Ignore That Glum Fellow in the Back

Cobra Kai

2013 Record: 3-11-2-2

Strengths: Although Cobra Kai enters this season on the heels of a disappointing 2013 campaign that ended with a demotion to the Greene Division, it stills boasts one of the most established core of players in BTSH. Will Kuhns, J.J. Murphy, Mark Talercio, and captain Greg Altman have now played together for several seasons, including several runs in MOFO. As a result, these veterans’ chemistry and experience are enough to keep the Dojo in any game. Also, the (white!) chick with the dreads is potentially one of the ten best women in the league and helped the Mathematics beat the Happy Little Elves last season (on Rich Glanzer’s birthday).

Weaknesses: Although these guys were once considered just a shade away from elite (think Joe Flacco), BTSH’s overall talent level has vastly improved over the last few seasons, leaving Cobra Kai in the dust with a merely average team. Teamwork and game intelligence will only take them so far, but eventually, the Dojo will need to add some extra talent to regain its status as a legitimate contender. As the Kais’ top players head into the twilight of their careers, it’s time to mine the free agent pool and find the next Jason Eitel. Or do that Gabe for Rachel “The Infiltrator” trade that Fresh Kills keeps proposing.

Fun Fact: Two of your humble writers at The ORG, Derek and Eli, began their BTSH careers on Cobra Kai, way back in the day when it was called Henry Motion. The duo is actually credited with changing the team name to the 80s movie reference (along with former captain Peter “Ski” Oblamski).

Dark Rainbows

2013 Record: 10-7-1

Strengths: The Rainbows finished second in the division last season with a strong ten win performance, so the hockey skills are obviously there. However, with last season’s acquisitions of Abby “Tayne” Meisterman (happy to bring that nickname back!) and David Bernstein, their true strength is useless trivia. While Abby is unmatched in her knowledge of Clueless and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Bernstein knows Tupac’s entire catalogue by heart. Plus, Bernstein went to Duke, so he probably knows J.J. Redick.

Weaknesses: Really, it’s the pink uniforms. Yeah, I know, that’s the joke, because “irony” or whatever, but when’s the last time you faced the Dark Rainbows and actually felt intimidated?  Not that you should feel intimidated facing any team, but the faded pink really isn’t helping.  Then they do that pre-game “whoo-whooooooo” cheer, which is even worse than the Mathematics’ pre-game barking. I know it’s a beer league, but you guys can pump yourselves up better than that.

Fun Fact: Former Rainbows, Trevor and Libby, will attend the ceremony for their daughter’s graduation from NYU this May. She is now 22 years old and living with her fiancé inside a small tent between the East and West courts at Tompkins Square Park. My, how time flies!

Gut Rot

2013 Record: 6-11-1

Strengths: In an offseason filled with more player movement than any other in recent memory, Gut Rot may come away as the clear-cut winners (ironically, with a move that actually happened before the 2013 season actually finished). Last year’s squad yielded a whopping 62 goals during the regular season, good for second worst in the league. However, with the additions of goalie Eric Ramirez and defender Ashley McMasters—two of the league’s best at their respective positions—from the Butchers, this year’s team has a new and much improved look in their defensive zone. This could be the team to watch in 2014.

Weaknesses: Leadership. Is Peaches still the captain? Someone needs to step up and take control of this team, because right now, they have the organization of the kids from Lord of the Flies. Someone needs to find a conch shell quickly, because there’s too much talent here to be so unfocused.

Fun Fact: Contrary to popular belief, Mike and Larry Gilligan aren’t actually related; it is merely a coincidence that they share a last name and are on the same team. In fact, it isn’t even Larry’s real last name.  He was born Lawrence Rosenthal, but legally changed his name in 1998 for his acting career, because his agent thought Larry Gilligan sounded a lot “zippier” and “less ethnic.”

Mega Touch

2013 Record: 6-11-0-1

Strengths: Win, lose, or draw, Mega Touch always comes and goes with a chill, positive attitude. They’re a blast to hang out with on game day and are one of the few teams left that is capable of playing a clean, BTSH-style game. Plus, hot weather doesn’t generally affect them, as they’re always willing to cut a few more inches off their jorts if need be.

Weaknesses: It actually really sucks being the “fun” team of BTSH. In fact, it’s even kind of a backhanded insult, because I’m sure they’d rather be the “good” team. Unfortunately, the two notions rarely go hand-in-hand, because at a certain point, you need a little grit and dickishness (it’s a real word!) to succeed. The Gouging Anklebiters dropped their nice-guy gimmick a few seasons ago, and look how well it’s worked for them. Even Steve Urkel traded in his nice-guy schtick, and now Laura can’t get enough of Stefan.

Fun Fact: Captains Julie Katz and Eric Devlin have combined their unique skills to create a new cartoon about a street hockey team that solves crimes when its not on the court. They’ve already enlisted the help of noted voice actors Hank Azaria, Nancy Cartwright, and Alex Eben Meyer, who were all happy to help with the unique project. The show is still in the early stages of development, but rumor has it the Cartoon Network is very interested in putting the show on Adult Swim.

Tompkins Square Riots

2013 Record: 2-15-1

Strengths: For a team that finished dead last in 2013 with just two wins, the Riots actually have some legit ballers on it. Patrik Blohmé can play on my team any day of the week (no seriously, you have an open invitation, Patrik), and their goalie, Dave Gil de Rubio, had a shutout in one of last year’s playoff semi-final games (albeit with a different team). Plus, Fresh Kills’ Scott Lee owns a red t-shirt, so he can always sub in for them if they need an extra player.

Weaknesses: As is the case with many teams, inconsistent attendance plagues the Riots every season. They have the tools and talent to compete with anyone else in the Greene Division, but until everyone shows up on the same day, the Riots will continue to be the Glass Joe of BTSH.

Fun Fact: After three and a half years of toiling in the editing room and poring over nearly 1,500 hours of raw footage, Jaclyn Lee and Amy Jones are now approximately one fifth of the way done with their documentary on the 2010 BTSH season. In the meantime, the league eagerly awaits its opportunity to relive the Happy Little Elves’ miraculous playoff run.