The BTSH Media brings you the second 2018 installment of Know Your Neighbor, the longest ever to date, featuring Russell from the evil dojo, Cobra Kai!
“BigRuss” – Reason: I can do multiple push ups in a row. Used in a sentence: “BigRuss is awesome.”
“The Provider”- Reason: I provide for the people. Used in a sentence: “We want to thank The Provider for providing us with everything that was provided….”
Hometown: Northern Virginia. But people often say I’m from “the streets”
College: East Carolina, Go Pirates! Virginia Tech, Go Hokies!
Celebrity doppelgänger: Tom Brady. I often get told I look a lot like Tom Brady… that’s pretty much the only one I get through.
Pump up song: “Not Ready to Make Nice” by the Dixie Chicks… for you it’s about the Iraq war… for me it’s about Winning a BTSH championship.
How did you hear about BTSH: I founded the league… After all I am The Provider…
Favorite NHL team other than the Capitals: let’s just talk about Ovechkin for a minute… I ran some numbers and Ovi has 49% more goals the second leading goal scorer (Crosby) in the 13 years he has been in the league. For reference Gretzky was only 39% higher than the next guy in his first 13 seasons… who btw played against garbage defenses and goalies that looked like caterpillars that had never even heard of a butterfly…. Ovi is the greatest player of his generation. “Ovie is different than everybody in the league. I could find a lot of guys that are more similar to Sid. Ovie is one of a kind,” – Brooks Orpik. I also liked the Sharks when I was a little kid because I was born in the Bay Area… but who cares… go Caps!
Favorite BTSH team other than Cobra Kai: What The Puck
Are you on an Ocean City team yet this year? Yes. But If you make me an offer I’m totally willing to leave my team. I love drama. The Ocean City tournament is there for one reason and one reason only: DRAMA!
Favorite stand-up comedian? I don’t do favorites but here are some greats:
Bret Raybould: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYLJhjl2UeY&app=desktop
Louis C.K.: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ4EI0lKuqE&t=6s
Maria BamFord: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_KcNl9cBgw
Jordan Raybould: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlG-nmJLQ3s
If Noah cruised to Tompkins, what two BTSHers would you put on his Arc (excluding yourselves):
Any of the following:
The Commissioners: Cheeky and Brian Hicks (no, i’m not confusing her with her sister. I mean Cheeky)
Brian Cronauer and Amy Jones… the world needs balance people!
one of the several lesbian couples in our league… And oh so what if the human race goes extinct…people have had their time…
How did you find out about BTSH? I founded BTSH then years later I pretended like I didn’t know about it and let Will Green bring me on to Cobra Kai as a sleeper agent…
What do you do for work: I’m a CPA who works at a tech startup that helps companies automate their month-end close. If you work in accounting let me pitch my software to you and your company please… I also do work in the corners 😉
What are your true aspirations: Have the Washington Capitals be 2018 Stanley Cup Champions.
What are your favorite bars in the city: JoJo’s Philosophy, Clockwork, 169 Bar, Welcome to the Johnson’s, but really wherever JJ is.
The Rainbows beat the Riots. A week later, the Riots beat Cobra Kai. Will the Rainbows ever beat your team, leaving Olivier to curse in French? Yes, the Rainbows are coming up. And let me tell you something, The Rainbows have motherfucking Tia… While all you simple minded Donald Trump acting fools look for instant gratification, Tia does sustainable growth. Yeah, you or I may win this year and next, but at what cost? Because let me tell you something, the future belongs to Tia #TIA2020
Olivier? That guy is every hockey coach’s wet dream. A high skill and locker room guy who is responsible in every zone…. That Olive Tree is the best damn “hockey player” in this league… but at the same time I’m very much pro bullying him….what a little wussy fancy French boy “Oh I speak French… oh I’m Canadian… oh I’m Olivier…” Yeah, well Fuck you French boy! How about that!
If you had to pick going to another BTSH team, where would you take your talents? I would find a weak team with poor leadership (there are about 19 of them). I would then manipulate my way into power. Once I’m in full control I would proceed to create a super team full of athletes who i would train like Soviet Olympians…
What are your favorite hobbies (outside of BTSH, of course) in the city? Hanging out with The Cat! Which Cat? The AliCat!… I also enjoy playing ice hockey and doing stand up comedy.
If you were given only $50/week for food and booze in NYC, how would you pull it off? I would take Brian Cronauer’s mom out on a date….Here is a taste of how that night will go (Note: The following should be read with a southern drawl):
It was the dog days of summer, specifically a Friday evening when Brian’s mom, Ms. Cronauer, picked me up from my Lower East Side apartment for what would be our third evening together. I had the feeling she may have been outside when I heard the sound of the elevator door, but I nevertheless made her knock, as I’m old fashioned that way. Her eyes widened with delight when I answered the door:
“Russell, you are looking exceedingly handsome this evening.”
“Thank you, Ms. Cronauer. But I must tell you that I have been warned that you have a way with words, so don’t expect your flattery to go far with me.”
We both smiled and looked each other, almost as a way of acknowledging the fact that this was simply not true–as we were both well aware of the power her charm had over me.
“So Ms. Cronauer, where will you be taking me tonight?”
“Well, I have a real treat for you. I thought we would go to my personal favorite restaurant in the city, Fish Market.”
I gasp “But what if Brian catches us together?”
“Damnit Russell! I’m in love with you, and if it upsets that idiot Trump-supporting son of mine that his own mother is out on the town with the best player in BTSH, then hell, that’s on him. And frankly, he should be nothing but happy his mother found such a wonderful, smart, and handsome gentleman caller.”
“Ahh heck, Ms. Cronauer I guess you’re right. Fish Market it is.”
Is Wilson on the Caps a goon or POS? HOW DARE YOU! The guy plays within the rules. The problem is that he is 6’4” and built like a brick house. The NHL needs to address if hitting is going to be a part of the game going forward.
Current Aspirations: Manipulate, cause drama, rise to power.
What will the BTSH Media begin to overhype you about: The fact that I don’t score goals. I’m a possession player, bitch. I thrive on ball control and sustained offensive zone possession, you simple minded fucks. Yeah, goals are great… But do you know when you score? When your team has the fucking ball. “Omg! I’m Will Green! I’m Scotty K! I’m Zak Hogg! I’m Cherie!…. I score goals… aren’t I special?” NO! You SUCK! BigRuss is the greatest! And don’t you ever forget it!
If Cobra Kai made it to the BTSH Championship, what team would you want to play? Everyone. No Mercy. Sweep the leg. We want to and will destroy every one of you… After we win we play “Not Ready to Make Nice” by the Dixie Chicks.
I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down.