BTSH Bodega Battle
By Jess and Russo
With the cancellation of sports (RIP March Madness) we wanted to give the degenerate gamblers of the league and those who miss the post-game hang outs the one thing that unites us all: a trip to the bodega before/after a game. Before we all know it, weâll be back to frequenting the 7-Eleven and other corner stores around the park but for now, leave your opinions at the door and adopt ours as the only correct ones. You may fight it out in the comments.
Non-alcoholic beverages
QUARTER FINALS
Red Bull This was like 90âs/early 2000âs crack that my 8 year old brain couldnât wrap her head around. And now that Iâm a fully-fledged adult, I can confirm itâs amazing when you need something short of a defibrillator but with more kick than coffee. Maybe youâve had a rough night and need something to take the edge off in the morning. Maybe your 2nd hangover is kicking in right when you get to the courts. You reach for a RedBull not because you want to, but because you need to or players like Glanzer will be kicking your ass up and down the court.
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Gatorade (Light Blue duh) First of all letâs get one thing straight: Gatorade is referred to by color and not flavor otherwise youâre a huge narc. Ah, Gatorade. Itâs crisp, itâs light, itâs delicious. The OG pedialyte. You drank this since 1st grade soccer practice and now you drink it as a grown ass adult chasing a ball around a blacktop. Whether youâre hungover, dehydrated or feeling tired, this bev has what you need to feel better with no crash later and that is why it will always be a timeless classic, a tried and true choice.
Winner: Gatorade
Essentia Electrolyte Water This shit is like the purest water ever. Oh, all water is alike? Thatâs where YOUâRE WRONG. Maybe sheâs incredibly hungover, maybe itâs the placebo effect, but when push comes to shove this water âhits differentâ as the kids on TikTok say (@ SBJ can you confirm, thanks). This fancy water is like the Gatorade equivalent of water.
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Kombucha I had kombucha one time when I was in Portland, Oregon and honestly, it wasnât that bad. You can even get buzzed if you drink enough. (I realize Iâve been making a lot of alcohol references and that is in no way pandering to our league.) But itâs good for your gut health and itâs tasty! Itâs like…healthy soda. Shout out to Mia for always having some on hand. If Iâm being honest, I can only justify shelling out a few extra dollars for Kombucha. Why would I drop 3 sweet extra dollars on fancy water when I could be spending it on pizza or a crispy rolling rock at Doc Holidayâs.
Winner: Kombucha
Coke The battle of the hangover remedies. In the red corner, Coca Cola. 12 fluid ounces of pure carbonated water, sugar, caffeine, and Columbian Bam Bam (Jk, they donât use booger sugar anymoreâjust coca leaf extract).
VS
Pedialyte And in the other corner, the ultimate 180 brand turnaround. Originally designed for baby-wabys with explosive diarrhea, the youth of america gave it the olâ college try and figured out all those bootiful electrolytes are great at aiding hangovers. Now available in Orange Breeze.
Two go in, one comes out. The winner by unanimous decision (aka me, Jess, and the peanut gallery: Scotty) Coke. Americaâs soda brand. Nice try Pedialyte, but include more polar bears in your Christmas marketing next timeâkids love that shit.
Winner: Coke
AriZona (Lemon) Iced Tea Most people grab a Snapple when theyâre jonesing for an iced tea. Those people would be wrong. I too once believed that Snapple was the superior iced tea, with their fun facts on the cap and unique name for their product. But you know what I want in an iced tea? A tea that tastes like the great state of Arizona. I mean, brewed right in the heart of Tucsonâwait, what?!?â âDon Vultaggio (Founder and Chairman) was actually trying to find a name as distinctive as âSnapple,â and chose Arizona after looking at a map and remembering his uncle moved there for his asthma.â (Gothamist.com)
Ok…moving on.
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Nesquik (Chocolate) I love the Nesquik rabbit. He (I assume itâs a guy, but Iâm no vet) always seemed like a cooler version of the Trix Rabbit. And a Nesquik chocolate milk and an egg bagel with cream cheese takes me back to simpler times as a kid. But weâre not kids anymore. You know what chocolate milk and cream cheese does to me now? It has me reaching for some Pedialyte (please see above bodega battle for context). For the sake of my bowels, AriZona wins.
Winner: AriZona
SEMI FINALS
Gatorade vs AriZona: AriZona doesnât come in Light Blue. When it does, we can revisit.
Winner: Gatorade
Kombucha vs Coke: Last time I checked, this is âMerica. And in âMerica, we drive Ford trucks, eat apple pie, and drink Coca Cola.
Winner: Coke
Non-alcoholic beverages FINALS
Gatorade vs Coke: Two great drinks, but if it comes down to which would you rather have pre-, during, and/or post-BTSH, Gatoradeâs the clear winner.
Winner: Gatorade
Cheap beer
QUARTER FINALS
Miller Lite If I was inviting Miller Lite to a day drink at my house heâd show up on time-ish, with two 30âs and maybe some chips. Overall nice dude who likes to party, unlike that asshole, Bud Light. You probably reach for Miller Lite more often than you think. Itâs a classier and tastier alternative to Bud Light
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Rolling Rock If you think Iâm going to be biased towards The Best Beer On The Planet and undercut my journalistic integrity then you are absolutely right. I canât for the life of me understand why you people donât like this beer. Itâs crisp! Itâs refreshing! Itâs $3 at Doc Holidayâs! You can drink 20 and lightly black out and feel like a GOD. But I got outvoted on this so stupid Miller Lite wins
Winner: Miller Lite
White Claw Editor (Jess) Note: Both of these drinks are abominations. Before Matt writes this part, I just want to say I weep for gen Z Poutine when they read this.
Moving on. I was on the White Claw bandwagon Summer â17. I cracked my first Black Cherry pregaming for Boardy Barn, and it was pure bliss. Wait, an alternative-to-beer, 100-calorie drank available in all the fruity flavors I usually choose for Pixie Stix? Well bend me over a barrel and show me the 50 states, Iâm in you son of a bitch.
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Bud LightâIf only, if only the woodpecker sighs…â White Claws werenât going up against Bud Light in this round. This is North Carolina vs. Duke. MIchigan vs. Ohio State. BTSHers vs. Skateboarders (formerly). If White Claw wasnât going against the Mack Daddy of all light beer, this might be a runaway. But tough luck, they opened up a can of whoop-ass they canât close and theyâre getting the bull. Bud Light crushes this wave and surfs out to the next round.
Winner: Bud Light
Modelo You know what Modelo translates to in English? Model. Yeah, I looked it up to be sure. And thatâs exactly what youâre getting when you pick up a 12er to sip courtside. Light blue box, bold black lettering, and a gold trim to boot. If I didnât Google Translate it, Iâd think Modelo meant Salma Hayek.
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Tecate Featured prominently on a can of Tecate is a variant of the eagle from the Mexican flag. In my opinion, one of the coolest flags that exists. Thereâs an eagle eating a serpent on a cactus. Right up there with the flag of Mozambique (which has an AK-47 on it). But enough flag porn. Points for the eagle and how inexpensive the beer is at a bar. Points against for tasting like a soggy jockstrap.
Winner: Modelo
Heineken Gonna be honest, I think Heineken smells and tastes like pee. How I know that is not important. They typically tend to only be found in glass sixers, making them not so court friendly. To me, Heineken is so unimportant that I even skipped going to the brewery in Amsterdam.
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Coors Light Coors is everyoneâs backup. Itâs never what you exactly wanted but it still does the job. Also, the little mountains appearing on the can when itâs cold is genius. And Coors Field in Denver is pretty sick. You know what, as Iâm writing this Iâve changed my mind. Coors is great. Coors is for nice people who like to party and not drink alcohol that smells like pee.
Winner: Coors Light
SEMI FINALS
Miller Lite vs Bud Light: Bud Light is the beer of the people, a beer for community, togetherness, and friendship. Bud Latte FOR THE WIN!
Winner: Bud Light
Modelo vs Coors: Last time I checked, this is âMerica. Shit, I already used that one. Editorsâ decisionâŚ
Winner: Coors Light
Cheap Beer FINALS
Coors Light vs Bud Light: The Silver Bullet vs. The Blue Smoothie. After a decent debate amongst us, the winner is *rap air horns blasting* B-U-D L-I-G-H-T. It just feels right. *the author is offended rolling rock was not included.
Winner: Bud Light
Savory Snacks
QUARTER FINALS
Cheetos As someone who went 23 years of their life without eating Cheetos, I can confidently say these things are the best. The variety of flavors, and textures are great. Although similar to Doritos, itâs easier to avoid the dreadful dust on your fingers.
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Lays Chips A budget-friendly alternative and something a little light to tide you over before you go in on a pizza or burrito, these are a quick hit snack. Unfortunately thatâs all theyâre really good for and I would not willingly stock my house with these as a ~fun snack~.
Winner: Cheetos
Jack Linkâs âFeed Your Wild Sideâ. Enough said. The jerky can taste like a baseball glove, but if it has Sasquatch in the commercials and a slogan like that, Iâm buying it. Plus itâs kinda healthy, right?
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Fritos The original Corn Chip. Is it corn? Is it a chip? Yeah, itâs a chip. Difficult to describe the tastes of flavored salt, but thatâs pretty much what a Frito is. Let me walk you through every personâs experience when eating Fritos. First Frito: âHmm, I forgot what these tasted like.â Second Frito: âYeah, these are great.â 376th Frito: âOk, thatâs enough. Canât wait to have these again in 2027.â
Winner: Jack Linkâs
Snyderâs Pretzels This goes out to any mini pretzel, really. If youâre craving something salty and paper-thin chips wonât do it, pretzels are always there for you. That satisfying snap, the right amount of salt. Pretzels are an OG elementary school snack for a reason.
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Doritos Cool Ranch Do you want to be licking Doritos powder off a hand that was just inside of a hockey glove? Didnât think so. NEXT.
Winner: Snyderâs Pretzels
Entemannâs Popâems Glazed Doughnut Holes Ask yourself this: have you ever been able to stop yourself at 1 or 2 of these? Of course not. Theyâre willpower-bendingly delicious. Aptly named, you could pop them in your mouth until the entire box is gone.
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Cheez-Its Another snack Iâm sure many of us have a hard time controlling ourselves with. If you donât feel like a power bar, donât want a full meal but are hungry post game, these tend to hit the spot.
Winner: Popâems
SEMI FINALS
Cheetos vs Jack Linkâs: Cheesy goodness against flavory and savory meat. Cheetos win this one for their weird styrofoam consistency and powerful cheesetastic punch.
Winner: Cheetos
Snyders Pretzels vs Popâems: As good as pretzels are, you can rarely eat a whole bag in one sitting. With Popâems, youâre at least eating one box per sitting.
Winner: Popâems
Savory Snacks FINALS
Cheetos vs Popâems: Two harcore nostolgia-invoking snacks. And while Cheetos are great, there are other cheezy, salty snacks out there. But whether youâre sober, drunk or stoned, you know you canât help yourself when you indulge in the one and only Popâems.
Winner: Popâems
Sweet Snacks
QUARTER FINALS
Trolli Sour Brite Crawlers I bought a five-pound bag of these at Walmart once for a Bachelor Party and I think I single handedly ate about two-pounds of that in a day and a half. A lot of people think theyâre coated in sugar, but thatâs actually crack cocaine. And I shit you not, as I write this bit a Trolli commercial came on and it was extremely trippy, so please enjoy a five-minute candy-induced trip with Behind The Scenes magic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUg-jG1ZeaE
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Haribo Gummy Bears Actually called Golden-Bears on the bag. But, pssh, who has time to read the bag when youâre too busy devouring and decapitating these adorable little bears/putting them in sexual positions.
Just me? Got it.
Winner: Trolli Sour Brite Crawlers
Kit Kat Both of these are such classics, but Kit Kat has the edge with that amazingly satisfying crunch. Plus, their early advertising was iconic. PLUS thereâs no better tool to decipher who is a psychopath than by seeing how someone eats one. If you donât dismantle it chocolate brick by chocolate brick and bite into the entire thing like some sort of heathen, something is very wrong with you.
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Hershey Bar Donât get me wrong, Hershey was one of the OG candy bars, but now that market is saturated. When was the last time anyone said âGee, Iâm really craving a Hershey Bar right about nowâ (besides Walker in 1945). Itâs still great on sâmores and giving them out on Halloween makes you âThe Cool Houseâ but you know whatâs even cooler? Giving out Kit Kats.
Winner: Kit Kat
Reeseâs Honestly, Iâve got no skin in the game as I donât particularly like the combination of chocolate and peanut butter but much like Fox News, I am here for some FAIR and BALANCED journalism. Reeseâs are a classic. But as someone who partakes in peanut butter, the âpeanut butterâ in a Reeses is too sugary and granulated or too liquid and sickly sweet. I get it, itâs candy but do better, Reeseâs.
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Snickers Probably some of the best in modern advertising campaigns (Youâre not you when youâre hungry), Snickers is actually kind of satisfying. Iâm not saying go use one as a full on meal replacement but if you want to eat something that actually resembles peanut butter, Snickers is the clear winner. Plus adding caramel? Genius.
Winner: Snickers
Sour Patch Watermelon These are the shiiiit. You can eat them like you would a real watermelon slice, or eat them like a normal person in one bite. Not only a great bodega snack, but also a top movie snack up there with Buncha Crunch and Twizzlers.
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Sour Punch Blue Raspberry Straws Blue Raspberry is the best artificial fruit flavor in the world. If you disagree, please address all complaints to youarewrong@gmail.com. Not only are Sour Straws the most commonly found candy wrapper youâll see on the ground walking around NYC, but rumor has it, if you use it as a straw while drinking Mountain Dew, your eyes will melt and youâll grow hair on the bottom of your feet.
Winner: Sour Punch Straw
SEMI FINALS
Trolli vs Kit Kat: Not every chocolate person likes sickly sweet milk chocolate. But every gummy person likes sickly sweet sour gummies.
Winner: Trolli
Snickers vs Sour Punch: While Snickers is a 360 degree candy bar, Sour Patch is just something you see and have seen everywhere. Which wrappers litter the streets of NY more?
Winner: Sour Punch
Sweet Snacks FINALS
Trolli vs Sour Punch: âTrolli. Itâs a complete sour snack.â – Matt Russo
Winner: Trolli
Big 4: Trolli Crawlers, Popâems Glazed Donuts, Bud Light, Gatorade (Light Blue duh)