By Jess and Russo

With the cancellation of sports (RIP March Madness) we wanted to give the degenerate gamblers of the league and those who miss the post-game hang outs the one thing that unites us all: a trip to the bodega before/after a game. Before we all know it, we’ll be back to frequenting the 7-Eleven and other corner stores around the park but for now, leave your opinions at the door and adopt ours as the only correct ones. You may fight it out in the comments.

Non-alcoholic beverages

QUARTER FINALS

Red Bull This was like 90’s/early 2000’s crack that my 8 year old brain couldn’t wrap her head around. And now that I’m a fully-fledged adult, I can confirm it’s amazing when you need something short of a defibrillator but with more kick than coffee. Maybe you’ve had a rough night and need something to take the edge off in the morning. Maybe your 2nd hangover is kicking in right when you get to the courts. You reach for a RedBull not because you want to, but because you need to or players like Glanzer will be kicking your ass up and down the court.

VS

Gatorade (Light Blue duh) First of all let’s get one thing straight: Gatorade is referred to by color and not flavor otherwise you’re a huge narc. Ah, Gatorade. It’s crisp, it’s light, it’s delicious. The OG pedialyte. You drank this since 1st grade soccer practice and now you drink it as a grown ass adult chasing a ball around a blacktop. Whether you’re hungover, dehydrated or feeling tired, this bev has what you need to feel better with no crash later and that is why it will always be a timeless classic, a tried and true choice.

Winner: Gatorade

Essentia Electrolyte Water This shit is like the purest water ever. Oh, all water is alike? That’s where YOU’RE WRONG. Maybe she’s incredibly hungover, maybe it’s the placebo effect, but when push comes to shove this water “hits different” as the kids on TikTok say (@ SBJ can you confirm, thanks). This fancy water is like the Gatorade equivalent of water.

VS

Kombucha I had kombucha one time when I was in Portland, Oregon and honestly, it wasn’t that bad. You can even get buzzed if you drink enough. (I realize I’ve been making a lot of alcohol references and that is in no way pandering to our league.) But it’s good for your gut health and it’s tasty! It’s like…healthy soda. Shout out to Mia for always having some on hand. If I’m being honest, I can only justify shelling out a few extra dollars for Kombucha. Why would I drop 3 sweet extra dollars on fancy water when I could be spending it on pizza or a crispy rolling rock at Doc Holiday’s.

Winner: Kombucha 

Coke The battle of the hangover remedies. In the red corner, Coca Cola. 12 fluid ounces of pure carbonated water, sugar, caffeine, and Columbian Bam Bam (Jk, they don’t use booger sugar anymore—just coca leaf extract).

VS

Pedialyte And in the other corner, the ultimate 180 brand turnaround. Originally designed for baby-wabys with explosive diarrhea, the youth of america gave it the ol’ college try and figured out all those bootiful electrolytes are great at aiding hangovers. Now available in Orange Breeze.

Two go in, one comes out. The winner by unanimous decision (aka me, Jess, and the peanut gallery: Scotty) Coke. America’s soda brand. Nice try Pedialyte, but include more polar bears in your Christmas marketing next time—kids love that shit.

Winner: Coke

AriZona (Lemon) Iced Tea Most people grab a Snapple when they’re jonesing for an iced tea. Those people would be wrong. I too once believed that Snapple was the superior iced tea, with their fun facts on the cap and unique name for their product. But you know what I want in an iced tea? A tea that tastes like the great state of Arizona. I mean, brewed right in the heart of Tucson—wait, what?!?” “Don Vultaggio (Founder and Chairman) was actually trying to find a name as distinctive as ‘Snapple,’ and chose Arizona after looking at a map and remembering his uncle moved there for his asthma.” (Gothamist.com)

Ok…moving on.

VS

Nesquik (Chocolate) I love the Nesquik rabbit. He (I assume it’s a guy, but I’m no vet) always seemed like a cooler version of the Trix Rabbit. And a Nesquik chocolate milk and an egg bagel with cream cheese takes me back to simpler times as a kid. But we’re not kids anymore. You know what chocolate milk and cream cheese does to me now? It has me reaching for some Pedialyte (please see above bodega battle for context). For the sake of my bowels, AriZona wins.

Winner: AriZona

SEMI FINALS

Gatorade vs AriZona: AriZona doesn’t come in Light Blue. When it does, we can revisit.

Winner: Gatorade 

Kombucha vs Coke: Last time I checked, this is ‘Merica. And in ‘Merica, we drive Ford trucks, eat apple pie, and drink Coca Cola.

Winner: Coke

Non-alcoholic beverages FINALS

Gatorade vs Coke: Two great drinks, but if it comes down to which would you rather have pre-, during, and/or post-BTSH, Gatorade’s the clear winner.

Winner: Gatorade

Cheap beer

QUARTER FINALS

Miller Lite If I was inviting Miller Lite to a day drink at my house he’d show up on time-ish, with two 30’s and maybe some chips. Overall nice dude who likes to party, unlike that asshole, Bud Light. You probably reach for Miller Lite more often than you think. It’s a classier and tastier alternative to Bud Light

VS

Rolling Rock If you think I’m going to be biased towards The Best Beer On The Planet and undercut my journalistic integrity then you are absolutely right. I can’t for the life of me understand why you people don’t like this beer. It’s crisp! It’s refreshing! It’s $3 at Doc Holiday’s! You can drink 20 and lightly black out and feel like a GOD. But I got outvoted on this so stupid Miller Lite wins

Winner: Miller Lite

White Claw Editor (Jess) Note: Both of these drinks are abominations. Before Matt writes this part, I just want to say I weep for gen Z Poutine when they read this.

Moving on. I was on the White Claw bandwagon Summer ‘17. I cracked my first Black Cherry pregaming for Boardy Barn, and it was pure bliss. Wait, an alternative-to-beer, 100-calorie drank available in all the fruity flavors I usually choose for Pixie Stix? Well bend me over a barrel and show me the 50 states, I’m in you son of a bitch.

VS

Bud Light“If only, if only the woodpecker sighs…” White Claws weren’t going up against Bud Light in this round. This is North Carolina vs. Duke. MIchigan vs. Ohio State. BTSHers vs. Skateboarders (formerly). If White Claw wasn’t going against the Mack Daddy of all light beer, this might be a runaway. But tough luck, they opened up a can of whoop-ass they can’t close and they’re getting the bull. Bud Light crushes this wave and surfs out to the next round.

Winner: Bud Light  

Modelo You know what Modelo translates to in English? Model. Yeah, I looked it up to be sure. And that’s exactly what you’re getting when you pick up a 12er to sip courtside. Light blue box, bold black lettering, and a gold trim to boot. If I didn’t Google Translate it, I’d think Modelo meant Salma Hayek.

VS

Tecate Featured prominently on a can of Tecate is a variant of the eagle from the Mexican flag. In my opinion, one of the coolest flags that exists. There’s an eagle eating a serpent on a cactus. Right up there with the flag of Mozambique (which has an AK-47 on it). But enough flag porn. Points for the eagle and how inexpensive the beer is at a bar. Points against for tasting like a soggy jockstrap.

Winner: Modelo

Heineken Gonna be honest, I think Heineken smells and tastes like pee. How I know that is not important. They typically tend to only be found in glass sixers, making them not so court friendly. To me, Heineken is so unimportant that I even skipped going to the brewery in Amsterdam.

VS

Coors Light Coors is everyone’s backup. It’s never what you exactly wanted but it still does the job. Also, the little mountains appearing on the can when it’s cold is genius. And Coors Field in Denver is pretty sick. You know what, as I’m writing this I’ve changed my mind. Coors is great. Coors is for nice people who like to party and not drink alcohol that smells like pee.

Winner: Coors Light

SEMI FINALS

Miller Lite vs Bud Light: Bud Light is the beer of the people, a beer for community, togetherness, and friendship. Bud Latte FOR THE WIN!

Winner: Bud Light

Modelo vs Coors: Last time I checked, this is ‘Merica. Shit, I already used that one. Editors’ decision…

Winner: Coors Light

Cheap Beer FINALS

Coors Light vs Bud Light: The Silver Bullet vs. The Blue Smoothie. After a decent debate amongst us, the winner is *rap air horns blasting* B-U-D L-I-G-H-T. It just feels right.  *the author is offended rolling rock was not included.

Winner: Bud Light

Savory Snacks

QUARTER FINALS

Cheetos As someone who went 23 years of their life without eating Cheetos, I can confidently say these things are the best. The variety of flavors, and textures are great. Although similar to Doritos, it’s easier to avoid the dreadful dust on your fingers.

VS

Lays Chips A budget-friendly alternative and something a little light to tide you over before you go in on a pizza or burrito, these are a quick hit snack. Unfortunately that’s all they’re really good for and I would not willingly stock my house with these as a ~fun snack~.

Winner: Cheetos

Jack Link’s “Feed Your Wild Side”. Enough said. The jerky can taste like a baseball glove, but if it has Sasquatch in the commercials and a slogan like that, I’m buying it. Plus it’s kinda healthy, right?

VS

Fritos The original Corn Chip. Is it corn? Is it a chip? Yeah, it’s a chip. Difficult to describe the tastes of flavored salt, but that’s pretty much what a Frito is. Let me walk you through every person’s experience when eating Fritos. First Frito: “Hmm, I forgot what these tasted like.” Second Frito: “Yeah, these are great.” 376th Frito: “Ok, that’s enough. Can’t wait to have these again in 2027.”

Winner: Jack Link’s

Snyder’s Pretzels This goes out to any mini pretzel, really. If you’re craving something salty and paper-thin chips won’t do it, pretzels are always there for you. That satisfying snap, the right amount of salt. Pretzels are an OG elementary school snack for a reason.

VS

Doritos Cool Ranch Do you want to be licking Doritos powder off a hand that was just inside of a hockey glove? Didn’t think so. NEXT.

Winner: Snyder’s Pretzels

Entemann’s Pop‘ems Glazed Doughnut Holes Ask yourself this: have you ever been able to stop yourself at 1 or 2 of these? Of course not. They’re willpower-bendingly delicious. Aptly named, you could pop them in your mouth until the entire box is gone.

VS

Cheez-Its Another snack I’m sure many of us have a hard time controlling ourselves with. If you don’t feel like a power bar, don’t want a full meal but are hungry post game, these tend to hit the spot.

Winner: Pop‘ems

SEMI FINALS

Cheetos vs Jack Link’s: Cheesy goodness against flavory and savory meat. Cheetos win this one for their weird styrofoam consistency and powerful cheesetastic punch.

Winner: Cheetos

Snyders Pretzels vs Pop‘ems: As good as pretzels are, you can rarely eat a whole bag in one sitting. With  Pop‘ems, you’re at least eating one box per sitting.

Winner: Pop’ems

Savory Snacks FINALS

Cheetos vs Pop‘ems: Two harcore nostolgia-invoking snacks. And while Cheetos are great, there are other cheezy, salty snacks out there. But whether you’re sober, drunk or stoned, you know you can’t help yourself when you indulge in the one and only Pop’ems.

Winner: Pop‘ems 

Sweet Snacks

QUARTER FINALS

Trolli Sour Brite Crawlers I bought a five-pound bag of these at Walmart once for a Bachelor Party and I think I single handedly ate about two-pounds of that in a day and a half. A lot of people think they’re coated in sugar, but that’s actually crack cocaine. And I shit you not, as I write this bit a Trolli commercial came on and it was extremely trippy, so please enjoy a five-minute candy-induced trip with Behind The Scenes magic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUg-jG1ZeaE

VS

Haribo Gummy Bears Actually called Golden-Bears on the bag. But, pssh, who has time to read the bag when you’re too busy devouring and decapitating these adorable little bears/putting them in sexual positions.

Just me? Got it.

Winner: Trolli Sour Brite Crawlers

Kit Kat Both of these are such classics, but Kit Kat has the edge with that amazingly satisfying crunch. Plus, their early advertising was iconic. PLUS there’s no better tool to decipher who is a psychopath than by seeing how someone eats one. If you don’t dismantle it chocolate brick by chocolate brick and bite into the entire thing like some sort of heathen, something is very wrong with you.

VS

Hershey Bar Don’t get me wrong, Hershey was one of the OG candy bars, but now that market is saturated. When was the last time anyone said “Gee, I’m really craving a Hershey Bar right about now” (besides Walker in 1945). It’s still great on s’mores and giving them out on Halloween makes you ‘The Cool House’ but you know what’s even cooler? Giving out Kit Kats.

Winner: Kit Kat

Reese’s Honestly, I’ve got no skin in the game as I don’t particularly like the combination of chocolate and peanut butter but much like Fox News, I am here for some FAIR and BALANCED journalism. Reese’s are a classic. But as someone who partakes in peanut butter, the ‘peanut butter’ in a Reeses is too sugary and granulated or too liquid and sickly sweet. I get it, it’s candy but do better, Reese’s.

VS

Snickers Probably some of the best in modern advertising campaigns (You’re not you when you’re hungry), Snickers is actually kind of satisfying. I’m not saying go use one as a full on meal replacement but if you want to eat something that actually resembles peanut butter, Snickers is the clear winner. Plus adding caramel? Genius.

Winner: Snickers

Sour Patch Watermelon These are the shiiiit. You can eat them like you would a real watermelon slice, or eat them like a normal person in one bite. Not only a great bodega snack, but also a top movie snack up there with Buncha Crunch and Twizzlers.

VS

Sour Punch Blue Raspberry Straws Blue Raspberry is the best artificial fruit flavor in the world. If you disagree, please address all complaints to youarewrong@gmail.com. Not only are Sour Straws the most commonly found candy wrapper you’ll see on the ground walking around NYC, but rumor has it, if you use it as a straw while drinking Mountain Dew, your eyes will melt and you’ll grow hair on the bottom of your feet.

Winner: Sour Punch Straw

SEMI FINALS

Trolli vs Kit Kat: Not every chocolate person likes sickly sweet milk chocolate. But every gummy person likes sickly sweet sour gummies.

Winner: Trolli

Snickers vs Sour Punch: While Snickers is a 360 degree candy bar, Sour Patch is just something you see and have seen everywhere. Which wrappers litter the streets of NY more?

Winner: Sour Punch

Sweet Snacks FINALS

Trolli vs Sour Punch: “Trolli. It’s a complete sour snack.” – Matt Russo

Winner: Trolli

Big 4: Trolli Crawlers, Pop‘ems Glazed Donuts, Bud Light, Gatorade (Light Blue duh)

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