By Cat

As you would imagine I am THRILLED to find that the beef beat hit the presses before I started handing out participation trophies. Living for the drama. Was also living for the first beautiful court day on Sunday – BTSH at its finest, lots upsets and lots of day drinking. Well maybe ‘living’ is an exaggeration of my level of activity. As I said repeatedly to my wonderful editor when he was all like ‘where the hell are three stars’ – Manhattans on tap are a bad idea. I also legitimately don’t know why teams like the Dark Rainbows and Gut Rot are ever scheduled 12:30pm games. What do you think we do on Saturday night, drink water and go to bed at 9?

I can’t wait for Art Shamsky, 1969 NY Mets World Series Champion, my best friend, and newly minted New York Times Bestselling Author and lay down the law with Meatbox.

Third Star

Ed P from What The Puck

After betraying Diane, Ed proves his worth to What The Puck by holding strong against Fuzz. WTP scored all three goals in the first half and then tripled down on defense in the second, ultimately holding their lead and finishing 3-2.

[Refers to notes from editor] I am supposed to make a wrestling reference for some reason? Yeah idk, Rich just make up your own self-own from your wrestlemania encyclopedia.

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By The Meatbox

Man, week 1 was soooo lame. I thought ya’ll had forgotten that half the fun of BTSH is the drama, but thank God you proved me wrong. I should have just realized that this league’s drama is like a plant. Last week we gave it some water, this week we gave it some sunlight and HOLY CRAP IT GREW. Well, that or whenever Russ Ham shows up he brings the drama with him #theprovider.

Without further adieu here are your 3 spoiled meats of the week.

Third Spoiled Meat

Ringers who can’t keep their sticks down

I get it. BTSH is kinda hockey, but not quite hockey. We’re like some weird bastard child of alcoholism, soccer, hockey, and not being a dick. For people new to it who come in ready to play hockey, not being allowed to stick check is weird. All the whistles are weird. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KEEP YOUR STICK DOWN IM TIRED OF ALL THESE WHISTLES. Winning is awesome, but you know what’s not awesome? Showing up to work on Monday with a giant gash in your face because a ringer wasn’t able to keep their stick on the blacktop. Keep ‘em down folks.

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By Arya Stark

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Cobra Kai avenged last season’s shocking shootout loss and last week’s shocking lack of cleaning with a 3-0 win over the Riots. Campbell returned from god knows what was going down in Puerto Rico to notch the shutout.

Math bounced back from a tough opening loss to take down the Rainbows 5-2. Two goals scored by the cobra although if he wants to keep that nickname I’m going to need a snake charmer celebration ASAP.

The Hookers won 5-0 over Gut Rot, with Greenwald notching the shutout and saving survivor pools everywhere.

The Demons pulled an impressive win in a minor upset over the Butchers. They won 4-2 and look to be a lock to finish the season over .500 for the first time since 2016.

Filthy held on to beat Poutine 3-1 in a tight checking affair that almost featured a goalie brawl which would have been amazing and to my knowledge would have been a BTSH first (Rich pls confirm).

What The Puck pulled out the upset of the week, devastating many survivor pools but also delighting many fans as they held on for a tight 3-2 win over defending champ Fuzz. In related news, Fuzz is considering investing in an Ed P voodoo doll.

The Rehabs beat Karma 4-0 on a goal from Monique and a hat trick from the Meatbox. Later in the afternoon they made up last week’s rained out game and beat Fresh Kills by the same 4-0 score. An anonymous source on the sideline was heard bragging that “we don’t like dick and we don’t let in goals” which would be a great team slogan…much catchier than their current one, “our girls will destroy yours.”

The Gremlins outlasted the Fresh Kills 3-2 in a shootout. Ariel scored for the Fresh Kills, as is tradition, but Allison and Erich scored for the Gremlins and Jamie delivered the victory by stoning Gabe. It was the first victory in franchise history for the Grems over the Fresh Kills. Gabe’s grief took on a strange form as sometime around 8:15 he sent me this and this video…can’t lie, they are oddly fascinating.

The Biters beat Mega without the services of Probie, which they might want to get used to because if UVA wins tonight I don’t think any of us will ever see him again.

Finally, the LBS bested the Sky Fighters 2-0 on a hard fought Zisser shutout. The Sky Fighters picked up some solid players in the offseason which is great news for teams like Poutine and Fuzz.

See ya next week.

Poutine Machine at Filthier

by Tracy Demon

First and foremost, I’d like to thank Poutine for managing to eke out an OT win against What the Puck in the season opener last week, thereby keeping my BTSH Survivor Pool dreams alive. Jo and co., I believed in you and you didn’t let me down. That said, Filthier is such a well-oiled machine that even in the absence of a rain-slicked court, the Pou is going to have a tougher time slip-sliding to victory. Please don’t try to unpack that tortured metaphor.

Prediction: Poutine will bring their usual scrap and speed, but Filthier gets the regulation win, 4-2.

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Dank Rainbows at Mathematics

Rem’s return to the Rainbows from a one year hiatus provided the boost they needed to get over the Mega hump.  It may not have earned them the Schlitz, but revenge is a dish best served with a side of ‘hey, how’s my Rainbow taste?’

Herr’s ringers had a difficult time acclimating to our asphalt pond last week, but hey, conditions weren’t exactly ideal for the transition.  This Sunday’s forecast is looking promising and so is their matchup.  We like the chances of them having an opportunity to display their talents.

Prediction: Cat adores Math’s ‘blonde’ jerseys and is caught gazing as Jon and Dave easily get the Mathematicians their first W of the season, 5-1.

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