THIRD STAR
Spirit of the Tournament
by Isaac & JW

Team Boatsex doing team shotguns.

Did anyone witness that Team Boatsex show of unity by shot-gunning beers before one of their games?  That is what the day (and league) was all about.  Playing a laid back, low-key style of hockey while meeting new people and having fun doing it.  To understand that then look no further than Scotty K (more on him later), who was hyping up teams with his pre-game rants and providing helpful in-game commentary by instructing his teammates.  Big-ups to all who came out for some Sunday fun and contributed to making it a fantastic time.  The tournament was great…because of you.

(insert caption here)

And to everyone, such as myself, who needed the assistance of additional advil, a greasy breakfast, trenta iced coffee, or possibly even a walker to arrive at work on Monday morning, we salute you.

SECOND STAR
Justin M.
by the BTSH Media

This is Justin.

When it came time for him to draft his team, Justin did so with his heart, rather than with his head. Choosing people that he felt embodied everything that is great about BTSH over people that had a better chance of winning him the tourney, he went down the line, pick after pick, assembling a fun and spirited squad. As if this weren’t commendable enough, he also helped organize the tournament, reffed multiple games, AND when the garbage was all piled up at the end of the day with no bags…he went and bought garbage bags and handled all of it. And I mean HANDLED – rumor has it that his hands still smell like stale beer and rotten banana peels.

Justin, for getting what this tournament was all about (and what BTSH is all about) we here at the BTSH media award you 2nd star of the week.

FIRST STAR
Tournament Organizers
by Isaac

Tournament Organizers and Rich.

Enormous round of applause to all of the organizers (not named Rich) of the tournament!  They saw an opportunity to take advantage of one of our unneeded rain dates to create an event and turned it into one of the best ones we’ve ever had.  A lot work went into making the day a success.  The planning through hundreds of emails (some of them lengthy debates), creating multiple schedules with a point system, organizing conference calls, reaching out for volunteer refs (like Sam and Hicks who couldn’t play but helped out anyways), and coordinating efforts from open to close has earned them their rightful place as the First Stars of the Tournament.  Thank you!

And a special thanks to those that pitched in by arriving early to set up the courts and staying late to clean up the heaps of rubbish.  Beers to all of you

Honorable mentions:
by JW

Isaac, Rebel Scum – Isaac was miraculously able to get team shirts made in 2 days (?!). Much to the delight of his team he showed up to the courts with a brand new (and awesome) Rebel Scum jersey for each of his teammates. The rest of us were all suitably impressed, and jealous.

Scott K, Fire Starters – We all know Scott is a loud and enthusiastic guy (and we all love him for it)…..but he took it to another level for this tournament. I can’t think of 5 minutes during the day that I didn’t hear his voice at an incredible decibel level, from wherever I was in Tompkins. Whenever I saw him he was jumping up and down, pumping up his team, giving encouragement, and generally personifying what the tournament was supposed to be all about – fun.

My favorite part of reffing his team’s semifinal game was his coaching (see: yelling) to Jamie throughout THE ENTIRE GAME, ‘Jamie, get back!”, “Jamie, cover (insert the name of every player from the other team)!”, “Jamie, don’t let Ariel shoot on his forehand!!”.   Jamie was laughing about this the whole time, as was I.

Scott, your usual level is already an 11, thank you for bringing it up to a 12 for us on Sunday.

Team KamiKazin (by Hatr Steak) – the favorite heading into the tournament made short work of teams and earned the No. 1 overall playoff seed.  With an assist from the setting sun (and one of the refs) they won the 1st Annual JW yadda-yadda-yadda and took home the Care Bare Cup.

by Arya Stark

The field is oficially set for the Rain Day Tourney, aka the 1st Annual John Walker Invitational tournament.  Games will begin at 12:00 sharp although all are welcome to come early and help set up (in future news, no one showed up early).  Games will consist of two 20 minute halves; BTSH-style running time and BTSH-style rules.  Games will begin PROMPTLY at the designated time, regardless of who is out there so please be there on time or risk the wrath of your captain and your Sultan.  If anyone is interested in volunteering to ref any of the games please let us know ASAP.  The pay is zero and it’s unlikely anyone will thank you for your service, but we will appreciate it nonetheless.

Standings & Tiebreakers
Standings will be determined the same way as the Ocean City tournament:

1) Two points are awarded to the team scoring the most goals in each half.
2) One point is awarded to both teams if each score the same number of goals in a half.
3) Two points are also awarded to the team winning the overall match.
4) If the match ends in a tie, each team is awarded one point.
5) An additional point will be awarded for shutting out an opponent in a match (not half).

So, there are six points to be awarded in each game, plus a potential bonus point in the event of a shutout.  If two or more teams are tied in the standings, the following tiebreakers will be used in the following order:

1) Winner of the most head-to-head matches between teams tied in the standings.
2) Most match wins.
3) Highest goal differential.
4) Least goals against.
5) Coin toss conducted by JW, or Alex, or Zac, or Justin, but certainly not by Rich.

Schedule
The schedule was painstakingly devised over the course of a week.  How the creation of a schedule for a free one day tournament can warrant over 200 emails is anyone’s guess, but it is here and it is glorious.  Teams were randomly assigned slots and opponents.  Here is your official schedule:

12:00 – Tia Tia & Cult Jam v America (WEST)
12:00 – Team Fire Starters v Rebel Scum (EAST)
12:50 – Buzz v Team Boatsex (WEST)
12:50 – Cecil Harambee v BSA Cult Machine (EAST)
1:40 – Rebel Scum v America (WEST)
1:40 – Team Fire Starters v Tia Tia & Cult Jam (EAST)
2:30 – Buzz v BSA Cult Machine (WEST)
2:30 – Cecil Harambee v Team Boatsex (EAST)
3:20 – 4 v 5 Playoff Quarterfinal (WEST)
3:20 – 1 v 8 Playoff Quarterfinal (EAST)
4:10 – 2 v 7 Playoff Quarterfinal (WEST)
4:10 – 3 v 6 Playoff Quarterfinal (EAST)
5:00 – Playoff Semifinal (WEST)
5:00 – Playoff Semifinal (EAST)
6:00 – Championship (WEST)
6:00 – Third Place Game (EAST)

Afterwards there will be a trophy presentation at nearby bar with a high likelihood of adult language and strong sexual content.

Team Selection
Teams were selected on the evening of Thursday, September 14 at approximately 9:00 EST.  As per Justin M’s decree, two separate drafts were held: one for men and one for women.  An anonymous diary was found at the scene, covered in whisky and tears, as with all artifacts recovered from Fish Market.

8:09 – Leaving hockey scrimmage.  Meet Zac H’s parents.  What beautiful people.
8:14 – Walk by Fish Market.  Cro demands to go inside.  It’s the least shocking thing Cro has done since he went to the CVS at OC to buy cups and mixers and came back with the American flag.
8:16 – Cro goes to Fish Market.  Says he will text me because he wants to hang out later.  Translation: he wants to hit my vape pen.
8:20 – Walking home ready to do this draft.  I’m glad I can stop receiving an average of 70-80 emails per day about it.  Maybe I should check my phone though…
8:22 – Oh, in the 90 minutes I was playing hockey, I received an additional 27 emails about this draft and I just got three more in rapid succession from JW.
8:23 – Make that six more.
8:29 – Ok, one of these emails is actually announcing a blockbuster trade that just went down on the draft floor.  Glanzer has traded his first round pick (#5 overall) and his third round pick (#21 overall) for Justin’s #1 overall pick and his #49 overall pick. I wonder if this had anything to do with Gabe registering 40 minutes before registration closed…
8:41 – Glanzer tells me he is still deciding who to take with the #1 overall pick.  He receives the appropriate response.
8:59 – Conference call is underway; draft is about to start.
9:00 – In the most anti-climactic announcement since Charlie Sheen announced he has an STD, Rich takes Gabe with the #1 pick.  This is not-unexpected; Gabe is a former league scoring champion whose transition to defense moved Fresh Kills to just one concussion short of an undefeated season.
9:01 – With the #2 overall pick, Tia opts to solidify her back-end.  Not in the Kim Kardashian way, but by selecting a goalie, Tim K.  Murmurs of shock on the conference call as goalies were widely projected to start going at the end of the first.  Tia will either be hailed as a visionary or accused of jumping the gun on this one.
9:03 – Eli is ecstatic to pick up Ariel, who earlier in the day was the consensus #1 pick, at the 3 spot.
9:04 – Zac has the #4 pick but due to the rules of this draft has to use that pick on himself.  Hogg lobbies that he shouldn’t really be a first rounder but all those times he outlined all the goals that were taken away from him this season, on top of the 16 that were counted, come back to bite him in the ass.
9:05 – At pick #5, acquired from Sultan in the aforementioned blockbuster, Justin selects John Walker.  JW is super excited to be a top draft pick and franchise defenseman because it’s an awesome compliment and also because it means he will probably get a ton of playing time.
9:07 – Isaac “Media Baron” Stewart is positively ecstatic to land Will G at the 6 spot, but less excited when he learns Will is merely an excellent hockey player and not the star of his favorite movie Stepbrothers.
9:08 – Alex, in keeping with his own Asian heritage, uses the #7 pick on elite athlete Bill L as his offensive cornerstone.  Said Alex, “we are going for a team built on speed, hustle and the strong work ethic prized by the Asian culture.  Also, Cro has been hitting my vape pen and shouting ‘take Bill’ for over 15 minutes.  When has listening to that guy ever led anyone wrong?”
9:10 – Julie K is at the turn and uses back to back picks on Olivier and Scotty K.  Somewhere in Brooklyn, a noise complaint is filed because of an unidentified man in a Blink 182 shirt screaming references to fellatio.
9:14 – At pick #12 Glanzer goes off the board and savvily selects up-and-comer Avery E of the LBS.  Alex begins to openly weep and threatens to draft Rich’s mom as retribution (luckily a trade was consummated after the draft so Lois doesn’t have to play in this ridiculous tournament).
9:17 – Eli decides that between him and Ariel, his team definitely needs to get older and selects the ageless wonder Karsten P of the LBS, a Messier-like presence on the bench and BTSH’s all time leading goal scorer (how this is not more widely known is a mystery to me).  The tentative plan for Sunday morning is to meet up at 5:30 for the early bird special and discuss which of them voted for Walter Mondale.
9:21 – At pick #21 Zac “Ball” Hogg goes off the board with Brad P, stalwart defenseman for the Demons.  Comments on the conference call range from “great pick” to “who the hell is that” to “I think that’s the guy with the imaginary wife” (editor’s note: accurate).
9:26 – Glanzer selects Cro at #28, ensuring that their team will no doubt be the most well-liked and least controversial in the tournament.
9:29 – The run on goalies begins as Eli decides the ideal guy between the pipes on the back-end should be a guy who likes to lay pipe to back-ends himself and selects Mike Z with pick #30.  Somewhere in the Financial District, Alex is frantically trying to figure out who will supply his team with goaltending and with drugs.
9:30 – Tia takes Jerome at pick 31.  Rich joins Alex in the crying circle.
9:36 – Alex selects Jason ‘Rosie’ for his skill at hockey, his loyalty as a friend, and for the possibility of inspiring in-game speeches like this:

9:39 – The Sultan selects himself in round 6.  Everyone agrees this was at least five rounds too early despite the fact that there are only two rounds left in the draft.
9:41 – Rich selects Chadwick and proclaims him “easily the tallest guy in the league.”  Other captains quickly check to make sure they are not, in fact, playing in a basketball tournament.
9:43 – Julie selects Jamie to play as a forward.  She is quickly informed that if Jamie even looks at goalie equipment during the tournament she will be disqualified and may god have mercy on her soul.
9:45 – Rich informs everyone that Jeff has just texted him that he intends to play in the tournament and Rich wants to draft him.  A motion is brought to the floor to have Rich thrown in jail.
9:48 – The female draft commences.  Julie selects Tiffany Hagge at #1 and makes a comment about Shortis’ threepeat.  Draft is paused for widespread vomiting.
9:49 – Isaac is blurting/shouting out AMBER M! with the #3 pick at the same moment the host is asking for his pick.
9:50 – At pick #5 Zac selects Noelle who could not be reached for comment as she was in the midst of a “brief, relaxing 28 mile jog.”
9:53 – Eli selects Lauren J who, according to JW, “does not like the 80s or the board game Taboo and is therefore dead to me.”  Hockey analysts like Darren Dreger and Bob McKenzie agree that this is excellent justification to pan a draft pick.
9:54 – Hogg drafts Klion who celebrates by shotgunning a beer.  In reality she had no idea a draft was even taking place but just happened to be shotgunning at that very moment.
9:58 – The draft mercifully concludes at just under an hour.  Half the participants stay on the call to talk trades and discuss rosters.  The other half hang up without even saying goodbye, presumably to go on with their lives.
10:16 – Sultan decides to name his team America.  We are all looking forward to his spelling of this one.

And now, without further ado…your official rosters.

Team Fire Starters

Julie K (C)
Olivier B
Scott K
Alex R
Ryan M
Joe L
Josh W
Jamie B (not allowed to play goal or we riot)
Tiffany H
Courtney R
Claire W
Scott H (G)

Rebel Scum

Isaac S (C)
Will G
Pete D’A
Greg I
Bill M
Yuriy T
Wes H
Amber M
Danielle H
Allison B
Alexis N
Nicky B (G)

Tia Tia & Cult Jam

Tia L (C)
Pete G
Cory V
Hornswoggle
David F
Alfred L
Danny L
Greg Alt
Ryann G
Laura Mac
Cathy C
Tim K (G)

America

Sultan (C)
Gabe C
Kyle C
Cro
Alex EM
Bubba Ch@dwick
David B
Roxy G
Liz B
Jade B
Caitlin K
Dave GDR (G)

Buzz

Justin M (C)
John “+/-” Walker
Sam M
Eric H
$h0wT!m3
Rob B
Chris T
Brianna V
Liza W
Karon W
Mia J
David G (G)

Team Boatsex

Alex F (C)
Bling
Avery E
Brad P
Jason Rosie
Max T
Kevin Z
Charlotte McA
Emily M
Klion
Marisa C
Eitan L (G)

Cecil Harambee

Elly (C)
Ariel I
Karsten P
Michael R
Mike P
Teddy S
Karl S
Nicole H
LJ
Caroline W
Susie L
Sizzler (G)

BSA Cult Machine

Ball Hogg (C)
Brady C
Lee B
Adam R
Larry B
Evan S
Jon H
Noelle S
Kate M
Christina L
J-Po
Tim B (G)

Valar morghulis!

Hello Fuzz, Cecil(e) Harambe, Cheeky, America (my tournament team name) and degenerates.

The lovely and talented Diana M. really wants you to go to the prom! Tomorrow is the last day to purchase tickets at $25, otherwise it’s $30 at the door. So buy these tickets you cheapwads.

Prom goes well with hockey.

[Continue Reading…]

With the NFL season underway, here is every BTSH team’s NFL counterpart…

 

Fresh Kills – (Patriots) – Probably the easiest comparison here. Always a contender, always replenishing their talent with random white guys who are created in a lab somewhere to dominate the league. Always lighting the lamp (69 goals, nice). Always bending the rules (SpyGate, DeflateGate, JamiesubbingastheirgoalieagainstthebutchersGate, etc.)

Rehabs  – (Seahawks) – One of the league’s toughest defenses, one of the league’s most vocal trash-talkers (Richard $h0wT!m3) and they have the championship ring to back it up. A team that nobody wants to play with their season on the line. Their only issue is a weak offensive line, a light shove and they seem to get pushed around the court.

Filthier – (Packers) – Led by arguably the best player in the league whose personal relationships are always front-page tabloid news. With a championship trophy on the mantel already, they’re hungry for one more.

LBS Inc. – (Broncos) – Solid defensive teams with a trophy case full of hardware from previous eras. Also worth mentioning that Denver’s star player, Von Miller, served a suspension for abusing “Adderall” a few years back, while I think Scott K. has an endorsement deal with Adderall.

Fuzz – (Falcons) – Despite having the league’s best offenses last year, a disappointing finish in the postseason for both teams. What’s even more disappointing is that they are both led by Disney movie villains

 

Disney Villains

 

 

Butchers – (Chiefs) – Each squad here has talent on both sides of the ball but can’t seem to take that next step. The similarities stop there as Andy Reid would never leave a full plate of wings uneaten but Rachel Greene can’t say the same.

Mathematics – (Texans) – Both led by Savages, both teams are middle-of-the-pack and capable of beating or losing to any team on any given week.

Sky Fighters – (Colts) – Both teams here are over-reliant on one player for their offensive production. However, if they can get clicking in October they are a team that no one wants to face, they could even be Teytel-bound..eh? eh? ehhhh….

Gouging Anklebiters – (Titans) – Young talent gives both of these teams some promise down the road but right now they are still outside the top tier of teams.

Denim Demons – (49ers) – The Demons and 49ers have both lost a ton of talent the past few years and have gone from legitimate title contenders to cellar-dwellers. To their credit, the Demons have cleaned up their image this year and have had very few players have to take a knee on the sideline, except during the national anthem.

Denim Lives Matter

 

 

Corlears Hookers – (Cowboys) – A talented squad with championship aspirations. Cowboy ownership (Jerry Jones) allegedly has a thing for hookers and Hookers ownership (Cro) may or may not have a thing for cowboys. The similarities don’t stop there as Cro’s questionable morals and Big 10 ties have “many people saying” that he reminds them of a certain Cowboys running back.

 

Jerry Jones and his “Cro”nies

 

Cobra Kai – (Steelers) – A powerhouse of fantasy players; Liam, Will and Pete would all be picked in the top couple rounds of a draft just as Roethlisberger, Le’Veon Bell and Antonio Brown would be. Nabatz and L.J. are both key contributors and credit their hairstyles to Troy Polamalu. CK/Pittsburgh’s big offseason acquisition has been a huge help defensively (Campbell/TJ Watt) and some experts even having them going all the way to the title game.

Gremlins – (Buccaneers) – A common sleeper pick to make some noise this postseason. A solid 12-4-2 record this year (in a not-so-easy third division) has put the Gremmies on everyone’s radar. Mike Evans and Marcella Coulson both burst on the scene with 12 touchdowns and 8 goals respectively. Marcella’s last name is also what I say to everyone who tells me about their fantasy football draft that I don’t care about.

Instant Karma – (Bengals) – After showing some promise in the previous season (Karma as the #11 seed, Bengals 12-4 in 2015), a discouraging performance this year for both teams. IK posted the third-worst goal differential and will have to play their way into the big dance this postseason. Not to mention the most obvious similarity here…

 

Future Cincinnati Bengal…

 

Mega Touch – (Bills) – A couple of teams that are both due for some success. Also worth mentioning that Mega’s annual tradition of wearing the “jorts” uniform is a daily tradition for most residents of Buffalo.

Poutine Machine – (Vikings) – Ignoring both groups’ tendency to have a penchant for violence, the Vikings and Poutine seem to always end the season with surprisingly decent records. With only 39 goals on the season, Poutine needs to attack more using their sticks. Coincidentally, Minnesota gave Adrian Peterson the same advice.

 

The newest member of Poutine

 

What The Puck – (Lions) – Despite following football pretty closely I didn’t even remember the Lions making last year’s playoffs. WTP has an impressive +11 goal differential and 7-1-0 divisional record which has vaulted them into the #9 seed but will anyone remember in a year from now when Zac Hogg is a member of Fuzz?

Gut Rot – (Jaguars) – After a dismal 2016 season, Gut Rot bounced back with an impressive 17 points. It’s been a solid decade since Jacksonville has enjoyed any success but a win on Sunday over Houston in the Hurricane Bowl has given some hope to a long-tortured fan base.

Tompkins Square Riots – (Jets) – TSR was probably the least successful of this year’s riots and that’s saying something. It’s never good to be in the same company as the Jets, even Joe Namath (particularly alone and after a few drinks).  But hey they had the most fun!!!

Dark Rainbows – (Browns) – Not sure if this is more insulting of a comparison for Cleveland or the Rainbows. The Rainbows made history this year by going 0-17-1 but the good news is that as long as the Browns are around they will never be the worst color team around.

THIRD STAR
Alexa from Fuzz
by Isaac

In between hiking the volcanoes of Hawaii’s islands and enjoying the pleasures of beachside massages, Alexa found time to send out the Week 18 ref form to ensure refs were assigned for each of our games. Now, I don’t know about you, but if I’m on my honeymoon, I’d punt that job to someone else. Perhaps after last year’s fiasco when Zach and Diane handed those duties over to Rich, who then assigned Schuie to ref his own game, Alexa thought better of it and continued to do the great job she’s done all season. Aloha! (And MAU HOOHIWAHIWA!!!)

SECOND STAR
Nicole from Instant Karma
by Clavvicle

The Ottawa Senators signed the wrong Ceci. If you haven’t heard of Nicole, you’re blind, never mind the mixed metaphor. Karma’s vivacious Vulcan vixen beat Gut Rot’s goalie Ed with a blast from the blue line to ignite an unexpected blowout. It was her first BTSH goal, and we’re sure it won’t be her last. And even if it were, her contributions in energy, entertainment, and other en-tangibles put her toe-to-toe with any scorer you can throw our way. In the waning minutes of the match, Gut Rot robbed her of the game winning goal, but that’s no matter, because in every game she wins our hearts.

FIRST STAR
Cheeky for Prom’ing Hard
by Isaac

Hype for the BTSH 80’s themed prom is swelling with anticipation and BTSHers are working hard to lock down dates. But no one, and we mean NO ONE is doing it harder or more creative than our new league treasure, Cheeky. To the tune of an 80’s classic sports movie, and using other BTSHers as props, she shot gunned a Bud Light, benched 200 lbs., ripped off her sleeves, and flexed the prom question to Sultan (all while keeping it safe by wearing a helmet). And our Sultan accepted.

Honorable mentions:

Sarah TZ from Fuzz for running an all day fundraiser for the Each Annual Children’s Hope (EACH) to raise money for a great cause. We may tip our hats from time to time to drunken fools who pull off amazing feats (see First Star), but when one of our own is making a positive difference it definitely deserves recognition.

Soko, Roxy, Barch and all of Fresh Kills who completed a historic season by collecting an astounding 35 out of 36 possible points. Without a doubt they are entering the 2017 playoffs as favorite to win the PBR Cup.