Breaking news! The DNC came across a very well-read website and started asking: what is this league and why is their media so much better than CNN and MSNBC’s, being able to draw at least 100 article views per story? By their own bylaws, the DNC had to disclose to each of the 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates of their inquiry into BTSH.org’s media strategy and viewership. And, within 7-8 minutes, the BTSH Media’s inboxes were swamped by every candidate’s team wrangling for endorsements.
By Sam N0rr!s
Bill de Blasio’s Rehabs v Gouging Anklebiters endorsed by Amy Klobuchar
1:00 pm EAST
“Hi, I’m Bill de Blasio, and nobody really likes me. People always say, just drop out of the race and leave us all alone, like the team I endorsed, but look what I’ve done to NYC’s scene. I’ve pissed off the police, act as a democrat, but use developers to build up areas of Brooklyn that are perfectly fine, so that we can continue making more parts of NYC unaffordable. But you know who’s really killing the American Dream? Amy Klobuchar. She looks like one of those disgruntled PTA mothers saying that they can’t afford to keep sending her kids on the MTA to host bake sales for their public school teachers’ supplies because we keep raising the subway fares. It’s Cuomo who’s at fault with all of this, not me! Not me! If I see that bitch on the courts, I’m going to ram my team’s hockey sticks down her throat so far, she’s going to wish she had Beto O’Rourke’s neck to stomach the blows. Then I’ll pee in her eyes like I do to the poor of this city.”
“I am Amy Klobuchar and a representative of the Biters, and I take offense at Bill’s words. You may not know me, but I take pride in looking like a PTA mother, which is why I endorsed the Anklebiters. They have so many strong mothers on their team that are going to rip Bill de Blasio’s band of boners through and through. And that Probie guy. And that Andy guy. And that Phil guy, and, ohh… Derho guy… My little PTA buns tremble when I see that Derho guy… We’re probably of the same nationality because no one knows how to say either of our names. He can call me ‘Klo’ and I’ll call him ‘ho’, and we’ll be doing the Minnesotan Twirl before… [inaudibly, jubilant murmurs]… Well, I lose track of what I was going to say because I am not really qualified to run either, but looking to get a seat somewhere in the White House or the social committee.”
Klobuchar starts off strong, going a few percentage points up between the polls, but the NYC Developers fight back, tie it up, and this race goes into a shootout! Bill de Blasio and the Rehabs win because Craig sucks a fat one.
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