The Hookers Need To Do Stuff Like This More Often

 

On Sunday evening, the media had the distinct honor and pleasure to present their second annual Media Awards to some of BTSH’s outstanding players. The winners are listed below: 

BTSH Regular Season Scoring Champion
Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta (Cobra Kai)

Most Exciting Player
Matthew “Minkus” Spedelari “Hollywood” Jeff Lesser (Fresh Kills)

Best Duo
John Nielsen & P.T. Walkley (Dark Rainbows)

Most Underrated Female
Gabby Carson (Denim Demons)

Most Underrated Male
Peter Wilson (Tuques)

The Stacy Kehoe Award For Toughness And Grace
Caroline Currie (Fresh Kills)

The Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman Award For Agitation and Instigation
Albert “Al” Huang (Corlears Hookers)

The Second Annual Bob Weyersberg Award For Outstanding Achievement In The Field Of Excellence
Bryan “Stork” Welch (Rehabs)

The Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award (Female)
Sarah Coombs (Mathematics)

The Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award (Male)
Rob “Mungo” Gorden (Mighty Squirrels)

The Lifetime Achievement Award
Seth Wachtell (LBS, Inc.)

All-Media Teams

In addition to the awards, as per tradition, here are the year end, BTSH All-Star teams, as selected by the media.

1st Team All-BTSH:
G: Trevor “White Jesus” Tyrrell (Dark Rainbows)
D: Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli (Rehabs)
D: Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka (Sky Fighters)
F: Michelle Doucet (What The Puck)
F: Mike “The X-Factor” Woodsworth (What The Puck)
F: Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta (Cobra Kai)

Despite an injury-plagued season, Tyrrell still gets the call in net, because no other goalie can alter the game the way he can.  Not a ton of surprises on the first team, otherwise, as the consensus top female (Danberg-Ficarelli) and best offensive award winners (Doucet and Woodsworth) all make the squad.  The league’s leading scorer (Bratta) boosts the offense even further, and Cejka was once again outstanding on both sides of the ball.

2nd Team All-BTSH:
G: Craig “Ug” LaCombe (Unicorns)
D: Laura MacNeil (Mathematics)
D: Matt Novick (Filthy Gorgeous)
F: Caroline Morrissey-Bickerton (Gouging Anklebiters)
F: Karsten Pichon (LBS, Inc.)
F: Jason Eitel (Corlears Hookers)

Ug was overlooked in the awards ceremony, but he still has a way of filling an entire goal, leaving minimal space for a shooter.  There is a slight possibility of nepotism on defense, but few women in BTSH can shut down an offense and direct their teammates as well as MacNeil can.  Novick may be the best pure defender in the league and also contributed ten goals in the regular season.  Morrissey-Bickerton likes to fly under the radar, but she remains a top threat.  Pichon and Eitel both finished in the top five in regular season goals, so their inclusion is well merited.

Checking Line:
G: Dan Owens (Filthy Gorgeous)
D: Gina Hackett (Rehabs)
D: Gary Kowalski (Mighty Squirrels)
F: Heidi “The Maple Leaf Muscle” Karst (Fresh Kills)
F: The Self-Proclaimed Cleanest Player In The Game, “The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin (LBS, Inc.)
F: Albert “Al” Huang (Corlears Hookers)

It’s tough to find a goalie to fill out this prestigious line, but Owens’s rough and tumble antics make him a perfect fit.  Hackett remains the only player in BTSH that Derek may be legitimately scared of, as he’s still recovering from their infamous scuffle in 2006.  Kowalski was a teddy bear for the early part of his hockey career, but since Rachel “A-Korn” Greene took control of the Squrrels, his intensity and intimidation have skyrocketed.  Karstmakes her second consecutive appearance on the BTSH checking line, as she once again led the league in hits and bloody noses induced.  We’re not sure why Poulin’s on here; he’s actually the (self-proclaimed) cleanest player in the game.  On the other hand, Al should definitely be on here, because he cheats (even though he wears glasses, and “dudes with glasses just don’t do that”).