Jason Eitel, Not Actually Canadian

Color: Purple
Year Founded: 2007
2009 Regular Season Finish: 14-3-1-2 (4th place)
2009 Playoff Result: Lost to Sky Fighters in semifinals
Conference: Weyersberg
Division: Rubens
Home Arena: Dutch Gardens
2009 Leading Scorer: Jason Eitel, 22 goals
Key Additions: None
Key Losses: Jock Paul (Indonesia), Reilly “Fake Dutch” Olson (Holland?)

After years of experimentation in the Corlears Hookers secret underground laboratories, team scientist Joshua “Doc” Sadlier-Brown made an amazing discovery.  He had finally perfected the flux capacitor, enabling him to transform captain Peter “Purple Rain” Putka’s Range Rover into a time machine.  As a result, whenever Putka exceeds 141.622272 kilometers per hour (88 mph), he can travel throughout the space-time continuum.

In Putka’s first adventure, he and teammate Albert “Al” Huang traveled to the Old West to battle a famous outlaw.  In another mission, Brendan “Dutch” Kearney and Gavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney journeyed to 1955 Wisconsin to ensure their parents get married, so they can be born.  Jackie Spiegel and Danilo Biagioni also used the Delorean Range Rover to witness the New York Mets’ next World Series apperance, which occurs in 2089.  The Mets lose to the Long Island Happy Little Elves.

Despite these fun escapades, Putka and “Doc” Sadlier-Brown also used the time machine to improve the Corlears Hookers.  Using modern technology from the year 2052, they were able to install robotic body parts in all of the Hookers players.  Because of this transformation, the team will no longer pursue its “warm and fuzzy” marketing campaign of years past.  Instead, the Hookers will rediscover their roots as a group of cold and ruthless mercenaries hell bent on destroying everything in its path.  Here is a marketing poster from the team’s new campaign featuring Noelle “Slapshot” Safar and Jason Eitel. 

Professional Wrestler They Closely Resemble: Triple H. Not everyone likes or appreciates the way they compete, but there’s still no denying their obvious talent and main event status.
Fast Fact: Before every game, Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson listens to his Rush compilation cassette to get pumped up.

ROSTER
Danilo Biagioni
Ashley Banfield
Jason Eitel (A)
Amy Goegan
Albert “Al” Huang
Brendan “Dutch” Kearney
Gavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney
Sarah Kramer
Libby Lewis
Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson
Libby Pass
Peter “Purple Rain” Putka (C)
Joshua “Doc” Sadlier-Brown (A)
Noelle “Slapshot” Safar
Jesse Scolaro
Anshu Sinha
Jackie Speigel
Dan Thompson