If the 2018 BTSH playoffs were to start today (or this Sunday), here’s how the match-ups would look based on the current standings. And while we’re at it, let’s go ahead and predict the whole thang. And…we’re off!

Opening Round

20. Tompkins Square Riots at 13. Mega Touch
Prediction: Classic southeast division match-up that favors Alok and Mega as they swept Dave and the Riots this year.  Having said that, defeating a team three times in one season hasn’t been done since Karma crossed the Elves arms over their chest and put them to permanent rest in 2015.  Still, we like Mega 3-1.

19. Dark Rainbows at 14.  Butchers
Prediction: Well, it was a good run for Katherine C and the Rainbows during the second half of the season, but it ends here.  Creamy, MDF and the Butchers have so much pent up frustration that the Rainbows will be left walking funny for a week.  Butchers move on 9-0.

18. Gut Rot at 15. Denim Demons
Prediction: History suggests that Josh and the Demons should cake walk through this one (and they’ve been playing better lately too), but Peaches and Gut Rot are known to pull an upset out of their rear.  Even though GR has the edge in goaltending (no offense) the Demons will win 3-2.

17. Sky Fighters at 16. Mathematics
Prediction: What an unfortunate way for Math to end a miserable season, but perhaps it is for the best.  Despite the veteran savvy of Justin, Amy and Brad, the young guns on the Sky Fighters will be too much for them.  Carlin, James, and Matt move on to the Round of 16, 4-3.

Round of 16

17. Sky Fighters at 1. Fuzz
Prediction: This is not how Coach and Fuzz wanted to begin their PBR Cup campaign, because Jake, Caroline and the Sky Fighters match-up surprisingly well against the juggernaut of Fuzz.  Still, this Fuzz team is even better than the 2016 version and so we see them moving on 4-2.

15. Denim Demons at 2. Cobra Kai
Prediction: Rachel and Cobra Kai’s playoff woes are well documented and having to face-off against a divisional foe in the playoffs is no picnic (JR and the Demons are one effing tough team).  But we like Siena and Olivier getting them over the hump and into the quarterfinals 3-1.

14. Butchers at 3. LBS, Inc.
Prediction: Even though the Butchers have endured through a difficult season without the talents of Rosie, they’ll surely miss him for this one.  Ali, Karsten and the #poundtowncrew are on a mission to hoist the lord PBR’s Cup and they win this one 5-2.

13. Mega Touch at 4. Filthier
Prediction: Tuckman has been stoic in net down the stretch of the season for the Touches and goaltending can win you championships.  JJ and Filthy have a pretty decent goaltender of their own in Tim K, but lack the resiliency of the Jeffs.  Mega will pull of the upset in OT 4-3 and live to fight another day.

12. Corlears Hookers at 5. Fresh Kills
Prediction: This match-up says a lot about the modern day BTSH and just how deep the talent is across the league.  Both of these teams could easily be penciled in for the semifinals, but only one can survive.  Roxy and Fresh Kills defend their title admirably and move on 5-3.

11. Instant Karma at 6. Rehabs
Prediction: ‘Hey Butchers, its Chadwick and Karma.  Are you interested in scrimmaging the following Sunday in between the quarterfinal games?’  Karma puts up a good fight, however, Alex and the Rehabs win this one for Showtime.

10. What The Puck at 7. Gouging Anklebiters
Prediction: Tough one to predict as we don’t know who will show up for the Biters.  So if we only go on stats alone then the edge goes to Probie and the Biters who have put 14 more biscuits in the basket than Susie and the Pucks this season.  Biters move on 5-1.

9. Poutine Machine at 8. Gremlins
Prediction: Despite the Gremlins having the slightly higher seed it is Poutine who should be favored in this match-up.  Having said that, it all depends on who is in net for the Poos as rumor has it both RJ and AJ already have fall plans.  The Gremlins welcome back Erich and Rockoff and knockout Charlotte, Hilary’s boyfriend and the Machine 5-3.

Quarterfinals

13. Mega Touch at 1. Fuzz
Prediction: Ugh. The ‘He’s Already Dead Game’ as Shelly and Mega get thrashed by Alexa and the Fuzz 10-0.

8. Gremlins at 2. Cobra Kai
Prediction: Whoa!  LJ, Liam and Cobra Kai suffer their first regulation defeat of the season at the sticks of the Salt Boyzzz and those pesky Gremlins 3-1.

7. Gouging Anklebiters at 3. LBS, Inc.
Prediction: Coco, Sarah and the Biters seem to have the LBS number as Timmy shows his old team the playoff exit door 4-3.

6. Rehabs at 5. Fresh Kills
Prediction: Rematch of last year’s championship game with the Rehabs playing with a purpose.  However, the miles put on them by making the championship game three years in a row catches up to them.  Frank, Nicole and Fresh Kills make it back to the Tompkins Square Dance 5-2.

Semifinals

8. Gremlins at 1. Fuzz
Prediction: Wounded Rich somehow convinces Jeff to let him play and ends up knocking in an own goal in the final minute that gets credited to Marcella while costing his team the game.  Fuzz loses their collective shit and banishes him to the Free Agent list where he spends 2019 as the 2015-16 Newman.  For the first time in franchise history the Gremlins move on to the championship game 1-0.

7. Gouging Anklebiters at 5. Fresh Kills
Prediction: Back in 2015 the Biters pulled off the playoff upset against Fresh Kills by tripping up Ariel and then kicking him while he was down (yeah, looking back on it now, as the ref, I probably should have called the trip on Sarah).  They also exposed Gabe’s weakness (passing) by triple teaming him to force turnovers.  A lot of hockey (drinking) has happened since then, but the pain of that defeat has not faded for Soko and Barch.  They get sweet revenge against Phil and Amy by winning 7-6.

Championship Game

8. Gremlins versus 5. Fresh Kills
Narrative: Before the season started Soko, Gabe and Ariel made a pact that this would be their final run together.  With the demands of life outside of the league piling up like consumed beverages at a Gut Rot event they knew their time was up.  They’ve had an amazing run together while producing hall of fame worthy careers at the expense of us common folk.  This game will be the passing of the torch from them to Tom, Frank and Sheena.

As for the Gremlins, well, they’re just gay to be here and have nothing to lose.  Sometimes that is what makes a team most dangerous.  Playing loose can foster the type of creative freedom that favors the Gremmies’ crop of talented forwards like Erich, Mills, Marie and Magician.  Sadly, they will have to shift Mr. Minus Walker at some point forcing Jamie to test their limits of ‘GET BACK ON DEFENSE’ ESP.

Prediction: Jamie gets caught out of net (shocker) too many times and Fresh Kills goes on to become the first BTSH team to win back-to-back championships 7-2.