Hockey Beach 2017 Team Previews – Part 2

BTSHers are making their way down to Ocean City in waves and this year there are a record 9 teams registered.  Let’s get to know those teams by diving into those Team Previews.  Here’s Part 2.  Enjoy!

Twin Dekes
by Justin M

After a long awaited foresight into David Lynch’s return to the main screen, Twin Dekes is on Season 3 – just like it’s counterpart of the TV Series. However, just like the Lynchian exploration, the majority consumers have become bored and tiresome of the gig. This falls perfectly in the spectrum in which Twin Dekes strives upon.  Don’t sleep on these damn fine hockey players – they like their damn fine coffee just how they like their dualing peni.

Cecial Harambe
by Richiepoothang

Cecil and Harambe died for our sins. So we play for them.

Except not many of us are actually playing for them… because much like our heroes, our enemies have smited us.  Hicks, Barch and Tom have all fallen to the stupid idiot kid who shot Harambe, and the evil dentist who had Cecil killed.  Our women are like Xena. Warrior Princesses who tried to get poached by JW. But Walker needs to learn about HLR. Hustle. Loyalty. Respect.

Cecil greets Harambe in Animal Heaven by trying to send him to Animal Hell.

You tried to poach them last year, you tried to poach them this year you’ll try to poach them next year. But like Queen Nabatz said, it didn’t work last year, it didn’t work this year and it will never work.

We may have suffered a lot of blows…but the one thing you will get from us is max effort on the courts…and the desire to kill Sam N in go-karts. Or anywhere else. We want him dead.

Against All Odds… we will bring home championship gold.

Lets go Mets, Lets go America, and LETS GO CECIL HARAMBE!!!

And when we win… we will all travel back to NY and PILE ON BARCH!!!

Hockey Balboa
by Dana

It’s a mix of people who have never played or are new to hockey (hi Naji and Lindsey!) and people who came out of the womb playing (MDF and Cherie). It’s a team of contrasts, some of us are really, really strong hockey players (Rachel) and some of us are really, really good at jokes (Art).  Some of us are preparing by making extensive packing lists (Scott is bringing a few “modest” shirts you guys, for when you just need to bring things down a notch…), some of us are drinking all the PBR in New York and then going to drink all the PBR in O.C. (Brady. He’s ready you guys. Mind and body, it’s all about mind and body).  We are all preparing for wardrobe malfunctions – Alex FD considers these part of his game – “it’s all about the intimidation factor, he says. You want your opponent saying, ‘wait, is that guy wearing a small dog’s chewed up tank top?’ Yes, yes, I am.”

Morning sunshine.

Jesus Penus

First there was Shawarma, then there was Kum, now…..there is Penus. No, this isn’t some weird porn that Rich Glanzer would watch…it’s our team.

Jesus Penus

Behold this crew of lime tossin’, ukulele playin’, go kart racin’, ice cream eatin’, kazoo blowin’, +/- countin’, Tito’s drinkin’ gals and guys.

Behold the penus. Rising…….umm, like a phoenix. And shooting………umm, fire, like a dragon.

Jesus Penus. Dear Father, Son, and the holy let’s play toast.

Sea Section
by Drew Peacock

Born from blood and scalpels, the Sea Sections arrive at Ocean City with only one thing on their minds: getting drunk on the beach.  Sure there’s hockey, Seacrets, and the water park, but to this crew of mostly Anklebiters with an accent of Gut Rot and a Rehabs goaltender, the mission is clear.

“I just wanna make sure I wake up still an anal virgin,” said captain Probie of the Anklebiters. “Or at least someone bought me a few drinks first.”

Proud owners of a collective six gold medals at the BTSH Olympics, this squad boasts some high profile professional drinkers who are glad to have a noon (latest slot) start time on their first game – courtesy of tournament organizer and team member Worky McParty.

“I plan to be face down in a pool of my own urine until 11:53,” said McParty. “Hey, decision is in your hands, what would you do?”

Still, the Sea Sections are ready for the sport courts and vow to demonstrate discipline in preparation for their tournament run.

“We may have a few crab bloodies before we play,” said Caroline of the Anklebiters.  “But we now have a strict no pre-game blow policy this year.”


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