Rehabs at Fuzz

By Meatbox

Few things in life are certain. Among them are death, taxes, and Alexa struggling to find refs for this game despite literally offering to pay anyone double who will ref it. However, once she does have those refs, it’s almost certainly guaranteed that this will once again be a great matchup. On the one side you have Fuzz who are hungry to avenge last week’s loss to WTP. On the other you have the Rehabs who came out guns blazing in week 2 and are looking to keep the momentum.

Let’s take a look at this rivalry over the last 3 years:

Week 17, 2016 Fuzz 4, Rehabs 1

Week 1, 2017 Rehabs 4, Fuzz 3 (OT) #fencegate

Week 16, 2017 Rehabs 6, Fuzz 2

Quarterfinals 2017 Rehabs 1, Fuzz 0

Week 18, 2018 Rehabs 5, Fuzz 1

Quarterfinals 2018 Fuzz 3, Rehabs 2 (OT)

It should be noted that for both Week 16, 2017 and Week 18, 2018, Fuzz was very short on players (Glanzer will make sure to let everyone know if I don’t print that). In any case, you’ve got a rivalry where 3 of the last 5 games have been decided by one goal. You’ve had players tribune pieces, fence shoves, late game comebacks, and overtime thrillers. If recent history is any indicator, this is most like the first of three matchups for these two teams this year, so who’s jumping out to a 1-0 season series lead?

Prediction: Glanzer avoids egregious (big word, look it up, Rich) turnovers in his own zone, but ends up with as many points in this game as his idol, Art Shamsky had hits in the 1969 World Series (0). Riding the coattails of Jeff, Gil, and Mike T to victory works for him most weeks, but not this one. Rehabs 3, Fuzz 1.

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By Cat

As you would imagine I am THRILLED to find that the beef beat hit the presses before I started handing out participation trophies. Living for the drama. Was also living for the first beautiful court day on Sunday – BTSH at its finest, lots upsets and lots of day drinking. Well maybe ‘living’ is an exaggeration of my level of activity. As I said repeatedly to my wonderful editor when he was all like ‘where the hell are three stars’ – Manhattans on tap are a bad idea. I also legitimately don’t know why teams like the Dark Rainbows and Gut Rot are ever scheduled 12:30pm games. What do you think we do on Saturday night, drink water and go to bed at 9?

I can’t wait for Art Shamsky, 1969 NY Mets World Series Champion, my best friend, and newly minted New York Times Bestselling Author and lay down the law with Meatbox.

Third Star

Ed P from What The Puck

After betraying Diane, Ed proves his worth to What The Puck by holding strong against Fuzz. WTP scored all three goals in the first half and then tripled down on defense in the second, ultimately holding their lead and finishing 3-2.

[Refers to notes from editor] I am supposed to make a wrestling reference for some reason? Yeah idk, Rich just make up your own self-own from your wrestlemania encyclopedia.

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This week the box scores are provided to you by the shipment of fresh salt a certain meatbox has just received and already delivered to the btsh community. Other btsh articles aside, the Gremlins’ buffalo boys have already claimed the extra salt for their Week 3 warmup.

FA scrimmages will never again be snowed out.

I have to go back to writing lengthy ref manager emails so these will be brief (yet again) this week. Enjoy!

Dank Bows 2 @ Math 5

Rainbows – Yetter (2), Matty Freeze (2)

Goalie Loss – Greenwald (1-1, GAA of 3.50)

Math – Jack McG x2 (2), Todd M (1), Zach N (1), Jon M (1)

Goalie Win – David L-W (1-1, GAA of 3.00)

Game Notes: The media forgot to predict the rainbows were going to lose 6-2 and therefore didn’t have any bulletin board multiple to put up at their weekly roof practice.

Advncd Anlytcs: I’m not sure if it’s a typo but the rainbows had the two exact same scorers as last week.

Riots 0 @ Evil Dojo 3

Goalie Loss – Zak C via Demons (yes, another Za/ch/ck/cc/c on Demons)

CK – Top Shelf Tommy x2 (2), Alan H (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – G#1 Not Not Campbell (1-0, 1 Shutout)

Game Notes: After getting the shout out in the box scores last week, Tom found the right net (twice) in this contest, including the ice breaker and eventual GwG.

Demons 4 @ Butchers 2

Demons – Miles x2 (4), Neil (5), Gene (1)

Goalie Win – Zak C via ctrl+f Za/k/c/ch recruiting process (1-0)

Butchers – Rachel (1), Brendan (1)

Goalie Loss – Max the FA (0-1-0-1, GAA of 2.00)

Game Notes: If only Butchers could decline division 4 games like they were NFL flags.

Advncd Anlytcs: Rachel gifted one of the flukey Butcher goals to newcomer Brendan. Where’s a three stars of the week post and some positivity when you need it?!

Hookers 5 @ Gut Rot 0

Hookers – The Lone Wolff (1), CJ “not the running back” Anderson (1), Eleni T (1), Sean with one N (1), Jacques (1)  

Goalie Shutout Win – Greenwald via CrosFaveHotLegs2018

Goalie Loss – Not Eitan (a former league Sultan champ forgot to write this down)

Game Notes: The annual run to -70 has just begun!

Les Curdz 1 @ Filthier 3

Poos – Christian H (1)

Goalie Loss – DeLacy (0-1)

Filthier – James P (1), Ryan McL (1), Sunny M (1)

Goalie Win – Tim K (1-1, GAA of 2.00)

Game Notes: *Insert wide eyed emoji for my multiple inboxes blown up by this game – where is Inspector Clouseau when you need him*

DaPucks 3 @ Fuzz 2

WTP – Paul (1), Noah (1), Hog(g)*elin “the caps bandwagon hopper” (1)

Goalie Win – Ed P (1-1, GAA unknown – where is that data integrity when you need it?)

Fuzz – Jeff (2), Sig (1)

Goalie Loss – Tim Bwn (1-1, GAA of a deuce)

Game Notes: With WTP up 3-0 after the first 10-15 minutes of the game, they hung on to dear life, with Ed’s light blue chesty shining bright for the second half of this poaching-season-2019-article tilt #myPoachee2019.

Advncd Anlytcs: WTP averaged between 130 to 150 in PDO on the day. Just to further demonstrate the shot advantage for Fuzz(!!!!): a crossbar hit with 4 minutes left by WTP would have further swung that metric as high as 167 (assuming it goes in if it was on net, of course).

*still useless to Rich, who he was unable to toey dans la deuxieme periode!!! (0/1)

Fresh Kills 2 @ Gremlins 3 (F/SO)

FK – Erica G via FA, Andrew “Jeans” M (1)

Goalie Shootout Loss – Patty B (0-0-0-1)

Gremlins – Erich G x2 (2)

Goalie Win – Jamie B (2-0, GAA of 1.50)

Shootout Winner – Also Erich (this qualifies as a “toque” for the viewers at home watching the NHL playoffs on TSN)

Game Notes: Everyone is reminded that there is no video (or photo flipbook) review in BTSH, except when it comes to Walker emailing you highlights of his minuses (this is *actually* not a joke).

It’s a good thing I’m not the “Tronna” of any reviews either. I can’t even see a stick anywhere inside of either red circle. Call on the black top clearly has to stand.

Rehabs 4 @ Karma 0

Rehabs – Hicks x3 (3), Mo R (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – Max the FA (1-0, 1 shutout)

Goalie Loss – Steve F (0-2, GAA of 2.50)

Game Notes: The below graphic is not a spoiler…this is technically the week 2 game after all!!

For those trying to keep track of the Rehabs scoring at home.

Anklebiters 3 @ Mega Touch 0

GANK – Jared x2 (3), Shooey (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – Craig LaC (2-0, 1 shutout, GAA of 0.50)

Goalie Loss – Eric D (0-1)

Game Notes: Ben does not lead his team in goals, start chirping up Jared, yah boo-birds!

SkyFighters 0 @ Pound Sterlings 2

Goalie Loss – OG James (0-1)

POUNDS – Alex F (2), Karsten P (3)

Goalie Shutout Win – Sizzler (2-0, 1 shutout, GAA of 1.00, and zero requests to recast the goalie standings)

Rehabs 4 @ Fresh Kills 0 (Week 1 #SunFears makeup)

Rehabs – Ramy (1), Hicks (4), Michelle (1), Alex M (1)

Goalie Shutout Win – Max the FA (2-0, 2 shutouts)

Goalie Loss – Patty B (0-1-0-1)

Game Notes: Friendly reminder that our crease rule is not the equivalent of the 1999 Stanley Cup Finals in Triple OT. Cheers.**

But let our extra zoomed in CSI high resolution shot do the talking:

Doesn’t matter where that ball is, you still can’t step in there.

** (From one Canadian North American Champ to another, sorry, Gabe. Teets McGee is going to win the scoring title again anyways.)

By The Meatbox

Man, week 1 was soooo lame. I thought ya’ll had forgotten that half the fun of BTSH is the drama, but thank God you proved me wrong. I should have just realized that this league’s drama is like a plant. Last week we gave it some water, this week we gave it some sunlight and HOLY CRAP IT GREW. Well, that or whenever Russ Ham shows up he brings the drama with him #theprovider.

Without further adieu here are your 3 spoiled meats of the week.

Third Spoiled Meat

Ringers who can’t keep their sticks down

I get it. BTSH is kinda hockey, but not quite hockey. We’re like some weird bastard child of alcoholism, soccer, hockey, and not being a dick. For people new to it who come in ready to play hockey, not being allowed to stick check is weird. All the whistles are weird. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KEEP YOUR STICK DOWN IM TIRED OF ALL THESE WHISTLES. Winning is awesome, but you know what’s not awesome? Showing up to work on Monday with a giant gash in your face because a ringer wasn’t able to keep their stick on the blacktop. Keep ‘em down folks.

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By Arya Stark

Cobra Kai avenged last season’s shocking shootout loss and last week’s shocking lack of cleaning with a 3-0 win over the Riots. Campbell returned from god knows what was going down in Puerto Rico to notch the shutout.

Math bounced back from a tough opening loss to take down the Rainbows 5-2. Two goals scored by the cobra although if he wants to keep that nickname I’m going to need a snake charmer celebration ASAP.

The Hookers won 5-0 over Gut Rot, with Greenwald notching the shutout and saving survivor pools everywhere.

The Demons pulled an impressive win in a minor upset over the Butchers. They won 4-2 and look to be a lock to finish the season over .500 for the first time since 2016.

Filthy held on to beat Poutine 3-1 in a tight checking affair that almost featured a goalie brawl which would have been amazing and to my knowledge would have been a BTSH first (Rich pls confirm).

What The Puck pulled out the upset of the week, devastating many survivor pools but also delighting many fans as they held on for a tight 3-2 win over defending champ Fuzz. In related news, Fuzz is considering investing in an Ed P voodoo doll.

The Rehabs beat Karma 4-0 on a goal from Monique and a hat trick from the Meatbox. Later in the afternoon they made up last week’s rained out game and beat Fresh Kills by the same 4-0 score. An anonymous source on the sideline was heard bragging that “we don’t like dick and we don’t let in goals” which would be a great team slogan…much catchier than their current one, “our girls will destroy yours.”

The Gremlins outlasted the Fresh Kills 3-2 in a shootout. Ariel scored for the Fresh Kills, as is tradition, but Allison and Erich scored for the Gremlins and Jamie delivered the victory by stoning Gabe. It was the first victory in franchise history for the Grems over the Fresh Kills. Gabe’s grief took on a strange form as sometime around 8:15 he sent me this and this video…can’t lie, they are oddly fascinating.

The Biters beat Mega without the services of Probie, which they might want to get used to because if UVA wins tonight I don’t think any of us will ever see him again.

Finally, the LBS bested the Sky Fighters 2-0 on a hard fought Zisser shutout. The Sky Fighters picked up some solid players in the offseason which is great news for teams like Poutine and Fuzz.

See ya next week.