Instant Karma at Fresh Kills
by Rachel G

Remember when the season started off and Instant Karma was the at-that-moment-still-known-as-Showtime division darling? They had a 7-1 record, THE Peter Wilson and full control of the media. Where were Fresh Kills at this time? Pretty sure Gabe was getting married and Sheena was being formed in some awesome-female-hockey-player lab that I still have yet to locate. These are cute anecdotes and all, but this is the playoffs.

Soko and Fresh Kills don’t mess around for the playoffs. And Chadwick? Messing around is kind of his specialty. Which in some cases has worked to his advantage. How will Barch know where his shot is going of Ben doesn’t even know?

Statistically, Gabe plays better when wearing Karma blue. Just saying.

Statistically, Gabe plays better when wearing Karma blue. Just saying.

Karma’s Keys to the Game: Bill has his work cut out for him shutting down a very potent offense, make sure you watch for Ariel – don’t let those cuddly looks fool you. Maloney needs to stay sober and stand on his head.

Kills’ Keys to the Game: Speak Russian on the court and confuse Karma. I hope you’ve taught the rest of the team some of those key phrases like “Petitska.”

Prediction: If Karma can be more decisive on offense they’ll keep this one close, but in the end FK will be the team moving on 5-2 (-2.5 goals).

Gouging Anklebiters at Mega Touch
by Triple racH

We have an exciting match-up this Sunday between the Ace Division Gouging Anklebiters and HiFi Division Mega Touch. This is anyone’s game people!

Mega Touchers (?) have impressed everyone with their strong play this year (especially Adriano “I score almost as much as Probert” Bratta) while the Biters have been credited with bringing that boozy spirit (and crabzzz) back to the league again. The last time these 2 teams met Mega Touch won 2-0, but were the Anklebiters at full strength? They could have just been hungover from a wild Saturday night or playing without star forward Ben “Scores A Lot” Probert. We’ll never know, because I don’t plan to fact check this article. That being said, Mega Touch is in uncharted territory this year, having earned the first round bye. This is all going to come down to which team has the most Hustle, Loyalty, & Respect (had to).

The team that dranks together wins together.

The team that dranks together wins together.

Until Sunday, so many questions remain…Will Sarah M and Caroline step up for the Biters to pull in a W (for women, you guys!)? Are Brady and Alok ready to go head-to-head with the likes of Phil and Worky? Will Craig actually keep his clothes on through the entire game? Did Mega Touch lose Julie somewhere between the Fujis and Honeycrisps last weekend? Are there any horse socks? Is anyone listening to me?

Now that's team unity.

Now that’s team unity.

Prediction: Tuckman’s brilliant play in net this season proves to be no fluke as he only allows a single goal and poor Craigers lets three slip in.  3-1 Mega (-1.5 goals)
Cobra Kai at Butchers
by Dirty-Derk
Contrasting circumstances bring these division rivals together in this heated Round of 16 contest.

After a disappointing, sub .500 season, Cobra Kai limped into the postseason as the #15 seed and were staring directly at a daunting opening round matchup against the Corlears Hookers and their suspect goalie. However, against all odds, the Dojo survived an early 1-0 deficit and advanced to the Round of 16 with a solid 3-1 win.  Liam Martens scored two in the contest, causing many to wonder where he’d been all season.  Alas.

Cobra Kai will play the underdog role once again this week.

Cobra Kai will play the underdog role once again this week.

The Butchers, on the other hand, are the Elle Woods of the playoffs.  Sure, they won their division with ease, more or less clinching it sometime in July.  Yes, they trail only Fuzz in goals scored and have two of the league’s top scorers in James Kinney and Georgine “Mulva” Paulin.  And yet, they still find themselves in law school with a ton of doubters, people thinking of ways to restructure the playoffs because they think the Butchers are seeded too high, a professor offering them internships for sex, and everything to prove.

Prediction: The Butchers have already beaten Cobra Kai twice this season: 5-3 back in April and 4-2 just two weeks ago.  It’s no secret I’m big fan of the Fightin’ Rachels (even the one whose name I can’t pronounce), but the Butchers are the #3 seed for a reason…so as much as it pains me, I’m calling another 2 goal victory for the Butchers. (-1.5 goals)

Dark Rainbows at Filthier
by Richiehero

Dark Rainbows vs. Filthier, WTP vs. Fuzz, Gremmies vs. Rehabs…these three matchups all seem like impossible matchups for the Kazin Conference (or it it some silly Harry Potter conference name?) teams. All three will require the following things for an upset.

Regardless of the score, this dude hustles till the end.

Rainbows, regardless of the score, this dude hustles till the end. Put a body or two on him.

  • Great goaltending. You are about to get outshot. By a lot. So Kevin will have to outplay Tim K. This is going to be really hard because Tim K. is the best regulation goalie we have in this league. But if it gets to OT, call me, and I can help you out.
  • Competitiveness: While the Rainbows aren’t known for their winning take all mentality, Filthier is. And if the Rainbows want to truly pull off this upset, Roberts needs to get the team to buy in.
  • Intelligence: Gotta play smart against Filthier. No team can run and gun with them. Denis backchecks! (And just checks in general)
Prediction: No one will remember if I predict Filthier and win, but the world will realize how smart I am (because I obviously won’t let them forget) if I predict the Rainbows to win. But Mama Glanzer raised no fool (except my brother Jack!) and I’m certainly not gonna go on a limb here. Filthier may have had a Championship Hangover through some of the regular season, but that will end this week.
Filthier 5- Rainbows 2. (-2.5 goals)
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