Emeritus Note: The editorial staff is hard at work on the remaining division previews, but to tide you over until those are ready, we’re running a classic team preview. Here are our thoughts on LBS, Inc. prior to the start of the 2011 season. This post was originally published on March 22, 2011.

Meet LBS, Inc.’s New Security Manager

Courtesy: LBS, Inc. Office of Communications

Color: White
Year Founded: 2002
2010 Regular Season Finish: 8-7-0-1 (4th, Rubens Division; 11th overall)
2010 Playoff Result: Lost to Filthy Gorgeous in round of 16
Conference: Weyersberg
Division: Hackett
2010 Leading Scorer: Karsten Pichon, 16 goals
Team Song: Pet Shop Boys – Opportunities (Let’s Make Lots of Money)

New Hires: Lawrence Goldstein
Resignations: Alex Simon, Phil Yang

It might seem like LBS, Inc. had an uneventful offseason, with the bulk of the Corporation returning from last season, but nothing could be further from the truth. After a series of intense negotiating sessions, CEO Sascha Puritz and her company have bought the Gouging Anklebiters. Director of Mergers and Acquisitions Fernando Limonic, explains, “Sascha already has such good ties to the ‘Biters due to her relationships with Mr. Donohue and Mr. Owen. It just seemed like a natural fit for us to establish a presence in the Schumacher Conference. It’s called synergy, and it’s just smart business.”

As a result of this buyout, LBS, Inc. secures the rights to any championships or prizes that the Gouging Anklebiters may incur. This includes, but it is not limited to, the MacNeil Division title, the PBR cup, the Prince of Weyersberg trophy, any medals from the Johnson’s Olympics, all post-season awards, and any potential buybacks at Ace Bar. Current Anklebiter Amy Barrett (no relation to LBS, Inc. CFO Brian “Grandmaster B” Barrett) was extremely discouraged upon learning that her arm wrestling title would have to be relinquished to her new parent organization. Furthermore, one final clause to the contract specifically states that LBS, Inc. and the Gouging Anklebiters would not play each other during the 2011 regular season due to potential conflicts of interest.

Majority shareholder “The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin is thrilled about this deal, as his stock has already risen 3.5 points in the past week. He comments, “I’m getting married this summer, so I need all the money I can get. Investing in a beer league hockey team doesn’t yield the high-end dividends it used to, so this was a welcome surprise.”

Entity They Resemble, According to Rich Glanzer: Sully the Pilot. While Sully may be a hero to some, the book here says he’s just a bird murderer. But a talented bird murderer. The Evil Tandem of Karsten and Ken has left a lot of BTSH teams in their midst, but you know the two expressions. Defense wins championships, and good pilots avoid birds so they don’t have to land in the Hudson. Expect a comeback season from this team, though they won’t win it all.
Fast Fact: Erica Lee’s favorite board game is Pass the Trash.

ROSTER

Brad Allecia
Samuel Anthony
Brian “Grandmaster B” Barrett
Jason Bogdaneris
Tom Capatosta
J.P. Chaput
Alexandra Chenitz
Karen Erickson
Lawrence Goldstein
Anne Grady
Erica Lee
Sascha Lehman
Fernando Limonic
Karsten Pichon
“The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin
Sascha Puritz (C)
Dustin Shutes
Seth Wachtell