Inspired by the works of the lovely Anonymous Lady, the Finest Mens in all of BTSH have come together to author this week’s previews of the games that were rained out on May 1st. So, without further ado, here is Part 1 of the He-Views.
Denim Demons at Fuzz
Sorry about the confusion guuuuyyyssss, I forgot my login again, so this one will have to do. Can you guuuuyyysss believe it’s been FFFOUUURRR weeks since I last played with you guuuysssss?! Sure feels like FORRRRRever.
Anyways, I’m supposed to write about this week’s game between the league sweetheart (Brian Sullivan False Alert- it’s not him), Fuzz, and evil, the Demons. Back when I possessed a magnetic ability to recruit (i.e. before Ocean City when half of Fuzz’s participants chose to be on different teams), I had this great idea to create a fun loving, equal play time sharing, minimally competitive team that BTSH, Cecil, and Harambe (RIP) could be proud of. That’s why (Brian Sullivan Alert and Brian Sullivan fun fact) Sullivan isn’t on it. He really wanted to join us but I told him he was too competitive for Fuzz, where we just want to have fun and love everyone. This isn’t my men’s league after all. Since everybody loves the spirit of Fuzz (and wrestling), It seems pretty obvious to me that Fuzz will win this game. Even John Cena loves the 3 core tenants of Fuzz.
There’s also the added incentive of potentially sending the Demons down a division, here’s a picture of me doing that in my cape (which like John Cena you can’t see).
Filthier at Fresh Kills
Sunday’s schedule starts off with what’s been billed as a Clash of Champions, as 2014 champion Fresh Kills and 2015 champion Filthier enter tied for first in the division (along with LBS, Inc.).
Filthier swept the season series with LBS, Inc., so all they need to clinch the division and the #4 seed is a win. That isn’t too tall of an order, especially with a roster that starts with Denis, Shafiq, James P., and Suvin. Sunny and Matt N. even showed up last Sunday, and they are both sneaky good. Adding Jeff K. to that mix only furthers their embarrassment of riches. Seriously, facing them is a damn numbers game! If you can somehow get past all of those guys (and Jean, don’t forget Jean), then you still have to deal with Tim K. in net.
Fresh Kills couldn’t beat the clock and gave up a late goal to lose to LBS, Inc. last week, which really hurt their chances at the division. Maybe Dave Soko shouldn’t have rested Gabe as part of his grand strategy for keeping the roster fresh for the playoffs. Did you know that Poutine Machine’s Brian Sullivan has scored more goals than Gabe this season? It’s true, it’s damn true! That guy is an American hero. But enough about Brian, let’s get back to Fresh Kills. They need to win this game and have Math beat LBS, Inc. in order to secure the division and the #4 seed. And they just might be able to pull it off. Rookie phenom Tom Rush has picked up Gabe’s scoring slack this year, and Ariel is always dangerous when leading the transition game.
Prediction: Fresh Kills gets a 3-2 win and everyone celebrates by jumping into a big pile on Barch.
What The Puck at Gremlins
Woo Woo Woo, You know who it is. BSA is back!
The Gremlins and WTP may have not had picturesque seasons, but this match up has game of the week written all over it. A 1-point spread is all that separates these two teams from a trip down to the dreaded Division 4 (Seriously guys, it’s not that bad, plus we drink more).
The Grems have had a hard time replicating last year’s success and the struggle to make up for the loss of last year’s Sleeveless Wonder is real. Captain Mills and Co. are riding high after a much needed victory against Cobra Kai this past week. But, the attention is on J. Walker Walker, who we know will be taking plenty of short shifts to ensure equal playing time for all.
WTP has had a roller coaster year leaving them going into the final game with their backs against the wall. Corey will need to steady the troops and ensure Dude’s ready to out hustle the competition. The rumor is that WTP will be without The Shootout Showstopper Justin or team MVP Camden. The loss of those two may be the final nail in WTP’s Division 3 coffin.
BSA Fun Fact:
BSA was originally cast as the lead in the 1984 cult-classic, Gremlins. However, producers felt that he would draw too much focus away from the success of Gizmo and the Gremlins. Eventually, the role was recast with the lesser known Corey Feldman.
Prediction: This game ends 1-1 in regulation. No Justin to showcase his ability for the shootout leads to 2-1 victory for the Gremlins.
Crolears Hookers at Dark Rainbows
by Cro Daddy
In the final game of the Hookers season they face the Dark Rainbows. After going through numerous CROalies due to their CROalie being injured in a freak accident, the Hookers have finally found their rock to anchor them for steady the stream of impending high seeded teams for the playoffs. Following a huge upset of the Sky Fighters, the Hookers playoff chances are looking very CROmising. They look to keep the CROmentum going against the Dark Rainbows that have been plagued by many of the same struggles the Hookers have faced all season long. Both teams have players who can get work done (when they show up). This should actually be a pretty even match depending on who attends. The Hookers need to keep an eye out for red-hot Tia who notched two CROals last week.
Under the tutelage of Sideline Coach Cro, the Hookers aren’t pinching anymore and getting destroyed by odd man rushes. Speaking of Cro, didn’t he just look so damn good in that hat in week 18? He probably thought “Wow. Even my shadow looks badass” when he was everywhere on the West court.
This matchup is all about who can post up in the Cro’s nest, do the dirty work, and get some juicy rebound goals.
Prediction: Hookers over Rainbows 4-2.
BSA Fact: Sullivan bet Glanzer his bank account balance and left shoe that the Hookers win the game.
LBS, Inc. at Mathematics
by Izzy Sleaze
Ahead of Rain Date Sunday’s matchup between the Mathematics and LBS, Inc. I was able to snag an interview with one of Math’s most eccentric players.
Izzy Sleaze: Week 12 on July 10th at Tompkins Square Park, NYC, it’s a day that I’m certain my guest at this time will not forget. I’m talking about the former friend and tag-team teammate of Da Belt, Math Matician Derk Dav…
Derk Davage: Nothing means nothing!
DD: Nothing mean nothing, man.
Izzy: Nothing means nothing? What do you mean by that?
DD: I’m talking about all the way to the top, yeah. We’re justifiably in a position that we’d rather not be in. But the cream will rise to the top, ooh yeah. Math Madness, yeah has got more to offer than former Commissioner Timmy Baby thinks that we got yeah and let me tell you something right now, cards stacked against the Math Maticians and Rain Date Sunday let me say it yeah, let me say it out loud and let me point to the former Commissioner of Black Top Street Hockey, the Math Matician Derk Davage is not happy with your style of play, yeah. We are the cream in Black Top Street Hockey and there is no doubt about it-
Izzy: Wait, wait a second…
DD: -yeah, you Izzy Sleaze you know that we’re the cream of the crop!
Izzy: Wait a minute though, Derk. I’ve got to ask you very seriously, do you blame Mr. Timmy Baby, the distinguished former Commissioner of Black Top Street Hockey, for Da Belt leaving your partnership and going out on his own?
DD: Yeah, I do, yeah. Outside interference, yeah. In my moment of glory! Yeah. And now I’m living in a nightmare. And we are the cream. And now, not only the Da Belt must fall, but the whole LBS, Inc. organization! Because Luke Logan, Sam Michaels, Stone Cold Scott Austin and Alex the Giant yeah, we are the cream, yeah, the cream of the crop. And there is no-one that does it better than the Math Maticians and Derk Davage with Eldge! On balance, off balance, doesn’t matter. We’re better than you are, yeah and we’re talking everyone in the Black Top Street Hockey. And we’re even talking to Jake the Snake and his cardboard-chest-plated Papa, yeah. We’re on our way and nothing is gonna stop us. Nothing’s gonna stop us.
Izzy: You know, just out of curiosity, Derk, and I certainly don’t want to diminish your team’s tremendous God given talents, but I’m very curious, have you seen Ms. Elizabeth’s game lately?
DD: Yeah. She’s on the other bench of the court, does she interfere in matches? Yeah? Nothing, zero, pure athlete yeah and we’ve been uh yeah, maligned from the top to the bottom and because they can’t handle the Math Maticians featuring Derk Davage, Jericho Perras and the Norris Foundation (Nathan, Zach and Sam) the cream of the crop. Nobody does it better!
Izzy: Well, you heard it BTSHers. There is no love lost between Math Matician Derk Davage and the team he holds responsible for breaking up him and Da Belt. And we’re predicting pure pandemonium on the West Court from beginning to end.
Prediction: One of the refs gets knocked out by a sailing beverage container and while the other is tending to him an infamous league heel runs onto the court and takes out Derk, opening the door for an LBS win 5-4.