Drunk Machine
by Schumes & Dummy 

The members of team Drunk Machine recognize that they are all distractingly attractive, and do anticipate that you may wish to purchase them a beverage. Such gestures being a common means of demonstrating one’s admiration. To ensure a positive experience for all parties, we, the undersigned, have provided a handy list of our favorite libations. Cheers.

Hilary’s Boyfriend with the good hair – Guinness topped with lawn clippings
Hil-Larry – Aperol hold the Spritz
Dr. double K- Bud Light Lime with cranberry
Nicy “Balls Deep” – Anything you can drink while crying
JoJo – Canadian Club
Shotgun Charlotte – The salty tears of her enemies
Mikey “I Play”-  Pimms groin Cup
Jon C – Beer bottles. The bottles. To chew.
The Big Dicky – Re-hydrated ink from the Declaration of Independence
C Hughes – Rose with 3 ice cubes
J “better get card him twice” McQuade – Kaluha after 5pm
Matty R – 40oz, duct-taped to his left hand
B Hiker – Potato juice (NOT vodka)
Nico – Warm whiskey from a butt flask
Patty Lee – All umbrella drinks
Schumes – Hot maple syrup

Friends Mountain 
(Written by Rob W)

It’s a downhill climb all the way to the bottom……

It all started with Instant Shwarma…..then Kum & Go……and then the vaunted Jesus Penus.  Friends Mountain is our latest OC installment.  Like bad pennies that keep turning up, many of our fellow Mountaineers are coming back from the past because they love (spoiler alert) losing in the semi-finals.

In order to capture the true essence of Hockey Beach and Friends Mountain, we placed a recording device in Walsh’s car heading down to OC.  Here is the entire conversation:

From Rob’s 2002 Chevy Trailblazer (yeah his car is older than that kid on Drunk Machine from two years ago) with Rob, Sam and Nick Baretta.

Sam: Hey Rob, do you mind if I crack open a beer for the car ride down?

Rob: Sam, it’s 10 in the morning. I’m surprised you have not clocked in already, but yeah sure.

Nick: Can you guys keep it down? I’m trying to hear my own farts back here and you are both very distracting. I’m not used to leather seats and the reverb is amazing.

Rob: That’s fine, but that means that Sam can’t smoke in the car.

Sam: Fine. So what do you think of our team this year, Rob?

Rob: I actually like our chances. Chances of what I have no idea, but I like them. I mean this is a team whose heart is only matched by its liver. And one of those or both will be left on the court…..or on the dance floor at Seacrets. Not sure which goes where yet.

Sam: Yeah – I totally agree. I mean we have a few “seacret” weapons. No one knows Marcella’s husband Rob, but the dude is Canadian so he has to be like Gabe, right?

Rob: Definitely. And we also have that mystery guy Glenn from Long Island. No one knows him either, but then again he does not own a hockey stick so that could be a bad sign.  Plus, luckily the creatures lurking around Friends Mountain killed many of our previous years’ deserting teammates.

Nick: I think our biggest obstacle is Sarah V stealing her parents’ car to drive down. If they find out, she will be grounded and then we would lose her and Ramy because he would be grounded too.

Sam: That’s a real issue. But I think we more than compensate for their potential loss with our other additions. I mean the Herr sisters……we’ll be unstoppable! Especially with Sarah’s (I’m not Cheeky) bionic hip.

Rob: But do you think Sarah will be able to get through the metal detector at Seacrets with that hip?

Sam: That’s a good point. That could be a problem.

Nick: What about Chadwick? I’m glad he is returning, but he makes me feel dumb as a person.

Rob: True. But he also makes me feel like I am good at hockey.

Nick: Can you imagine if Ben’s hockey skills matched his intelligence?

Sam: Yeah – it would be like having Gabe and Ariel wrapped into a single giant being with a 7 foot wing span.

Nick: Totally agree, but what is the real reason Walker bailed on this team though? I mean without him we are missing out on snarky commentary, personal tracking of +/-, things forgotten from the night before and overall edgy attitude. Although I was speaking with some of the millennials coming down and they seem much happier without his presence.

Rob: I heard he met a girl in Indonesia.

Sam: I heard he OD’d on pizza.

Nick: I heard he got stuck in Escape the Room and never made it out. Even though the rest of his team did. Weird. Let’s stop talking about Walker. He feeds off of this stuff. Like if this convo ever made it into a preview he would be so friggin’ happy.

Rob: Wow….we just crossed the Maryland border! I can’t believe this trip went by so quickly and that Sam drank 17 beers and has not peed once. Ok guys…..what are your predictions about this weekend?

Sam: My #1 prediction is that Cecil(e) and Harambe finally spell their team name correctly. I heard they purchased some spellcheck device and hired a bunch of proofreaders.

Nick: Agree on that one. They have shored up their team spelling over the past year. I predict there will be another impressive performance by that Lime Walker band.

Rob: Stop saying Walker. I have to admit that they were amazing last year. Jamie B on the electric ukulele was spot on and who can top Tia’s kazoo saxophone? My prediction is that Friends Mountain will have the hottest shirts around. Everyone will want one. I mean who does not want a logo with Eli’s head rolling down a mountain side?

 

Sam: One last prediction – this Friends Mountain team strikes the perfect balance of skill and fun which means we are destined for another semifinals loss and can be drunk just in time for the “B” finals. And that is the true essence of Hockey Beach and Friends Mountain!  Also, I’m glad those fucking Friends Mountain creatures lurking about on the mountain have picked off those damn deserters.

Rob and Nick: Amen to that!

Hockey Balboa

Current status: drunk.

Inflatable Tyrannosaurus Erections (T-Rextions)
Written by Lee

Long extinct are the dinosaurs, but they live on through childhood imaginations, Hollywood cinema and the phallic fantasies of a drinking team that occasionally plays hockey.  The Inflatable T-Rextions play with a spirit as large as their prehistoric namesake and bring the party on and off the rink.  If you’re looking to join this cult of personality, here are some things the T-Rextions enjoy:

• The Beach (particularly with inflatables, though not always erections)
• Crab Bloody Marys and Grapefruit Crushes from the Crabcake Factory
• Fishing with the Happy Hooker (not as happy as Lee) where we catch crabs (get your mind out of the gutter), tiny fish and birds
• Heckling, which will be done at all hours of the day, at any location and at all people, though mostly at the Shortis when they go to bed early
• Drinking!  We do it at the beach, on the court, in the room, from a camelbak and in your face.

Fueling the above enjoyment (other than alcohol) will be a hockey+beach wedding of our own, when Eric and Ashley get hitched in a few weeks.  Also, Suz is going to be feeling the pain on Monday, not just from her hangover but from her 40th birthday!

Here are some things these air-filled dinosaur phaluses don’t like:

• Scoring (goals…we’re plenty good at the other scoring)
• Dicks, both people who showcase the personality trait and, for most ladies on the team, the appendage

While this squad might not dominate you on the court, they will surely capture the true spirit of Ocean City, which is clearly waking up still drunk, covered in garbage and human filth.  If we were guests at the wedding of Hockey and Beach, we would be the friend who drinks too much, misses the ceremony, but then re-appears during the party to lead the conga line.  We have the most fun, #sexpositive.

The Shortis
by Greg

Is this the year the Shortis are finally toppled? Comparisons with the 1983-84 Drive for Five Islanders seem unavoidable…superstars Brassard, Laniado and Martens (Bossy, Trottier, Potvin), supported by a solid cast of wily vets and joined by fresh young superstars-to-be Shelly, Carlin, Sean (Lafontaine, Flatley, Tonelli). Is there a squad of ’84 Oilers on the come up, ready to knock off da champs? Survey says…maybe?

Did Shortis officially jump the shark when their Championship photo was make-out bombed by BTSH power couple and then-to-be young parents Diana and Creamy? Will the absence of the squad’s very own Bobby Nystrom (Dan Hopper) be deeply felt?

At the end of the day, as long as there is some creative swag, a Box O’ Joe and myriad bagels waiting for us all at the registration desk, who really cares? The most wonderful weekend of the year is finally upon us, strap on your bibs, and gets to crabbin’!