The Olympic committee has finally sobered up enough from the delightful mayhem that was the BTSH Olympics to recap the night. Here’s what we remember… (the majority of it is still a little hazy)
F*CK PHELPS, BILES & RIO
Stars Shine at BTSH Olympics
by Mike Rotchburns
What do you get when mix binge drinking and food consumption, Norris-on-Norris crime, a ‘suck-off,’ full frontal male nudity, Glanzer versus Showtime?
No, not the makings for White Men Can’t Hump, but rather the fifth BTSH Olympiad, returning to action after a six-year hiatus at the Parkside Lounge.
A packed back room at Parkside witnessed and participated in eight events with Ben and Joe P of the Anklebiters each hauling in a pair of gold medals. Yet there are gold medals and then there are gold medals. And no gold medal shines as brightly as the one Joe P claimed in the showcase event of the evening, the Hot Legs Competition, by strutting down the catwalk in a gold speedo. In celebration, he got the ceremonial cupcake in his ass from former champion, Rosie.
“Joe wanted a live gerbil, but the pet store had already closed,” said Rosie. “Then he asked for a fist, but I gotta be in a relationship before I do that in public – just ask Ali.”
The night heated up early with Brian Cro of the Hookers lighting the ceremonial Olympic flame on stage, then went straight into Arm Wrestling competition where Showtime took the men’s title and Cherie took home the ladies’ division. On his way to the championship, Showtime defeated Glanzer in rematch of the Rehabs-Fuzz game earlier in the day.
“It was just like today’s game,” said onlooker Emily from WTP. “Without all the douchebaggery, yelling and psychotic intensity…oh, and Showtime actually won this time!”
For some purist, the most prestigious event at the BTSH Olympics is the
PBR Tecate Chugging Competition (three people per team, three beers each), won in dominating fashion by an Anklebiter squad of Caroline, Worky and Ben. Other champions include a mixed Fuzz/LBS team (Flip Cup), Justin from WTP (Phallic Fluffer Eating Contest), the Anklebiters (Beer Pong) and Diana from the ‘Biters (Bar Napkin Love Poem).
We play fast and loose
In Navy and Gold
Our balls run deep
And our shafts are bold
Rich might bitch
He hate us cause he ain’t us
But we always bring it home
Like a cupcake to the anus
“Any day I can get an anal flower into my prose is a good day,” said Diana.
The Olympics also featured one brand new event, the 2 Girls, 1 Cup Competition where pairs of ladies downed 24-ounce beer through straws. An initial round of drinking brought a tie between Gut Rot and What The Puck/Poutine which resulted in an unexpected, sudden death ‘Suck-Off’ won by Heather and Morgen of Gut Rot.
“I haven’t sucked like that since junior high,” said Heather.
And what night would not be complete without Craig’s penis subtly being placed on the beer pong table? This one.
In honor of the Late, Great SB, Here Are Some Kudos/Gas Face Awards for the Olympics
- Hippie. He came out of BTSH retirement for Gut Rot and was runner up in both the Hot Legs and the Bar Napkin Love Poem contest. Bravo!
- Liz for bailing into the tables while trying to execute a cartwheel during Hot Legs. Amazing courage, hilarious result.
- Ben and Joe P from the ‘Biters. The Phelps and Biles of the BTSH Olympics…and with that outfit, Joe is definitely the Biles.
- Justin of WTP for his Coney Island horse track carnival game narration for the Flip Cup tournament.
- An amazing planning team of 15 people across a whole bunch of BTSH teams who made it all happen. The Olympics came back in style – kudos!
Gas Face Awards:
- Gut Rot for cheating in the Tecate Chug by drinking at the same time and then trying to hide two of their beers.
- Brian Cro for getting too drunk and having to get Ubered home while he was supposed to be the recipient of the Charity Pour and Slop Event.
Events & Winners:
- Hot Legs – Joe P – Anklebiters
- Flip Cup – Fuzz/LBS (Glanzer, Hicks and Liz)
- Tecate Chug – Anklebiters (Caroline, Worky and Ben)
- Phallic Fluffer Eating Contest – Justin – WTP
- Beer Pong – Anklebiters (Joe and Ben)
- 2 Girls, 1 Cup – Gut Rot (Heather and Morgen)
- Arm Wrestling (women) – Cherie – LBS
- Arm Wrestling (men) – Showtime –
- Bar Napkin Love Poem – Diana – Anklebiters