Season Preview: Gouging Anklebiters

Now With 100% Less Foot

Color: Dark Blue
Year Founded: 2001
2009 Regular Season Finish: 8-11-2 (12th place)
2009 Playoff Result: Lost to Filthy Gorgeous in first round
Conference: Schumacher
Division: Donohue
Home Arena: The Shoe
2009 Leading Scorers: Charles DeFranco & Alex Derhohannesian, 12 goals
Key Additions: None
Key Losses: Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher (Retirement)

Gouging Anklebiters captain Phil “Sandy” Donohue imagined the following “10 Questions” conversation between the media and Anklebiters alternate captains Amy Kovner and “Quiet” Mike O’Connor:

Derek & Eli: Amy, Quiet, welcome. Are you ready to get started?
Quiet: Yes.
Amy: Sure, that counts as the first question though. Nine more and we’re out of here.
D&E: That’s clearly not a real question.
Amy: Sure it is.
D&E: You have to be sh*ttin’ me. What kind of crap is this?
Amy: Just playing by the rules.  Eight to go.
D&E: Whatever.  FIRST question, Quiet & Amy, how do you feel about the Anklebiters going into the new season?  What is the vibe around the squad?
Quiet: We’re confident that we can really improve on last year’s record.  Amy, Annika, and I have been playing on Dependable Scrap in the Moffo winter league, and we had 13 Anklebiters playing broomball this winter — we’re in good shape and should be ready to go.
Amy: We feel good and look good.  In fact, I caught Eli looking at my boobs a second ago.  By the way, that was two questions — six more.
Eli: What? No, I wasn’t!  I was just trying to read your t-shirt.  Ummm…
Amy: Five more…
Derek: (To Eli) Your face is red, dude.  And how long does it take to read “Wonder Woman”?
Amy: I won’t count that one, it was for Eli.  Well, Eli?
Eli: Yeah, ummm (cough), moving on.  Pundits have often accused the Anklebiters of being a “drink first, play hockey later” type of squad.  Is that how you see yourselves as well?
Quiet: Yes.
Amy: Of course, but we can do both.  And stop staring at my boobs.  Four to go.
Eli: I wasn’t.  I…
Derek: Yes you were, bro.  I’ll take it from here.  (pauses to read over notes) Okay, next question…Your team’s founder and first captain, Schuie [Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher], just retired from BTSH.  How will that affect the team going into the new season?
Quiet: He’ll be missed.  He was a leader and a presence on this team for years, and always seemed to step up in big games.
Amy: Christ, thank God he’s gone!  He used to stare at my chest all the time, too.  (laughs) Just kidding — he’s very sweet and I’m excited for him and Dana [Kravis — engaged during the off-season].  Eli’s the only pervert around here.  Three more.
Eli: Enough!  My mom reads this website.  How do you think this will make her feel?
Amy: Probably like she raised a pervert.  Two more.
Derek: Hey, I lived with the guy.  What do you think shows up when you scroll through the history of his web browser?
Amy: I bet you won’t find it on the Disney Channel.  One more.
Derek: I’m just relieved to find out he’s still interested in humans.  Last question…what are your predictions for the 2010 season?
Quiet: A lot of Sundays where we sweat out Saturday night…and a lot of Monday mornings that are gonna hurt like hell.
Amy: Eli gets fired from his media job for sexual harassment.  And the Anklebiters kick your ass!

Professional Wrestler They Closely Resemble: Dolph Ziggler. At one point, people may have considered them a true future contender. However, as time passes, it seems less and less likely that they’ll ever make the main event.
Fast Fact: There are 14 letters in Derhohannesian.

Zoya Craig
Charles DeFranco
Alex Derhohannesian
Phil “Sandy” Donohue (C)
Naomi Gabay-Schwab
Nick Gardella
Jen Kim
Amy Kovner (A)
Sarah Moore
Caroline Morrissey-Bickerton
Nestor “Marmaduke” Nonato
“Quiet” Mike O’Connor (A)
Alex Owen
Peter “Geech” Prohaska
Mike Ross
Matt Tsiang
Shannon Voto
Zach “Cryme Tyme” Weiner

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One Response to “Season Preview: Gouging Anklebiters”

  1. ShowTim3 says:

    I copied and paste this to several outside of hockey friends via msn messenger (and webcam) and I saw 1 spit out his coffee at work.

    That convo was OMG so funny. Maybe best preview to date.

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