A look in the wrong direction at what way we once were
by Belshazzar Chlöroplast and the Corlear’s Hook Preservation Society

As the great Bob Marley once said, “if you know your history, something something something something.” In keeping with that wisdom, this special feature, Facing Backwards, will take a look back at historical BTSH documents from the hockety past with a critical eye toward traditions that linger like Passover, the things that have changed over the years, what knowledge has been lost to history, and a compendium of ethnic slurs. It’s on asshole! [sic]

Here’s what you’d have seen a decade ago, had you dialed into America Online and surfed upon the information superhighway to BTSH.org:

Analysis: Back then, the weekly reports combined announcements, themed box scores, and paranoid screeds about terrorism. Who was SB? Only one of the founders of the league, you freakin’ ingrate. She wound up walking away from BTSH and into California seclusion, Brian Wilson-style. This was after being diagnosed with chronic hoofdaphobia (the fear of capital letters), triggered by an incident from her upbringing on Sesame Street, when her pet grouch was torn apart by a pack of wild Qs.

4/25/2006 really was Free Cone Day. Never forget! It was like an ice cream orgy. Sorry you missed it. You were grounded for malnourishing your Tamagotchi.

 Continuing with the original text:

Analysis: Yeah, we weren’t afraid of a couple raindrops and skinned knees back then. “Rain Fears” wasn’t a thing. We didn’t need safety visors neither. We walked 40 miles to play hockey in blizzards with snowdrifts seventeen feet high, uphill both ways. Quit your kvetchin’!!

Analysis: We used to play at two courts. The first was Corlear’s Hook Park, a trapezium-shaped court we bifurcated into two smaller trapezoids. One half featured a birdbath behind the net and a grassy knoll for shooting at cars on the FDR. Moffo, located down by Manhattan Mini-Storage, still sees use as a litterbox for dogs.

Some of the teams are unchanged. Here’s ’em ones what done gone and did:

• Pork Fried Rice hit the snooze button on 2008, opening a slot for Free Agent Team (later known as Happy Little Elves after losing a bar bet). Most of the original Elves were tragically wiped out by the mysterious CrossFit Strangler during their yearly trust-building retreat in Ronkonkoma; in 2016 the team was re-staffed as the Fuzz, filling out the roster by brainwashing players from the Gremlins, Denim Demons, and Butchers. The CrossFit Strangler is still at large.
• Filthy Gorgeous got even Filthier and slightly less gorgeous in 2015 by poaching star players from La Famiglia in a desperate ploy to make themselves feel big. (Spoiler alert: it worked.)
• The Unicorns mistakenly “forgot” Craig, Coco, and Joe at Woodbury Commons around 2011, where Phil picked them up in his Candy Van. To avoid scrutiny from the authorities the remaining Unicorns renamed themselves to the Gremlins.

• The Tuques, a.k.a. the Tuques of Steel, became La Famiglia, which politely held the door open for Instant Karma in 2015.
• The Mighty Squirrels and Mexican Standoff transgribulated into the Butchers, Gut Rot, and Poutine Machine.
• Bad Touch discovered the joys of Erotic Photo Hunt and became Mega Touch.
• Henry Motion (which had previously been Sparkle Motion and/or Super Awesome Villains Forever) karate-kidded themselves into Cobra Kai.
• A couple other teams also slithered onto the blacktop in the interim years (e.g. Tompkins Square Riots, Sky Fighters).

Analysis: A “Kudos” is a type of Mexican granola bar. Broken glass on the court remains a beloved tradition (see the Poutine Machine at Butchers section of this recent article). To this day, the commissioner arrives early at the courts to suck the last drops of alcohol from bottles collected while roving the streets overnight. The commissioner then smashes them in a process known as “the crackening,” in preparation for the hard work of ignoring your e-mails.

Note above where SB alludes to the autocratic transfer of power to a handpicked successor, Bob W., a tradition we’ve abandoned in favor of blatantly rigged elections.

PFR ended the 2006 season with 18 wins and 2 losses but lost to What The Puck in the finals, as extensively detailed here. That’s probably why they quit the following year. Join me in mocking their hypersensitivity.

Analysis: “gasface”? This is an ugly, outdated slur for people who come from Uranus. Back then it was also the section of the weekly report where SB would publicly shame your personal failings and generally rant. In this case, part of the rant was her own pending departure. Has a whole decade really gone by since that tragic day I hadn’t yet joined the league and had no idea who any of these people were?

As for tied games, if you’re wondering why they ever existed at all, keep in mind that in 2006 people were less evolved; BTSHers still brachiated, and only communicated by squeezing their armpits. In those days, obvious methods of tie resolution were not obvious.

Analysis: remember when Facebook was just for pompous Harvard swells and you were declaring your love for BrokeNCYDE to your nine buddies on Friendster? Well, BTSH was a pioneer in filling the spam content gap.

• Rebecca made it to New York, but sadly she wore out her couch welcome when she forgot to feed the cat and it ate all the plants.
• The professional couple did get a third roommate: TV’s Don Knotts!
• BTSH raised over 25 billion dollars for the Avon Walk and successfully cured breast cancer, but then-president George W. Bush declared that science was a form of witchcraft and had all doctors and scientists rendered to Guantanamo Bay, where they still live today. Hey, that rhymes!

Next time on Facing Backwards, we’ll delve into the touching story of Eli Kazin’s tramp stamp… and if you’re not careful you may learn something before it’s done!