tell.

Rapper They Closely Resemble: Xzibit.  Folks have considered them a sleeping giant for years, but it doesn’t seem like they can execute consistently enough to hit the big time.   Plus, interests outside of their specialty may be holding them back.
Fast Fact: Alex Owen’s fortune cookies always predict success.

ROSTER
Christy Cabot-Bini
Charles DeFranco
Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri
Phil “Sandy” Donohue (C)
Naomi Gabay
Nick Gardella
Kim Gill
Megan Kelly
Jason Korsakoff
Amy Kovner
Mike Menkes
Caroline Morrissey-Bickerton
Mike O’Connor (G)
Alex Owen
Pete “Geech” Prohaska
Mike Ross
Jeremy Schumacher
Matt Tsiang
Shannon Voto (A)
Zack “Cryme Tyme” Weiner

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One Response to “Season Preview: Gouging Anklebiters”

  1. schuie says:

    Correction. The Anklebiters were founded in Fall/2001. Thank you very much.

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