18. Gut Rot at 15. Denim Demons – 1 pm, West
by Cat and Jess(ica) D

In this corner: Gut Rot

The road so far: Gut Rot has had its ups and downs this season. What they lack in wins they make up for in team chemistry and likability off the courts. But don’t be fooled, this team has some sleeper weapons who just might be activated for this revenge match after losing 5-2 to the Demons last Sunday.

The history books: Last year Gut Rot ended regular season with slightly better league positioning but failed to make it to the round of 16.

Injury report: On account of their habit of running around in floaties like a pack of drunk bubble boys, they are well-insulated from injury.

One player to watch: Akhil – his goal count should not be dismissed, plus when the man puts on the charm offensive he’s unstoppable.

Key number: 3, the number of consecutive victories Morgen has at two girls one cup.

Dominant narrative: Part of what’s great about watching Gut Rot is they are hard to predict and prone to the occasional cinematic upset (such as their 2017 victory over Fuzz and, of course, The Day The Earth Stood Drunk).

The big question: If Gut Rot can pull off a win, will they rise to the challenge of their next opponent or will they buckle under the pressure and disappoint us all? (Wow we sound like my mom)

Bandwagon-ability: High. What’s not to like about this team? They’re rough and tough and yell BITCHEZZZ.

One good reason not to root for them: None, we fuckin’ love those goons.

In this corner: Denim Demons

The road so far: Fighting off bad jokes about rain fears, too many Zachs, and Jewish holidays interfering with scheduling, it’s been an uphill battle.

The history books: Look we’re not Rich or JW so like fuck if we know.

Injury report: D-Ro rolled his ankle last Sunday and his return is questionable, Jen P may or may not be able to see out of one eye after Ocean City and there is only so much her left breast can take.

One player to watch: Zach F- despite there being 3 (or more) Zach’s on the demons, Zach F bulldozed Gut Rot last week scoring 4 of the 5 goals for the Demons. Will he have a repeat performance against Gut Rot on Sunday? Who knows. Will he continue to wear a bright yellow helmet? Most definitely.

Key number: 52, the number of times Boatsex Brad has had sex on a boat.

Dominant narrative: I took to the streets to get a feel for this one and I was told “They are only medium-sized dicks” so there you have it folks. MDE. (that’s “medium dick energy” for those unnamed folks (Walker) who don’t understand millennial acronyms.

The big question: Will Rubens conquer his fear of the weather and anger towards over-played jokes?

Bandwagon-ability: Depending on who you ask they are #leaguesweethearts but the person you asked probably had their dog stolen.

One good reason not to root for them: TBH the Demons are like the bad guys in Space Balls. You don’t actually dislike them but you never root for them (and occasionally laugh at/with them.

Prediction: the 1pm time slot the day after Prom is just cruel to both teams. If Akhil and Peaches hit the bar like last year then it’ll be over for Gut Rot before the rooster crows. Demons move on 4-2.

20. Tompkins Square Riots at 13. Mega Touch – 3 pm, East
by Izzy

In this corner: Tompkins Square Riots

The road so far: The season has seen its fair share of lows, like allowing the Rainbows to win their first game, but it has also had some spectacular highs such as defeating the No. 1 overall playoff seed Cobra Kai in a shootout and then later getting revenge against the Rainbows, 6-1.

The history books: Amy and the Riots haven’t made it out of the Opening Round since 2015 and beyond that hasn’t produced many glory years. This year could be different though due to the fantastic resolve of rookie Margot and speedy Dave.

Injury report: At this point in the season everyone is playing with a couple bumps and bruises and from what their clubhouse has been leaking, it sounds like Sharif been playing on a fractured posterior.

One player to watch: Suz: That girl KNOWS how to wear AND werk in a helmet.

Key number: 13: the number of games where they failed to score more than a single goal.

Dominant narrative: L-Mac and her Riots are too nice take a playoff win away from another team. This is hogwash. Kevin and Alex are ready to take the jelly out of Mega’s donut.

The big question: Will they choke or actually make it out of the Opening Round?

Bandwagon-ability: Soaring pretty effing high. This team keeps it so BTSH-real that you have to wonder why certain Division 1 and 2 teams haven’t been voted out of the league yet.

One good reason not to root for them: None. We loves the Riots!

In this corner: Mega Touch

The road so far: They had an opportunity win another division, but the mental scars from 2017 forced them to pump the breaks near the end of the season.

The history books: Eh, not great. Let’s move on.

Injury report: Those zany socks that Alex wears have been concealing a horrifying secret. The PR team has done a great job hiding it with a little misdirection, however, it has become obvious that he may be hairless.

One player to watch: Mary May Mega Touch: She takes too many dives. Don’t fall for it refs!

Key number: 2: game skid they are currently on. Not exactly what you want heading in the playoffs. Then again, they really didn’t want to move up to the Division 3 powerhouse.

Dominant narrative: Tuckman has been a stud in net all season long. He earned three consecutive shutouts in the second half of the season and had the lowest goals-against in his BTSH career. Sure, a defense can win you a championship but a hot goalie can inspire an entire fan base.

The big question: Will brunch end up being their kryptonite again? Each season the team gets together to chow down before the big game and each year they’re sent packing early. Pancakes + French Toast + Bacon + Eggs + Home Fries = cement in the belly and a walking coma.

Bandwagon-ability: Not as high as the Riots, but it is pretty darn close.

One good reason not to root for them: We’re really grasping here, so we’ll say Julie’s the reason.

Prediction: Dave GDR stands on his head, but alas one of his defenders knocks in an own goal and Mega moves on 1-0.