Karma Conspiracy Circle: Who did the ārona
The theories are wild but the truth is wildā¦er.
By Cat, Slay and Steven
Cat: Welcome to the Karma Conspiracy Circle. In one corner of the circle we have Steveāthe flowā Friedman, in another we have Slay āSlehā Lehman, and in the final corner, me, all here to prophesy about the upcoming (yeah, weāre optimists) BTSH season, and theorize about why it hasnāt started…yet.
So, at first I thought Governor Cuomo was behind Coronavirus so that he could stop the trains and get the L train project done in time and become New Yorkās heroā¦.but the only anagram I could find for āAndrew Cuomoā was Nude Coma Row, which has no connection to coronavirus so it just doesnāt add upā¦ I chalk the obsession with the dashing gov to up to being a #CuomoSexual.
But, Slay, you had a sourdough starter going about this last time we zoomed. Itās quite a theory and I want to see it rise.
Slay: I know I have only been in the league part time for one season, but, this *whole virus* has Rich Glanzer’s name written all over it. Iām gonna let Steven āthe flowā aka āthe brickā pop this one in the proofing drawer.
Steven: Wellā¦ Karma, as we all know, was projected to win the PBR Cup. Along with the greatest core of returning players, Karma had new recruits with fire in their hearts and beer in their hands. There were even plans to incorporate a PC logo into the brand. Everything was coming up Karma! The reigning champs knew they didnāt stand a chance defending their title using traditional methods.
Cat: I mean, Iām not gonna lie… I have the Karma 2020 champion merch sitting in my apartment right now. Several league members have contacted me with pre-orders. The hype was very fucking real. So, what happened? Who killed our vibe?
Steven: Fresh Kills killed our goddamn vibe. They started a global pandemic to stop us! The facts do not lieā¦ particularly relating to this Glanzer guy. If you read articles on this site he seems important, but for those who play he is plainly irrelevant. In an effort to finally contribute something to his team he started a health crisis to keep us from competing!
Cat: Now that you mention it–I have been social distancing from Glanzer for a while now–I see how he got the idea. So weāve got the motive, hit us with the facts.
Steven: I mean, Rich Glanzer has eleven letters in his name. Suspiciously, there are the EXACT same number of letters in āCoronavirusā… Not enough proof for you? Remember āThe Ronkonkoma Condos,ā the storied D5 team Glanzer inspired? Yep, you guessed it, there are 19 letters in that team nameā¦.ever heard of COVID19?! Now itās time to really hammer it home: Glanzerās team was the most recent team that won the PBR Cup. Cup starts with C. He recently bought a Condo, also starts with C. You know what else starts with C? Coronavirus.
Now do you Ce(cile and Harambe) what I see!? I mean, yes, Coincidence also starts with a C, but I think itās quite clear that that is the only coincidence here.
Slay: Couldnāt have put it better myself. I may be new to this rodeo, but I wasnāt born yesterday. It makes all the sense in the world considering the man is notorious for cutting things off. I mean look at exhibit A: His T-shirt sleeves. Wtf happened to his T-shirt sleeves?!
I’m starting to believe heāll cut off anything to distract from how bad at hockey he actually is. He can’t help himself. Why should our bid for the PBR cup be any different? You two are the lawyers here, but to me, the verdict is clear. Unlike a busted pinata in Thompkins on a steamy summerās day, this case is closed: Glanzer did Covid19. He cut off our season, just like he cuts off his sleeves. I wouldnāt be surprised if he takes a note from Mr. Exotic and tries to cut off Derekās arm next.
I donāt think I am overstating things to say: this is the greatest injustice to our community since SUGAR glazed Popāem Donuts won the SAVORY bracket of the BTSH Bodega Battle. Donāt get me started on Glanzerās involvement in that one (canāt spell Glanzer without glaze- just saying).
Cat: Okay wow. This is compelling stuff. I mean, I donāt see any holes… Except, of course, for some grossly mischaracterized donut holes.
I thought I was onto something with the Cuomo thing but now I realize I was just grappling with my feelings for him. This Glanzer theory thoughā¦Now that you have laid it out for me, I feel like I am seeing in color for the first time. And frankly, Iām seeing red. Thatās a problem for Glanzer ācause Karma will always get ya in the end.