BTSH as NFL Teams

With the NFL season underway, here is every BTSH team’s NFL counterpart…


Fresh Kills – (Patriots) – Probably the easiest comparison here. Always a contender, always replenishing their talent with random white guys who are created in a lab somewhere to dominate the league. Always lighting the lamp (69 goals, nice). Always bending the rules (SpyGate, DeflateGate, JamiesubbingastheirgoalieagainstthebutchersGate, etc.)

Rehabs  – (Seahawks) – One of the league’s toughest defenses, one of the league’s most vocal trash-talkers (Richard $h0wT!m3) and they have the championship ring to back it up. A team that nobody wants to play with their season on the line. Their only issue is a weak offensive line, a light shove and they seem to get pushed around the court.

Filthier – (Packers) – Led by arguably the best player in the league whose personal relationships are always front-page tabloid news. With a championship trophy on the mantel already, they’re hungry for one more.

LBS Inc. – (Broncos) – Solid defensive teams with a trophy case full of hardware from previous eras. Also worth mentioning that Denver’s star player, Von Miller, served a suspension for abusing “Adderall” a few years back, while I think Scott K. has an endorsement deal with Adderall.

Fuzz – (Falcons) – Despite having the league’s best offenses last year, a disappointing finish in the postseason for both teams. What’s even more disappointing is that they are both led by Disney movie villains


Disney Villains



Butchers – (Chiefs) – Each squad here has talent on both sides of the ball but can’t seem to take that next step. The similarities stop there as Andy Reid would never leave a full plate of wings uneaten but Rachel Greene can’t say the same.

Mathematics – (Texans) – Both led by Savages, both teams are middle-of-the-pack and capable of beating or losing to any team on any given week.

Sky Fighters – (Colts) – Both teams here are over-reliant on one player for their offensive production. However, if they can get clicking in October they are a team that no one wants to face, they could even be eh? ehhhh….

Gouging Anklebiters – (Titans) – Young talent gives both of these teams some promise down the road but right now they are still outside the top tier of teams.

Denim Demons – (49ers) – The Demons and 49ers have both lost a ton of talent the past few years and have gone from legitimate title contenders to cellar-dwellers. To their credit, the Demons have cleaned up their image this year and have had very few players have to take a knee on the sideline, except during the national anthem.

Denim Lives Matter



Corlears Hookers – (Cowboys) – A talented squad with championship aspirations. Cowboy ownership (Jerry Jones) allegedly has a thing for hookers and Hookers ownership (Cro) may or may not have a thing for cowboys. The similarities don’t stop there as Cro’s questionable morals and Big 10 ties have “many people saying” that he reminds them of a certain Cowboys running back.


Jerry Jones and his “Cro”nies


Cobra Kai – (Steelers) – A powerhouse of fantasy players; Liam, Will and Pete would all be picked in the top couple rounds of a draft just as Roethlisberger, Le’Veon Bell and Antonio Brown would be. Nabatz and L.J. are both key contributors and credit their hairstyles to Troy Polamalu. CK/Pittsburgh’s big offseason acquisition has been a huge help defensively (Campbell/TJ Watt) and some experts even having them going all the way to the title game.

Gremlins – (Buccaneers) – A common sleeper pick to make some noise this postseason. A solid 12-4-2 record this year (in a not-so-easy third division) has put the Gremmies on everyone’s radar. Mike Evans and Marcella Coulson both burst on the scene with 12 touchdowns and 8 goals respectively. Marcella’s last name is also what I say to everyone who tells me about their fantasy football draft that I don’t care about.

Instant Karma – (Bengals) – After showing some promise in the previous season (Karma as the #11 seed, Bengals 12-4 in 2015), a discouraging performance this year for both teams. IK posted the third-worst goal differential and will have to play their way into the big dance this postseason. Not to mention the most obvious similarity here…


Future Cincinnati Bengal…


Mega Touch – (Bills) – A couple of teams that are both due for some success. Also worth mentioning that Mega’s annual tradition of wearing the “jorts” uniform is a daily tradition for most residents of Buffalo.

Poutine Machine – (Vikings) – Ignoring both groups’ tendency to have a penchant for violence, the Vikings and Poutine seem to always end the season with surprisingly decent records. With only 39 goals on the season, Poutine needs to attack more using their sticks. Coincidentally, Minnesota gave Adrian Peterson the same advice.


The newest member of Poutine


What The Puck – (Lions) – Despite following football pretty closely I didn’t even remember the Lions making last year’s playoffs. WTP has an impressive +11 goal differential and 7-1-0 divisional record which has vaulted them into the #9 seed but will anyone remember in a year from now when Zac Hogg is a member of Fuzz?

Gut Rot – (Jaguars) – After a dismal 2016 season, Gut Rot bounced back with an impressive 17 points. It’s been a solid decade since Jacksonville has enjoyed any success but a win on Sunday over Houston in the Hurricane Bowl has given some hope to a long-tortured fan base.

Tompkins Square Riots – (Jets) – TSR was probably the least successful of this year’s riots and that’s saying something. It’s never good to be in the same company as the Jets, even Joe Namath (particularly alone and after a few drinks).  But hey they had the most fun!!!

Dark Rainbows – (Browns) – Not sure if this is more insulting of a comparison for Cleveland or the Rainbows. The Rainbows made history this year by going 0-17-1 but the good news is that as long as the Browns are around they will never be the worst color team around.

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