BTSH Lore: A Lexicary and Anthropoturgical Primer
by Byron Clavicle (deceased)
Author’s note: With so many of Cheeky’s and Cherie’s friends coming into the league from the NHL, Liiga, and JKQMHL, it’s probably about time someone put together a primer on some of the many odd references they may hear and will otherwise greet with baffled incomprehension. So here you go, noobs, now get off my lawn.
All-Star Game (n.): annual event in which players are rewarded for being good at hockey by having to play very bad hockey
Barnacle Bowl (n.): imaginary trophy once awarded to the winner of the two teams that had Jon Levine on them (Cobra Kai, Happy Little Elves)
belt (n.): awarded to the champion of a wrestling game
the Board (n.): imaginary organization operating in secret to dictate league policies that nobody hears about
boards (n.): imaginary walls surrounding the courts
box scores (n.): an ancient Egyptian hieroglyphic system for conveying encrypted game results
BTSH Post (n.): short-lived, unread publication that arose during a media blackout (see: Rogue Media)
Chadtrick (n.): a goal, an assist, and an injury
Cheekbones (prop. n.): Diana, not to be confused with Cheeky
Cheeky (prop. n.): Sarah, not to be confused with Cheeky
coiux (n.): how Glanzer spells “coup” (see: Glanzer)
Corlear’s Hook Park (prop. n.): former BTSH hockey rink that had a bird bath in it and a nearby wall for peeing on in front of screaming children
Crab Bag (n.): site of a yearly crustacean genocide
Craigging (n.): streaking (archaic usage); nursing (contemporary usage)
crease (n.): the thing the other team is always standing in when they score
Cromanteau (n.): a word whose prefix (usually) is replaced with Cro (e.g. Cro job, heavy Cro day, Crotum, etc.)
Dead Pete Lang (n.): famous photo of a sprawled, deceased goaltender
Derek (n.): former media editor guy and Maths captain now living in disgrace (i.e. Massachusetts)
eight (num.): number of warm-up pitches a relief pitcher gets in wrestling
Ella’s dog (n.): what Jenn P. kidnapped from a Royale waitress to extort positive commentary about the Denim Demons
Elly (prop. n.): Eli K., former media writer/editor/stats guy (see: hockey autism)
Fairy Tale Cup (n.): prestigious, imaginary trophy once imaginarily awarded among Unicorns, Dark Rainbows, and Happy Little Elves. Note that the imaginary trophy actually does exist (I still have it).
Facebreaker (n.): 1. when you get hit in the face by a shot from Ben P.; 2. Ben P.
gasface (n.): ancient public shaming ritual targeting violators of BTSH rule #1 (see: kudos)
Glanzerdome (n.): the official sports facility of the Happy Little Elves
the Goal that Almost Was but then Apparently Wasn’t (n.): when Nathan N. scored in the playoffs and it was disallowed for no reason and then the Maths lost
Goalie Union (n.): organization representing goaltenders whenever they are bitching about something
ground-up rectums (n.): primary element in a hot dog sandwich (see: hot dog)
the hawk (n.) a.k.a. Christo, official league mascot and assistant ratcatcher
Hall of Fame (n.): possibly nonexistent place honoring quitters, washed-up players, and Karsten
Heat Fears (n.): when games are canceled due to temperatures exceeding 1500 degrees F
high stick (n.): whenever the stick’s above your waist, except when the referee is drunk
Historical Eras:
- Paleolithic Era: from the Big Bang until 2000. Ancient street hockey balls have been found in middens near the lower FDR region.
- Classical Era: 2000-2008 (when everything was better than it is now because afterwards millennials ruined everything)
- Modern Era: 2008-2015 (loosely defined as the life span of the Happy Little Elves)
- Postmodern Era: 2015-present (defined by arguments over what constitutes the Modern Era)
hockey (n.): 1. drinking; 2. drinking
hockey autism (n.): the ability to recall facts about random games, including ones the subject didn’t attend, from many years ago, with pinpoint precision. (See: Glanzer; Elly).
Hockey Night in Tompkins (n.): a televised BTSH game
homeless people (n.): biggest fans of BTSH
hot dog (n.): a type of sausage sandwich (see: ground-up rectums)
Hsieh Yuan (n.): online seller of discount Gucci handbags and Rolex watches, also editor of the Blacktop Lampoon
John Cena (n.): I don’t know, I think he may be a Supreme Court justice
Johnsons’ Olympics (n.): a multifaceted drinking event and beauty contest
JW (v.): to respond to texts/emails/comments so frequently and rapidly that your recipient cancels their cell phone plan (a.k.a. Walkering)
knife pig defense (n.): the Butchers’ defensive strategy, which apparently works at least 10% of the time
kudos (n.): ancient honorific saluting people who did nice things (see: gasface)
League Bars: official post-game hangouts
- Ace Bar: dark, cheap, empty
- Hi-Fi: dark, cheap, deceased
- East Village Tavern: drowned in a hurricane (See: hot dog)
- Royale (the current league bar): friendly staff, big enough, other customers wish we would all die horribly
- Welcome to the Johnsons’: much missed bar that’s actually still there despite what we did in the bathroom
League Commissioners: semi-elected officials responsible for securing permits and then canceling the games
- Adriano (prop. n.): former commissioner who vanished in disgust and never wants to see you again
- Bob (prop. n.): former commissioner who is the only person to ever actually read the rules
- Danielle (prop. n.): former commissioner currently unreachable by phone, e-mail, or in person
- Glanzer (prop. n.): former Liz-designated Sultan; most controversial player in league history; briefly held the imaginary post of Sultan; occasional ref scheduler or trainer or something
- Herrmissioner: joint commissionering by Sarah & Hicks; if one says you can’t do something, try asking the other
- Pharreaux (n.): misspelling of American Pharoah (see: Herrmissioner)
- SB (prop. n.): league founder (with Bob), now lives in seclusion in rural Antarctica
- Timmy (prop. n.): former commissioner and goalie ultimately hired by the NHL as Chief Executive Hinge Swinger
league goalie gear (n.): filthy, stinky goaltending equipment held together by duct tape and STDs
Lime-Toss (n.): beloved sport that involves tossing a lime, with no other rules or scoring. BTSH is a Lime-Toss league with a hockey problem.
Lime Walker (pr. n.): house band at the Seahawk Hotel, consisting of two ukuleles and a kazoo
Mega Touch socks (n.): bumblebee-striped fashion accessory worn by Alex E.-M., not to be confused with the phrase “Mega Touch Sucks.”
MOFO (prop. n.): outside hockey league responsible for all the new players we don’t like
Most Underrated (adj.): an award that must be immediately stripped from its recipient once awarded
NEDI (n.): Happy Little Elves’s (deceased) defensive strategy, which worked once and then didn’t work anymore
Ocean City Tournament (n.): yearly voyage to Ocean City, MD to puke on the floor of a nice, air-conditioned rec center
PBR (n.): beer
PBR Cup (n.): a trophy made of beer cans and dogfood bowls, just like the NHL’s Stanley Cup; can also refer to a beer can stuffed inside a jockstrap
playoffs (n.): post-season tournament; to qualify you must have won at least 0 games during the regular season
Rain Fears (n.): when there’s a drop of rain and the games are all canceled and Sunday is ruined
recursion (n.): looping (see: recursion)
Reeeeeehaaaabs (n.): a once-beloved team
Rogue Media (n.): rebel media organization that arose in protest when BTSH website writers and editors were going unpaid (a.k.a. Blacktop Lampoon)
Rose Charities Tournament (n.): yearly voyage to Tanahey Park in Chinatown to get sunburnt and beaten up by total randos, to raise money for Canadian orphans or something
Sad Jamie (n.): famous photo of a pouting goaltender
Seahawk Hotel (n.): 1. specific site of much debauchery; 2. where Suz killed that dog
Shomanteau (n.): anything beginning with Show (or more accurately, $h0\/\/)
$h0\/\/+1ming (v.): to repeatedly retire and then return, usually on a different team
Somewhere Over The Rainbow (n.): official theme song of BTSH trophy presentations, written specifically for BTSH by Harold “Great American Songbook” Arlen
Sven (n.): former media editor guy who will have the Week 9 previews for 2013 ready any day now
Taco Chulo (n.): Gut Rot’s official headquarters
Thor (god): Isaac
Tim (n.): what all goalies are named
when three best friends get together (phrase): anything is possible
wrestling (n.): hockey
Zachs (pl. prop. n.): 1. the Denim Demon; 2. multiple other people named Zach; does not include Hogg