This year’s BTSH Commissioner Race has proved to be one of the wildest in history in the modern era. With so many discontented captains’ (there are actually only four, but I need to sensationalize this story), nobody knows how this will turn out!!!  And now, to introduce the candidates and where they stand on so many BTSH issues!

Danielle Haselton:

Danielle has held various jobs over the years, the hallmark—outside of being an operations manager for Maple Water, a Happy Tree product—has been an NYC Social kickball league manager, where she organized the league registrations, obtained the city permits, sent weekly emails to the league’s teams, and of course, ran the whole damn thing.

Okay, okay—I started writing this article before I knew she was running. It really screwed up my whole dichotomy and the “only electable female candidate” schtick because I thought Ashley was the only female candidate… Anyways, Danielle is running, but if you came here to get a quick laugh in, which should be the only reason you read BTSH articles, then go to CollegeHumor or something, because the following probably isn’t funny, unless your humor benchmark is Glanzer humour, in which case anything else you read will clearly over-index in funniness. Glanzer humour of course spelled with a “u” because the Brits aren’t at all funny, either…

Ashley McMasters:

Ashley has struggled hard this race because BTSHers find her to be too much part of the establishment. Being long-time boyfriends with another league member who also has reffed awhile has helped and hurt her cause.  When they first joined the league, they had reffed and passed certain rules, and now as the league has changed, they now ref under different rules, trying to make the most people happy all the time. Additionally, she is currently under security review after viewing Top Secret BTSH Media Franchise Four content she was not authorized or cleared to view. The BTSH Media keeps this under strict security for fear of people literally dying from laughter and ever since Craig LaCombe hacked in to post retargeting ads featuring Rich doing various things Rich does.

Ashley, if you had 3 sentences to explain your stance on BTSH and why you’re the best candidate, what would they be?

“I, I mean, WE have done so much the past couple of years—I have the best resume of all the candidates—having been involved in so many ball hockey tournaments, being a USA Hockey ref with my boyfriend—I mean, just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I can’t be in charge. This league has been backwards and ran by white men for far too long—it’s finally time for when women actually actively run this league! I get it, most of the women in this league are domesticated, 1950 housewives, they’re traditional women with traditional minds—and that’s why I’m the best candidate because I’m a progressive—and will usher these women into 1955!  

Moderator: BTSHers have said that they can’t trust you, getting free beer for showing up to talk to Filthier and some of the elite league teams, and viewing BTSH Media content you were unauthorized to view. How do you respond?

Ashley:

Look, regarding getting a lot of free beer for hanging out with the Hookers and Filthier, I’ve dated another league member who’s quite well known, so it’s very hard to separate my life from his. They just offered me that beer. Now, I actually didn’t view that content—that was a tech problem that has yet to be resolved. Here’s what happened: I use the same email log-in that Rich Glanzer uses, and he watches so much porn that the emailing system must have gotten a virus and caused a bunch of crawlers to make it look like I was in the system viewing the Franchise Four content, when in actuality, it’s just some Glanzer porn virus!

Larry Black:

Enough! Enough with the damn Glanzer porn emails! Let’s get to the issues that matter.

Larry Black, if you had 3 sentences to explain your stance, what would it be?

Well, if I had three sentences to explain the current state of BTSH, quite frankly it would be: win inequality. I am so sick of this league being ran by a select few teams, who, since the 2010 BTSH recession, when the Elves won due to the Rich’s greed on East 10^th Street, the big 3 teams have gotten even stronger and won even more championships! This is despicable, and we need more regulation, and I say BREAK THEM UP, break them up and share their talented palyers with the middle and lower teams, and I say no more play-in games for the playoffs—every team has the right to be in the playoffs, has a chance at the BTSH dream of winning the PBR cup, no matter where your record places you!

Now let me tell you this, if you took a look at Ashley McMasters background, you’ll see she hangs out with those teams and gets complimentary beer from them at the bar for talking to them. You will have the Fresh Kills, some Hookers’ Sachs, and Demons in the commissioners’ cabinet. You elect her, you might as well elect the top teams to run the league, which they won’t because they just want a puppet. And that’s just makes her an even Filthier commissioner, in my opinion…

Breaking News just in from Bloomberg, yes, not from Mike, but I am currently in 731 Lexington Ave:

Zach Norris is sensing and appalled by the current candidates successes and may be in for an independent run for commissioner. When asked about the matter, he replied that he had no intentions on running.

But said, “if anything, we need efficiency and transparency in the ref scheduling and administration markets of BTSH. And that is what I intend to do. I have always said, there will never be someone who will win commissioner who sits on both aisles of the league, and I understand that the constituency of my league, I mean, of our league may not be aligned with my views ever since a few of my previous mandates as ref.  People said I was aggressive in enforcing my coined “you’re not allowed to use this stick because it looks like a rifle if you use it incorrectly and put the blade in your armpit” rules on the court. You know, a toy gun looking thing teaches us that guns are okay.

I also fear voter backlash from my signature “stop and stick” policy, where as ref I would stop and frisk any non-white player to see if their stick had too long of a curve, wherein I would roll an Indian nickel underneath the blade to see if it touched–making it legal–illegal if it rolled straight through. Unfortunately, hindsight is 20/20, and I didn’t realize that using an Indian nickel could be contrived as racist not just in name alone, subsequently making the “stop and stick” policy even more questionable. But, as commissioner, I will enforce a One 12 Ounce Can of Beer rule. It’s exactly what it sounds like–you get to have one 12 ounce can on Sunday, but anymore will make you fat, kill brain cells, and lead to increased city, state, and federal medical costs later in life.”