Inflatable T-Rextions

By Wes

Inflatables and hockey — why not? While a normal hockey team might focus on discipline and (gasp) inflatable-free mobility, the Inflatable T-Rextions will charm you with their complete disregard for both, instead embracing the questionable decision that led a group of 30- and 40-something-year-olds to don blow-up children’s toys and abandon any sense of responsibility.  And while we’re at it: sobriety, hygiene, and public decency, too.

Embracing their prehistoric namesake, this group of slack-jawed troglodytes will likely revel their descent into loud banter, witty rejoinders and clever heckling. You should watch out. Gone are the days where a team will win “on the scoreboard”; we’ve already won. We’re in your head.

So, come game-time you’ll be reduced to a whimpering mess as you endure our continual verbal onslaught while simultaneously facing the challenge of side-stepping un-coordinated drunken masses of human flesh and pools of vomit. There is no path to victory here, friend.

As noted by veteran burn-out, Lee, these air-filled dinosaur phaluses don’t care for scoring (goals…we’re plenty good at the other scoring) or dicks (both people who showcase the personality trait and, for most ladies on the team, the appendage), but we do care “for each other”. And isn’t that really what it’s all about?

TWIN DEKES

By Tracy Deke

Speak, Ocean City,

Of the cunning heroes,

The Twin Dekes, blown off course time and again,

After they plundered Seacrets’ sacred heights.

Speak, of all the atrocities they saw,

The suffering deep in their hearts at Seacrets,

As they struggled to survive and bring home the cup.

But Jenn could not save them, hard as she tried,

And Justin—destroyed by his own recklessness—bought their shirts at Sunsations five minutes before game time,

After they ate the crabs of the Crab Bag (except for the Jews, who went to a burger place)

And the Shortis snuffed out their day of return.

Of these things,

Speak, Ocean City,

And tell the tale once more in our time.

By now, all the others who had fought at Northside Park—

At least those who weren’t hit in the face by Gabe—

Were safely back home and not at three different urgent cares until they found the one that is open on Sunday (it was very nice, actually). Only the Twin Dekes

Still longed for the cup and yearned to possess it.

ONE DICK, FUCK THAT.

TWO DICKS, FUCK YES.

TWIN DEKES!

Mermaid Seamen

SE(A)MEN SET TO FLOOD OCCayman Suites Prepares For Worst by Hugh G Rection Keep the black lights home boys and girls, the Seamen are ready to stain your sheets this coming weekend in Ocean City, MD. Yes, this year the Mermaid Seamen are set to return to the Hockey Beach tournament with a veteran core mixed with some new blood making their OC debuts. “Having the young Seamen come down and burst their OC cherry makes it feel like my first time too,” said tournament organizer Worky McParty.  “I can remember the rush of excitement, crab juices dripping down my chin, sand mixed with sweat…and before you know it, it all ends too soon…even though you try to slow down by thinking about Rich Glazer riding a stallion topless through a field of daisies…” The new Seamen come from a variety of teams and have much to offer.  Power couple Diana M and Creamy are leaving baby Oscar at home with a bowl of food and an iPad for the weekend while making their first appearances as Seamen.  Joining them are the Rainbow’s Brett H (who has shared many BTSH hosting gigs with Diana), and the dynamic Kat C.  Coming in from Gut Rot is the ‘super good dude’ Akhil M while the Anklebiter’s all-time shot block leader Nick G rounds out the first-timers.   “SO MUCH FRESH MEAT TO HAZE,” said vet Caroline M-B from the Anklebiters. “I’VE GOT A VODKA-FILLED FLABONGO WITH THEIR NAMES ON IT.  YOU KNOW I FINISHED ONE OF THOSE AT OC ONE YEAR AND WOUND UP IN THE WRONG HOUSE, PASSED OUT NEXT TO AN ELDERLY COUPLE ON THEIR ANNIVERSARY.  THEY THOUGHT I WAS THEIR SURPRISE ENTERTAINMENT, SO IT ALL WORKED OUT FOR EVERYONE.” The Seamen return Caroline, as well as her potent Anklebiter teammate, Sarah M.  Also back from the ‘Biters are should-be-BTSH-hall-of-famers, Coco & McParty (add the absent Amy D to that list), as well as BTSH All-American, Probie.  Wrapping up the ‘Biter portion of the roster is Andy M, who was poached from the Rehabs one year ago at this very tournament.   “Andy tasted some Seamen last year and just couldn’t turn us down after that,” said Probie of Andy’s move to the Anklebiters.  (exhales on knuckles and rubs chest) “He won’t be the last.” Also returning for the Seamen is master-recruiter Bryan L of the Dark Rainbows, who brought Akhil and Brett on board this year.  And last but not least is the Seamen’s original power couple, Danielle H and goalie Jamie B.  While Danielle is always a threat, Jamie is the Seamen’s secret weapon – the sober goalie.   “I’m just glad we’re on the same team for this tournament,” said Jamie of playing with Danielle.  “She spends enough time in my crease as it is.” The Seamen look ahead to OC this weekend and the glory that will be theirs.

Cecil Harambe

By Stone Cold & The Rock

“I went to Ocean City and all I got was put on a team with Rich Glanzer.” -Jessie

After years of organized recruitment, importing QMJHL players, and creating awkward photos of Gabe’s wedding, this year Cecil Harambe took a different approach. For a while they didn’t recruit anyone and seemed ready to play the entire tournament 3 on 5 since every girl on the team ran away at the thought of playing with Rich again. Luckily Rox is nice/Soko blackmailed her, Jessie doesn’t know Richie, and Charlotte realizes that she is very much needed to avoid another fajita fiasco. So we have 3 women. Not fooooourrrr, but three.

Cecil Harambe returns two of the three stupid idiots, Hicks, Ariel, and Soko, so basically all their guys with 0 skill from last year and none of the good ones. This team is capital B A D, bad. Let’s just hope they score a goal so they can woo. Otherwise Hicks is gonna be pissed he wasted a day driving down for no woos.

Drunk Machine

By Jess

Drunk Machine rose from the depths of the beach division and is now in the (and i say this lightly) “elite” hockey division. Will they show up? Like, really, will they make it back from drinking and digging the hole in time for games?

Drunk Machine is the lovable underdog and I say that as someone who has never played with them or gone to OC so what the fuck do I know! In case if you needed more reasons, here’s what the totally non-biased hockey streets are saying about why you should root for Drunk Machine this beach hockey szn.

“They shouldn’t.”

“I can’t believe any of these other teams even agreed to show up”

“I’m so confident in the Machines that if we don’t bring home the gold I’ll give up Truly’s forever”

“1. We’re amazing at hockey. 2. We’re really, really, ridiculously good looking. 3. We dig better holes than the other teams. 4. We’re incredibly humble.”

And there you have it folks. Go Drunk Machine or go home.

Les Crabitants

Coming in with at a combined age of 500 and hoping to play in the Fun division, but relegated to the Hockey division, we have the wily veteran squad Les Crabitants. Full of something (wisdom?) like Marjory the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock, this patchwork amalgamation hopes for one last kick at glory with the help of the infusion of a secret BTSH-alum weapon driving in  on Friday from parts unknown (The Midwest). 
Les Crabs, as they are affectionately (?) known, bring a certain Je Ne Sais Quoi to these late summer proceedings; as well as eye protection, bags of limes,  SPF30 and a general consensus that ‘Greetings from Asbury Park’ is the greatest of all Springsteen records. 

Magic 8 Balls

How do you even write a preview about your own team?  Like am I supposed to praise every player on the roster or just make fun of their alcohol tolerance and sexual proclivities?  I have no idea but I also know no one else on this team is writing a preview on this squad so fuck it, this is what we’ve got.

So who’s on this team?  We’ve got “Hot Kyle” of the Rehabs and the lax bro scene making his first trip down to OC and Zisser playing forward despite the fact that his cardio has been ruined by years of recreational drug use and unprotected sex. 

Magic 8 Ball, will Zisser puke on the bench for the 2nd year in a row and will Hilary step in it like she did last year (even though she wasn’t even on his team)? 
…all signs point to yes

Derek and Seb may have declined to stay in the house because if Seb is going to wake up in a puddle of vomit 10 minutes before game time, he’d like to do it in the privacy of his own hotel room, but they will be crucial to the team’s success.  Or lack thereof, if Seb’s no-show to the Olympics because he got lost on the way is any indication of what’s to come this weekend.  Yetter’s staying with his Rainbows brethren but is playing with the 8 Balls because he’s hoping to actually win some games this weekend.  Joel of Top Shelf / D5 fame is making his OC debut while Alex looks to keep it sexy on defense instead of losing his wallet at seacrets ala 2017 or vomiting at a public pool like last year.

The teams contingent of ladies are probably the best female unit in the tournament. Sure, multiple squads are fielding teams with only three women but it’s always ladies night here at the 8 Balls house (what can I say – women love free cocaine). Cherie, Caitlin and Micayla will score goals and bring that LBS winning spirit to the offense (Cherie played with us for half a year once so it counts) while Hill, Meg and Sammi shut down anyone that steps in the offensive zone with the same fervor that Cro gets shut down with on a daily basis.  With strong contributions throughout the lineup, a roster featuring almost the same number of men as women (#feminism) and a wildcard goalie who weighs 250 pounds, this is a sleek, sexy team that you should definitely root for, especially if you want to possibly see someone throw up in the inflatable trophy. Can they win? Will they be worn down from having multiple team member in OC since Wednesday? Will all of them make it back to New York with vital organs and dignity intact? Ask again later.

Shortis

NHL 94 The Shortis: The OC.

NHL 94. The best sports game ever played. Or apparently it was, I was too young to play it when it hit Sega Dreamcast or whatever console it was made for. Before this turns into a new school / old school Shortis related preview, let me get back to NHL 94. Actually, no one ever likes it when people write about hockey on our hockey website, so instead of comparing Jeff to Mario Lemieux and Julie to Pat Lafontaine, and Tim K to Patrick Roy for leaving after a quick convo with the team president behind the bench, we’ll take a trip down to the OC: The Shortis 2019 adventure.

Rumour has it that this Shortis roster is a little different than Seasons’ past. It’s basically season 4 of The (Shortis) OC adventures if you will. We’ve dug deep to find a supporting cast this year.

Les forwards at attaques

Kevin Volchuk: The centre of everything that is wrong with the OC (HockeyBeach), Kevin will not be making any friends with his conduct on the court or lackthereof off of it this year. Like every other season on the show. Enter captain Jeff. Look for the fishbowl and mean muggin.

Taylor Townsend: with the ability to make a late appearance and the ability to make a hated character (Volchuk) loved, Alexa makes a last minute trip to OC but is only able to join us in the timekeepers bench.

Kirsten Cohen: the cool mom and rich but not spoiled businesswoman on the squad is captain Julie.

Sandy Cohen: the astute (french)man marrying into the wealthy (caps bar) family, Olivier returns for another Shortis adventure.

Jimmy Cooper: left broken after years of pain (at sea isle) stealing money and in (feasterville) paying shady debts, Liam rejoins family Sandy and Kirsten in the OC to put that past behind him on the team’s adept second line. Much like his character, as the Shortis go on more adventures his appearances on the show lessens due to his lack of compatibility for the storyline (the tournaments and the type of hockey played on the court), but he’s always looking after daughter Marissa (his BTSH co captain), making sure she stays away from the Oliver Trask’s and Jess Sathers’ of the OC (ball hockey world).

Hailey Nichol: some unknown rocket of a ringer that Julie is going to add to the roster at the 11th hour as our fourth lady…TBD as Hailey Nichol AC is a GTD!!!!

Seth Cohen: the quirky guy with a jew-fro and almost as smart as he looks. Enter Gill Ween fresh off 4 years of being snubbed in high school by the popular girl (Summer Roberts) for these cool kid events, transforming into apparent socially upscaled personality doppleganger Zach Stevens in time for the big dance on the rink.

DJ: seemingly always by the pool (beach) and in no (or very tight) clothing, Florian makes his Shortis tournament debut courtesy of an invite from old mentor Caleb Nichol.

Chili: Some random surfer boy (mountain man) friend of Marissa Cooper’s, that no one remembers was on the show (that played in OC last year with a different team), Lambo decides to hit the beach with his surf board (and set free free hermit crabs on the Maryland beaches) for another adventure with old friend Seth Cohen who isn’t the same without him at public school (the LIC city ice rink).

Comment dit-on Defense en francais?

Caleb Nichol: with his money to finance the sexiest of boat parties and an attitude and maturity beyond his gray hairs that says he’s been here before, enter Bar Down Brad ready to mold his younger defensive corps into championship defense form.

Dean Hess: with a smile so punchable that screams (FUZZ!!!) prep school boy, and while not having his unnamed early admittance law school boys extras (Miles) to tag along for the ride, (boy) Ryan decides to skip his first Shortis trip down to OC.

Che: coming on the scene virtually out of nowhere, (Canadian) hipster McCauley brings his ball hockey exploits down to OC for his first tournament with Shortis thanks to getting his (BTSH) in(vite) from Ryan Atwood… and Sandy Cohen from their days out on the (Long) Island (town of Ronkonkoma).

Luke Ward: now an outcast in Portland (on the west coast), some say he might be friends on the DL with Seth Cohen… Dan Ball Hopper is not expected to be in OC this weekend.

Julie Cooper: shallow, materialistic, self centred but deep down very complex, Tiff decides to not make the trip down to OC and lay low out of town at her beach house in Cabo (Sea Girt).

Young Sandy Cohen: Not for the faint of heart with flashbacks, Ryan Atwood is after the unattainable good old days back in Chino (Ottawa), bringing down cousin A-Aron from St Catherines, to play Sandy Cohen’s rightful BTSH position on defense, speaking almost as good of French as the more mature form. 

Summer Roberts: always ending up out shining Marissa over the length of the series (tournaments), with her pretty looks, charisma, and keeping Marissa out of trouble, Becky is back for another trip to OC with the Shortis.

Marissa Cooper: the girl with the cute face that always has life seemingly take a wrong turn…with her parents being the richest family on the block she’s only gotten as far as daddy’s paycheques have allowed her to…no one is ever sure if she is really dating Ryan Atwood…World and North American champion Lauren aka LJ is making her OC Shortis debut.

Les Gardiens Des But(t)s

Ryan Atwood: coming in from Chino (Ottawa), always on the move and out for blood, getting into fights (allegedly), and for some reason always thinking the show revolves around him even though he has no depth as a character/person(ality), Hoggystyle is making another OC defection, this time as a starting goalie for the Shortis.

Trey Atwood: Tim K. Ouch. Don’t play any phone “tag” this week guy. Tim K is out for this tournament, making it the first time since OG James played in OC that someone other than the Kat man is in net for the Shortis.

And there you have it! That’s the lineup for this year. I’ve only insulted the 15 people mentioned in the article and the other 15 people reading by insulting their intelligence (of expecting them to get references from this mid 2000 dud of a mid-eve 4 season drama/soap opera). We’ll see you at Faeger’s on Thursday, the beach on Friday, Crab Bag and tiki’ing that evening, then Volchuk finally shows up with Taylor Townsend and Hailey Nichol on the Saturday morning to referee some Beach Division games, and then Seacrets on Saturday with the 8 of us who will live up to this preview. Oh and the hockey on Sunday, we’ll be there too.