With the Elves and Rainbows tied in points and apparently every other tiebreak category these teams’ seeding had to come down to a coin toss (which Rich rigged with Luisa). The Elves won the coin toss, causing Chadwick to have to play his old team and making this the Game Of The Week.

Personally, I am more excited about the Gremlins/LBS. exhibition game.

Happy Little Elves at Instant Karma
(Written by Dr. Byron Clavicle)

Keys to the game for the Happy Little Elves:

One thing is for certain: a team founded by Ben Chadwick will win the game (or win the rigged coin toss when this one goes into super-bazillion-tuple overtime).

Rich’s pick: This is the shortest thing Clavicle’s ever written! Huzzaaahh!!! It’s a good thing he doesn’t know how much I hate his guts. Elves 4-2. Clavicle and Danielle score for them. Gil, Miles with 2 each. I don’t score. But if I do I’m Jeroming my celebration.
Sam’s pick: Rich scores the game winning goal, but gets called for a high stick (but for the next year, he will say he scored in the playoffs).  It goes into overtime, but I am delaying the inevitable truth by typing cliches on top of the same cliche like “delaying the inevitable truth by typing cliches on top of the same cliche like “‘delaying the inevitable truth by typing cliches on top of the same cliche like “”‘delaying the inevitable truth'””.
Damnit!  I only thought to stack three cliches here and really needed to make it unlimited so that I don’t  come to the inevitable truth that no one wants to admit… sometimes evil triumphs in the first round of the playoffs.  Elves 4  Karma 3
J Dubs’ pick:  Elves 4, Karma 2. Chadwick gets 1 to continue the streak, but it’s not enough to continue his team’s season.

Dark Rainbows at Poutine Machine

Both of these teams have a lot of talent, yet both teams under-performed in the regular season. There is particularly a lot of rookie talent on both teams, and this game is going to come down to them.

Keys to the game for the Rainbows:

• Make sure Sean and Bill show up. I don’t really know those guys, but they’re good. You’re going to need them.
• Give Tia a kazoo. She’ll use it to distract the other team at opportune times. I see nothing in the rules that makes this illegal.
• Your all-star rookie goaltender has got to have a great game.  Play well defensively for him and this game is yours.
• Convince Poutine that you wear pink for breast cancer awareness.  They may be so touched by this that they forfeit the game out of respect for you and your cause.
• Start Josh Wilson.  Always start Josh Wilson.

Keys to the game for Poutine:

• DON’T eat poutine before the game.
• Jerome had a career-high 12 goals this season, get that guy the puck and make him shoot it.
• Get Jo Jo amped up enough that she is swearing in French.  She plays better that way.
• Make sure Brian shows up. And that he is relatively sober.
• Try to block out Tia’s kazoo playing.  It isn’t going to be easy.

Rich’s pick: Prettttty sure Poutine would try to win in a game of tic-tac-toe vs. a 98-year-old woman who has dementia. And when that women invariably beats them they would tell her that she lost during the time she was coherent. A team after my own cold-black heart. Though I would also beat the 98-year-old woman in arm wrestling. Poutine 2-1.
Sam’s pick: Damn, pretty solid game this week.  If Kevin “His Name” Longwell has a great game in net for the Rainbows, Poutine is going to have trouble.  But, if Jerome, Jo Jo, and Jacob crash the net, this one is going into overtime–and a loose ball will settle it!!!
J Dubs’ pick: Rainbows 3, Poutine 2.  The ‘Bows all-star rookie goaltender has a great game.

Mega Touch vs. Hookers

This moment could not be more intense—could it be underdog team, Mega Touch, advancing into the second round of playoffs?!

Alex Vegan Socks dances behind the net, Hookers D converge, but it’s all too late—Vegan Socks bounces it off the back of the Hookers’ goalie, hitting the top netting, then the back, and slowly, for about 5 seconds, trickling clearly out of the goal. The ball paid a half-month’s rent while there.

The crowd of 50 go wild, the Hookers immediately march over to the ref, circle like sharks, and give 5 conflicting accounts of how the ball: 1) went in, but only because there was a hole in the net; 2) absolutely didn’t go in at all, and the Hookers actually scored; 3) went in, only after burrowing its way through the asphalt and popping up in the net; 4) it was a loose ball from the other court that actually went in, and if you give the goalie a minute, he’ll show you the real one in his glove; and, 5) that’s not the street hockey ball, it’s a falafel—look who shot it!

They were all lies, every one of them. But the ref took the bait, reversed the call, and enjoyed the falafel.

Could Mega still pull off the win with 45 minutes remaining?

Hookers 5  Mega 0

Rich: I see a late goal scored by Julie…yes Julie to spark a wild celebration by Mega. These things tend to happen in the playoffs. 8-1 Hookers. Congrats on the goal though, Jules!

Riots/WTP

How did WTP do so well this year, and still end up in the bottom 8?  I just caught up with Math analyst, Zach Norris, who explained the leading theory of how this came to be:

“The leading theory, Hseih, is that WTP carried a roster of 60. I walked by their bench last week, and everyone was still addressing each other as Sir, Ma’am, and Hey You, so team chemistry may be an issue. Hell, even one person once addressed Mike Dudolevitch as Hey Dude, but honestly, I think he just got lucky.”

Meanwhile, the Riots upset the Elves this year. Will they be able to do it again, and move the ball in breakouts like they have been the last few weeks? Will Sharif “The Big Cheese” work in tandem with Suz and the Gang to notch a few early goals?  I have no fucking idea, but Dave “The Other Gil” de Rubio will need to block all primary shots and have his D clear that shit as soon as it’s blocked.

Either way, both teams enjoy the company of the courts with celebratory drinks after the game, despite who wins or loses.

Rich: I don’t know who wrote this but we give predictions including playoffs. So whoever it wrestling is you’re fired. And WTP will win 5-1. Can’t wait for Dave’s Facebook post Monday!