The theories are wild but the truth is wild…er.
By Cat, Slay and Steven
Cat: Welcome to the Karma Conspiracy Circle. In one corner of the circle we have Steve“the flow” Friedman, in another we have Slay “Sleh” Lehman, and in the final corner, me, all here to prophesy about the upcoming (yeah, we’re optimists) BTSH season, and theorize about why it hasn’t started…yet.
So, at first I thought Governor Cuomo was behind Coronavirus so that he could stop the trains and get the L train project done in time and become New York’s hero….but the only anagram I could find for “Andrew Cuomo” was Nude Coma Row, which has no connection to coronavirus so it just doesn’t add up… I chalk the obsession with the dashing gov to up to being a #CuomoSexual.
But, Slay, you had a sourdough starter going about this last time we zoomed. It’s quite a theory and I want to see it rise.
Slay: I know I have only been in the league part time for one season, but, this *whole virus* has Rich Glanzer’s name written all over it. I’m gonna let Steven “the flow” aka “the brick” pop this one in the proofing drawer.
Steven: Well… Karma, as we all know, was projected to win the PBR Cup. Along with the greatest core of returning players, Karma had new recruits with fire in their hearts and beer in their hands. There were even plans to incorporate a PC logo into the brand. Everything was coming up Karma! The reigning champs knew they didn’t stand a chance defending their title using traditional methods.
Cat: I mean, I’m not gonna lie… I have the Karma 2020 champion merch sitting in my apartment right now. Several league members have contacted me with pre-orders. The hype was very fucking real. So, what happened? Who killed our vibe?
Steven: Fresh Kills killed our goddamn vibe. They started a global pandemic to stop us! The facts do not lie… particularly relating to this Glanzer guy. If you read articles on this site he seems important, but for those who play he is plainly irrelevant. In an effort to finally contribute something to his team he started a health crisis to keep us from competing!
Cat: Now that you mention it–I have been social distancing from Glanzer for a while now–I see how he got the idea. So we’ve got the motive, hit us with the facts.
Steven: I mean, Rich Glanzer has eleven letters in his name. Suspiciously, there are the EXACT same number of letters in “Coronavirus”… Not enough proof for you? Remember “The Ronkonkoma Condos,” the storied D5 team Glanzer inspired? Yep, you guessed it, there are 19 letters in that team name….ever heard of COVID19?! Now it’s time to really hammer it home: Glanzer’s team was the most recent team that won the PBR Cup. Cup starts with C. He recently bought a Condo, also starts with C. You know what else starts with C? Coronavirus.
Now do you Ce(cile and Harambe) what I see!? I mean, yes, Coincidence also starts with a C, but I think it’s quite clear that that is the only coincidence here.
Slay: Couldn’t have put it better myself. I may be new to this rodeo, but I wasn’t born yesterday. It makes all the sense in the world considering the man is notorious for cutting things off. I mean look at exhibit A: His T-shirt sleeves. Wtf happened to his T-shirt sleeves?!
I’m starting to believe he’ll cut off anything to distract from how bad at hockey he actually is. He can’t help himself. Why should our bid for the PBR cup be any different? You two are the lawyers here, but to me, the verdict is clear. Unlike a busted pinata in Thompkins on a steamy summer’s day, this case is closed: Glanzer did Covid19. He cut off our season, just like he cuts off his sleeves. I wouldn’t be surprised if he takes a note from Mr. Exotic and tries to cut off Derek’s arm next.
I don’t think I am overstating things to say: this is the greatest injustice to our community since SUGAR glazed Pop’em Donuts won the SAVORY bracket of the BTSH Bodega Battle. Don’t get me started on Glanzer’s involvement in that one (can’t spell Glanzer without glaze- just saying).
Cat: Okay wow. This is compelling stuff. I mean, I don’t see any holes… Except, of course, for some grossly mischaracterized donut holes.
I thought I was onto something with the Cuomo thing but now I realize I was just grappling with my feelings for him. This Glanzer theory though…Now that you have laid it out for me, I feel like I am seeing in color for the first time. And frankly, I’m seeing red. That’s a problem for Glanzer ‘cause Karma will always get ya in the end.