In recent years, some of us old-timers have witnessed the skill of new players in BTSH rising to unprecedented heights. Is there still a place for aging, mediocre, largely incompetent veterans? If so, how do we create a level playing field for those, like me, who were born with flimsy skeletons and no hand-eye coordination? What’s to be done to help players like Rich “Can’t Buy a Goal” Glanzer, Anita “Can’t Be Bothered to Get Out of Bed and Walk One Block” Khar, and Kermita “Doesn’t Even Exist” Snaggledonk? Well, after years of ignoring our proposal that all incoming free agents must be blind and weigh over 700 pounds, Commissioner Brown has finally established a new four-pronged agenda to remedy the situation for us brittle geezers.
- bananas you can shoot at other players to temporarily disable them
- raccoon tails that enable the wearer to fly
- sticks that can shoot multiple balls at once
- a giant head – it doesn’t really help your game, but it does engender mirth
- money, ammo, and bags of cocaine
Additionally, stepping on the glowing chevrons on the asphalt will provide a temporary speed boost, and conveniently-placed trampolines will allow a player to leap over the opposition.
- Gabe Chenard-Poirier and Cherie Stewart will have to play while carrying 50 pounds of stones.
- Highly focused defensepersons like Rob Walsh will have their concentration shattered, as they are forced to wear headphones repeatedly blasting the sounds of foghorns, Fran Drescher’s laugh, parrot squawks, cannon fire, and Gilbert Gottfried routines.
- Absurdly limber goalies like Tim Brown will be replaced by mini-golf windmills.
4. “Twilight Transitions,” The Trevor Beauclair Memorial Halfway House
What do we do when none of that helps and I still suck at hockey? Well, it’s time to pack up and call it a career. Thankfully a generous anonymous endowment from Rob Blandi has helped the league create “Twilight Transitions,” in honor of the extremely late (but not dead) Trevor Beauclair. Twilight Transitions will provide a living space in the Tompkins Square restrooms where obsolete players can prepare to function normally in society through fun, educational activities like:
- riding the bus
- purchasing lottery tickets
- petting Justin’s dog and other regional animals
While BTSH can’t cure everyone’s hockey problems, rest assured that the league recognizes the plight of the amateurish and is finally prepared to do something about it!
Correction 8/31/2015, 1:43pm: all of the above proposed programs have been canceled in favor of Commissioner Brown’s new plan to drive to Tahiti with several sacks full of cash.