The following views do not necessarily represent those of the editors or of BTSH. They do, however, represent those of Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens.

World Cup Primer

Background: The World Cup is the biggest sporting event on Earth. Bigger than the Coney Island hot dog eating contest. Ten times bigger than the Super Bowl. And this year, it’s projected to narrowly edge out the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup in total viewership, tickets sold, and Jäger shots consumed in a fit of euphoric cheer and obliviousness to later side effects.

The qualification process for this summer’s four week bazaar has already taken place over the last three years, with some teams traveling more than 20,000 miles.  This process (which takes longer than riding the G train from Williamsburg to Park Slope) weeds out some of the lesser teams and brings the best 32 into the tournament. Naturally, I’m still perplexed at how Papua New Guinea just missed out on this year’s tournament.

The first stage of the World Cup is the Group Stage and is broken up into eight groups of four teams. Each group competes in a round-robin tournament.  With wins counting as three points and draws counting as one, two teams eventually emerge to enter the Knockout Stage. Despite heavy lobbying from BTSH rules committee, overtime shootouts have yet to occur.

From there, it’s single elimination until only one team remains, when as tradition has it, the capital of the winning country will topple cars, set fires to furniture, clothing and occasionally household pets before descending into a scene from Lord of the Flies in its jubilation. Ellery “The Nature Boy” Gillette has worked out a deal with United Airlines for an open ticket to wherever this may take place, citing emotional needs.

Where To Go: One of the best parts about living in New York is that there are people from just about every country around, and just about every country cares about the World Cup – especially if its team is represented. The best place to watch a game is amongst people who deeply care about it. Or amongst people who will give you discounts on drinks.

I’m not familiar with every country (if you know where an Algerian bar is, please help out in the comments section) but here are a few places to start:

U.S.A. – Most bars will have the Yanks game on. East Village Tavern has committed to showing every game (with sound, this is important) and is where the official BTSH watch parties will be. However, if you can’t make it down, just about anywhere with a TV should have this on. If it doesn’t, ask the bartender why he hates America. And freedom. And America.

England – The Three Lions are always a fan and bandwagon favorite. Most faux-Irish and English bars will have a good vibe. Check out Kinsale Tavern, Slainte, or Black Horse in Brooklyn. If you don’t care about soccer at all, but do enjoy the accent of many of the residents of the former Empire, this an excellent team to pretend to follow. Just shout, “Bugger!”, “Crikey!”, or “Bloody Hell!” a lot, and you should be good to go.

Mexico – Despite being the U.S.’s arch rival, there’s a strong Mexican presence in the city, and there will be plenty of people who will live and die based on how the games turn out. Mercadito in Manhattan, or just about any bar in Sunset Park, Brooklyn or Corona, Queens will have the games on. Just don’t be the gringo who orders a Corona Lite. At least get a Modelo Especial or Tecate.

Australia – Last World Cup, Danny Polinsky and I went to The Sunburnt Cow for the Australia/Brazil game. It was totally insane. People packed in shoulder to shoulder, drink orders screamed out over the crowd…general mayhem. We had to leave out the back window of the place, because it got so intense at the end. I recommend having a similar experience.

Italy – Similar to how England is a popular choice for bandwagon fans, Italy is as well, especially considering the Azzurri won it all last time. Finding Italian fans shouldn’t be too difficult; check out a bar in Little Italy or go to Jersey. Or basically anywhere, as half this city claims some Italian heritage.

When In Doubt – There are several soccer specific bars in the city, and if you find yourself unsure where to watch the Ivory Coast/North Korea game, fear not. Nevada Smith’s in the East Village and Woodwork in Brooklyn will have plenty of people watching at all hours and at all levels of sobriety.

Find A Team To Cheer For: I’m assuming that most people reading this live in the United States. Thus, the team you should be cheering for is where you park your butt at night. But finding another team or two to follow and cheer for is also important, because the U.S. isn’t in every game (though we should be, America, fuck yeah!). If your family is originally from one of this year’s 32 competitors, then that’s an easy call. Or perhaps you’ve visited the country in the past and had a great time. Or maybe you don’t like that country’s policy about carbon dioxide emissions, and really want its people to have their hopes and dreams crushed into the ground and sprinkled with despair.

These are all valid reasons to support a team, and you can, of course, make your own up as you see fit. However, if you’d like to use a BTSH-related reason to cheer for or against a team, here are a few to go with:

Spain – Corlears Hookers. Not a tournament goes by when some expert (usually with a British accent) goes on about how good they are, how they’re obviously the best team in the field, and how they have incredible players, and should really win it all. Yet despite having an incredible winning percentage and maybe winning a lesser tournament along the way, neither have stepped up in the end.

New Zealand – Mathematics. Basically, it’s fun to cheer for the long shot. New Zealand has 2,500 to 1 odds to win it all, and that’s generous at best. If somehow there were a new mutant strain of swine flu that caused an epidemic that affected every other team, they have a shot, but otherwise, it’s pretty rough. However, fans of this team are often aware of this and are the most fun to drink with.

North Korea – Rehabs. I see the resemblance, do you?

Greece – Unicorns. When was the last time anybody picked either of these teams to win anything? I can’t remember… However, that might just be playing into their hands. Both are backed by a staunch defense that has been the cornerstone of their team philosophy, and both have the ability to sneak up on an unassuming team.

Ghana – Happy Little Elves. Both are relative newcomers on the scene, but have announced their arrival with authority. Much how Ghana’s run to the final 16 in 2006 came from left field, few could have predicted the Elves upsetting the Hookers a few weeks back. And similar to Michael Essien succumbing to his injury and throwing a monkey wrench in the team’s plans, Rich Glanzer’s knee is the scorn of Elf fans everywhere.

Parting Shot: Soccer often gets picked on for being a boring sport. It’s not. It’s subtle and has the ability to be beautiful. While American sports continually change the rules to promote scoring and turn a blind eye to steroid use to ratchet up home run totals, a single goal in soccer is a righteous event. One goal can spark unbridled excitement in a nation or spark outrage and hold up governmental proceedings in another.

One goal can change the world.