The Round of Eight is finally here!  Will there be a rainout?  I don’t know–there was an 80% chance of rain on Saturday on Wednesday, now there’s a 40% chance that may shift the day of the downpour to Friday or … Sunday!  Will Hurricane Matthew Newman let us play?!

But wait, Mr. Met is no longer in the playoffs, so who could possibly replace him?  This guy, he’s someone you definitely don’t want to see on your court Sunday, and definitely not in the Round of 4’s.

But, this type of vague information on weather.com calls for a hero.  Like someone who used to work at a news service, preferably in broadcasting or reporting, possibly chased people around in a car who were talking on their cell phone, and has deep contacts with a Long Island weatherman.  Well, this sucks, I know an asshole with that background, but surely not a hero.

 

Fresh Kills v. Butchers

Neither team submitted their mad libs against humanity, so I guess they get a real preview…

Fresh Kills has been a solid team all year, when their studs show up to play.  You know who I’m talking about–any one on their roster.  This year, they’ve seen short benches here and there, but if Tom, Gabe, Ariel, Pat Moore, and a few others make it with a strong Barch in net, they’re going to have a real strong showing against the Butchers.

But the Butchers are not to be underestimated.  Posting the best season and strongest squad in Butcher history, the Meats will also be a force to reckon with.  Their speed across the board may make it hard for Moore to track and Gabe and Ariel to chase down.  While the Butchers’ captain, Dana, hangs out in the best vineyards in Tuscany, her squad will be playing in a franchise-defining game.

Will a Butchers win be an upset?  No, not really, if you have ever watched the Amazin’ Meats team this year.  I don’t know who will come out on top, but it’s going to be a nail-biting game, possibly going into OT.

Lbs, Inc. v. Filthier

Last week Filthier had a Mr. Flopper of a game.  Their soiled in oil performance, which was tantamount to the Rainbow’s no douches in this crease style of play was a real test.  Luckily, pen15 pulled a baseball bat down a hallway maneuver to win the game.

But, the Pounds are looking to give it to them doggy style by the dog pound, making them all lubricated and milky.  This game will get interesting if this happens.

Meanwhile, Filthier did not submit their mad libs against humanity, so they’re previews are looking a bit more bleak.  Will Denny and the Gang take back control of their playoff run?  Will Adela be roster checked because she’s only showed up twice or so this season?  With Shaq back from Oktoberfest or wherever the hell he was, and the perfect duo, James and Ann, on the prowl, the game’s final score will be left up to both teams’ stellar goaltending.

 

G. Anklebiters v. Rehabs

The Anklebiters are known for taking teams to the final minutes of playoff games.  With Ben, Derho, and their secret shooting weapon who shall not be named, Eric Ramirez may have some trouble coming his way.  Despite not posting a phenomenal season record, they can go toe to toe with any team in this league.  A few bounces their way, with some grit and hustle, is going to make this game a true $H0wD0wN.

In that same vein, the Rehabs are looking incredibly strong this year.  They acquired two players from inarguably the best team in league history for a pastrami sandwich from Tompkins Finest Deli, but they may have to forfeit this game due to these illegal players after their captain failed to pay the “next round of beer is on us” clause of the contract, which has been outstanding for more than 8 weeks.  With two of the best women constantly on defense and a swath of hunks always prepared to shoot the ball, the Anklebiters may become moreover nailbiters this game, as Craig is going to have to do a lot to keep them out of the net.

Sky Fighters v. Fuzz

And finally, the preview that I’ve been waiting to get to.  Not because of a certain affinity for either team, but because over the past couple days, I learned a lot about Rich Glanzer by asking a simple question: can you please send me a set of nouns, verbs, adjectives/adverbs, and sexual innuendoes for a mad libs/cards against humanity preview?  So, this is what we are left with–when you thought commas were an issue–nouns, verbs, and sexual innuendoes are just as hard to come by…

While the Skyfighters are coming off a win against the team with the biggest pipe organs BTSH has ever known, the Fuzz is going to have to Cosby and gush the Skyfighters’ lubricious defense.  Will Fuzz’s stubby be enough to break through Bob W’s and Greg’s gelatinous zone?  With Jeff’s diddle and Rich’s squishy, things are going to get weird.

Meanwhile, the Fuzz is going to have to be slippery, oily, creamy, buttery, gloopy, gooey, lush, glossy, blubbery, moist, and make this the worst previews in Round of 8 history due to Rich sending me his breakfast menu, instead of what was asked. And, Familia sucks.  If I had a dollar for every time I said that to Mets fans over the last two years, I’d have enough money for a significant vacation.