It’s that time of year again! It’s actually been that time of year for a month…Poaching Season!
Much like The Purge, where everything is legal for one day, and you aren’t allowed to be mad if someone kills a loved one or even you, Poaching Season is a guilt-free zone. Poach away, you poachers!
Here are some of the people that are most likely to have poach attempts directed at them, and some of the predators people like Julie and Cat should watch out for:
1. Yetter/Bryan/Jess, Dark Rainbows: The Rainbows went from winless to beating a D1 team in the playoffs this year. They gave Cobra Kai a serious run for their money, and only a drunken Sam stopped Cat/Greenwald/Tia from winning the captain of the year vote (they actually did win it). Much of their success came from the three newbies. The Troika of captains better sleep with one eye open, or else some Gritty captain will cuckold them, and steal what’s theirs.
Teams to watch out for: Lbs. Jess has built a nice friendship with someone from the Lbs., and Yetter and Luke click on another level for the Cleveland Browns in District 5. Both would make a nice fit.
Odds of Poaching: 0%. First year players rarely pull a Hicks and leave. They have a great thing going and won’t mess it up.
2. Carlin, Sky Fighters: Carlin went to OC and plays in D5, so everyone knows who she is. Jess and Shelly were numbers 1 and 2 in the ROY race the whole season, and there was no #3, until Carlin plowed past the field and inserted herself into the conversation. Sweet innocent Carlin isn’t so innocent when putting you in a headlock when you forget to wear a Mets hat, but she’s still really good at hockey, and everyone now knows it. She will be a hot commodity during Poaching Season.
Teams to watch out for: Fuzz. (not really, I swore we would never poach from you guys again until 2020, and she would never come to us anyway). She played with Jeff on the Shortis, and in D5 Jeff tried to go around her 5 times and Carlin literally laughed at him as Jeff kept failing, and failing, and failing (and failing 2 more times).
Odds of Poaching: 6%. I highly doubt Carlin leaves but there are a ton of teams that probably have already inquired.
3. Shelly, Mega Touch: Shelly went to OC and has been sociable…she doesn’t just come and leave. Some people think she’s ok at hockey too.
Teams to watch out for: Cobra Kai. Besides Dani offering her guaranteed PP time for the Riveters or she’d fire the coach, Russ is better looking than any guy on Mega (pause) so she’d be crazy not to jump ship.
Odds of Poaching: Calm down Julie, less than 0. Julie will shank a bitch if Shelly sneezes and you say “gesundheit”. Plus she seems to be friendly with Olivier and he probably wouldn’t do that to her.
4. Hicks/Zac, Cecil Harambe: Well first off neither one is leaving Cecil Harambe, but they may leave the Rehabs and WTP. The two clicked as linemates and no doubt the cocky duo has already talked about dominating BTSH. Power hungry Hicks probably is going to try to expand in 2020 just so he can poach a lot of great players and me.
Team to watch out for: Filthier. Ann probably has already cancelled all her morning meetings and sent a limo for the pair.
Odds of them being poached: 70%. I’d be surprised if Hogg stayed on WTP, and from past experience, I can tell you Hicks not only weebles, but often wobbles.
5. Erich, Gremlins: Erich is the most underrated player in the league.
Team to watch out for: No one really, he’s underrated you stupid idiots, so no one really knows him.
Odds of him being poached: 2%. People do actually know him and would want him on their team. But he seems loyal. He once yelled at me for poaching Hicks. (For the record, I didn’t, Hicks came to me.)
6. Derek, Instant Karma: Derek is more underrated than Erich, but like the awards show (where Sam drunkenly gives the award to the wrong person), so do I. He’s not only really good, but unlike every other person on this list, he’s actually a really good person too.
Team to watch out for: Anklebiters. Though the Anklebiters (God’s Team) would never poach anyone (what’s up Craig, Tim, Coco, Joe P.??) Probie and Derek are on another level when they play together.
Odds of being poached: 20%. I don’t expect Derek to leave, but if Probie asks me to be his linemate I’d be wearing one of their furry costumes that all new Anklebiters wear, and babysitting Phil’s kid. Amy would then divorce Phil and Marko would shoot up TSP, but I’d be playing with Probie! In other words, Derek may not stray, but he def would be tempted.
That’s it for now…stay safe my friends and protect your loved ones, and good players!