Posts by: "J Dubs"

Written by JW

It turns out that many BTSHers do a lot more each week than just chase an orange ball, get all sweaty, drink 10 PBRs, and argue with the refs. Some of them are even doing really cool, creative things. (Not me, but, some of them.)

One such example happened to occur on my beat, so I was lucky enough that my BTSH press pass granted me access to a very exclusive meeting this past week.

Ours is a story of two Mikes. And many, many…….mics.

And guitars. And drums. And screaming Marshall stacks.

The aforementioned Mikes are the pride and joy of Gut Rot, Gilligan, and WTP’s favorite son, Dudolevitch. As you may have already guessed, this is a tale of their rock ‘n roll lives.

Gilligan has not let his family life get the way of him regularly waking up on a park bench, his ears ringing from last night’s show, vomit stains down the front of his shirt, swearing that he’ll never drink or rock so hard again. (We’ll fact check this later.)

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Written by JW

I just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone who helped to make the free agent scrimmage a success, and a super fun day.

My faithful co-organizers:

Sam “A free agent scrimmage requires free agents to show up” Nrrs – For getting the ball rolling and emailing all the free agents detailing what they needed to do, and what the ethos of BTSH is. Sadly, none of the rest of us even thought to email the free agents in advance. One of us didn’t need new players for the Gremlins and just wanted to play for 4 hours straight, but that person shall remain nameless.

Sam ended up being unable to make it to the scrim, but the whole thing wouldn’t have happened without him.

Isaac “That guy who is a Caps fan” Stwrt – For doing PLENTY, including ending up fielding way more questions from free agents than I did (because I was barely able to tear myself away from playing), causing one of them I met later on the bench to say to me “Wait, are you the Caps fan, or it’s the other guy?”. The free agents of course all loved Isaac. We all love Isaac.

The goalies:

It wouldn’t have been nearly as fun a day without you guys, and I don’t mean just on the rink.

Craig “I just came to get out of the house” LCmbe – We missed you, buddy. Welcome back.

Coach “Ok, ok, I’ll stay on another 20 minutes” Pgdn – For stoning Rich 4 or more times in a row, point blank, even when I purposely stopped playing defense to let Rich have the shots. The crowd went wild.

Dave “Let’s keep playing” GDR – For making Coach keep playing until we almost had to carry him to the bar.

Pat “You’re going to make me play now, aren’t you JW?” Brch – For easing back into it. You looked as sharp as ever man.

Campbell “I’ll play as long as you need me” Wver – For logging the most minutes. Ahh, to be young again. I remember those days. (Faintly.)

Charlie “That free agent goalie” O’Dnnll – For causing everybody to be like, “who the hell is that free agent goalie?? He’s really good.” (Email him when you need a sub, captains.)

Zach “I’m on the Demons” Lwis – For showing up and stoning all his Demons teammates, who were playing against him most of his time slot.

Scott “I hope I don’t pull something” Hse – For showing up early, playing well, and NOT pulling something. (Phew.)

Ed “I already went running today” Pdjil – He earned the Corey Winters Award all over again on Sunday.

Dave “I bleed Rainbows blood” Grnwld – He got a W on Sunday, if you ask me.

BTSH royalty, right here.


The opening crew:

Scotty “I’ll just carry all the damn nets myself, J Dubs” K. – For, ya know…doing just that.

Isaac “Why are you guys so slow at this??” Stwrt – For setting everything up way faster than the rest of us.

Alex “Can we play yet, JW? Can we play now? Well, NOW can we play?? I’M READY TO PLAY” Frey – For being the new JW when it comes to wanting to play ALL day and never come off the rink. He did show up early to help set up. But we know why he really showed up early.

Brad “I identify as a defenseman” Pllock – He wasn’t part of my originally scheduled opening crew, but he showed up early and we put him to work. Thanks man.

The photographer:

Hector “Coach is saving my life right now” Mlndz – For jumping INSIDE the net behind Coach, while gameplay was going on, in order to get some great photos. (Coach kept him safe.)

He also took a bunch of other photos during the day (we wanna see them, Hect!). I wish someone had taken a photo OF you, inside the net behind Coach.


The Dan Hopper:

For teaching me MANY years ago that if you bring a red shirt to the free agent scrimmage, later in the day when the free agents start to fizzle out you’ll get way more playing time if you join them.

I of course did so, as I have done many years in a row, but this time, as soon as I did it….the booooos rained down from the entire BTSH bench, HARD, and the booing and heckling continued my entire first shift with the free agents, I chirped back with things like “plaaaaaying time”, and “I’m pulling a Dan Hopper”, and “I make no apologies for this”. The whole scene was really a sight to see, I wish someone had it on video. Then Roxy and Tia took a cue, and did the same thing. Isaac got 3 photos of it, below. I am so sad that the well kept secret is finally out…but, we had a good run, Hops.

“Yeah I want more playing time, what of it??”

“Good idea, I’m gonna do the same. I just happen to have a red hoodie with me.”

“I’m going to do the same, also. But I only have pink.” #Rainbows4lyfe

The BTSHers who showed up to play the free agents:

(I really want to mention something else about my playing time here, but I am stopping myself.)

Instead I’ll just say this:  We needed you, and you delivered.

Eli is licking his chops at the thought of stealing my playing time. photo credit: Isaac


The closing crew:

Alex “How many tacos did you just eat, JW???” Frey

Jamie “I found the missing glove” B.

Danielle “Hurry up Jamie, I want to go eat dinner. John had like a million tacos and I still haven’t eaten” Hsltn

Marcella “It’s cold out here, let’s go to the bar now” Clsn

Rob “Walker is so hangry right now, someone get him pizza” Wlsh

Liz “I know where everything goes” Byln

Brad “I still identify as a defenseman” Pllock

Jerome “Who left this weird water bottle??” Rmos

Thanks a ton y’all, closing up is always the worst part.

And, last but certainly not least…the free agents:

Thanks for coming out. We hope you had fun. If you didn’t get on a team, teams will always need subs throughout the season.

(Oops, this article was supposed to be short. Thanks again everybody!)


By Nancy Thompson and Arya Stark

I was going to write some long-winded and (possibly) funny intro to this, but…..ain’t nobody got time for that.

So, without further ado…..we bring you the 3 Stars of the 2017 season! Voted on by YOU – the BTSH public!

(Note: As tempting as it is, I will not call out the people who voted for themselves for the 3 stars. But…you know who you are.)

First, let’s start with some honourable mentions (I spelled honorable that way for all you Canadians out there). These people received many votes, but not quite enough to crack the top 3 spots.

Hono(u)rable mentions


Tia – Everybody’s favorite nondescript bird (Is it a seagull? An eagle?? What is it??!) got a lot of love from her fellow BTSHers in this voting process. Reasons given for selecting Tia were all over the map. This is unsurprising, because, Tia is awesome for many reasons. Some people mentioned her stellar photography, and how they look forward to it each week (eat your heart out, Jamie B.). Others mentioned her team spirit and everlasting commitment to her Rainbows. The women’s scrimmage came up several times, but the most prevalent theme was plain and simple: She embodies what BTSH is all about. Period.

Ed P. – Gut Rot’s new franchise goalie and winner of the 2017 nice guy award kept popping up in the votes. Reasons ranged from “He saved Gut Rot” to “He is the savior of Gut Rot” to “He carried our team” to “Ed, please never leave us” (I made that last one up). But, even aside from those, people also mentioned how nice and laid-back of a guy he is, and how great he is on and off the court. Welcome to BTSH, Ed.

Zac Hogg – Went from an unknown rookie to a very hairy and well-known rookie. Finished third in the league in goals as What The Puck more than doubled their point total, going from 10 points and a 19 seed to 21 points and a 9 seed. He almost led them to a first round upset, scoring on his first shift in the opening round against the LBS before dropping a hard fought 4-3 decision. More importantly, Zac has proved to be an indispensible part of the community in participating in the bylaws committee, helping organize the 1st Annual Walker (not Walkar) Tournament, reffing a ton of games (including the championship) and generally being an affable Canadian presence at the bar. He may not have won rookie of the year, but he’s the current frontrunner for sophomore of the year and definitely snores louder than anyone in the league. Pause.

The Herr Sisters – Cheeky and Sarah won best duo at the BTSH awards but deserve additional recognition for their many fine talents. Sarah helped her team pull a first round upset over Cobra Kai and almost shock the world by beating eventual champion Fresh Kills. She also won prom queen, convinced Hicks to shave his beard and is now well on her way to becoming the bionic woman. Meanwhile, Cheeky was instrumental in planning the BTSH prom and generally attending all league events, even coming to the Rain Day Tournament when she wasn’t playing to cheer on her friends, drink heavily and kind of die. She also engaged in the most incredible promposal perhaps ever, a display of 80s love not seen since the days of John Cusack.

They haven’t aged a day.

Danielle H. – The former Commish was given kudos by a handful of BTSHers who wanted to acknowledge that she did a good job under tough circumstances, and that was she was never really given credit for her efforts.

Charlotte – Charlotte got several votes. We cannot figure out why. That girl is the worst.

That isn’t even her fish. She stole it from a blind person.

Karsten Pichon – The ageless wonder of BTSH was finally inducted into the Hall of Fame this year. At 43 years old, he tied for fourth in goals with almost rookie of the year Zac Hogg and led his 8th seeded LBS to a final four run. He also played a part in one of the most incredible moments of the season when, less than 48 hours after his mothers passing, he showed up in the middle of the second half of game against Filthier and proceeded to pick up a hat trick in ten minutes, the final goal being scored as time expired. The LBS rushed the court to mob him, gave him the game ball and, this being the day of the Olympics, picked up over 100 beers (while Alex made a specialty cocktail that nearly killed multiple league members). Karsten’s the league’s all-time leading goal scorer and the heart and soul of a LBS team that will always be a contender as long as he’s on the roster.

Alex F – This guy is so hot.

Phil Donohue – The longtime captain of the Anklebiters was finally honored as Captain of the Year at the BTSH awards. Phil was instrumental, as always, in stepping up to work with the social committee in setting up the BTSH Olympics, which returned a year ago and are here to stay. In addition to being at the forefront of all the Anklebiters’ hijinks that we love so much, Phil has worked tirelessly for many years behind the scenes to keep the league fun, and social. He never expects any thanks or recognition, and he never got any……until this year.

The West Court Fence – In the words of alpha male Brian Hicks: “for standing strong and maintaining its integrity despite life & Glanzer trying to run through it.”

Jenn’s Left BreastNever forget.

Rich Glanzer – Nope.

Even Arya and I got a few votes each….aww, shucks. You guys.

The Winners Circle

3rd Star of 2017: Diana Marko – It’s been quite an eventful year for Diana. She was appointed to the social committee and headed up the organization in a banner year for league social events. Olympics, the All-Star Game, the weekly events – all of it came from the social committee and/or the Anklebiters, and Diana was a part of both. She was instrumental in finding new bars for us to try, some of which shockingly had this thing called “natural light.” Did we forget anything? Oh, yea – PROM! Marko finally made BTSH Prom happen, something which has been discussed for years. And now she’s engaged! Congrats on a truly incredible season.

2nd Star of 2017: Brian Cronauer – All you have to say is Cro and people will either smile or be ready to beat you with a beer bottle. Love him or hate him, he is for sure one of the most involved members in the league. He’s one of the captains of the Hookers who went from 18th to 3rd in the span of just one year. He refs games, attends almost every league event (as long as vape pens haven’t totally knocked him out of commission), sits on the bylaws committee (even if he’s skipped both meetings thus far) and is a genuinely good and likable guy so long as you’re not playing against or getting in a social media war with him. Oh, and he’s a decent hockey player too, hosting the BTSH Pond Hockey Classic at his lakehouse this offseason. Cro may do some things that rub people the wrong way like shit-talking playoff opponents on social media, but one thing’s for sure: the league is a far more interesting place with him in it.


1st Star of the 2017 season, drumroll please…….

photo credit: Tia!

Isaac – I don’t even know where to begin. This guy does so much for the league that it even rivals Newman (we miss you, Newman). Of course, I will start with the media. Poor Isaac. When all of us slacker website writers were off living it up – hanging out with friends, traveling around the world, rollerskating hand in hand, winning pizza eating contests, etc…….Isaac was working, to entertain and inform all of us. Whenever one of us slacked on a deadline…he wrote it himself. Whenever one of us promised him an article that never materialized…he wrote it himself. When one of us (who shall remain nameless) was violently ill from eating enough pizza to kill a horse…Isaac wrote it himself. His enduring commitment to the website is something that we all love, and we all truly appreciate…but we rarely acknowledge. Well BTSHers, you sure acknowledged this time. Isaac got votes from all across the league, every team felt that he deserved this honor. Some reasons given for voting Isaac were “He saved the media”, “He does a ton for the league, especially the media”, and “He is so handsome, I wanna have his baby”. In addition to the INSANE amount of time and effort this guy puts into the media, he also refs, co-captains Karma, is one of the nicest people in the league, is always willing to help out the social committee and any other league efforts, captained a tournament team AND bought them all brand new rad shirts, plus he cured cancer in his spare time. Dear editor-in-chief and huge asset to the league – we salute you.

BTSHers! It’s that time of year again!  Time to vote on who you think the 3 Stars of the 2017 season were!

(Ok, we only did this once before, and it was in 2015.)

But we’re doing it again! Every BTSHer has the opportunity to vote for who they believe the 3 Stars of 2017 were.

You each get 3 votes – one vote for each star. Votes are weighted, meaning that whoever you vote to be 1st star gets 3 points toward their final tally, your 2nd star gets 2 points toward their tally, and your 3rd star gets 1 point toward their tally. You can vote for anyone in the league. Your reasoning as to why they were a star of the season can be anything.


Use the Google form below (kindly created by Alex F., between his prolonged stints of gambling and viewing clown pornography. Thanks Alex!) to cast your votes.  It’s just as easy as it seems.

Voting closes at 6pm on Friday 10/27.

The winners will be announced at the end of the season party/BTSH media awards on Sunday October 29th! (At Parkside Lounge, immediately following the championship game between the Gremlins and Instant Karma.)


Hazy Memories
By Anonymous


The first ever BTSH 80s Prom was Saturday night and it was a huge success, especially if success is measured in alcohol and random hookups. Even before entering the actual bar, walking down 30th street with my date we noticed a bunch of girls in front of us dressed in modern attire with one dude in their group rocking a mullet with shiny silver pants and his arms around two of them. While my date tried to convince me these people had to be on their way to the 80s prom I told her the girls were dressed normally, the dude was probably just a random weirdo. Upon reaching Dewey’s, the girls walked towards the hotel next door while the guy they were with pivoted into Dewey’s and told them to get changed and join him at prom. That random weirdo turned out to be non-other than ScottyK who had just met them on the street. That none of those girls came back and slept with him is one of the great tragedies of this fine event.

Memories of prom are sadly limited but here are some beautiful moments:

– Photoboth photoshoots that usually devolved into pure chaos.

– Tables of people eating wings while watching The Goonies (I wonder how many times that’s happened at a bar in the last 20 years).
– Absolute pandemonium when Africa came on.
…followed by some very questionable dancing.
– Cherie’s wig, even more impressive than her slapshot.
– Some of the most outrageous hairstyles I’ve ever seen.
– Hicks partying days after ditching the walking boot and definitely making up for lost time, and Charlotte doing the same on a broken foot (dancing too!).
– Scotty discussing plans to be sperm donor for a league couple (not a euphemism).
– Another appearance by the Hogg handlebar mustache.
– Tia taking down someone’s number in the middle of the dance floor, not in a sexual way, but so she could pick up the goalie pads first thing in the morning (also not a euphemism).
– A few hammered league members trying to do the venue math at 1 AM and pay the tab in between rounds of shots.
– An impressive amount of making out that will never be discussed again.
– And finally, the massive round of applause when JW won The Farmer Ted Award for “Most Likely To Have Graduated High School A Virgin.” Well deserved buddy.

Thanks to Marko, Cheeky and the Prom Committee for putting on a truly magical 80s evening; they never gave us up, and they never let us down. It was truly an unforgettable night, even if we can’t remember half of it.

Prom Award Winners


photo credit: probably Cheeky?

A comprehensive list of your prom award winners, as best as our collective memories can recall:

The Molly Ringwald Award (Prom Queen) – Sarah
The Rob Lowe Award (Prom King) – Alok
The Princess Diana Award (Best dressed) – Brittany
The Glanzer Award (Least likely to get laid) – Glanzer
The John Stamos Award (Best hair) – Liza
The Matt Dillon Award (Most likely to have slept with a teacher) – Chadwick
The John Bender Award (Most likely to skip class to smoke in the parking lot) – Sam N.
The Carol Seaver Award (Teacher’s pet) – A tie between Eli and Scott K.
The Flock Of Seagulls Award (For the person who just didn’t give a shit) – Akhil
The Farmer Ted Award (Most likely to have graduated high school a virgin) – JW


Thank You list

Written by JW

There were far more than 3 stars this week, so I decided to do a thank you list instead.

Special thanks to all of the following people:

Marko, Chair of the Prom Committee – We had all been talking about BTSH prom for 10 years or more, and Marko came along and MADE IT HAPPEN.
In addition to formulating the best prom committee ever, I can’t even begin to list all the things she did, or all the hard work she put in.
This event would have never happened (or been as awesome) without her.

Cheeky – For co-chairing the decorating committee with Sarah, for handling all the awards, and MCing the awards show. (And several other things I am forgetting right now. Cheeky REALLY stepped up.)

Sarah – For co-chairing the decorating committee with Cheeky, for handling all the awards, and for dealing with JW’s incessant messages about how she needed to help a certain person finalize her outfit.

Tim K. – Craig had planned to DJ but was unable to, due to an illness in the family. Tim stepped in at the last minute and absolutely KILLED it. Hit after 80s hit, he kept us moving all night long (all night).

photo credit: Tia

Liza – For helping to pick out the (awesome) music in advance, for arranging for Peaches to do the photobooth, and for bringing awesome 80s DVDs to play on the screens. (Does this count as Charlotte having finally seen The Goonies??)

Peaches – For putting together the pièce de résistance, the photobooth. (I feel like we should have one every week at BTSH.)

Alex F. – For securing the venue, doing the prom lottery, and managing to restrain himself from gambling on anything for an entire evening.

Tia – For running around collecting all the balloons in advance, showing up early to the venue to help decorate (when all of the rest of us were late), and for feeding Tim K. some CHOICE 80s requests to play.

Klion – For running the budget. Side note: I can’t even imagine the FOMO she must have.

A special shoutout to the milliennials: I know we’ve had our differences (haha), but I have to give credit where credit is due. You were on the prom committee, you helped decorate, you all showed up and danced the night away, you knew all (ok, most of) the songs, you helped make the night what it was and what it was supposed to be: 80s as fuck. (Sorry, Cheeks, but I refuse to type “af”.)  I was incredibly impressed.  Big ups to the next generation of BTSHers.

Last, but not least, the entire prom committee, the entire decorating committee (and everyone who helped decorate on the night of), and anyone else I may have forgotten.

Thanks again to all of you listed above, you the made the night what it was: The best BTSH party ever.

(More photos to come…)