The following views do not necessarily represent those of the editors or of BTSH.  They do, however, represent those of Abby Meisterman.

When I’m not juggling metadata or watching the same shitty movies Derek & Eli both adore (Empire Records? Summer School? [Remind me to tell you about me and Dean Cameron one of these days.]) or having an impromptu dance party at East Village Tavern or kicking your ass on the hockey court or drinking gin while wearing freakishly awesome shoes (I do also wear some nifty dresses), I’m sharing a namesake talent.

No, I did not marry the second president of the United States and give birth to a true American family (even if I gave birth to them while living in Hawaii but brought them up in Africa… still born in America!). Nor did I stir up trouble with the Puritans (least complex, my ass). No, no… I’m talking about Abigail Van Buren (Shut yer mouth! I’m just talkin’ ’bout Abby. Awwwwwww yeah). So in the spirit of giving, I am extending my talent and assistance to some lucky BTSHers.

Dear Abby,

I am a 28-year-old male who has been with his girlfriend for a while now (at least since some time last season). I could go on and on about how great she is: great hair (bangs!), fantastic ass (Sir Mix-a-lot would be jealous.), kick-ass hockey player, can give Streep a run for her money, etc. But there’s something missing… or rather someone. How can I best broach the idea of bringing my best friend into the mix?

Stuart

 

“You know what Stuart? I like you. You’re not like the other people here in the trailer park.”

But seriously… Stuart, this is all about communication. In order to continue having a solid relationship, you need to communicate with her. Be honest with your needs and feelings. If she’s open to threesomes it may be your lucky day. If not, you may need to evaluate what you need in a relationship. However, it may just be that she objects to the third you have in mind; Eli is an acquired taste, after all.

—————————

Dear Abby,

I get wit all da fine ladeez outside the league, but u know finding em in the league is hard. I tried getting em on my team to win em over, but they choose better teams. Wat u think I should do?

$m00v Cr!m!nal

PS – My name… “too soon?”

 

Dear $m00v,

Work on your grammar, perhaps? Ladies tend to appreciate a well-spoken and/or well-read gentleman. Perhaps join a book club or start listening to Grammar Girl’s podcasts. As for the women choosing better teams than yours, well… maybe you should talk to your team about that.

PS – Rich Glanzer says “No.”

PPS — You remind me of a lolcat. It’s kind of a good thing. Kind of.

—————————

Dear Abby,

I am Rich Glanzer.

Signed, Rich Glanzer

 

Dear Rich,

There’s nothing I can do to fix or help you with that. I am sorry, though!

—————————

Dear Abby,

I voted for Bush Senior. I voted for W., twice. I voted for McCain (and would vote for Palin). I consider myself to be to the right of the right on the political scale. I know, you’re wondering “where’s the problem here?” but there is a huge one… I play for the Rainbows. Help!
Red But Wearing Pink

 

Dear Red,

First, let me say I’m so glad your name wasn’t “Seeing Red But in the Pink” as all that does is remind me of [redacted]. But to your question, maybe you should try switching teams. Perhaps your conservative leanings would be best served by a team like Lbs, Inc. They seem pretty buttoned-up with their Polos and what not. I’m sure Brian Barrett would be more than willing to indoctrinate/break you in.

————————-

Dear Abby,

Ever since BTSH has moved its “rink” location, I feel so empty. Sundays have lost their meaning. Hell, life has lost its meaning. Sometimes I run into players on the train, and my heart pines. I pull a PBR out of my fridge and there is no one to hand it to. How can I fill the void?

The Gay Woody

 
Dear Woody,

Chocolate and meaningless sex. But I think you’ve got that down pat. Perhaps Doc Holliday’s needs a bar back?

PS —  Gay? Whatever happened to Kelly?