By Rachel K

Third Star(s): THE BIRTHDAY BOYS AND GIRLS

Enjoy your b-day present from Dave GDR, because he won’t let that happen again.

This week was birthday-palooza at BTSH. Olivier held a b-bday brunch, Ali and the LBS tore up postgame margs, and Richie Glanzer & Brian Sullivan (Alert) threw down at Ace well into the night (well ok, I’m assuming that because I had to call myself an Uber home at the tender hour of 10pm). Special shoutout: BSA not only scored himself a birthday goal, but was kind enough to co-host a birthday with Rich Glanzer. Just kidding, Richie! Sully gets some extra love because he spent his birthday party stonecolding 2 Miller High Life’s at a time, which is a hero move. Maybe it was the beer goggles, or the fact that everyone was back at Ace, but the Glanzer/BSA b-day bonanza was some good old fashioned BTSH revelry. Cheers to everyone who showed up and got weird! (And also, did you by chance pick up a brown Patagonia fleece? Asking for a friend…)

Second Star: Dave (Butchers)

It took some time, but we were finally able to slow down the footage from Sunday to catch this freeze-frame of Dave.

Dave scored BOTH of the Butcher’s 2 goals by outhustling the Rehabs defense and scoring on breakaways in a close game that ended in a shootout. THEN he then went on to score the shootout winner. For proof of that kid’s wheels head on over to the FB fan page and check out Tia’s video.

First Star: Zac H (WTP)

All four of his goals were scored with a full bladder.

A hat trick usually guarantees you a star, but Zac must have been determined to make it on here as he netted not 3, but FOUR goals, which launched him onto the Top Scorer board. Word on the street is that Emily found him wandering the streets of Ottawa and plied him with the promise of booze and American women who love hockey. Last week the 3 stars writer interviewed one of the stars, but I chose the lazy route of paraphrasing somebody else’s interview with him! In my creepiest journalistic efforts yet (thanks, Google), here are some fun facts about this not-so-well-known rookie:

  • He played goalie for Ottawa West’s Provincial team in the Ontario Junior ball hockey championships in 2009
  • If he could have one superpower, it would be to slow down time
  • He loves cereal!

Honorable Mentions:

Cody (Gremlins) – Cody had ANOTHER hat trick, but he was on the last 3 stars so…sorry bud, gotta spread em around.

Matt Work (Anklebiters) – Also had a hattie! Nice work, Worky!

My liver – this is why we can’t have nice things.

Butchers 3-2 Rehabs Final(SO)
Butchers: David St-Jules x 2 (4)
Rehabs: Cherie Stewart (5), Joey Batista (8)
Shootout: Winner by David St-Jules
Goalie Win: Tim Burke (3)
 
Gut Rot 1-4 Corlears Hookers Final
Gut Rot: Akhil Mehta (1)
Corlears Hookers: Danilo Biagioni (3), Bill Ling (4), Brian Cronauer x 2 (6)
Goalie Win: David Greenwald (via Dark Rainbows)
 
What The Puck 6-0 Dark Rainbows Final
What The Puck: Eric Higger (6), Zac Hogg x 4 (7), Paul Picinich (2)
Dark Rainbows:
Goalie Win: Peter B (via Free Agent)
 
Filthier 2-3 Fresh Kills Final(SO)
Filthier: Ann Mathews (4), James Pereira (5)
Fresh Kills: Connor (7), Frank Salituro (2)
Shootout: Winner by Ariel Imas
Goalie Win: Patrick Barch (6)
 
Gremlins 8-3 Instant Karma Final
Gremlins: Maire Lane (3), Cody Capps x 3 (8), Ryan Mills (2), Erich Graham x 2 (10), Marcella Coulson (3)
Instant Karma: Unknown Unknown (via ), Cory Vernoia x 2 (3)
Goalie Win: Jamie Batuwantudawe (5)
 
Denim Demons 1-3 Sky Fighters Final
Denim Demons: Unknown Unknown (via )
Sky Fighters: Olivier Brassard (2), Michael Teytelbaum x 2 (10)
Goalie Win: James Stein (2)
 
Fuzz 1-5 LBS Inc. Final
Fuzz: Steve Accardo (1)
LBS Inc.: Karsten Pichon (6), Scott Kaston x 3 (9), Dustin Shutes (1)
Goalie Win: Mike Zisser (via Free Agent)
 
Gouging Anklebiters 4-3 Mathematics Final
Gouging Anklebiters: Matthew Workman x 3 (5), Becca Cohen (via Gut Rot)
Mathematics: James Bobber (2), Jon Meyer (5), Eli Kazin (3)
Goalie Win: Tim Brown (3)
 
Poutine Machine 3-0 Tompkins Square Riots Final
Poutine Machine: Brian Sullivan (4), Mike Pelts (4), Mike Marron (4)
Tompkins Square Riots:
Goalie Win: Scott Heese (5)
 
Mega Touch 1-4 Cobra Kai Final
Mega Touch: Jon Hanson (1)
Cobra Kai: Peter Gallina x 2 (4), Will Green (5), Tom Lambertsen (1)
Goalie Win: Campbell Weaver (5)
 

By BTSH Media Writers

Denim Demons at Sky Fighters

Smile boo, it’s your birthday!

The Sky Fighters will be in a festive mood Sunday as they arrive to the courts from Olivier’s birthday brunch party.  Powered by carbs, protein and mimosas, the Fighters will be too numb and lethargic to notice the beating they’ll be taking.  Just kidding – mimosas don’t dull one’s senses they only enhance them.  Yeah, they’re going to feel this…

But don’t ask the Teytelbaum brothers to smile or partake in the festivities.  They don’t’ celebrate the birthdays – they create the birthdays.  Boom.

You can’t even finish saying the word Party without Jenn and Tracy’s ears perking up.  They’ve transformed the Demon’s culture over the past two seasons from dirty-chirpers to the new league fun-bunch.  Even the Rosen that plays defense (not saying the other doesn’t back-check) has bought into the new system.

Prediction: Both teams discover their scoring touch and Mia gets on the scoreboard late to send this one to overtime with Caroline scoring the OT winner.  6-5 Sky Fighters.

Fuzz at LBS, Inc.

Rich is hoping to play some Skeetball at Ace on Sunday to celebrate his birthday and a Mathematics win!

Watching Rich enjoy his birthday party (starting at 3 pm at ACE bar (shameless plug), even though Rich wont’ be attending until after 5:30 pm) is like watching Michael Scott on Free Soft Pretzel day at the Office.  He has little patience for lines, wants all the toppings, rocks out to his favorite high school song (Jive Talkin’ by the Bee Gees) and soon after needs to be put down for a nap.  With Eric R unable to ensure Rich gets home safe it will be up to Alexa and Ryann to roll him onto the LIRR.

If you’ve seen that movie before, then head on over to Manitoba’s to celebrate Ali’s birthday with LBS instead.  Luke will be accepting all challengers at a game of air hockey, Scott will be performing his latest solo act on stage and Klion and Roberts will be car-bombing all evening.

Prediction: Jeff doesn’t yell at Rich (too much) and the Fuzz find a way to help him avoid -2 with Hicks scoring on Richiepoothang’s last shift.  Fuzz get back on track, 5-2.

Gouging Anklebiters (OTL/L/W/W/W) at Mathematics (W/W/L/W/L), Tompkins West, 1630

Nearly 20 years of combined service in goaltending and still, Craig and Tim prove to hold their own (especially Craig with his liquor). They’re getting help from overall league-leading scorer Probert, whose drive to light goalies up isn’t declining at the moment. Both factors have given Honorary GM Schuie’s squad a beautiful upswing.

Likewise, Math has been holding its own, too; it’s even above the Anklebiters in the standings. With Rebecca spending her first full season after being overseas, Math hopes that her presence restores in full the Norri swagger and gameplay that we once saw before the team “got screwed” back in 2014. If Eli’s 112 physicality rating holds true, we’ll continue to see them sitting atop the division. Also, I’m hoping for them to wear the orange Mets tribute swatch, because I personally like it.

Prediction: Strong goaltending from both sides means that this will be a low-scoring thriller. Math has the 5 th –lowest GA, so it will take more than just a “Probing”! If none the Anklebiters can put more than one past Liang, I expect that Langer or Justin P., along with one from the Norris clan, can give Math the formula for two points.

Poutine Machine at Tompkins Square Riots 

It’s the game Walker can’t stop jerking off over. A 4th division team beat a first division team. Of course I’m referring to when Poutine stunned the BTSH world and beat the Lbs. Well I wasn’t stunned by any game last week because unlike JW, I realize Gut Rot was .500 in 2015, had no goalie in 2016, and now that they have a goalie, are good again. As for Poutine, it’s a travesty they are in the lowest division. They are too good and I can’t wait to join them in 2022 and win another championship with Jerome.

But let’s focus on this Sunday. Hey did you hear, it’s (Brian Sullivan Alert) Brian Sullivan’s birthday week! Make sure you go to Ace and not Double Wide or Hi-Fi for a week. For Poutine, Natalie O’ is helping *piggyback* the offense along with Teddy, who scored a huge goal from the blue line vs. the Lbs. Scotty has only given up 14 goals in 6 games, and has been a key figure in why Poutine is in first place in the former Greene Division.

As for the Riots, Dave will give up 7 goals and play terribly. Jennifer is the best girl in the league that nobody knows. (I think its Jennifer, though maybe it’s someone else? Anyway they have one girl who is just as good as many of the top girls who everyone knows. I mean not Cherie/Sena/Sara level, but up there) Scott, Jaclyn, Spencer, some dude or dudette named BR makes Dave’s life easier, yet he still gives up 8 goals a game on average.

Prediction: Now I get that Dave really doesn’t give up that many goals, but I like when he gets pissed off on Facebook so I’m going to go with 9-1 Poutine. Nice goal BR! If I wasn’t trying to piss off Dave I’d say 3-2 Poutine and Dave plays well as usual. But 9-1 is ….nah 10-1 is more fun. Charlotte gets a secondary assist on one of BSA’s 4 birthday goals.

Other Prediction: I beat Boylan, Julie (as always), Suz and one of the Herr sisters…probably Cheeky in Skee*T*Ball. Boylan suffers unimaginably consequences for losing. Julie retires never to play again. Sena beats me but the game isn’t sanctioned so it doesn’t count. Come to ACE!!!!!!

Hockey Night in Tompkins (National Telecast)

Mega Touch (L/L/L/L/L) at Cobra Kai (L/W/W/W/L), Tompkins West, 1730

It seems we’ve reached the end of the world as we know it: the Cubs winning the World Series last year, the Red Wings failing to make this year’s Stanley Cup playoffs, the Patriots winning consecutive Super Bowls, and in the NYC street hockey circuit, Gut Rot having a winning record (not that the last one is a bad thing).

Yuri’s been feeling it lately, but can he solve CK’s Campbell?

But Mega Touch being winless thus far is something that leaves us BTSH media people aghast because it’s quite uncharacteristic. The mindset should be that this matchup with Cobra Kai is winnable if the leadership of Julie, Alex, and Alok rightly steers the crew to strike opportunistically. Plus, if Alex’s socks are bright enough, the path to victory may already be paved.

The Dojo has had a season under the radar, and maybe that’s the way they like it. Without warning they’ll sweep the leg and “strike first, strike hard, [and] show no mercy”. Perhaps last week’s loss against the Anklebiters can be written off, but conceding the game this week to Mega Touch’s poor form would be a disappointment. That’s why scoring first and early while demonstrating high levels of tenacity may ruin the opposition’s momentum.

Expect Will, Liam, Rachel, and Lauren to provide a high tempo at the outset, with Campbell Weaver holding strong between the pipes for The Dojo. Alex and Julie have been the primary scorers for Mega Touch, but finding secondary scoring is imperative for success, meaning players like 2015 BTSH All-Star (and very recently, FB comment all-star) Brady are needed for that extra push, which the jort-wearing bunch is looking for.

Prediction: At the end of the day, Cobra Kai might take the game after regulation. Whatever the result, we hope that both teams bring enough girls for Glanzer’s “birthday party”.

By BTSH Media Writers

Butchers (L/W/L/L/W) at Rehabs (W/L/W/W/W), Tompkins East, 1300

Burke’s got his work cut our for him in this game.

Don’t let the last five games for the Butchers fool you. Two of their three losses came from teams in the better conference (go ahead and roll your eyes), and no loss was a blowout. The Rehabs, conversely, have been cruising through six weeks without a serious hiccup, with their only loss to Bob “Olmec” Weyersberg’s old team, Fresh Kills, who still haven’t faced a regulation loss. Just goes to show how strong the top teams really fare out this season.

With the top female scorer (Cherie “Go Ducks!” Stewart) as well as the #4 top male scorer to date (Joey “Fodas-se Benfica” Batista), the Rehabs are likely to seize the day.  Awaken the beast in David St. Jules—watch this guy in scrimmage, by the way—and the Butchers will give the rossonero a hard time.

Prediction: Rehabs grapple with the meat cleavers, but will find themselves victorious within 50. It will be a dogfight, but not to Mr. Vick’s palate.

Gut Rot (W/W/L/L/W) at Corlears Hookers (L/W/W/L/W), Tompkins West, 1300

Don’t peel your eyes off this beauty of a matchup; that is, if you weren’t going on a bender the night before and miraculously show up just to watch a 1pm game. It’s Ellery versus Cro—a duel for the ages. What’s absolute: Ellery will have his shirt off long before regulation (because the O’s are still 0.5 games behind the Yankees); Cro will have yet ordered his 958th cherished red hat during the halftime break (because New Yorkers are in love with Chinese fashion /s).

Hockey has been interesting for both sides this season. The royal purple a-la- Los-Angeles- Kings squad acquired much talent (namely, Dark Rainbows imports) and has been flourishing thus far. The other franchise in green/black/I don’t know continues to make historical leaps and bounds in the last weeks, securing a crowd-infused win against Fuzz (in their throwback 2012 Elves regalia, sleeved and unsleeved) in Week 6.

Although it’s my job to write a prediction, I’m crestfallen to realistically choose the Hookers to win. Bill L will probably notch a brace and Kamen will put the nail in the coffin.  Longwell will contend to post a shutout, but the persistence of Jeff “Peaches” Hendricks, Tommy, and Becca could put them on the board. Let’s hope so.

Prediction: As he’s reading this, Peaches will surely flip me the bird for not choosing his side, but trust me… my heart—like the rest of the league—cheers for Gut Rot to continue pulling upsets this year.

What The Puck at Dark Rainbows 

Emily and the Pucks have a lot to smile about this season.

 

Bright orange and dayglo pink. Stare too long at this game and the two colors are going to start swirling together as you enter a hypnotic trance. You won’t know if you’re watching WTP v. Rainbows or the “Groove Is In The Heart” music video.

I was going to talk about the addition of Claire to WTP this season, but then I’d have to bring up the Caps’ heartbreaking loss and how the Pucks are still depressed about it. Well, I guess I already did. And, depressed they are. I recently saw Holden McNeil and he told me that Justin has been walking around like a morose motherfucker whose cereal has been shit in (please someone get this reference). Dudolevitch quit his band because he felt like their show jinxed the Caps.

I don’t want to say that WTP are kind of a mess right now, but, again…..I guess I already did.

Will the Rainbows take advantage of WTP being down in the dumps? They themselves are coming off a rough loss to the mighty Fresh Kills, and additionally they are still looking for their first win. I can never remember if Tia is actually going to be there on a given week, but if she is, and she, Josh, and new Rainbow Paul go on the attack, it could spell trouble for the bright orange portion of the swirling vortex.

Prediction: Emily cheers her team up enough to win, and the Rainbows are left searching for that elusive first W. 4-2, Pucks. (Susie or Liz score in this game. I won’t say which one of them.)

Filthier at Fresh Kills

Cupcakes are muffins that believed in miracles.  This Sunday Ann, Tim, Kate and the rest of Filty could be that cupcake.  Stick together, communicate, don’t get caught out of position and get the ball to Suvin.  That dude can cut through a defense like he’s peeling the skin off of tangerine.

Well, perhaps not against Gabe when he’s out on defense.  Soko’s surprise move this season to put his superstar player on D raised more than just a couple eyebrows.  But the doubters have been quieted as everyone on Fresh Kills, even Natasha, has been rowing in the same direction.

Prediction: Filthy will have to wait for another Sunday to collect their first division win of the season.  Ariel does work and the Kills moonwalk to 5-2.

Gremlins at Instant Karma 

Fuck you Jamie.

Back in 2010, one of Adriano’s first big moves was to integrate the teams for a week.  So it would have been What the Elves vs. the Happy Little Puck.  God thankfully intervened and Adzo scrapped the idea after every player in the league besides Walker hated it.  (Think Seinfeld name tags.)

This game reminds me of that terrible idea.  These two teams are the most friendliest of friends.  Sure, Mark is going to complain to the refs about something, but for the most part there will be laughs, pats on the back and an amazing time had by all.  It’s the Spirit of BTSH. And just writing this paragraph makes me puke and want to send Diana Marko through a fence.

Prediction: The Gremlins are littered all over the scoring list. Erich is 2nd in the league, Cody just got his (I’m assuming) first career BTSH hat trick, Maire is in there for the women and Jamie is having an ok season with a 1.83 goals against average. Personally, I think you need to be 1.82 or better to be considered good, but whatever.

For Karma….Brianna is on the scoring list because she scored twice in one game.

Crickets.

OK, so maybe they aren’t as prolific as the Gremlins but Pete, Al and Bill are so old and have been in the league so long, Gil calls them, “sir.” So maybe they won’t score that many goals, but they probably are good positionally or something??  But not good enough as Grems take this 4-2. The league takes solace in the fact that Jamie adds to his already horrendous GAA.

Written by JW
 

I started playing in the league years ago because I missed playing street hockey. I sought out the league for hockey, but like many of us, I found so much more. Among all these great things, something happened to me that I would have never predicted. Over the years I became……a fan.

We may not refer to ourselves as fans, but we are. We watch each other’s games, we cheer each other on, we collect each other’s trading cards (ok, that hasn’t happened yet, but Jerome is working on it). Players can even be seen wearing the shirt of a friend’s team. (This sometimes leads to confusion, since there have been a lot of people switching teams in recent years. But that’s a whole other article.)

I love playing. We all know how much I love playing because I never stop yammering on about playing time. However, in addition to this, I also often realize I am unable to tear myself away from watching the other games. The pinnacle of this occurred during last Sunday’s games, when Gut Rot were playing the-team-formerly-known-as-the-Elves. The only reason I stayed after my game was to watch this specific game. It was rainy, it was cold, it was shitty out. But I stayed, hoping for the upset. I stayed because I’m a Gut Rot fan.

Of course, I’m not the only one. Gut Rot is the team everybody loves to love. This was never more apparent than during this game. As the game progressed, a crowd started to gather. Then that crowd got bigger. Murmurs of “Wait, this game is tied up at 1-1, what??” passed through the crowd. People started to cheer, people started to heckle. People freaked out when Gut Rot went ahead 2-1, and we all freaked out even more when the final whistle blew, signaling the glorious victory.

The fact of the matter is, being a BTSH fan is so much better than being a fan of an NHL team. It’s better because you KNOW these people. How great is it when you see someone who hardly ever scores notch a goal?  Or a goalie who rarely gets the W making save after ridiculous save? You know one of your friends is having a rough week, and you witness them have a great game, maybe they even get the shootout winner. They forget about their problems, if only for 50 minutes. You cheer for them until your voice is hoarse, and it all makes them elated. And how does it make you feel?  You know exactly how it makes you feel.  Because you’re a fan, too.

There are few things in life I love more than playing hockey. But cheering on and supporting my friends who play hockey……that has to be one of them.

photo credit: Jamie B.