Cecil Harambe
by Derk Diggler

2017 Tournament Results: B Bracket winners…but I’m sure you already knew that, because they’re still gloating about it. Have you ever seen a team celebrate mediocrity as much as Cecil(e) Harambe? The funny part is that they essentially played one good game the entire tournament. After bumbling through the Saturday games, they lucked into the most favorable draw possible on Sunday, which culminated in a 1-0 dump-fest win against Drunk Machine. Congrats guys–you beat BSA and Hornswoggle.

The Captain(s): It was Richie, then he got hurt, so it was Derek, and now it’s kind of Richie again in a non-playing capacity. So, what’s he going to do? Is he just going to limp behind the benches, trying to garner sympathy for his routine minor outpatient surgery? Why is Derek still involved? Didn’t he have a kid and move like two years ago? Get on with your life, dude.

Also, even though he’s not officially a captain, Elly is floating around.

Top Players: Can anyone please explain why Fresh Kills joined forces with these tryhards? Any team would happily take Ariel and Barch (unless they’re trying to make a point about how much fun they’re having at OC by losing), but they’ve stuck it out with CH for years leaving us to believe Richie obviously has incriminating photos of them. Plus, they have LJ from Cobra Kai, who either has too much loyalty for her own good or just didn’t realize you’re allowed to change teams.

What’s New: So, after of texting, emailing, and stalking, Richie has finally coerced Gabe into joining his squad. Naturally, he’ll have a great tournament, and Richie will claim he’s a brilliant strategist as a result.

What’s Old: Hicks. This self-proclaimed “alpha male” (who missed last year’s tournament after he was “triggered”) changes BTSH teams more often than he changes his jock, but for some reason, he’s still going to OC with Cecil Harambe. One would think his new lady friend would make him a tad more likeable, but it may have exacerbated his male fragility.

Of course, in a broader sense, can someone please tell these guys that Ocean City is meant for fun? It’s like they never got the memo that we should just let the Shortis win, so they’d be much better off spending their time on the beach and mini-golf courses. They don’t even go out. They literally just play and go back to the hotel, where they practice hockey. It’s not in the spirit of the league!

Oh…also, everyone else stopped watching wrestling 30 years ago. Grow up!

What’s Different: Unfortunately, the heart and soul of the team, Rachel Nabatz, won’t be heading down this summer. Did she honestly try to cash in Money in the Bank against the Shortis last season?

So, What’s To Like: Worky put a free agent on their team named Nate. Since he didn’t really have a choice, we’ll give the new guy a pass this season.

What does the league think of them?

“Barch is one concussion away from being out of the league” – OP James

“Glnzr always picks the best runner ups. Heard ROY 2014 snubby Nick Barretta is in town this weekend” – Brooklyn Clique

“Dani isn’t even that good at hockey so she had to make her own pro league, and still couldn’t make a roster spot” – Shelly P

“This team is so bad a Rainbow had to score their Division B clincher in 2017.” – Jess(ica) D

“Fresh Kills aren’t even that good this year. Adding Gabe was a desperation move two years too late.” – Jeff (but probably Jules)

TASTE THE SE(A)MEN
Mermaid Seamen Gear Up For OC
by Ivana Kutnutzov

History has brought us a select number of classic love affairs.  Pairings so perfect, you know that destiny has brought two unstoppable forces together.

Hockey and Beach.  OC hangovers and Wawa.  Peanut butter and dog tongues.  Mermaids and Seamen.

Yes, some of the greatest pairings of all time start with a simple kiss on the beach and turn into a hockey tournament.  Yet others are wild tumbles under water that are deeper, wetter, and end with someone decomposing in their lover’s arms.

Thus the Mermaid Seamen.  A union that is born of the paradox that se(a)men can only swim in fallopian tubes and but will still die trying.

Just as a mermaid has the better of an underwater relationship, the ladies are the backbone of the Mermaid Seamen.  Their combined street hockey resumes are staggering starting with the most OG beach hockey person around, Haanwa C, who helped lead the first landing party to OC a decade ago.  There’s also Filthy’s Captain, Danielle H, mixed with a power collection of Lady Anklebiters that you most likely want to cover on the courts and avoid late night at the beach.  No one embodies this sentiment more than Caroline M-B, who is joined by BTSH teammates Amy D (three-time lady’s arm wrestling champ…and, yeah, all those painted banners), Carrie R (former ROY), Sarah M (say that last name), and Coco (consistently and quietly one of the best ladies in BTSH, respect).

On the men’s side there’s the man who made this all possible, Worky J McParty.  He’s joined by some old blood and some new.  First, the new.  Andy M from the Rehabs – a rookie developing the reputation as a ‘bar guy’ while also playing well enough to not get thrown off the Habs…yet.  He’s joined by a pair of Rainbows Bryan L (the all-star game MVP with a hat trick) and Karl S (quickly earning the reputation as a ‘team first’ guy at the core of the new wave Rainbows, now taking BTSH by storm).

As for the old guard there’s Gut Rot’s intrepid Tommy C and the Seamen’s secret weapon (the sober goalie) Jamie B of Gremlins fame.  Add in a bunch of Anklebiter dudes and you’ve got yourself a squad: the aforementioned Worky McParty, league poster boy Ben P (scores goals, throws parties), Nicky G (the silent Italian), Chris B (hands, wheels and smiles), and Phil D (of Olympic party fame, 13 years as Anklebiter captain).

Be careful on and off the courts (particularly with Caroline)…you may just have to swallow the se(a)men.

Twin Dekes

Current status: beach’n.

Sandy Cheeks
by C. Weaver

Sandy Cheeks?  Who the hell are the Sandy Cheeks?  Since most of this team has never been to Ocean City, or even played in BTSH, it’s anyone’s guess where the ceiling lies.  The majority of the squad has earned their stripes with the Black Squirrels in Moffo, winning the most recent summer title.  They are a very fast and defensively responsible unit, none more so than defensemen Eben Novy-Williams, though multiple sources report that he, quote: “would rather lose early and drink late.”  Campbell is in net, one year removed from a 0 win, but also 0 pukes-in-helmet Ocean City appearance.  He’s the only Weaver on this squad, though there are two other sibling pairs.  Recent additions of two Dark Rainbows, Tia and Cat, round out a very strong female core, which also draws on talent outside the NYC ball hockey orbit.  Finally there’s Stu Tisdale, one of the few returning OCMD talents on the squad.  There’s little sense in trying to predict Stu’s weekend, but there’s no doubt he’ll make the highlight reel, most likely off the court.  All this adds up to a dark horse team with a penchant for boozing and beaching and an inexplicable affinity for Squirrels.

Thin Mints
by Roberts and Klion

It’s a slightly new look Thin Mints since the team’s inaugural OCMD tournament last year. Same logo, now with sleeves – though Morgen promptly removed those and the shirt is already a crop top, quite the feat considering all of the shirts are still in Emily and Roberts’ room. We’ve made a vow to not party at an 11 like we did last year; it will instead be a highly structured 9.3 partying level.

We wrote a dope ass preview last year, though a bit long for Rockoff. So in honor (on my honor?) of our favorite player/agent who we will dearly miss this year, let’s keep this short** with a few bullet points consistently of statements and questions.

**This is only short compared to Frey’s previews, and there won’t be any betting lines. Sorry. There may be a poll though…

• How will the Thints Ladies fair in the joined Drunk Machine/Thin Mints house? After a close opening battle last year, portions of the Thints and Drunk Machine are bunking under one roof in what will likely result in the highest combined BAC in OCMD. How will this affect performance? Softball question. This house will be rad with the Hockey and Beach divisions joining forces to crush copious amounts of beverages before handling business on the court. Also #DrunkMints https://youtu.be/Iy9eP2pJKZs

• Does a 9.3 partying level mean pre-game shotguns are still a thing? Hoooo boys and girls does it ever! 9.3 simply means the only white medicine will be the additional Salt Boyzzzz pre-game ritual. We have both Facebook and Google calendar invites for optimally scheduled pre-game shotguns.

• Will Cronauer replicate the chicken nuggets photo from 2017? The week at CROcean city started Monday. It’s a high energy crew heading down to party hard. Two scoops, two terms, two photos? Here’s to hoping for two of those three.

• Who will drop the gloves with official goon of OCMD Mr. Kazin?  A matchup against Cecil[e] Harambe awaits the Thints first. With feared winger Becca “Enforcer” Cohen out of the line up, the scouts will need new blood engaging in fistcuffs. Co-captain Roberts has agreed to step up, meet Eli in the center (aka right down the middle) and drop the gloves. This will happen at the FOOOOOUR minute mark, where they will high five, yell FUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZ, and promptly resume playing hockey.
• Speaking of Cecil[e] Harambe… the treasonous one is on that roster, yet still in the Thints Facebook group. WTF?! Curious, but we don’t hold grudges. We will, however, take a page from the Rich Glanzer troll book and kick Ball Hogg (#SomeonesROTY) out of the group for approximately 90 minutes on Saturday, then welcome him back with cookies and open arms. Chocolate milk not included.

• Michael and Emily want to know: is a hot dog a sandwich? Crap, wrong thread. Sry!!

• What else will Frey steal in OCMD? Tomatoes? Really?! Well hey now… the possibilities are endless. Probably hearts, dignity, and balls, in that order.

• Why did Rockoff say the preview was so long last year? Ohhhh, right. Gonna end this now