by Richiehero

We all play in BTSH for the exact same reason.  To win, win, WIN!!!

Everyone in this league has at one point felt the thrill of victory, outside of the Dark Rainbows of course. But unfortunately, you can’t have a winner, unless there is a loser. And for every epic win, there has been an equally horrifying defeat. Today we do what we do best at the Org. We mock the losers. Here are the 3 biggest chokes in BTSH history!!

3. 2010 What The Puck

OK, so all you stupid idiots going crazy that Gut Rot beat Fuzz in the regular season need to chill. First off we were wearing our Elves shirts and the Elves always lose. Secondly, you idiots had a much bigger victory in 2010. It was October 2010 America was basking in Obama’s first mid-term election, a young man in Penn St., was burning him in effigy, and WTP didn’t have scrubs named Justin, Marisa, Mike D. and Emily. They had amazing hockey players like Corey W., Larry Z., Corey W., and Corey W. While everyone just assumed WTP would win this play-in game, no one told Gut Rot. But this isn’t about Gut Rot’s glorious victory, it’s about WTP choking. And in a shootout, Gut Rot won one of the best and biggest upsets in BTSH history. And WTP choked.

We couldn’t find a picture of Justin so I just put one of Corey instead.

Evidence. (Notice the cameras for the soon to be released BTSH documentary and the ref in perfect position.)

2. Ben P. of the 2016 All-Star Game

What a great day. You couldn’t ask for an easier task. Buy some crappy subs, pray to Santa it’s a nice day and then have an All-Star Game. It’s not that hard. Ben bought the subs, got the weather and then BTSH enjoyed the All-Star-Game. Who won? Ben Selig! Just like the 2002 Major League Baseball All-Star Game had no winner, neither did the 2016 All-Star-Game. Ben could have said let’s play 4 on 4. 3 on 3. Hey, what about a shootout?!? But no, he just cancelled the game because he had a men’s league game at 8. Or maybe it was a completely different reason. Doesn’t matter, he choked but unless most chokes where we can laugh at the loser, we were in fact the loser.

Fuck you, Probie.

1. Zac Hoggstyle for 2017 ROY

If there was ever an obvious choice for Rookie of the Year it was this one. He had 18 goals even though we only knew about 16 of them. He went to OC and was the life of the party. He helped organize the Walker draft and learned how to ref. Hell even after the finals he cleaned up and made sure all the equipment was put away when I tried to say, “Fuck it, leave it to the next Sultan.” This guy is exactly what BTSH is about and had Rookie of the Year in the bag.

So close, yet so far.

But Zac snagged defeat out of the jaws of victory by losing to that guy who is so afraid he wears a mask when he plays. Campbell. Does he even have a first name? Does anyone know what he looks like? How many times did Campbell go to the bar, how many Walker drafts did he do, how many times did he ref? Jesus Zac, how did you blow this?!?!? Happy birthday Zac, see you Saturday but sadly, #Notour2017ROY.

Happy New Year, BTSH!

Less than 90 days (we think) until the ball drops for the 2018 season. So there’s plenty of time to practice shenanigans or take advantage of mother nature to create your own winter classic.

See you soon!

The 2017 season is in the books and we’re ready to gently ease into the off-season.  But before we do let’s take a moment to reflect on the season by taking a quick survey.

1.What is your take on the 2017 BTSH season in 140 characters or less?

Sam (Math): A lot of new faces this year and last year.  It’s nice seeing people come out of the woodwork this year to continue making the league fun, as well as to some helping run the league.

Rich (Fuzz): Welch, fence, slump, Sultan, cursed shirts, blue shirts, winning, fun, shootout in Moffo, Tia the Ruiner, cursed shirts again, Alex May fence, losing, funding Romeo’s babies. (Ed. note: pretty sure that’s more than 140 characters.)

Rachel (Butchers): Rain fears.

Probie (Biters): A huge jump in skill level and team disparity from when I started a few years ago but also a rise in alcoholic debauchery that makes me smile.

Chadwick (Karma): Our beer league has developed a serious hockey problem.

MDF (Butchers): I’m old, broken, covered in bruises, and feel serious FOMO that people continue to have fun at BTSH even when I can’t be there.

Alex (LBS): Lots of transition, alcoholism and a Sultan, but no one died so that’s a win.

JW (Gremlins): It was fun, as always, but also disappointing that a lot of decisions are being made by small committees of people, seemingly without much input from the rest of the league and through non-democratic means.

Cat (Dark Rainbows): So it was a bit of a rebuilding year for the Rainbows.

2. What is your favorite moment from the season? 

2017 BTSH 80’s Prom

Sam: Watching Gut Rot beat Fuzz.  That was fun—everyone loves an underdog.

Rich: Ocean City, winning a World Championship with Cecil(e) Harambe.

Rachel: Being on the Butchers. All of it.

Probie: Though Fuzz has grown on me a bit, Gut Rot pulling that upset followed by a Peaches’ “celebration” was quite the moment.

Chadwick: When the media came back.

MDF: Any time Rachel, Dana, or Georgine scored a goal.

Alex: Karsten playing a BTSH less than 48 hours after his mother passed away, showing up in the middle of the second half because he had the game time wrong, and proceeding to pick up a hat trick in that brief time, the final goal being scored as time expired and the LBS rushing the court to mob him.  Truly what this league is all about.

JW: Gut Rot upsetting the fake Elves. And 80s Prom.

Cat: I don’t think I thanked Charlotte enough for lending me sneakers when I showed up to my final game in Chelsea boots. Thank you Charlotte!

Isaac: Rebel Scum!

3. What is your least favorite moment from the season?

Sam: Living in a Trump presidency.  Then, receiving a very Trumpian Sultan, who deflects all responsibility for any management issues and thinks his job is to only post messages on Facebook.

Rich: The game against the Shortis.

Rachel: Playing _____ and ______.

Probie: The Glanzer/Welch fight followed by the subsequent laughing off of the whole situation. Went against everything I’ve been told about what this league is/stands for. Still love you both but c’mon.

Chadwick: When the media came back.

MDF: That time I played in the All Star game and it happened so late that all my friends left and I didn’t know anyone and felt old and alone.

Alex: The fact that between August 21 and November 11, we have played only one regular season game, two full playoff rounds and a play-in.  Walker Tournament was fantastic (and not just because his name is affixed to it despite his opposition to the draft) but need to improve upon scheduling next season.  Or elect a Sultan who can control the weather.

JW: When my tournament idea got hijacked by people who wanted to do a draft.

Cat: Um… let’s just move on.

4. This past season we had the Olympics, All-Star game and an 80’s themed effing Prom.  What would you like to see the Social Committee do next? 

2017 BTSH All-Star Game

Sam: Bring back Crab Fest, baby!!!  Also, I’ve never seen Jerome Hornswoggle in a tricycle race, so let’s make that happen.

Rich: Olympics should be a standard bearer. I think we should go back to Ace. No bar is perfect but they love us there, it has a lot of space, games, Skee*T*ball, trivia, darts, pool, cheap beer and it’s not Hi-Fi.

Rachel: Pizza? I miss free pizza. Or you know, keep throwing us awesome parties. Either way. Wait was there pizza at one of these parties and I missed it? Oh wait. There was. Never mind, I think I’m just hungry.  Keep it up, guys!

Probie: Progressive bar crawl or skills competition (with mostly stupid shit instead of actual skills stuff). Let Sam open the wacky box for the skills competition.

Chadwick: Trump impeachment proceedings. I will provide the champagne.

MDF: Have these parties on days when I can attend, rather than only setting party dates at times when my brother Tarzan can attend.  

Alex: Golf pros and tennis hoes party off the table?  Ok, let’s make next year a 90’s Prom (apologies to JW).  And in general, let’s build off this year and keep throwing great social events to maintain high level of engagement.

JW: An 80s themed rollerskating party. Just everything 80s themed, all the time.

Cat: Rich’s Bar Mitzfah!

5. What rule do you think needs to be discussed or revised in the offseason? 

Sam: There were some key revisions this year and last year that kept the game safe, like the “at the knee” wind-up rule for slap shots.  I think probations should start being handed out as liberally as this league is politically minded.  It’s not fair for 95% of BTSH league members to be pushed around by 5%.  Know the rules of the league and respect the opposing team’s players or GTFO and play elsewhere.

Rich: The Commissioner’s job is just too much to ask one person to do. I have half the responsibilities that a Commissioner did, which is why I’m a Sultan and it’s still overwhelming at times. There is a reason Tim Brown hasn’t smiled in 5 years. Also, the rules really need to be checked by a committee (me and Walker) and we should make suggestions. We should do this via email by mid-January and send it out for a vote. We should not be allowed to grab the ball out of the air anymore because too many people are running with it and the refs don’t usually call it. We also should find a way to keep track of attendance.

Rachel: I’ll let JW tackle that one. I don’t have the words or the energy.

Probie: Repercussions for people who get into fights during a game. From what I hear about the way the league used to work, people would get suspended for the season/thrown out of the league. There should be a 0 tolerance policy and people should know that there’s a difference between MOFO and BTSH.

Chadwick: Strict enforcement of Rule #1!

MDF: Eh, we’ve got enough rules.

Alex: I think the high-ball rule has outlived its usefulness.  Keep it on inbounds, but eliminate from general gameplay.

JW: I think the high ball penalty should be a delayed call. I know others who agree. I actually think every penalty should be a delayed call.

Cat: Can we all just informally agree to call fewer high sticks, my ears are still ringing.

6. After the  family of birds living in Hicks’ beard moves out, what should he do next with it? 

Sam: A few buddies back home do Civil War Reenactments.  They really just do them to camp out for the weekend and drink coffee and whiskey with large sides of thick slab bacon, while occasionally entertaining each other by firing blanks from their rifles for a crowd.  We should create a BTSH battalion and Hicks can be our leader.  BTSH softball teams are fun, but Civil War reenactment battalions are likely more fun.  Ariel and Sizzler could be our drummer boys, and I’m sure Liz would want to play nurse, while Mike D just rides around on a horse the whole time like Kevin Costner in the beginning of Dances with Wolves.  We can put Rich in a cow costume with a bell around his neck.  Also, someone please tell Cronauer that Pennsylvania fought for the Union.

Rich: Use it as a Karma/Mega Touch scrimmage.

Rachel: Hide additional smiles. Share them with the sky-fighters.

Probie: Make a scarf or a Fuzz-themed Christmas sweater.

Chadwick: I cannot parse this sentence, so my answer is flügelhorn.

MDF: Braid it into a curtain for the Women’s restroom so the stalls can have a bit more privacy.

Alex: Donate it to Glanzer’s head.

Cat: I have no joke for this because I genuinely like beards! Hicks don’t listen to the haters!

Isaac: Treat himself.  Then donate to some kid in the league, like Roberts (LBS) or Matt (Karma), that can’t grow their own.

7. What are you looking forward to most in the offseason?

Sam: Maybe going down to Panama and getting my first PADI certification for scuba diving on the cheap. You know what’s probably cooler than BTSH Civil War reenactment battalions?  Probably BTSH scuba diving trips over long holiday weekends in LATAM.  Who’s game?!

Rich: I’ll let Hicks answer this. “It to be over so Fuzz can begin our three-peat.”

Rachel: Football Sundays.

Probie: Waking up Monday mornings not feeling like complete shit.

Chadwick: Though I never volunteered for anything, I was put on every committee. I was getting 900 e-mails a day. I’m looking forward to being on no committees, and getting no e-mails a day.

MDF: Not feeling like I’m missing out on BTSH stuff.

Alex: Giving my liver a few Sundays off.  She’s earned it.

JW: Cleaning my apartment, like, ever. Because if that shit doesn’t happen on a Sunday…..it doesn’t happen.

Cat: Stars Wars!  And scrimmages.

Thank you!

Thank you all for another great BTSH season!  Stay drunk and we’ll see everyone in a couple months!

by Jerome Hornswoggle

The Heckle Wall™ has been a staple of Blacktop Street Hockey® even before its migration from Corlears Hook Park in 2009; back then it settled on the north side of the playground, facing FDR Drive and the East River, with the nearby net partially obscured by a birdbath (which has been the scourge of many a player). Nowadays in Tompkins, the so-called “birdbath” is somewhat manifested in that huge-ass tree on the West court, and it’s separated from the Heckle Wall™, which is established in the dugout area.

HEEEECCCKKKLLLEEE WAAAAALLLLL!!!!!

The purpose of the Heckle Wall™ is, obviously, to heckle. No one is an exception or gets a pass, especially when the ball arrives in the area. A few snide remarks, the never-ending boobirds, and some show-and-dance from costumed folk inhabit the Heckle Wall™ zone. Unfortunately, there weren’t many costumes in the final between #1 Fresh Kills and #2 Rehabs, but the atmosphere was jovial within the Heckle Wall™ and critical of all the players outside of said wall. That said, here are a couple of remarks and sequences that I remember that Sunday afternoon:

(to one of the Norri reffing the match)
“Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam,
Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam! SamSamSamSamSamSam…  Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!”
(kudos to Worky for trying to sing the last part)

(towards Zac reffing the match)
“Who is timekeeping?”
“It’s that asshole from What the Puck!” (Anonymous)

(to the people in the other dugout “heckling”)
“No, be quiet, you shut up, shut your mouth!”

“If I wanted a 2-2 game, I woulda been a ballerina!” (Justin, WTP)

LET’S GOOO!

“Let’s gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!” (Scott, LBS, Inc.)

“Who’s the long haired goon in the hat playing for the Rehabs?”
“Dunno.  Never seen ‘em before.” (Entire league)

“BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” (Lee, Hookers)

“We love Gabe! We love Gabe! We love Gabe!”
“I thought you said, ‘We love gays!’”
“We love gays, too!”

“KKYYYYYLLLLLLLLEEEEEE!!!” “KKYYYYYLLLLLLLLEEEEEE!!!” (Scott, LBS, Inc.)

“I can’t see what’s happening!”
“Get on Chadwick’s shoulders.”
“Wait, where is he?”
“I think he’s at home sipping whiskey on his terrace while reading about conflict in Syria.”

Well its Dr. Byron Clavicle of course.
Anyways, now that the charade is over, hopefully Walker can go back to being the Lonely Unicorn, and we will never see or hear from him again.
Happy Filler Friday on Wednesday peoples!

“Man, my ass just isn’t the same after last night.”
“Should be after what you put it through.”

“What’s the score?”
“Who cares.  Let’s look for stuff to throw out on the rink.”

(on missing the net, for any guy out on the court)
“Take him out! He sucks!”

“I’m getting a little hangry.  What time is the Social Committee ordering pizzas for Parkside?”

“Is it wrong to break up with someone in a text message? No, right?”

“Could we do something inappropriate in front of the players… on the court… with this stuffed dolphin?”

“Wow! Ramy had an opportunity to toss a tictac in a whale’s mouth on that one.  Newman could have made that shot.”

“Barch Pile! Barch Pile! Barch Pile!”

2017 PBR Cup Champs!

By Nancy Thompson and Arya Stark

I was going to write some long-winded and (possibly) funny intro to this, but…..ain’t nobody got time for that.

So, without further ado…..we bring you the 3 Stars of the 2017 season! Voted on by YOU – the BTSH public!

(Note: As tempting as it is, I will not call out the people who voted for themselves for the 3 stars. But…you know who you are.)

First, let’s start with some honourable mentions (I spelled honorable that way for all you Canadians out there). These people received many votes, but not quite enough to crack the top 3 spots.

Hono(u)rable mentions

 

Tia – Everybody’s favorite nondescript bird (Is it a seagull? An eagle?? What is it??!) got a lot of love from her fellow BTSHers in this voting process. Reasons given for selecting Tia were all over the map. This is unsurprising, because, Tia is awesome for many reasons. Some people mentioned her stellar photography, and how they look forward to it each week (eat your heart out, Jamie B.). Others mentioned her team spirit and everlasting commitment to her Rainbows. The women’s scrimmage came up several times, but the most prevalent theme was plain and simple: She embodies what BTSH is all about. Period.

Ed P. – Gut Rot’s new franchise goalie and winner of the 2017 nice guy award kept popping up in the votes. Reasons ranged from “He saved Gut Rot” to “He is the savior of Gut Rot” to “He carried our team” to “Ed, please never leave us” (I made that last one up). But, even aside from those, people also mentioned how nice and laid-back of a guy he is, and how great he is on and off the court. Welcome to BTSH, Ed.

Zac Hogg – Went from an unknown rookie to a very hairy and well-known rookie. Finished third in the league in goals as What The Puck more than doubled their point total, going from 10 points and a 19 seed to 21 points and a 9 seed. He almost led them to a first round upset, scoring on his first shift in the opening round against the LBS before dropping a hard fought 4-3 decision. More importantly, Zac has proved to be an indispensible part of the community in participating in the bylaws committee, helping organize the 1st Annual Walker (not Walkar) Tournament, reffing a ton of games (including the championship) and generally being an affable Canadian presence at the bar. He may not have won rookie of the year, but he’s the current frontrunner for sophomore of the year and definitely snores louder than anyone in the league. Pause.

The Herr Sisters – Cheeky and Sarah won best duo at the BTSH awards but deserve additional recognition for their many fine talents. Sarah helped her team pull a first round upset over Cobra Kai and almost shock the world by beating eventual champion Fresh Kills. She also won prom queen, convinced Hicks to shave his beard and is now well on her way to becoming the bionic woman. Meanwhile, Cheeky was instrumental in planning the BTSH prom and generally attending all league events, even coming to the Rain Day Tournament when she wasn’t playing to cheer on her friends, drink heavily and kind of die. She also engaged in the most incredible promposal perhaps ever, a display of 80s love not seen since the days of John Cusack.

They haven’t aged a day.

Danielle H. – The former Commish was given kudos by a handful of BTSHers who wanted to acknowledge that she did a good job under tough circumstances, and that was she was never really given credit for her efforts.

Charlotte – Charlotte got several votes. We cannot figure out why. That girl is the worst.

That isn’t even her fish. She stole it from a blind person.

Karsten Pichon – The ageless wonder of BTSH was finally inducted into the Hall of Fame this year. At 43 years old, he tied for fourth in goals with almost rookie of the year Zac Hogg and led his 8th seeded LBS to a final four run. He also played a part in one of the most incredible moments of the season when, less than 48 hours after his mothers passing, he showed up in the middle of the second half of game against Filthier and proceeded to pick up a hat trick in ten minutes, the final goal being scored as time expired. The LBS rushed the court to mob him, gave him the game ball and, this being the day of the Olympics, picked up over 100 beers (while Alex made a specialty cocktail that nearly killed multiple league members). Karsten’s the league’s all-time leading goal scorer and the heart and soul of a LBS team that will always be a contender as long as he’s on the roster.

Alex F – This guy is so hot.

Phil Donohue – The longtime captain of the Anklebiters was finally honored as Captain of the Year at the BTSH awards. Phil was instrumental, as always, in stepping up to work with the social committee in setting up the BTSH Olympics, which returned a year ago and are here to stay. In addition to being at the forefront of all the Anklebiters’ hijinks that we love so much, Phil has worked tirelessly for many years behind the scenes to keep the league fun, and social. He never expects any thanks or recognition, and he never got any……until this year.

The West Court Fence – In the words of alpha male Brian Hicks: “for standing strong and maintaining its integrity despite life & Glanzer trying to run through it.”

Jenn’s Left BreastNever forget.

Rich Glanzer – Nope.

Even Arya and I got a few votes each….aww, shucks. You guys.

The Winners Circle

3rd Star of 2017: Diana Marko – It’s been quite an eventful year for Diana. She was appointed to the social committee and headed up the organization in a banner year for league social events. Olympics, the All-Star Game, the weekly events – all of it came from the social committee and/or the Anklebiters, and Diana was a part of both. She was instrumental in finding new bars for us to try, some of which shockingly had this thing called “natural light.” Did we forget anything? Oh, yea – PROM! Marko finally made BTSH Prom happen, something which has been discussed for years. And now she’s engaged! Congrats on a truly incredible season.

2nd Star of 2017: Brian Cronauer – All you have to say is Cro and people will either smile or be ready to beat you with a beer bottle. Love him or hate him, he is for sure one of the most involved members in the league. He’s one of the captains of the Hookers who went from 18th to 3rd in the span of just one year. He refs games, attends almost every league event (as long as vape pens haven’t totally knocked him out of commission), sits on the bylaws committee (even if he’s skipped both meetings thus far) and is a genuinely good and likable guy so long as you’re not playing against or getting in a social media war with him. Oh, and he’s a decent hockey player too, hosting the BTSH Pond Hockey Classic at his lakehouse this offseason. Cro may do some things that rub people the wrong way like shit-talking playoff opponents on social media, but one thing’s for sure: the league is a far more interesting place with him in it.

 

1st Star of the 2017 season, drumroll please…….

photo credit: Tia!

Isaac – I don’t even know where to begin. This guy does so much for the league that it even rivals Newman (we miss you, Newman). Of course, I will start with the media. Poor Isaac. When all of us slacker website writers were off living it up – hanging out with friends, traveling around the world, rollerskating hand in hand, winning pizza eating contests, etc…….Isaac was working, to entertain and inform all of us. Whenever one of us slacked on a deadline…he wrote it himself. Whenever one of us promised him an article that never materialized…he wrote it himself. When one of us (who shall remain nameless) was violently ill from eating enough pizza to kill a horse…Isaac wrote it himself. His enduring commitment to the website is something that we all love, and we all truly appreciate…but we rarely acknowledge. Well BTSHers, you sure acknowledged this time. Isaac got votes from all across the league, every team felt that he deserved this honor. Some reasons given for voting Isaac were “He saved the media”, “He does a ton for the league, especially the media”, and “He is so handsome, I wanna have his baby”. In addition to the INSANE amount of time and effort this guy puts into the media, he also refs, co-captains Karma, is one of the nicest people in the league, is always willing to help out the social committee and any other league efforts, captained a tournament team AND bought them all brand new rad shirts, plus he cured cancer in his spare time. Dear editor-in-chief and huge asset to the league – we salute you.