The Sexiest Game Ever!

#8 Denim Demons (11-6-0-1) at #7 What The Puck (10-5-1-2)
Written by playoff correspondent Sven Larsen
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: What The Puck leads 12-4
2011 Result: Week 10 – What The Puck 6, Denim Demons 2
Game Notes: Canadiens-Bruins. Avalanche-Wings. Glanzer-Chadwick. Some hockey rivalries are just too bitter for words to properly capture. And WTP-Demons may just be the most intense rivalry of them all.  How much do these two teams dislike each other? Rumor has it that Demons Captain Adam Rubens was willing to pay big money for a private Wiggles concert on game day. His insidious plan to trigger multiple amber alerts and lead the WTP farm team away like some kind of BTSH Pied Piper was only foiled when his frugal nature got the better of him, and he hired Coach’s band to imitate the kid tune megastars instead. Needless to say, Aaron’s punk rock take on “Here Comes the Chicken Down the Road” only served to fan the flames of hate. Meanwhile, WTP Captain Larry Zimmer manufactured historical evidence in an attempt to convince Demons star Mike Pereira that he was actually the long lost brother of Filthy Gorgeous players Joe and James Pereira. Zimmer tried to convince the talented forward that he should “play with his family,” but Mike easily saw through the ruse (Note to Zimm, Pereira is not a French last name. You’re thinking of Perrier, dumbass.).  Child abduction, counterfeiting, Wiggles concerts. There is nothing these two teams won’t do to give them the edge in this game.  On a hockey note, both these teams are quite good.
Sven’s Pick: If WTP is able to ice a full lineup, there’s not a better playmaking team in the league. Demons have a slight edge in goaltending and the Kamen-Pereira 1-2 punch is pretty impressive. But I’m going with the team in blue and orange. WTP in overtime (probably on a goal by Darrell)
Watchability: 4 1/2 Capt’n Featherswords

Does One Of These Men Wear Women’s Shoes?

#11 Butchers (10-7-1) at #4 Poutine Machine (12-3-1-2)
Written by playoff correspondent Rich Glanzer
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 1-1
2011 Result: Week 15 – Poutine Machine 4, Butchers 1
Cinderella apparently doesn’t want her slipper back from the Butchers, which is good because late at night when no one is looking, Chris DiMotta likes to wear women’s shoes. But apparently Sven is trying on Monica’s footwear too, as Poutine doesn’t want the clock to strike 12 either.  The Butchers surprised the BTSH world last year by upsetting the Rehabs and Demons on their way to the semis. This year, their road doesn’t *appear* to be as hard, having to go through two lower division teams in the Unicorns and Poutine Machine. Backed by a very good goalie in Eric Ramirez, a great scorer in Ben Bloom, and the veteran wiles of DiMotta, the Butchers are a tough out.  Poutine doesn’t score many goals. They are led by Captain of the Year Patrick Sven Larsen, and Tim Brown, the league’s best goalie (no offense Craig/Stein/Dustin/deLacy). Poutine is also one of the most spirited teams in the league, and their hard forechecking, play hard attitude will have to carry them past the more talented Butchers.  I see a very close game here…mostly because all Poutine games are close. They don’t score or give up goals. It’s sorta like BTSH’s version of soccer. But this game won’t come down to Bloom vs. Brown, it will come down to which Squirrel is mightier, Rachel Greene or Sven.  I give Greene a ton of credit for assembling this playoff-ready team, but I have to give Sven more credit (hence, the Captain of the Year). His team goes after it on the rink.  Very few times are there any teams with more members at the bar, and I just see the magic in Poutine that I saw with the Sky Fighters in ’09, and the Elves last year. I told a few people that I saw a Hookers/Poutine final before the playoffs started and though I hope I’m wrong with the Hookers, I think I’m right with Poutine. They advance, 2-1.
Game Notes: In case you didn’t get the Squirrel reference, Rachel Greene and Patrick Larsen co-captained the now defunct Mighty Squirrels. Why did they disband? Because they couldn’t beat the Elves in 2008. The Elves went 1-17-1 that year. The win was against the Tuques and the tie was vs. the Squirrels. Shame and humiliation forced the Tuques to change their name and the Squirrels realized they weren’t exactly Mighty since they couldn’t beat the league’s all-time worst team so they just divorced and went their separate ways. True story.
Rich’s Pick: Poutine
Watchability: 4 Ric Flair Wooooos