Joe Models The Anklebiters’ New Third Jersey

Filthy Gorgeous

Strengths: Things can’t get much worse than last year…right? They still have James and Suvin, and when the two are paired together, Filthy is extremely dangerous. If, for some reason, James and Suvin are no longer on the team, then things can get a lot worse.

Weaknesses: They had a little bit of an attendance problem last year. Dan and Caroline got engaged and moved to Washington, D.C. mid-season. There were some pregnancies, too. Others just did not show up all that much. It’s a minor miracle that they were able to field a roster for the playoffs, as Monica had to put her entire roster in for playoff exemptions. And What The Puck captain Larry Zimmer still voted no for every single one.

Fun Fact: Monica is considering having a throwback day, and thus bringing back the lime-green jerseys, when they face the Elves on August 10.

Random Hockey Related YouTube Video: Filthy’s 2013 season went a little like this.

Gouging Anklebiters

Strengths: Which team allowed the fewest goals in BTSH last season? Yep, it’s the Anklebiters, who gave up just 25 goals across 18 games. Some of the credit for this achievement goes to goalie Craig LaCombe, and some of the credit goes to an air-tight shutdown defense. This is a very united team, both on and off the court.

Weaknesses: Congratulations Anklebiters! You just won the Larsen Division! Your prize, which you must accept, is promotion to the Tagliarino Conference. It comes with a tougher division, a tougher schedule, and a noticeably less chill attitude. And Sarah Moore gets to face roommate Lisa Harrington and La Famiglia twice a season now.

Fun Fact: Craig’s ability at throwing his goalie stick has caught the eyes of USA Track and Field. He is considered a dark horse candidate in the javelin for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games.

Random Hockey Related YouTube Video: Tuukka Rask is not impressed.

Happy Little Elves

Strengths: No one cares about BTSH more than Sarah Torneten. I repeat. No one. Every season, she finds some new way to injure her hip, and yet she keeps rehabbing and coming back for more heartbreak. The rest of the Elves could learn something from her determination.

Weaknesses: Well, they don’t really have a goaltender right now. Shaun deLacy, the closest thing in BTSH to Marc-Andre Fleury, has decided to leave the crease and play out on defense. His Jekyll-and-Hyde style of play helped lead the Elves to the 2010 title, but also resulted in some absolute stinkers, which were well documented for posterity.

Fun Fact: The Elves have the best playoff goalie in league history (it’s not Shaun), so they could always go with that person. However, now California-based Elf Trevor Beauclair notes that this person is also the worst regular season goalie in league history.

Random Hockey Related YouTube Video: What’s that? You want to see another Marc-Andre Fleury miscue? Okay, enjoy!

La Famiglia

Strengths: Now here is a team that loaded up in the off-season. Ben Bloom, formerly of the Butchers? Yep, he’s now on La Famiglia. Creamy, also formerly of the Butchers? Him too. Jenna Cruff, formerly of the Elves? She’s with the old Tuques as well. Denis (he’s the captain, right?) and company were one of the big winners of the off-season derby, but will it translate to the courts?  Yes, yes it will.  They now have more than just a scary top line, goalie Tim Kayiotis is perennially underrated, and they even managed to buy out the contract of veteran Ant Ventolieri.

Weaknesses: They are really, really awful at Ace Bar’s trivia night. They couldn’t even win when the theme round was “Italy” and the picture round was “Players on La Famiglia”.

Fun Fact: As the Tuques, they never finished with a winning record. Since they re-branded before the 2010 season, they have not had a losing record.

Random Hockey Related YouTube Video: We couldn’t dig up a video for La Famiglia, so in its place, here is some classic Craig.

Sky Fighters

Strengths: They have Martin. And Kuci. And some guy Zach Norris refers to as Olyviay. Plus, their ladies started showing up regularly for the first time in a few seasons. So it looks like captain Dan Hopper’s periodic team-building events are beginning to work. Well, except for that miniature golf outing where Stephanie Cooper “accidentally” swung her putter into goalie James Stein’s knee.

Weaknesses: Hey look, it’s another team that kind of, sort of, underachieved last year. For the second straight year they finished with a losing record, and for the third straight year they failed to make it out of the Round of 16. And with some Europeans on the squad, they can be a little, dare we say, enigmatic.

Fun Fact: Bob Weyersberg reffed 19 games last year. That’s more than the number of games reffed by the entire roster of Filthy Gorgeous. Or LBS, Inc. Or the Gremlins. Or…well, you get the point. Bob refs. A lot. Those other teams? Not so much.

Random Hockey Related YouTube Video: Did you know that Dan is from Pittsburgh? To make up for those other Marc-Andre Fleury clips, here’s him (Dan, not Fleury) doing something good!