Hockey Beach 2017 Team Previews – Part 1

BTSHers are making their way down to Ocean City in waves and this year there are a record 9 teams registered.  Let’s get to know those teams by diving into those Team Previews.  Here’s Part 1.  Enjoy!

Shortis
by Greg I

Ocean City re-peat champs.

Two-time defending champions Shortis face many important questions going into the 2017 edition of Ocean City; how will team chemistry be affected by the myriad defections and additions that have taken place this off-season? Will the team’s conspicuous gluttony (Electric Prune donuts, Über Bagel, Crab Bag, Seacrets) and resultant complacency stand in the way of the elusive threepeat? Will Dan (Mr.Clutch) Hopper’s flight from LAX arrive in time for the all-important opening round clashes? Will Greg finally break down the icy reserve of the Serbian-born sweeties at the Dairy Queen, culminating in happy Slavic bliss and BTSH expanding to include a Belgrade-based franchise? Will Jeff continue to combine brilliant play with the win-at-all-costs attitude that resulted in a penalty after accidentally steamrolling a female opponent  at a crucial moment in last year’s (semi?) final game (A controversial call that Workey referred to as ‘the easiest I’ve had to make in all my years of reffing’)? Will Tim (the nicest man in BTSH) K stand on his head yet again? WHY IS ASSAWOMAN DRIVE CALLED ASSAWOMAN DRIVE? Can we get the confederate flag towels and (especially) board shorts banished from Sunsations, once and for all?
The answers to all these questions and more will be provided by Olivier Brassard at 4:10 am Sunday morning  in Room 307 of the Cayman Suites Hotel!

Basic Beaches
by Tia and Joe

The Basic Beaches
Coming for your iron throne
Going beyond the wall

A team has no name.

Well, actually, we do. We’re the Basic Beaches and we’re about to ruin your fu-night-king weekend. Thought you were that stacked team of BTSH-bro-superstars ready to descend upon the OC like a dragon on the army of the dead?  Well, get ready to call us your Khaleesi. Winter is coming to the beach and you’re about to have something in common with the unsullied.

Thin Mints
by Klion and Roberts

A short time ago in a dive bar close, close by…

Klion and Roberts Pounded a shot of “Jameson” and slightly winced before the Gut Rot hit. This particular batch tasted slightly better than the usual Fish [black] Market batch. What The Puck is going on? Everyone’s favorite Hooker – and Fish resident – confirmed this was a unique blend. Somewhere over the Rainbow two free agents chatted, finding their way next to some Gremlins and fellow bright-shirt enthusiasts. There’s only one place where this wild bunch makes sense: OCMD.

Beach, Beer, Hockey – the ultimate hat trick.

With the roster in place, the team leaned onto the Buccimane for its name and landed on Thin Mints. An intense training regime followed, with blackouts happening at the rate of playoff-mode Handsome Ellery, BTSH Emeritus and NYC Caps Fans HOFer. (SOUTHEAST CHAMPZ FOR LYFE!!!) The only thing stronger than the collective BAC of the Thin Mints is their bond. A bond strong enough to stand the ultimate test: the Girl Scout Code.

On my honor, I will try:

To serve God and my county
Ok, being honest: this is a far inferior No. 1 rule to don’t be a dick. Also don’t be a dick typically serves God and country. Great success! Next.

To help people at all times
I learned one thing early in Ocean City: people are always in need of help. My first night in Ocean City, I was a league rookie. I knew a handful of folks going in and got to know a lot more over the course of the weekend. At the tiki beach party kick off, I had no beer. Alok, what a guy, handed me a Miller High Life. I had to pay this forward.

The next night, league hero and the artist currently known as Sultan needed a pee buddy outside* of Wawa. I was up to the task. Two confident streams christened the shit out of that bush. Help comes in many forms and not all heroes wear capes.

*yes, Wawa is open 24 hours and yes, that means its bathrooms are too. To this day I have no explanation, or regrets, for this event.  FUZZ!

One of these guys is really happy, the other has crabs.

To live by the Girl Scout Law
Wait, what is the Girl Scout Law? I thought this was the Girl Scout Code? Part of the code is a law? This kind of bureaucratic crap is why Rick destroyed the Galatic Federation. Heck, just like the Blemflarck went to 0, these laws are getting discounted. We’re making our own badges! No really, there’s a robust list of more than 50 “honor” badges up for earning over the course of the weekend. Highlights include:

  • ‘The Bender’ – Being drunk for 72+ hours
  • ‘The Arya Stark’ – Saucing a pass at a teammate’s head while they’re open in the slot
  • ‘The Craig Lacomb Badge of Honor” – Nudity on the court

Secrets Rule – always one Moore round.

The key word in the entire piece of the Girl Scout Code is “try.” That will be the theme throughout the course of the weekend.

  • We will try to make our 10am game – Cro will play ‘Party Hard’ starting at 8am, I like our odds.
  • We will try to eat more crabs than Justin. | This will not be done. Period. The man is a tank.
  • We will try to make it out of Seacrets with our dignity. | Questionable to doubtful.
  • We will try to have a cleaner house than the Drunk Machine. | Close call here.
  • And above all, we will try to exceed last year’s record-setting post-Seacrets drunk bus USA chant. | We will succeed with flying colors!

God bless the Girl Scouts, God bless America. Good night and good luck.

Drunk Machine
by BSA

Drunk. Machine.

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