Posts by: "J Dubs"

written by The Money and The Banana Stand

So, this week’s previews are Arrested Development-themed. If you have (foolishly) never watched the show and as such get none of our references, well…that’s your own fault, now isn’t it? 

Editor’s note: I said this would be an extremely niche preview but someone didn’t want to hear me out.

Lbs, Inc. (GOB Bluth) vs.  Poutine Machine (Annyong Bluth)

The Lbs are like GOB in that they are shifty magicians who date females well above their pay grade. Poutine are like Annyong in that they are angry, and always seem to be out for revenge. 

Prediction: Lbs have only lost 1 game all season, but if anyone can beat GOB it’s Annyong. And, yes…..Poutine does it this Sunday. Poutine 3, Lbs 2. 

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written by Cat

Rich has reluctantly added me back on the media payroll, Isaac is gone, Alex and JW are my editors, so you’d think I couldn’t get away with my usual shit (ie. soft stars, soft jokes about the beef beat, rainbows propaganda,) but guess what? I only sing one song, suckers.

THIRD STAR

Shannon from the Anklebiters

I don’t like to compliment anyone on the Biters except for Probert and only when he gets us drink specials but I am a woman who supports women so go Shannon!

Cobra Kai and Gouging Anklebiters went like 6 or 7 rounds in an overtime shootout. Craig ultimately never let anything past him; and Shannon got the game-winning goal.

This is a real two-fer because Rich hates shootout goal stars, and he hates giving stars to girls for scoring.

No autographs, please.

SECOND STAR

Dan from the Dark Rainbows

Have you heard of Dan yet?

He is Canadian. Dan is short for a woman’s name. His girlfriend brings a dog that will allow us to put a wizard hat on it. Dan is very talented at hockey. And he scored both of our goals on Sunday, wrenching us out of a tough 7 game losing streak. Unconfirmed but these might have been his first career BTSH goals, I am fuzzy on the stats, but that is mindblowing if you have seen him take the ball from end to end as many times as I have. If you poach him, Jess will set fire to your home (allegedly).

FIRST STAR

Rain cleaners

To complete my soft stars, first star goes to the good samaritans who stayed and cleaned the courts in the downpour, rather than fleeing to Doc Holliday’s and ordering beers.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

BTSH media for getting its groove back with pizza previews + flow feature

Filthier for eking out a shutout with just 7 players – Ann played the whole game and scored the game-winning goal, and great playing by Kate (with a bad back no less!) and Jean.

Isaac is away this week and we all have no idea what the hell we’re doing. It’s ok, I think I got this…

Filthier blanked the Butchers 3-0.

#GoalieBecca played great again, but the Rainbows edged out Gut Rot 2-1. (I hadn’t seen Jessica that happy since she told me about the time she was front row for One Direction.)

Poutine took down the, umm, “wily” Demons.

In the game of the day, OT wasn’t enough to settle the 1-1 deadlock between Kai and the Biters. Craig stopped all shooters in the 6 or 7 round shootout, and Shannon scored the only shootout goal, giving the Biters the extra point.

Mega came back from a 1-0 deficit in the 2nd half to top the Riots, 3-1.

Lbs continued to roll as they notched another W, this time over Fuzz.

Grems/Karma and WTP/Sky Fighters both got rained out in the 2nd half.

The 6pm matchups between the Hookers/Math and Rehabs/Fresh Kills were also washed out.

We feel the same way that Sarah did about the late rainouts…

Written by JW

It turns out that many BTSHers do a lot more each week than just chase an orange ball, get all sweaty, drink 10 PBRs, and argue with the refs. Some of them are even doing really cool, creative things. (Not me, but, some of them.)

One such example happened to occur on my beat, so I was lucky enough that my BTSH press pass granted me access to a very exclusive meeting this past week.

Ours is a story of two Mikes. And many, many…….mics.

And guitars. And drums. And screaming Marshall stacks.

The aforementioned Mikes are the pride and joy of Gut Rot, Gilligan, and WTP’s favorite son, Dudolevitch. As you may have already guessed, this is a tale of their rock ‘n roll lives.

Gilligan has not let his family life get the way of him regularly waking up on a park bench, his ears ringing from last night’s show, vomit stains down the front of his shirt, swearing that he’ll never drink or rock so hard again. (We’ll fact check this later.)

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Written by JW

I just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone who helped to make the free agent scrimmage a success, and a super fun day.

My faithful co-organizers:

Sam “A free agent scrimmage requires free agents to show up” Nrrs – For getting the ball rolling and emailing all the free agents detailing what they needed to do, and what the ethos of BTSH is. Sadly, none of the rest of us even thought to email the free agents in advance. One of us didn’t need new players for the Gremlins and just wanted to play for 4 hours straight, but that person shall remain nameless.

Sam ended up being unable to make it to the scrim, but the whole thing wouldn’t have happened without him.

Isaac “That guy who is a Caps fan” Stwrt – For doing PLENTY, including ending up fielding way more questions from free agents than I did (because I was barely able to tear myself away from playing), causing one of them I met later on the bench to say to me “Wait, are you the Caps fan, or it’s the other guy?”. The free agents of course all loved Isaac. We all love Isaac.

The goalies:

It wouldn’t have been nearly as fun a day without you guys, and I don’t mean just on the rink.

Craig “I just came to get out of the house” LCmbe – We missed you, buddy. Welcome back.

Coach “Ok, ok, I’ll stay on another 20 minutes” Pgdn – For stoning Rich 4 or more times in a row, point blank, even when I purposely stopped playing defense to let Rich have the shots. The crowd went wild.

Dave “Let’s keep playing” GDR – For making Coach keep playing until we almost had to carry him to the bar.

Pat “You’re going to make me play now, aren’t you JW?” Brch – For easing back into it. You looked as sharp as ever man.

Campbell “I’ll play as long as you need me” Wver – For logging the most minutes. Ahh, to be young again. I remember those days. (Faintly.)

Charlie “That free agent goalie” O’Dnnll – For causing everybody to be like, “who the hell is that free agent goalie?? He’s really good.” (Email him when you need a sub, captains.)

Zach “I’m on the Demons” Lwis – For showing up and stoning all his Demons teammates, who were playing against him most of his time slot.

Scott “I hope I don’t pull something” Hse – For showing up early, playing well, and NOT pulling something. (Phew.)

Ed “I already went running today” Pdjil – He earned the Corey Winters Award all over again on Sunday.

Dave “I bleed Rainbows blood” Grnwld – He got a W on Sunday, if you ask me.

BTSH royalty, right here.

 

The opening crew:

Scotty “I’ll just carry all the damn nets myself, J Dubs” K. – For, ya know…doing just that.

Isaac “Why are you guys so slow at this??” Stwrt – For setting everything up way faster than the rest of us.

Alex “Can we play yet, JW? Can we play now? Well, NOW can we play?? I’M READY TO PLAY” Frey – For being the new JW when it comes to wanting to play ALL day and never come off the rink. He did show up early to help set up. But we know why he really showed up early.

Brad “I identify as a defenseman” Pllock – He wasn’t part of my originally scheduled opening crew, but he showed up early and we put him to work. Thanks man.

The photographer:

Hector “Coach is saving my life right now” Mlndz – For jumping INSIDE the net behind Coach, while gameplay was going on, in order to get some great photos. (Coach kept him safe.)

He also took a bunch of other photos during the day (we wanna see them, Hect!). I wish someone had taken a photo OF you, inside the net behind Coach.

 

The Dan Hopper:

For teaching me MANY years ago that if you bring a red shirt to the free agent scrimmage, later in the day when the free agents start to fizzle out you’ll get way more playing time if you join them.

I of course did so, as I have done many years in a row, but this time, as soon as I did it….the booooos rained down from the entire BTSH bench, HARD, and the booing and heckling continued my entire first shift with the free agents, I chirped back with things like “plaaaaaying time”, and “I’m pulling a Dan Hopper”, and “I make no apologies for this”. The whole scene was really a sight to see, I wish someone had it on video. Then Roxy and Tia took a cue, and did the same thing. Isaac got 3 photos of it, below. I am so sad that the well kept secret is finally out…but, we had a good run, Hops.

“Yeah I want more playing time, what of it??”

“Good idea, I’m gonna do the same. I just happen to have a red hoodie with me.”

“I’m going to do the same, also. But I only have pink.” #Rainbows4lyfe

The BTSHers who showed up to play the free agents:

(I really want to mention something else about my playing time here, but I am stopping myself.)

Instead I’ll just say this:  We needed you, and you delivered.

Eli is licking his chops at the thought of stealing my playing time. photo credit: Isaac

 

The closing crew:

Alex “How many tacos did you just eat, JW???” Frey

Jamie “I found the missing glove” B.

Danielle “Hurry up Jamie, I want to go eat dinner. John had like a million tacos and I still haven’t eaten” Hsltn

Marcella “It’s cold out here, let’s go to the bar now” Clsn

Rob “Walker is so hangry right now, someone get him pizza” Wlsh

Liz “I know where everything goes” Byln

Brad “I still identify as a defenseman” Pllock

Jerome “Who left this weird water bottle??” Rmos

Thanks a ton y’all, closing up is always the worst part.

And, last but certainly not least…the free agents:

Thanks for coming out. We hope you had fun. If you didn’t get on a team, teams will always need subs throughout the season.

(Oops, this article was supposed to be short. Thanks again everybody!)