It’s back!  The annual event (kind of) you’ve been saving your sick days for.  The 2017 BTSH Olympics is next Sunday, July 30^th!  The mayhem begins around 7 pm at the Parkside Lounge (corner of E Houston and Attorney St) and goes until Glanzer hits the floor or they toss us out.

Your favorite events (over the top arm wrestling, chugging, bar napkin love poem, two girls one cup, and many more) are back this year and possibly a couple new ones (stay tuned for more).  There will also be drink specials and food provided.

So mark your calendar and make Monday morning arrangements now.  It’ll be another epic one to remember.

Disclaimer: taking pictures or recording video is prohibited.  (Take mental pictures, Jamie.)

And now your regularly scheduled previews…

Mathematics at Instant Karma
by JW

This game is really about who shows up. Word on the street is that Isaac is still sick. He missed all the fun Sunday as he was stuck in bed watching reruns of Small Wonder. Will he make it this week? Pete retired but then showed up for the very next game, so…who knows? Sam and Chadwick may just skip the game and hang out on the terrace instead. Nicole rolled her ankle last week and may not be able to play. Michelle broke her finger.

Isaac may join them on the terrace, too. Is anyone playing in this game?

(Actually, shit, as I am writing this I’m realizing that both these teams are falling apart. Maybe I should change my narrative.)

Nope, I’m sticking with it. It’s about who shows up (not who is horribly injured).

It’s also about 2 incredibly nice sets of siblings. The Vernoias and the Norriseseses. Brianna and Cory light up the courts with their smiles, however…..Sam lights up goalies. Zach and Becky won’t even make this game but for the purpose of my preview I will pretend that they will. Hell, let’s even say Becky scores one, with an assist from Zach.

But what really happens is Sam scores 3, for his first hat trick of the year.

Prediction: In the battle of nice siblings both these teams are big winners, but on the rink it’s all Math. 5-1

Cobra Kai (L/W/W/W/?) at Denim Demons (L/W/L/L/?)

By Jerome

Presumably Will’s impatience for the box scores is indicative of an antsy feeling of “where the f are we in the standings because we won last Sunday”. At least that’s how I would feel. Also, if I were thriving in the annual survivor pool, maybe I’d be clamoring at JW and the Sultan to be timelier with these things.

According to the phantom Box Scores, Mike T now plays for the Demons. Initial reports confirm that Olivier is not taking this transfer well.

The Dojo has been on the uptick, handily winning four out of five (prior to W12). A restructuring Demons outfit will possibly be no challenge to our camo crew, but when one compares a team with the weight of maintaining success between a team being flexible and searching for identity, the pressure falls on the former team. Altman may be overly proud of his soldiers, but he doesn’t realize that having to claw [to continue] to be at the top of the Katz Division is a constant struggle with the Gremmies and Hookers. Conversely, Adam and his associates dwell at the feet of the division above, but we all know they’re quite close-knit—most, if not all of them, are Jewish—and are simply enjoying one another’s company.

Prediction: I would certainly expect The Dojo to be hustling for goals right away, and Rosen from the Demons will have to try to settle the onslaught and quarterback any offensive campaign. Hopefully Brian K. will emerge from his absence to accompany JR on the wing and help himself to another hatty, because he did that in his most recent appearance. Even if he surprisingly repeats, though, it may not be enough to hold the strike trident of The Dojo’s Will, Liam, and Lauren. Altman’s aces by two.

Tompkins Square Riots (L/L/W/W/?) at Fuzz (L/L/W/W/?)

By Jerome

With Dave Gil de Rubio immortalized into BTSH history books by having an entire conference eponymously named, I assume there is a fire burning in him to become a brick wall for the rest of the season. Think of the Soul Society arc in the Bleach series where Ichigo undergoes his training to achieve the final, highest level (bankai) with his sword; discovering that new level meant unleashing a lot of power from within. If you’re not an anime otaku, think of Dave GDR’s evolution like a fine wine; he gets better as he ages. Also, the dedication to put on all the goalie gear in spite of the humidity is unreal.

In the highest echelon of the league—interestingly in a conference named after the dude above—Fizz and our newly chosen Sultan are infighting over what’s mathematically considered .500 (well, maybe only one Fuzz player and Walker). But the train whose colors mirror the Seattle Seahawks has been slowing down, even after the win in W11 as the Sultan tried to return home with more winnings than Michael Ruane (he’s actually the brother-in-law of one of my schoolmates, fun fact). This doesn’t mean that Richie’s kids don’t lack the talent: Jeff and Alexa are an exemplary couple that contributes on both sides of the court, Miles scores boatloads of goals, and Hicks… well, he’s there and he tries to make opponents’ worlds a living hell. Whether or not this team considers itself .500, they are (as of W11) -1 in goal differential, and they should desperately be feeling that they should be on the plus side, forthwith.

Like Mr. Ruane, Glanzer until recently had lived a life of BTSH obscurity.

Prediction: Should all the necessary players show up for Fuzz on Sunday (that’s a message for Gil’s son and Gil’s son’s dad as well), they could rack up another W. But if we’re convinced that Macneil could make up a better rally speech than Rich, the rest of the league could witness an upset. In the meantime, I predict Fuzz victorious by two

Sky Fighters (W/L/W/L/?) at Mega Touch (L/W/W/L/?)

By Jerome

The Teytelbaums (sans Infanti, sadly) severely frustrated the Demons last week netting four in the first half (I was preparing for my own game during their second half, so I didn’t pay attention for the rest of that game). But maybe life without Martin isn’t bad at all, because this new generation of European firepower has emerged. No one forgets Kuci’s presence because he plays like a central defender but at mid-court, imposing and maneuvering.

I have no idea what happened between Mega Touch and Cobra Kai, but it seems our jort-flaunting jewels sought to be pushovers with Alex EM finishing the game nearly zombie-fied. Yes, a bloodied and not smiling father of one after a seemingly comfortable Sunday afternoon beer/social league matchup. If that’s the type of work you’re giving week in, week out for your team—with the willingness to shed your own [clichéd] blood, sweat, and tears—I hope you succeed all the time. Two wins in your last four is par for the course, but your teammates (ahem, Alok, Brady, Yuri) need to jump into the mix and get bloody as well.

Prediction: The guys and gals in blue have a speed game: running, passing, and shooting. What LBS, Inc. hoped to achieve this season is actually what we’re seeing with legend Hopper’s squad. They’re sure to dominate this match, which means Julie and the rest will have to be behind the ball a lot. They mustn’t be afraid to step up, block shots, swing sticks (legally), and keep plays to the outside. But the Fighters will likely take at least two on them, if they leave Roman unmarked

Gouging Anklebiters (OT/L/L/L/?) at Corlears Hookers (W/L/OT/W/?)

By Jerome

Week 12 was easy for one team, but not the other. Schuie’s stooges likely fell to Filthier (but thanks to the scoreman, we don’t know by how much); Putka’s platoon likely quashed Chadtrick and his Karma kids. So it’s clear that, in the middle of this seven-game run, the momentum will stop—or continue, depending on who you are—for either one or both of these teams.

Arguably our all-stars from both sides are the foci for the matchup, though we can’t discount how our goalies fare out as well. Courtney B. and Tiffany are both powerhouses for their respective teams, and I’d say we’ve got a battle between Pro (10+ goals) and Cro (6) in the front. Longwell against Bubblebath/Brown will be epic, but Longwell could have the advantage if he dons the skirt, thus increasing the aerodynamics/agility/smoothness of lateral movements.

Prediction: Longwell indeed wears the skirt and stonewalls everyone. The Biters’ secondary scorers (Worky, Alex D.) will contribute to the scoresheet, but they’ve forgotten about Bill’s ability to infiltrate opponents’ zones. Hookers triumph by three

Rehabs at Gut Rot
by JW

Ok, we all know that in the past this game would have been a “Stop! Stop! He’s already dead!” situation. However, Gut Rot has changed since then (though not in terms of partying, I went out with them Friday night and I haven’t seen that much tequila disappear since Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of The Great Tequila Theft. Dammit, the millennials don’t get this reference……again).

So, how exactly have they changed?  They added a new goalie, my buddy Ed, who is cool and collected between the pipes. They also added a few new players. Becca brings as much skill as she brings energy and humor, and that’s a lot. Hannah’s hijinks are rivaled only by Becca, and she is a solid player in her own right. And Ramon……ok, I don’t know Ramon.

Meanwhile, the Rehabs haven’t changed at all this year. They are still a well-oiled machine who crushes teams while barely breaking a sweat. They did lose last week, but that’s only because they played Fresh Kills, who never lose…….ever. Blandi is now the oldest guy on the team, at 67. Most of them are 22 years old and possibly clones or cyborgs built solely for the purpose of dominating at hockey. These robotic clone overlords are all modeled after Alex M., who leads the pack. Their goaltending is stellar even if Ramirez and Hect aren’t in the net at the exact same time. The only thing that might give the ‘Habs trouble this week is if Sena is still picking up trash in the park and can’t play. When I left her she was neck-deep in cardboard and beer-soaked plastic bags and calling out to me for help. Sorry Sena, I love you but I had to save myself.

We’ll miss you, Sena.

So, what wins this game?  Is it change, or more of the same?

Well, Akhil’s scoring streak may have to produce many goals in ONE game if Rot wants to win this one.

Prediction: 4-1 Rehabs, as the song remains the same.

Poutine Machine at Fresh Kills
by Isaac

This is one of the more interesting games of the day. At a quick glance you would overwhelmingly write it off as another win for Soko (congrats on the Division name, bud!) and his Kills. Their high-powered offense of Rush and Connor, balanced with Roxy’s stout defense, has earned them a squeaky clean record this season.

Game may want to consider playing up in this one.

But take another look and you’ll notice that Poutine is the type of caliber team worthy of playing in a higher division. How, you ask?  Well, for starters, they have enjoyed success all season against offensively strong teams like Fresh Kills. They slow down opponents by playing a Tortsie-style of game by disrupting the neutral zone with Natalie’s pinching and Mikey leaning in to win loose balls. Never let your guard down against them.

Prediction: Poutine leads at halftime, but Fresh Kills steps on the accelerator in the second and races to a 7-1 victory

Gremlins at Butchers
by Arya Stark

Gremlins’ All-Stars 2017

Two of the most perennially underrated teams in the league face off Sunday when the 7-4 Butchers take on the 8-3 Gremlins.  The Butchers are currently riding a six game winning streak and haven’t lost a game since April.  David’s been scoring, Arthur’s been defending, MDF has ads on Facebook, Craigslist and OKCupid for a missing glove connection – what’s not to like?  But the Gremlins are no pushovers; consider that just their top two guys and top two girls have a combined 30 goals, more than 11 teams in this league have for the entire season.  The key to this matchup will be goaltending where Jamie and Tim are likely to be relied upon more than usual in what may turn into a shootout.

Prediction: Butchers are firing on all cylinders and keep the streak alive 5-4.

LBS, Inc. at What The Puck
by Arya Stark

What The Puck, fresh off a blowout victory over the Dark Rainbows, rolls into Poundtown Sunday at 2:15 in an attempt to give Emily a 30^th, er 29^th, birthday to remember.  To do so she’ll have to neutralize her future roommate Roberts’ speed, tenacity and potential to celebrate like a savage.  If Zac (4th in league scoring) makes it back from Canada in time and WTP can control possession, they may have a chance to pull the mini-upset.

LBS have had an up and down season thus far.  Impressive wins over Rehabs, Fuzz, and Filthier put them in the upper echelon of the league but they’ll need more week-to-week consistency to be a true championship threat.  The question is, when will they turn it on?  Karsten and Scott the kid have carried the mail on offense so far and the goaltending has been solid despite some early stumbles.  Can they keep it up?  Who will they start in goal?  Will the kid have any sleeves?  What does a horseshoe do?  Are there any horse socks?  Is anybody listening to me?

Prediction: LBS start gearing up for the stretch run, bring their A game, win 6-3, pop champagne and watch Emily assault Roberts.  Quality Sunday.

Filthier at Dark Rainbows
by Isaac

Location, location, location.

In the past two seasons the Rainbows have been Filthier’s kryptonite.   Shutting them out once in the regular season and almost knocking them out in the playoffs. There’s something about these feisty pink people’s that simply give Filthy the heebie jeebies. Perhaps it is their always ‘can-do’ attitude and whatever Tia is lacing those snacks with (you saved some for me, right?). If they can slip a few past Tim K in the first, then we’re in for quite a good showing this Sunday.

Prediction: Rainbows have some of the dopest players in the league, but this game ends early in the second half with Filthy climbing to 10 quick.