by Ben Chadwick (and mostly illustrated by Zach Norris)

In recent years, some of us old-timers have witnessed the skill of new players in BTSH rising to unprecedented heights. Is there still a place for aging, mediocre, largely incompetent veterans? If so, how do we create a level playing field for those, like me, who were born with flimsy skeletons and no hand-eye coordination? What’s to be done to help players like Rich “Can’t Buy a Goal” Glanzer, Anita “Can’t Be Bothered to Get Out of Bed and Walk One Block” Khar, and Kermita “Doesn’t Even Exist” Snaggledonk? Well, after years of ignoring our proposal that all incoming free agents must be blind and weigh over 700 pounds, Commissioner Brown has finally established a new four-pronged agenda to remedy the situation for us brittle geezers.

1. Powerups

No skill? No problem! Aerial drones will fly over Tompkins during games to randomly deposit glowing packages which, when collected, provide the player with special powers, such as:

  • bananas you can shoot at other players to temporarily disable them
  • raccoon tails that enable the wearer to fly
  • sticks that can shoot multiple balls at once
  • a giant head – it doesn’t really help your game, but it does engender mirth
  • money, ammo, and bags of cocaine

Artist’s rendering of the proposed power-ups.

Additionally, stepping on the glowing chevrons on the asphalt will provide a temporary speed boost, and conveniently-placed trampolines will allow a player to leap over the opposition.

2. Performance-Enhancing Technology
Exhausted from Saturday night? Did you leave your liver in the skeeball machine again? Not to worry, Tim Brown has your antidote: fifty cc’s of weapons-grade plutonium injected directly into your spinal cord. While BTSH has not finished testing this program, clinical trials are showing extraordinary potential with only mild hair and tooth loss, alongside arguably positive side-effects such as Floppy Purple Tentacle Syndrome.

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After the experiment, researchers noted that clinical trial subject #13 had become “substantially better at hockey, and also more appealing personally,” though there was some apprehension about the “wildly gesticulating flippers where his arms had been.”

 
3. The Harrison Bergeron Pilot Program
Rather than convert mid-level players into unstoppable cybernetic hockey machines, there’s a more cost-effective approach to improving the league’s balance. We can’t make all the passengers better, so why not make the superstars worse?

  • Gabe Chenard-Poirier and Cherie Stewart will have to play while carrying 50 pounds of stones.
  • Highly focused defensepersons like Rob Walsh will have their concentration shattered, as they are forced to wear headphones repeatedly blasting the sounds of foghorns, Fran Drescher’s laugh, parrot squawks, cannon fire, and Gilbert Gottfried routines.
  • Absurdly limber goalies like Tim Brown will be replaced by mini-golf windmills.

Gabe “Hands of Stone” Chenard-Poirier (feat. Big Head Heather).

 

4. “Twilight Transitions,” The Trevor Beauclair Memorial Halfway House

What do we do when none of that helps and I still suck at hockey? Well, it’s time to pack up and call it a career. Thankfully a generous anonymous endowment from Rob Blandi has helped the league create “Twilight Transitions,” in honor of the extremely late (but not dead) Trevor Beauclair. Twilight Transitions will provide a living space in the Tompkins Square restrooms where obsolete players can prepare to function normally in society through fun, educational activities like:

  • riding the bus
  • purchasing lottery tickets
  • petting Justin’s dog and other regional animals
  • Yahtzee

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Twilight Transitions will be there to help us develop valuable life-skills, with lessons like Trash Can Operations 101, and Care and Feeding of Your Traffic Cone.

Bonus fun fact: Even though it hasn’t opened yet, Hector “$h0w+1m3!” Melendez has already bounced in and out of Twilight Transitions 47 times.

In Conclusion
While BTSH can’t cure everyone’s hockey problems, rest assured that the league recognizes the plight of the amateurish and is finally prepared to do something about it!

Correction 8/31/2015, 1:43pm: all of the above proposed programs have been canceled in favor of Commissioner Brown’s new plan to drive to Tahiti with several sacks full of cash. 

Updated proposal for 2016. (Image credit: Tim Brown’s notebook.)

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