by Richiehero

Ocean City is right around the corner and for the teams with no curfew (every team but the Shortis), it can be a harrowing experience.  So when things are at it’s scariest and you’re shaking in the fetal position crying, revert to these bulletpoints for some guidance.

The Don’ts

• Don’t hook up at OC! Just don’t. If you do, your fling will turn into your significant other and your gf will be posting crappy polls every Friday on Facebook, but at least that’s better than what you’re boyfriend will be doing. Shaving. Live. On Facebook. Multiple times.
• Don’t pee in bushes. God made bathrooms for a reason and whenever you pee in a bush in OC, you get some really bad advice.
• Don’t go in Worky’s “Party Van.” Besides the fact that I’m sure there aren’t enough seatbelts and it has to be a fire hazard, I’m pretty sure 42% of all van goers end up sleeping on a rando’s lawn with Caroline swearing this is Poutine’s house.
• Post a “on the way to Ocean City” trip after 6 p.m. on Friday. Julie will have 54 likes, and 3 angry emoticons and you’ll end up with 5 likes and 2 sads bc anyone who is anyone will already be at Ocean City by then and not by their phone.
• Don’t go to Crabfest with Julie! Sweet, loveable, innocent Julie. Just look at her smile! Well she’s competitive as fuck at Crabfest, and one wrong move and you’ll have that miniature mallet laced across your eye.
• Don’t room with Cro. This doesn’t need an explanation.
• Don’t get a hotel at the Seahawk. Suz murdered a dog, the other vacationers hate us, the owners call the police on us and deservedly so. We’re savages.

• Don’t go “Go-Karting” with Sam Norris. It’s not go-karting it’s high speed bumper cars. Invariably some unsuspecting 35-year-old dad foolishly will bring his 4-year-old daughter into a car on the same track and for three minutes six BTSHers will try to murder each other while not trying all that hard to evade him and his daughter.
• Don’t pee in the water at Seacrets before 1:44 a.m. They will throw you out and you’ll be stuck outside while the rest of the league has fun.

But don’t fret.  Hockey Beach, OC is a wonderful time.  Here are a the things you should Do.

• Workout at the world famous Cayman Suite Hotel gym. They have two dumbells, one at 20 pounds the other at 15. They have a stationary bike from 1974 that I’m pretty sure Hicks made cry by calling it beta for 2 drunken hours in 2016.

• Pee in the water at Seacrets after 1:44 a.m. It’s a perfect plan. You pee, six nice guys in either orange or yellow security shirts will escort you out…there will be a mass exodus of the bar anyways, and as soon as they turn around you come back in. Hero.
• Give an angry emoticon when Julie posts her on the way to Ocean City photo. No one likes Oliver and there’s a better than 90% he’ll be in the photo.

• Wear the glowsticks that Worky gives on the beach on Friday night at midnight. It’s really really dark and if you’re not wearing one, someone may think you are Charlotte, give you a friendly hipcheck, knock you on your ass and then have it be really awkward when you’re not actually Charlotte and  this guy you’ve never spoken to in 10 years just knocked you on your ass. #Youtoo
• Put your phones away at dinner. Enjoy the company of your teammates.
• Make fun of the new chick on the Rainbows (Jessica). She’s not going to OC and deserves to be mocked. No offense.
• Stay for the championship games. Yeah you could get on the road an hour or two earlier, but the year the Shortis won their 6th straight championship, Craig stole the show by stripping and stealing the fake Stanley Cup. We booed Rubens and all was right in the world. The two teams playing didn’t have half the fun that we did. Especially the Shortis opposition.
• Lastly, in the words of my good friend Harambe, “Don’t shoot me you four-year-old little prick.”