By Jane of the Jungle

As we all know, the end of August marks the holy matrimony of Hockey and Beach. This realization, combined with the fact I recently attended a rowdy bachelorette party, has inspired me to write a hypothetical piece exploring the question “what if the BTSH teams were attendees of a bachelorette party weekend?” Enjoy!

Anklebiters – Naturally, ever so naturally, Anklebiter is the one who planned this whole shindig. If you think organizing a weekend full of activities for a gaggle of drunk and opinionated party-goers is difficult…. well you are CORRECT. Nevertheless Anklebiter persisted. She somehow managed to lock in a bangin’ Airbnb with a pool (in the hippest neighborhood, no less), secure multiple dinner reservations for a group of 20+ girls, and hand paint (I said, HAND PAINT!) a pin-the-penis-on-the-groom banner. How does she manage to do it all? Like, seriously, how?

Fuzz – Fuzz is the one who wants to know who wants to work out with her in the morning? Does anyone want to hit a pre-brunch spin class? Go for a run? Maybe drop-in to a box? No? That’s fine she’ll just get a WOD in by herself. Afterwards, she’s INSUFFERABLE at brunch telling people how she PR’d her DL 1RM!!! Omg! On vacation no less! It’s fine though because no one else at the table knows what a WOD or a DL 1RM PR even is. They’ve all tuned her out. Eventually when she realizes no one is listening to her, she stops talking about her workout and focuses on the plate of eggs and bacon in front of her, because #gainz.

Gut Rot – Gut Rot is the one that is seemingly always tequila drunk. Tequila Sunrises in the morning, Margaritas in the evening, just straight up tequila shots all throughout the day. It’s impressive but kinda starting to concern the other party-goers. In addition to booze-hazing themselves and everyone around them, Gut Rot can also find you drugs. What do you need? Something to mellow you out? Rev you up? Make you dance? Whatever it is, Gut Rot somehow knows someone who can get you what you need. Me? I’ll be needing a few Xanax if I’m going to survive this weekend. Please and thank you.

Poutine Machine – Poutine is the one that the bride-to-be met while she was studying abroad. Yes, sure, the BTB only lived in Montreal for about 4 months and that was 10 years ago but it was like reeeeally impactful and life changing, ok? Poutine is like, really important to her and one of her besssst friends, despite the fact they haven’t actually seen each other in like, 7 years. Everyone was a little skeptical of this seemingly out-of-leftfield invite, but she wasted no time in charming everyone with her cute French-Canadian accent. Plus, Poutine kept icing people all weekend. Yeah, like Smirnoff ices. Tres bien!

What the Puck – WTP is the one with undeniably great hair. She’ll be quick to lend you her curling iron and recommend a new dry shampoo, but watch out! She might also STEAL YO MAN. Sometime last year WTP made out with Gut Rot’s then-boyfriend causing him to have a change of heart. You better believe that caused some DRA-MA between these long-time besties. Is that the reason Gut Rot has been in a tequila-fueled stupor all weekend? We may never know. What we do know is as long as WTP doesn’t bring up how sweet and cute her new boyfriend is, the group may be able to avoid a what? A girl fight.

Sky Fighters – Sky Fighter is the one who flirts with EVERYONE. Ohmigosh she is SUCH a flirt. She’s always got some hot new thang that she loves to brag about. But you know what? For all that flirting she can’t seem to hold down a special someone. That doesn’t seem to deter her though! All weekend she acts as the ringleader for all the other single ladies in the group. One night at the bar, just when Sky Fighter has charmed her way into a group of bachelors, Poutine swoops in and ices her! The bachelors find this hilarious and while Sky Fighter is mid-chug, Poutine dances away with the cutest guy. Doesn’t really bother Sky Fighter though, she’s already on to the next!

Demons – Demon is the one who wants to fight everyone after she drinks too much. Sober, she’s sweet as pie. One might even say, the sweetheart of the group. But once she’s had one too many she reveals her mean streak. One minute she’s shooting the shit, talking sports, laughing at your jokes, and then the next thing you know she’s in a blackout rage, threatening to punch you in the face and steal your dog! She wakes up the next morning, not remembering a thing she said to you and goes on to braid your hair and compliment your cute romper. Talk about whiplash!

Math – Math is the one who is pregnant. Yep, yep she’s knocked up. And what’s more, she’s still breastfeeding baby #1! But that doesn’t mean she can’t still have fun!! Math naturally falls into the role of “mom of the group”, and damn this group desperately needs some mothering. Sure, Math has to leave the club early to pump and dump while FaceTiming her infant, but while she’s back at the house she also bakes up some Totino’s Pizza Roles. Bless her. As the rest of the girls stumble back into the Airbnb, Math is there to greet them with a breast pump in one hand and late night snackies in the other. Omg everyone loves Maaaath! Math you are our queeeen!

Rehabs – Rehab is the one who likes to get a little drunk and kiss girls. This is because, well, Rehab is a lesbian. As the token lesbian of the group, all the other girls are verrrry curious. Their curiosity only grows as the alcohol intake increases. Rehab is cool as hell. She’s super smart and good at sports and goes to music festivals. Her Instagram is perfect. At the end of the night, flirty Sky Fighter’s curiosity gets the best of her and she is seen sneaking off with Rehab. I think they’re headed to the pool for a skinny dip. Oh behave!

Hookers – Hooker is the bride’s weird cousin with the polarizing political views. As long as she moderates her red wine intake, the group should be able to avoid the hot button topics. Hooker has known the bride her whole life, so of course she’s invited to the bachelorette weekend. Heck! She’s even in the wedding party. At dinner, she makes a really heart-felt toast that everyone seems to really enjoy but it rapidly turns into her weeping while singing “God Bless America”. Wait, how much has she had to drink tonight? Who was watching her? Uh-oh. Cue wine-fueled-political rant.

Gremlins – Gremlin is the one who WON’T. STOP. PARTYING. She is always the last one to leave the bar or club. Where does she get this boundless energy? It’s truly mystifying to the other party-goers. She’s got crazy stamina, great dance moves, and she’s weirdly flexible. She manages to get up early to do her sunrise yoga even though she didn’t get back to the house until 4AM. How does she operate on so little sleep? Apparently smelling salts. Smelling salts is how.

Filthier – Filthy is the one who is an Instagram influencer. She’s the one who springs for bottle service at da club. She completely overpacked for a 3-day weekend. What does she even have in that massive toiletry bag? She has an opinion about every restaurant/bar/club that Anklebiter has lined up for the weekend. Everyone wants to hate Filthy because she is so dang perfect but she’s actually really nice. Plus, she let you borrow some cute earrings and provided you with make-up remover wipes all weekend because you’re a mess and forgot yours. Thanks for having your life together, Filthy.

Fresh Kills – Fresh Kills is the one who keeps managing to not be at the table when the check comes. Oops! Can they just Venmo you later? Thanks. (You won’t get that Venmo later). Ooh! Did someone buy a round of drinks? Awesome! Fresh Kills will totally buy the next round. (Fresh Kills will not buy the next round). Hah! Jokes on you. It’s ok though. Fresh Kills is a total babe so she manages to get lots of free shots for the group throughout the weekend. She says it all kind of evens out and you just go with it.

Riots – Riot is the social justice warrior of the group. While her crunchy tendencies may be hard to accommodate everyone still loves her because she is just so damn sweet. Anklebiter tried her hardest to make sure every restaurant this weekend had at least one gluten-free AND vegan menu option, but do you know how hard that is to find?! Riot never complains though, her only outburst this weekend comes after Hooker’s red-wine-fueled political rants. After the weekend is over, she will invite you to no less than 10 activist groups on Facebook. It’s the least you can do to join a few.

Butchers – Butcher is the one who can’t get in the pool because she just got a new tattoo. Speaking of that… does anyone want to get a tattoo this weekend? Anyone? Butcher follows this really cool tattoo artist on Instagram and they might be able to fit us in! No? Ok. No worries. Butcher also knows the lead guitarist in a really cool indie band that happens to be in town tonight. Just in case the club isn’t really your scene. Just, like, if you’re interested. No pressure. No? Ok then, Butcher is just gonna go smoke a hand-rolled joint and help Riot recycle the Smirnoff bottles that lay in everyone’s wake.

Cobra Kai – Cobra Kai is the one who got everyone matching “she’s getting married, so we’re gEtTiNg DrUnK” T-shirts. She also went buckwild ordering a TON of bach party swag off of Amazon. Temp tattoos, sweatbands, and of course, penis straws (bio-degradable penis straws that is, lest Riot get her panties in a bunch). Perhaps CK is pouring so much energy into party favors because she’s still reeling from her boyfriend abruptly breaking up with her to take a job in Boston. Ugh, sad! But you know what? CK is taking it all in stride and she is single and ready to mingleeee. And with this bunch as her wing-women, she’s bound to get laid. Get it, girl.

Rainbows – Rainbow is the one who just wants everyone to get along! She’s the one who set up the group text and the shared iCloud album and the group Spotify playlist. She keeps morale high throughout the whole weekend. Rainbow just went through a bit of a rough patch herself last year and has come out the other side! Yas girl! She knows just what to say to everyone to make them feel great about themselves. How does she always know what to say? You definitely want to get the name of her therapist before the weekend is over.

LBS – LBS is the one who still hasn’t paid for the Airbnb. Even though Anklebiter made the reservation MONTHS ago, and everyone else is all paid up, somehow LBS has managed to crash the party without forking over the dough. Similar to Hooker, LBS is a bridesmaid/long-time friend of the bride so everyone lets it slide. Plus, LBS knows how to bring the ENERGY. She’s great to party with. However, if she doesn’t pay up by the end of this weekend, Anklebiter will definitely shake her down at the wedding. Tbh I’m kind of looking forward to that.

Megatouch – Megatouch is the golden girl. Not in the sense that she’s old, but in the sense that she’s like, really good at everything she does. She was valedictorian, she went to an Ivy League school, was the captain of multiple sports teams, has an awesome job, a cute husband, the list goes on. Megatouch? More like MIDAS touch. Everything she does is pure gold. Despite all her accolades, the girl is HUMBLE. How the heck does she do it? Please teach me your ways Megatouch.

Karma – Karma is the one that hires a tarot card reader. While pre-gaming at the Airbnb, the girls hear a knock on the door. A shawled and bejeweled man wearing a turban walks in and immediately starts setting up shop. Just when the girls think that they’re about to learn their future, “Pony” by Ginuwine starts playing! Plot twist! IT’S A MALE STRIPPER! Everyone is amazed as Karma whips out a wad of singles and starts throwing them about, gyrating with the man who has shed his shawl but kept on the turban (hey, doesn’t he kinda look like a Hemsworth brother?). That was an unexpected, but very welcomed turn of events. Leave it to Karma to shake things up!

And there you have it folks! I hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing, but let’s remember that neither of us had as much fun as the BTSH teams did at this hypothetical bachelorette party! Cheers!